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S03.E12: The Edge / S03.E13: A Simple Trade

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Ryan continues to search for Theo, while Mark and Daisy uncover information that gets them even closer to the FBI and lands Mike in danger. Later, a deal is struck, but events take a turn and Ryan faces a decision that could impact his future.
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Ryan faces a decision that could impact his future.
I assume he'll be deciding where he wants to hide his bodies and trophies...



All I know for sure is that considering the recent news, Ryan's future is getting shorter by the minute...

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Apparently, TPTB are indeed trying to find a new home for The Following.  I like this idea, but it's gonna blow if the show ends in a series of cliffhangers like I strongly suspect it will, and then there's no opportunity for resolution if the show doesn't go to another network.

Edited by Syndicate
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I was distracted for a moment and missed this. Help. What kind of explanation did Theo make on how he was able to track the laptop to Tom's apartment? As far as we know, Tom accessed the laptop from the office which means that he was using FBI wi-fi, am I right?


ETA: Did I see it right? Next week is the series finale? Are we finally free, then?

Edited by TV Anonymous
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Oh, my poor baby Mike.

Shawn Ashmore is literally the only reason I've kept up with this show. So if they do actually kill him off I'd be done watching anyway, cancellation or not.

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Thank God there's just one more week of this left.  Yes TV Anonymous, Fox has mercifully canceled this show and are now marketing next week as the series finale instead of season finale.  I actually had the same question as you about how Theo was able to access the computer, but honestly, after suffering through 2 hours of this, my head is spinning so I just don't even feel like writing about anything.


I mean, seriously, as if we don't already get every cliche in the book, was there ANY doubt that Mike was about to bite it as soon as he and Max started to have their little lovey speech?


I think my random question of the day is about the new girl in charge.  Why exactly is she in charge?  Last I knew she was some cop from Philly who failed miserably for 20 years to catch some ludicrous serial killer that Ryan caught in 10 minutes, and all of a sudden she's spouting "I'VE BEEN PUT IN CHARGE HERE!"


The other thing I found odd about this episode is how quickly everyone, Max especially, talked about Tom, like "yeah, whatevs, that ****** was crazy, right? Remember the good times, ha!"  It almost made me feel bad for the guy that he died a traitor instead of just the jealous perv he is.


Oh well, next week I'll be on vacation so I won't get to watch it until next Sunday or Monday.  So save some good stuff for me, eh?

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Why exactly is she in charge?  Last I knew she was some cop from Philly who failed miserably for 20 years to catch some ludicrous serial killer that Ryan caught in 10 minutes, and all of a sudden she's spouting "I'VE BEEN PUT IN CHARGE HERE!"


Was she on Law and Order SUV?

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It was so, so obvious that Mark was going to pop back up when Mike and Max got all lovey-dovey.  Because making-out in a parking lot when you know someone who hates your ass is still around, is totally the smart play.  Idiots.  At least Mike put a few bullets in him, after the stabbing.  That has to be it for Mark.  As for Mike, 

doesn't look good, but the previews show him in a hospital bed with tubes, so he's at least not going to die automatically.


On this show, it's hard to pick the biggest idiot of all time.  But I have to think Tom is in the running.  Dude got played like a fiddle, and went out like a chump.  I have no shame in admitting I was laughing at his death, because he was so, so stupid, in how he handled this entire situation.  Really, had he been a normal human being and just dumped Max after he knew she cheated on him, all of this could have been avoided.  Instead, the creeper got acid to the face.  Bwah!


Ryan kills Penny at least, because she's an idiot, so now It.  Is.  PERSONAL!!!! between Ryan and Theo now.  Yep, the ultimate showdown between a drunk who fantasizes about his killer boyfriend vs. the hacker who takes being a big bro to a whole other level.  Fun!


Gwen finally tells Ryan she's pregnant, and he swears (again!), he'll change, but I'm sure Ghost Joe will have something to say about that!


Series finale next week!  Unless some silly network or streaming service pick this up, in which I will precede to loose a ton of respect for whoever does that.  Kevin Bacon's already got enough paychecks for whatever this show has been put towards (Beach house?  Kids' college funds? Retirement?  Footloose-themed house parties?).  Find something worthy of your talents, Bacon!  Mad Men is also ending, so maybe you and Jon Hamm can team up in buddy-cop show!  Hamm & Bacon couldn't be sillier then The Following!


ETA: Forgot about Mike's inadvertent poetry bit: "Joe screwed with your head.  But now he's dead."  Sniff.... Poe would be proud! 

Edited by thuganomics85
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Tom made me wonder what the minimum IQ requirement for the FBI is.  I mean I kept looking at his decision making skills and saying is he supposed to be mentally deficient?  I know people with Down Syndrome who would have made better moves.  No way any of them would have gone out with a face full of acid having killed one cop and betrayed another one to a serial killer.  JUST NOT POSSIBLE.  Seriously so maybe he would have gotten a reprimand for taking evidence from a crime scene and if he were really unlucky fired.  Big frickin deal compared to what did go down.  And given that this show had a serial killer who held FBI agents and tried to murder them have a good enough lawyer that he waltzed out the door I think Tom could have reasonably said I want my union rep, gotten a lawyer and been re-enstated .  He could have claimed seeing his girlfriend cheat on him made him snap and he's  better now.  Really how does what happened before snowball into killing a cop and handing another over to be murdered?  And who trusts a serial killer to keep his word?  Made me laugh hysterically when 5 seconds after Mark betrayed him with the acid , Mark whined to Theo about how bargaining with Mike "wasn't the deal" 

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Oh, my poor baby Mike.

Shawn Ashmore is literally the only reason I've kept up with this show. So if they do actually kill him off I'd be done watching anyway, cancellation or not.

I am going to misseeing Shawn Ashmore, but now at least he can go to work on something else. Something that isn't so mind-numbingly dumb. My cat could write better than this show. I am glad we won't be put through a season of Ryan attending AA meetings and pregnancy drama with what's her name.

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I kept leaving the room and forgetting it was on, can't believe how bad this show got :(

Loved season 1 and most of season 2, it's too bad, I can see why it was canceled

The FBI is so lame - they can't catch ANYONE ever, they should call it "The We can't following"

ah well

ps I miss emma

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Ah, car54, I wish I could like you a thousand times!


O-kay! So! That wasn't as terrible as this show can be, which is basically the equivalent of a real show's Emmy reel! I mean, honestly, if I hadn't watched the first two seasons I would have found it no more ludicrous then much of the stuff on TV. But alas, Penny and the rest of us have not been waterboarded in the River Lethe, so I must protest. Most especially at the epic waste of James Purefoy! I mean, I get they were boxed into a corner, but the whole "drink and I dunno, maybe waterboard Penny, this hoodie itches, whatever" thing they have the poor man pissing his talent down his leg to film is just beyond. Where is the Joe that was all Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge fantasizing about Ryan coming to save him? The Joe shooting pool and full body contact engulfing Ryan like a mass murderer octopus? THE FUN JOE? Gone, I tell you, gone like a Raven who's out of Nevermores to give. 


So, as I have learned, it is impossible for me to recap these twofers--it just takes more time/husband's patience with me hogging the living room then I currently possess. So this is going to be a highlight (lurid, glowing, sickly green highlight) reel of ep one and I'll throw up ep two tomorrow. But don't worry, I'll bring my modest abilities to bear for the SERIES FINALE. Oh, yes.


Okay, so, fuck, I just watched this and can't even remember half of what happened--let's see--well, oh! can you believe they got Charlize Theron to promo this shit? Damn, do they have pictures of her eating babies or something?


Well, Daisy's wigs come and go, I really don't see how she decides between Hannah Montana and Miley, honestly. Her wigs and Theo's facial merkins should star in a spin off! Don't pretend you wouldn't watch it.


Can anybody explain to me why these four people are even talking? Why the fuck isn't Theo just dropping Daisy and Mark with one shot apiece? Probably the same reason he's so keen on Eliza getting him an identity. That is, a pile of nothing horseshit.


Ryan apologizing for being a huge lying sack of shit is almost as hilarious as Gwen not calling security while spitting lines like "It's clear you've been lying since the beginning." YA DON'T SAY? Seriously, who the hell did she think she was getting involved with??? Even better is when she hops back on the Enabling Train. Way to go, Gwennie.


The only thing more irritating then Creepster Tom is Stealthy Tom, because it ups the idiocy factor exponentially and swiftly, like an exploding star. Oh, I take it back, you know what's more irritating? Max going into her bathroom with dry hair, fully dressed, AND RUNNING HER HAIR DRYER so she doesn't hear Swifty out there snagging ONE CAMERA. And dropping the other one. And deciding to borrow a book like she's the damn public library. I HATE YOU, LAPTOP STORYLINE. SO MUCH. 


Ryan's not being too subtle with the chug a lug, is he? Also, Mike? You're purty.


Oh, hey, Joe. Nice to see you wasting time doing nothing. 


So, what the fuck happened to that cryptologist? And the housekeeper? I'm asking because this whole quartet of hacking and revenge and fuck all is just so insanely insulting to the intelligence of all multicelled beings that I'm trying to breathe and focus. Sam Underwood is doing a good job flipping back and forth with the Mook thing, though. 


Competent Ryan struggles forth to suggest looking through the hard copies in Philly for Penny/Sophia. Bye, Competent Ryan! We'll miss you! See you later at the theater if you can hear around my thunderous bitching on that subject!


Love the whole "Let's deploy like ten armed guys in full camo in a PUBLIC PARK" thing. Also? Eliza? Your security guys suck hairy balls. It literally took two minutes for all of them to go down. The first thing she should do is hire Theo as a consultant for "how to employ people who don't get tricked/shot in one damn second." 


Boy, Theo and His Band Of Merry Pranksters sure lucked out that Tom is such a fucking idiot that he watched Max at home on his regular computer. How the fuck is he employed doing anything but dancing for nickels down at the docks? I am pointedly ignoring all the other crap going on because it involves hacking into servers and I am so over that entire story concept. Do like Mook's adorable little "I'm gonna come back and kill Theo" thing, though. It's important to believe in yourself.


Found Sophia! Her life sucked! Raise your hand if you are surprised, and also get in this van, I have candy! Also, if Theo didn't alter the physical files, how did he plant Sophia/Penny's death certificate? She asked pointlessly. Also, Sloane is missing. Nobody noticed until now even though she was searching for an FBI mole and is missing in action. But never mind that, babysitting Ryan is a subject for cute banter!


Back to New Jersey, where Sophia/Penny's fingerprints have led to Dead Josh. This crackhouse has really nice wooden flooring. 


Love Crackhead Guy swiping at Ryan! Man, he's a murder magnet, he is! Now for some threats and shit to get the plot dragged over to the next spot! Also, this guy doesn't get killed, so Sarah must not know him.


Tom, you are an idiot for so many reasons, but among the top ten? Leaving Sloane's corpse in your bathtub. Even without Daisy and Mook there to fuck things beyond your normal conception of reality that is really stupid, if only for smell reasons. When Mook has to point that out to you you really should consider who the problem is. (IT'S YOU, TOM.) This sweaty loser was a ranger/hostage extraction/whatever guy? Hell, I could get hired at this version of the FBI.


Boring drinking conversations are boring. Also, why is it that even the principles on this show barely care about missing Sloane? Wasn't everybody all upset about Boxed Agent Guy whose name I cannot be arsed to look up? Shouldn't Ryan et al be panicking about being compromised or something? Where is Pirate Nick to put his hands on his hips and bellow things? But never mind, let's hang outside the crack house and kind of care.


How easy is it to get into the mainframe servers of the FBI? THIS EASY, APPARENTLY. Tom is just strolling right on in, no guards, nothing, and also apparently knows exactly which of these giant boxes of cables and shit to go to! Also, it's not locked like that other one that that other agent came in and fiddled with in a totally pointless attempt to create tension! Oh, show, don't change. For, like, you know. Your last two episodes.


Theo's back in! We care for some reason! I can't even keep track of which fucking plot/plan strand this is associated with anymore. Especially since Theo needs the FBI computer? To track Eliza's encrypted phone number? WHAT? Why does the FBI have her phone number? Why do they even know about her? Wasn't Theo's entire pitch getting the FBI off her trail by killing Ryan because he is the only agent in the world who tracks down criminals or whatever the hell? 


I DON'T CARE ANYMORE and anyway, Penny's gonna go get hiiiiiiggggghhh. Woot woot! C'mon Plot, move your ass! 


Ryan's gotta stretch his legs and drink and talk to I Enable At The Most Inconvenient Times Gwen. Poor actress having to recite the whole Character Bible Ryan description, no wonder he hung up on her.


Chase time! Good thing Penny ditched her locator, Plot will need it later for its Idiot Diorama. In and out of yet another deserted building until Ryan emerges having beaten the world record for secretly tying somebody up.  A somebody who is thirty years younger then him and not currently inebriated (not that she wasn't giving it the ol' college try, to be fair) because that would totally happen.


Found Sloane! Tom had no trouble moving her body in broad daylight on a NYC street so I have no idea why he didn't ditch her last night. Except he's an idiot, but that's not new. 


Sloane's dead. Let's act kind of sad for a second but really, we've got a LOT of Idiot Plot to dredge through here so whatever. Poor Sloane, you know her memorial is going to be Half Ass City. Also, seriously, she was hunting for a mole, the entire FBI should be circling the wagons. Or just let Ryan run around like a moron, that seems to shake out okay, usually.


Okay, Ryan's Tying Up Of Younger, Fitter Opponent Skills have NOTHING on his Transporting Said Opponent, Ungagged, Across State Lines And Up To His Apartment Skills! Man, I think Competent Ryan and Head Joe have fused into a super being or something! Seriously, how did Ryan accomplish this? 


Penny's pretty good at being unimpressed. After having Theo in her life since she was ten I guess the bar's pretty high. 


Yeah, let's hear it for Theo's latest beard! After this he can go play bongos with a jazz quartet. It can't be any less stupid then this entire scene with Eliza with the actress and her little ear phone thingy trying to find one damn beat that makes sense and Theo gritting his teeth as he tries to pretend that this ersatz James Bond crap isn't just -- crap.  Eliza agrees to his terms, for all the good it'll do. 


The strike thing, Ryan? Really? That's what you went with? Also, love the idea that you are respecting Penny's rights less then you usually do. Also, how is it that Penny got shuffled through like twelve foster homes while simultaneously being lost track of? Love Penny telling him off and driving him into the arms of the Magically Refilling Cupboard Vodka Bottle, though. Seriously, that thing's traveled to every room in the apartment and it's still not empty.


Hey, Joe, whatever. Do like you pounding whiskey as opposed to Ryan's vodka, though. 


Tom's all sneaky Petey at the FBI and I don't care. Does this guy report to anybody? Have to lead a team or something? Seriously, what is his job? 


More Joe bullshit. It doesn't work when you have Joe not be Joe, show! He needs to be that glorious peacocking nutjob he was in life! Not this dour boring asshole! Penny will remain unimpressed, I promise you.


Tom is so shocked that blackmail is the gift that keeps on giving! However, he's cool with Mook's latest request for Mike Weston on a platter--that's the kind of blackmail he's happy to comply with! Tom is an idiot, in case you haven't noticed.


Max is doing paperwork because she is the only one in this entire building who cares about an agent murdered by a mole. At least she and Mike get a heart to heart out of the deal. And Max figures out that hey, it's like somebody knew we were onto them! A MOLE somebody! But hey, whatever, I'm gonna take a shower and then go through surveillance videos. I don't want to, but Plot told me to while waving a gun around and threatening to make Daisy my roommate.


Theo's all worried and futzing at his desk o' computers. Where oh where could his unreliable drug addict sister that he left alone be? Well, maybe this shot of her being dragged bodily into Ryan Hardy's car by said Ryan Hardy will clear things up.  


Speaking of, Ryan continues his streak of really unimpressive bad guy shit until he finally drags Pens into the bathroom to threaten her with waterboarding and generally up his game because she nearly drowned when she was seven or some shit. Penny has got really nice hair and skin for an addict hydrophobe, lemme tell ya. But this apparently works because after a wet washcloth to the face she gives up that Theo's working with The Wonder Twins Mook and Daisy. Even in his Off The Reservation Cop guise Ryan's polite enough to not to laugh in Penny's face at the idea that those two idiots were all Theo could scare together, but he's actually a bit unnerving when she asks if he's getting off on this and he says "Not yet." See, that right there? That was a glimpse of delirious depravity direction that the show should go in! Yes! More of that!


Or, hey, More of Tom the Idiot instead. Okay, that's fine. Time to scoop up Mikey and head out to some random deserted warehouse. There is a LOT of primo real estate around Queens that's not being put to its top dollar use.


Uh oh, Tom's luck just gave him a single cool, disgusted glance and left the table! Because Max, true to her word, is all freshly showered and doing her servo video bit and who does she spy but Tom, spying on her and then scurrying up and down the hall like a little ant who will never find that rubber tree plant! Max actually has enough emotions left within herself to look ill. Oh, honey, you don't know the half of it. At least that one camera is pretty much just filming your chair leg right now.


Max tries to call Mike but he's busy being betrayed by Tom and his stupidity right now. Love the single "what?" glance from Mike when Tom waves the plastic handcuffs in his face, and then this whole thing devolves into "you killed Lily AND SLEPT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND" and Mike offers Tom a perfectly good for this show out--just go in and kill all three of them and both of them are in the clear, win/win! But Tom, the poor dope, has that Idiot Plot perched firmly atop his shapely head and instead decides to believe that a bunch of crazy murderers are the better bet.


Into deserted warehouse and Mike can't even bother looking too surprised at Mook and Daisy's appearance. Exchange of sarcasms and such, and then Tom steps up to fulfill his destiny. Idiot Plot yanking him around like a puppet, he says he's done and then is lured into range by Mook in a ruse that doesn't even work on my cats, and that's just to stuff them in their carry cases to go to the vet. Poor Tom get something much worse--ACID TO THE FACE! FOR NO REASON! Because Daisy puts one in him, like, immediately, so what the hell? Anyway, Tom, go gentle into that good night or whatever; you dragged this albatross of a plot thread further then should be asked of any man. See ya.


Mook gives Mike a little slap and tickle but luckily his I Become Pissy Little Whinypants Mark thing arrives to keep Mike's throat from actually getting sliced. He says he's going to cut out Mike's heart, just wailing and moaning to beat the band, like some kind of Goth Emo banshee--"BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOOK FROM ME WHEN YOU KILLED MY MOTHER!!!!" Oh,for Christ's sakes, how did any of these actors keep a straight face filming this?


Luckily, Theo poofs in from nowhere to take up Plot hauling duties and save Mike's bacon yet again. Daisy is Can Do girl when it comes to weapons dropping but there has to be a standoff between Mook and Theo, like we care or something.


Back to Ryan's bathroom, where Penny is writing quite the pointed Yelp review in her head about the spa treatments here. More back and forthing and Penny goads Ryan into slapping her, which he gets all freaked out about--like, this is what tipped you over, Ry? Not the whole kidnapping/hostage/torture thing? 


Penny keeps up with the chain yanking and Joe shows up to poke him and Kevin Bacon is just so precious having this little meltdown, but long and short? He tips Penny back and starts waterboarding her! Which looks pretty sucky but only goes on for about ten seconds because Theo's on the line with the news that he's got Mike and it's time to ramp this bullshit up to eleven. Okay! I signed on for this tour, I want the whole deal!


And that's this one! Tomorrow I will expound at length on the way theaters work and how using one for your clandestine prisoner exchanges is BULLSHIT. See you then!

Edited by Snookums
  • Love 6
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Thanks Snookums, that was great. It took me awhile to get through it because I was laughing so much. I have to agree with you, that episode wasn't so bad. Is it because we have become inured to the stupidity or did they dial it down a bit for this episode? Hard to tell.

I can't believe we're almost done with The Following. It seems just like yesterday we were laughing at the first time we saw Joe have a murdergasm and Ryan beginning his long streak of never bringing back up and allowing the suspect(s) to escape. Good times.*


* And by "Good times" I mean unintentionally funny, eye rolling, face palming good times.

  • Love 3
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And we're back! Part two of Time Wasting, Following Style!


We're literally right back to where we were, with Penny coughing on Ryan's bathroom floor as Ryan yell-concerns at Mike to talk to him. Back and forth for setting up the Penny/Mike trade, Ryan's all why should I trust you? And Theo's all dude, you shouldn't, I'm a crazy killer but I've got Mike so, hang by the phone, I'll ring back with specifics and hangs up. Theo does know when to end a phone call, I'll give him that. Always leave them wanting more Mike. Ryan mutters "dammit!" and looks around for something to punch, but Head Joe is wisely staying out of sight.



Mook is all pissy about the takesy-backsies but Theo's not really a natural listener. Daisy does her "I understand" intervene and Theo, more to shut her up then anything else, is all I don't care about Mike except as bait, you morons, you can have him as soon as I get Penny back! Geez, like a couple of sheep, these two. I can see why Theo prefers to work alone--gotta hand hold day and night!


Joe's back! I guess he doesn't want Ryan hogging up all the booze. He's all Mike's as good as dead, just use Penny to kill Theo already, GOD. Joe and Theo actually have a lot in common. I'd love a scene of them sitting around bitching about how there's no good, real no bullshit serial killer talent around these days. 


Ryan decides to listen to his pal vodka instead, and to share with Penny in the meantime. I'm sure she's thrilled. He sits around drinking and bitching about Theo's lackadaisical call return methods while Penny tries to keep awake. She doesn't even have the energy to smarm, just says to do what Theo says and he'll get his friend back. That's what he wants, right?

Ring ring says Ryan's phone, which he left on the counter! I'm glad Mike didn't know that! But it's Max, calling to say they traced Dead Idiot Tom's car to the warehouse so he sends it to voicemail. Max and random SWAT guys bust in and find Tom's blood puddles but nothing else (not even Tom.) Oh, and Mike's phone! Eeek, says Max's face.


Theo's gang of unhappiness pulls up to YET ANOTHER ABANDONED MANSION, this one in Westchester! Damn, I bet of all the segments of audience watching this show, real estate agents get the most worked up. They unload Mike from the back (of a pickup truck, tee hee). Time for a stroll through the dark! Bet you thought the showrunners forgot!


Theo webs Mike to a convenient radiator as Mike tries the psychout angle, saying that trusting these two pychos seems like a dumb move. Theo's all save it, rookie, you ain't got the juice, but Mike's actually targeting those said psychos; "I'm just saying, Mark's pouting over there like I killed his mom or something." OHHHH, DAMN, YOU WANT SOME ALOE FOR THAT BURN, MOOK?


Mook takes the bait immediately, snapping that after he's done with Mike he's going after Max, but Theo steps in and with a glance picks the lesser of two evils--leaving Daisy to watch Mike while he and Mark go off to really fucking irritate me. 


Back to Warehouse, where Lisa Campbell has apparently been called in to help. Sure, why not? I'm sure her full workload at Quantico can wait. Back and forth about the blood and how they don't know it's Mike's, Max updates Lisa on Tom's idiot timeline, and Ryan's MIA. 


Well, not for long! We cut to Max and Lisa pounding and buzzing at Ryan's Fortress of Inept Torturing, disturbing his latest Vodka Musings. He freaks, running into the bathroom to muffle Penny, who promptly bites him (and serve him right, THAT'S WHAT THE DUCT TAPE IS FOR, DUMMY), but manages to pull one of those time and space foldings he does to open the door just in time to the impatient agents, saying he was asleep.


Lisa and Max start to fill him in on what he already knows (Mike's missing, that is) while Ryan throws alkie excuses around like superballs--he was asleep, turned his phone off, broke a glass (Penny's bite is bleeding) blah blah blah while putting pants on and basically flailing around like a baby deer on an icy sidewalk. He is surprised to hear about Idiot Tom, but only momentarily.


Lisa gets a call saying they found Tom and his car, but no Mike. She heads out and Ryan sends Max out behind her, saying he'll get dressed and follow. Max starts to head out, but being around Flagrantly Alcoholic Ryan has finally made her suspicious--telling Lisa and the extras to go ahead, she turns around, uses her keys to go in--


AND WHAT'S THIS? Why, just Ryan Hardy dragging a woman duct-taped to a chair into his bedroom! My goodness, this is taking it up a notch! "Ryan, what the hell are you doing?" gasps Max. Ryan's face hilariously says "Um, it's...as bad as it looks. Worse, really. I cannot believe I still have a job."


"Is that Theo's sister?" shrieks Max. "Have you kidnapped her? Are you torturing her? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?" The answer to all these questions is yes.


Max has reached her limit at long last and starts to call this in, yelling that she's not going to be a part of this, but luckily Ryan and Idiot Plot have an ace up their sleeves--Theo, and he has Mike. After much parley, yelling of ridiculous lines about being involved in these shananigans at all and a much deserved punch to Ryan's puss, the two settle down to come up with yet another convoluted and Rube Goldbergian scheme to get Mike back without going to prison. 


More back and forth and the upshot is they can't tell anybody at the FBI know because Tom was "inside" and they have to assume everything official is compromised. They don't actually say "and we really don't want to go to prison" but please. Close runner up in the Absurd Bullshit contest is Max actually saying "So it's just me and you? No tactical support, nothing?" Like this is some kind of novel state of affairs! Max, you and Ryan and Mike have been running your own damn Star Chamber of a bureau from Day One, okay? 


Okay, so now we're at the bit that's pushed my rage button--like, not quite Laptop Level? But pretty damn close.  We're at a theater in Washington Heights, following a stage manager around as he talks to his mom on his cell, berating her for not having her hearing aid in and generally locking up for the night. Look, this goes on forever and involves a lot of wandering, a radio and this guy getting hatcheted in the neck by Mook; what I want to talk about is the utter stupidity of Theo's selecting this location for his trade off.


ONE, this is not a Theo move, it's a Joe move. Theo does not go for grand gestures and operatic crap, he's Mr. Ghost, remember? Well, the writers sure didn't! Two, we have just watched these characters running in and out of every remote, deserted location in the tristate area, but for this highly dangerous exchange, Theo picks a theater??? Have any of these halfwits ever been involved in a theatrical production? The last thing a working theater is, ever, for any meaningful length of time, is deserted. It is full of lighting techs, sound guys, costumers, actors, directors and stagehands running around like turkeys in the rain! The most Theo could hope for timewise is maybe one hour before the cast and crew of Matilda come bustling in here, abristle with Starbucks and cocaine!


Oh, and also? Dead guy is NOT THE CARETAKER. HE IS THE STAGE MANAGER. How could actual actors sit still for this crap? 


Theo and Mook have an exchange about said stage manager, not caretaker but I don't care. This entire sequence has me Hulking out!


So it's a good thing we're back at Ryan's! Max is doing dishes, of all things, enabling in ways large and small, while Ryan emerges and Max proceeds to lecture him about how priorities are Mike-rescue focused rather then otherwise, and how since Joe's booting from the mortal plane he's been "off." Really? Was he ever on, honestly?


There follows the delightful "pour the booze down the sink" ritual (farewell, Magic Vodka Bottle!) and Ryan wryly includes his flask, being so totally committed and all. He then outlines how he's going to boost some equipment from the FBI to use in their little black op, since they can't log anything out without Theo knowing. Gawd, this shit's tedious. Hell, I wouldn't blame Max for trying to lick booze out of the sink.


Cut to Daisy! Ahhh, the IQ of the show will soon be sinking into the earth! She's coming back into the room with Mike (which means she left him alone in there--way to go on guard duty, Daisy!) and does pointless busywork uncovering a window so she'll have a reason to stay in the room for the scene. Mike asks for some water and she makes a big show of flicking her knife as she approaches with her Fiji water bottle, label towards the camera, but Mike knows she's the weak link. Shit, air molecules know Daisy is the weak link.


Mike goes into his spiel about how she's playing a dangerous game, they're gonna kill her, blah blah blah, they argue back and forth, shark metaphor (Theo files a copyright infringement lawsuit), Daisy brings up Boxed Agent which was pretty dumb even for her, Mike offers to let her run if she lets him go, Mike lays more truth on her, she gets fed up and gags him! Well, hell. But it's clear that she knows perfectly well that no matter what, she's doomed. Wonder if that will come into play later.


Back at Nameless Character In A Minor Ayn Rand Novel Fed building, and Ryan, whose time/space folding powers have apparently quit on him, is attempting to be stealthy by walking straight down the main corridor and past the Glass Fortress of Solitude command center, where Lisa, in her new "command" role, is extolling something or other about Tom and the mole and shit. Oh, right, that's still happening as far as these guys are concerned. I wonder how many hundreds of hours of wasted manpower is being burned while Ryan plays secret agent?


Ryan actually tries the "duck my head a bit" maneuver and it works as well as he deserves. Lisa spots him and runs after, but Ryan does the ol' duck behind a door trick (the door's so grateful he didn't kick it in that it plays along) and goes right to his locker for his handy work booze! Well, priorities. 


Meanwhile, back at the remote, deserted mansion that would do just splendidly for a prisoner swap, what? I'm just saying, Mike is bent over, gasping and wheezing around his gag in a manner that would fool ten year olds, probably. So it works like a charm on Daisy! The cessation of snorts gets her right over to him, and with a single head whap, she's down!


Now for more back and forths! Yaaaay! These scenes are like going in endless circles at the Skate King on Tuesday night! Theo and Mook pull up from their totally useless, pointless errand, Mike snags Daisy's knife and cuts himself free, almost walks into them, hides in another room, Theo finds knocked out Daisy, and IT'S TIME FOR A CHASE SCENE! Also, as an aside, this place was apparently decorated by a mad dollmaker, so par for the course for this show.


This goes on for a bit, as is The Following's wont, interspersed with Mook meltdowns/Daisy soothings at the stupidest possible times (Love the bit where she says that if Mook crosses Theo he'll kill both of us, and "is that what you want?" Mook's expression is basically "Well, YES, dumbass. Did you forget how we hooked up in the first place? Beach house, dead guy, aborted striptease and shit? I was totally going to kill you?" Daisy seems to take the hint, a first for her!


Mike chucks a handy cabinet of creepy dolls at Theo and makes a break for it! Almost makes it but BOOM there's Mook! Who's about to give him lead poisoning but Daisy's at the top of the stairs yelling for him to stop! And then makes her point with a bullet to the arm, yeowch! Mook actually looks surprised as Daisy drives him off with more shots and Theo covers and grabs Mike. Well, she knows which male is Alpha, and I can't blame her for being fed up with Mook's bullshit.


Are either of you guys going after him? No? Just gonna have him wander around with a gun leaving a blood trail, then? Okay, you know best. 


Damn, we're only halfway through this. Okay, speeding it up.


Ryan and Max pull a slick little move to get the radios that involve her calling the equipment desk and distracting the check out guy and sneaking various equipments into his handy backback. Siggghhhh.... Competent Ryan, I'll miss you most of all.


Back to Deserted Mansion that Theo and Co. have no reason to desert but who ever listens to me? Theo, having no Mooks left to boss around, is left in the amusing position of having Daisy watch Mike AGAIN while he putters around with shit. Yep, that's a good idea. Mike works her again and almost pushes her into shooting him, which is kind of an empty victory, honestly, Mike, but Theo into the breach again! Off to Washington Heights for that matinee!


Confrontation on the FBI staircase between Lisa and Ryan, and Kevin Bacon does a good job faking/using the "alcoholic sneaky face" to misdirect her. He feints her with the booze bottle and a story about being a mess, having to call his sponsor, and Lisa leaves him be with a warning about reporting this to Donovan, which, whatever, he's got a theater date, can't be late!


Speaking of said date, his plus one is on the phone, saying the "old theater" on the corner of Bullshit and Blow Me "should give us all the privacy we need." Yeah, between dodging the chorus line rehearsing in the lobby and the box office manager taking first night reservations they should be as cozy as bugs in a rug! Not at all like the deserted, remote, out in the middle of nowhere mansion they just left!


Here we are at the totally lit up theater! Just private as all get out! Daisy and Theo watch on some random camera hookup as Ryan hauls Penny, gagged and bound, out of his passenger seat and onto the public street! Yes, Steath Ryan! Do you suppose he paid tolls with her trussed up beside him like a Christmas ham? That would have been a scene to recap, lemme tell ya.


Ryan's got some tech tricks up his sleeve and shows/uses a signal jammer to Theo's camera, panicking Daisy, but Theo's only focused on getting Penny back and says no, they're sticking to the plan. He hands over a scoped rifle and tells "I'm more of a handgun girl" Daisy to suck it up and deal, since she's the one who winged the original shooter, Mook, in the first place. Daisy looks unhappy.


They hop out of the van and go in one side of the private, nobody around at all theater as Ryan and Penny enter the other. Hope the fifty people doing the first read through of Twilight of the Golds don't mind the interruption!


Into said opulent, clearly in use theater they go, and Max following close behind. The poor dead stage manager is front and center, for absolutely no good reason at all--did Theo honestly think Ryan would care?-- and Ryan hauls his snuffling burden at gunpoint down towards the stage, calling out for Theo.


A ripple in the curtain and there's taped up Mike, followed by Theo! Again, what is this about? This is patently NOT Theo's style, it is Joe's, and the cognitive dissonance is shrieking through this entire scene.  A long and boring exchange of handcuffings of prisoners follows, with Mike hitched up to dead Stage Manager and Penny to a random railing. THIS IS NOT FUN TO WATCH WITH NO JOE AROUND, SHOWRUNNERS. 


Brief exchange about darkness that I am ignoring, boring threats from Theo about credit cards and Gwen that I am also ignoring, along with Ryan, who's beyond giving a shit (although he does get in a good zinger about no more playing dress up) and they are each almost at their rescuee when...


"Ryan get down!" yells Max over the radio, and Ryan just misses a bullet courtesy of Daisy's Not Air Rifle! This quickly devolves into tacklings and untieings, with the upshot being both Daisy and Penny/Theo fleeing and Ryan untying Mike, telling him to look after Max as he chases his quarry. 


More running around, quick hug between Max and Mike, Theo and Penny are nearly home free when she suddenly stops! She says they can't leave, and at Theo's understandable bewilderment says Ryan tortured her...Theo's all don't WORRY, I'LL TOTALLY TORTURE HIM BACK, LET'S GO, but she takes off in the opposite direction! What the hell? Did she tell Ryan something? What's her deal?

Well, it doesn't matter, because here's Ryan and his gun! Lots of shooting and yelling of "Penny!" but the end result is Penny taking a bullet in the back and dying before Theo's very eyes! Oh, dear, that's not going to be good for him. At all.


Theo climbs into his van, but his despair is punctured by Daisy in the back! He almost lays her out then and there (as he should have done back at the cabin, let's be honest) but her quiet "we have to get out of here" triggers his survival instincts. He drives off.


Ryan charges out the stage door ONTO A BUSY STREET, WAVING HIS GUN! Pointing it at people! But as per Edict From On High, Theo has got clean away. I wonder if instead of deja vu, Ryan has brief moments when the same things don't seem to happen over and over. But hey, got Mike back! Let's hear it for secret, insanely illegal missions!


Ten minutes to go! Back at HQ, Ryan is wishing the Glass Fortress was full of vodka as Lisa berates him for not telling her about this whole off the books rescue thing. Ryan says they couldn't risk it what with all the compromised shit, Lisa actually has to say the line "You're an FBI agent, Ryan, you don't get to run around playing cowboy," and looks like she's in real physical pain. More cliches fly fast and furious as she announces she's queen of the world and Ryan better start explaining how he came to pick up that bad Penny.


Ryan gives some rrrrreally weaksauce story about how Penny attacked him at her apartment, he arrested her, Theo called, etc., totally gazing at her all "I DARE you to call me out" the whole time. Lisa calls him a liar and a drunk but can't disprove anything, since Max will back Ryan's tale. She has to settle for threatening suspension, but Ryan's past caring--Theo's coming after him and nothing else matters.


Theo and Daisy in the van, which doesn't end with him shoving her out at sixty miles an hour so this was a waste of time.


Max and Mike have another convo! She's still got her job for unfathomable reasons but the real reason for this is sexay banter, so let's get cracking! But before Mike can really move in he gets called into Lisa's  very hastily assembled indeed tribunal. Guess it'll have to wait. What could go wrong?


Ryan gets back to his apartment's loving embrace, but before he can get onto the phone with every liquor store in a ten mile radius that delivers--look who it is! Gwen! Soon to be renamed Target! But never mind that, let's have a big emotional boo hooing about being hung up on and Joe and Gwen's being right and admitting dark secrets and on and on. The actors do a good job making this sow's ear into a purse, but God, they should not have to work this hard.


Gwen almost leaves, but turns back, having forgotten to blow Ryan's mind one last time with her pregnancy bomb! Having done so, she departs, probably to go tie herself up and stand on a street corner waiting for Theo. 


Cut to Ryan at an AA meeting, with an expression on his face that basically says "I am killing Bernie Madoff no matter what it takes." He stands up and shares, only to spot Joe! But rather then shut down, he stares Joe down instead, and Joe gives a little bow and peaces out. What can this mean? Besides Purefoy peeling out of the studio lot at seventy miles an hour throwing script pages out the window and screaming?


Cut to Max and Mike! Aww, those crazy kids, I always knew they'd get together! They walk and talk and proclaim their mutual adoration and plan a slumber party and it's really darling, right down to Max rolling down her window for one more kiss. Daw, so cute.


I don't think they expected Mook to show up, though, who's really got some fab arm control considering it's got a bunch of bullets in it. But hey, this is the guy who walked off a shooting in the leg and falling three stories into freezing water, so hey! 


Mook, who is nothing if not focused on his goals, finally achieves something in his life by repeatedly stabbing poor Mike in the back! Shit! He grabs Max out of her car, but before he can stab her too, HE'S GUNNED DOWN! BY MIKE! That was a stone cold hero move! Max calls for help and sobs over Mike's bleeding out body while Mook stares with dead eyes, finally realizing that he made all the wrong life choices, goat cheese in the mashed potatoes or no.


And that, is, it! Next week is the series finale, everybody! Get ready to party like it's election week in 1849 Baltimore!

Edited by Snookums
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My God, this show is in a dead heat with Chicago Fire for the Most Unprofessional Professionals of all time.  Tom, of course, had the black cloud of Joe Bltsflk (ancient Li'l Abner reference, forgive me if it was misspelled) and was doomed from the moment he answered his telephone; Ryan the drunk (no sympathy at all); Max, who can't take down a suspect without getting clobbered herself; Mike and Max, who, instead of chasing suspects, run to each other, embrace, and ask the always unnecessary question "Are you alright?", and, last and certainly least, anonymous theater caretaker who walks down dark hallways calling out "Hello?".  Buddy, if no one answers the second time, walk away.  Never mind, too late.


And the gunfight in the hallway.  At least the producers thought enough to put some bullet holes in the wall to make it seem to be approaching realistic.


I wonder if the original story line was going to feature Eliza's House of Masochism clientele next season.


I miss Raylan.  And Rachel and Tim and Boyd.  Hell, I even miss Dewey.

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On this show, it's hard to pick the biggest idiot of all time.  But I have to think Tom is in the running.  Dude got played like a fiddle, and went out like a chump.  I have no shame in admitting I was laughing at his death, because he was so, so stupid, in how he handled this entire situation.  Really, had he been a normal human being and just dumped Max after he knew she cheated on him, all of this could have been avoided.  Instead, the creeper got acid to the face.  Bwah!

Man, I don't think I've ever enjoyed someone getting acid to the face, then being shot, as much as I did when it happened to Tom.  What a fucking moron!  Beyond all the other dumb shit he's done all season, I'm BAFFLED that he left a dead corpse rotting in his bathtub.  Dude didn't even attempt to wrap it up to keep the scent in.  Just went back to work and then went on a date.  Pure tomfoolery.


Don't even get me started on Gwen, with her "all you care about is work; you need to quit your job; you're an awful person" business.  Get the fuck out of here with that shit.  Ryan may be a piece of work, but he never lied about who he is and what his priorities were.  You just chose not to listen.  One can only hope that Theo takes care of her next week in his extended rage.

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I laughed so hard when Tom got shot right after getting the acid facial. Like, seriously, why even bother?!


Sober Ryan is boring. I was expecting a lot more crazy. Come on, Ghost Joe Poe, don't give up so easily!

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Just doing a list of the ridiculousness for my own enjoyment.
- Junkie sharpshooter who can hide behind a tree that is too narrow to hide her and is so incredibly stealth that she can easily sneak up on people.
- I always blow dry my dry hair for a little extra time.  I like my hair like I like my chicken – extra crispy.
- Why even ask if the person using the laptop is “dumb enough”?  Have you not read the script?  Stupidity is the one consistent feature on this show. 
- How can Gwen be so bland and over-dramatic at the same time? 
- So glad that they know Ryan is drinking but they keep letting him drive let alone letting him have a gun. 
- The cutting out my heart when you killed my mother speech was eerily reminiscent of “the red hots are for my mommy!”  Do the writers watch the same bad reality TV I do?
- Where do I get a bottle of vodka that refills itself?  Think of the cost savings. 
- Oh Max, it’s a family tradition to sleep with unstable murderers.  No one is surprised that Tom’s a killer.  It would be more surprising if he wasn’t. 
- Does no one ever lock the door?  I’ve got a killer tied up in my bathroom; come on in!
- There seems to be a new directorial choice to have people go all bug-eyed whenever they hear something shocking, or that they didn’t think the other person knew, or find out they’re laundry isn’t ready or the coffee is cold.  I want to play poker with these people.  No one has a game face.
- Really Max, you didn’t think Ryan had more booze stashed?  You must be great on drug busts.  You could walk past a stack of heroin bricks as long as they’re neatly stacked.  Maybe they could be effectively hidden in a playpen or on a coffee table? 
- In a dark theater, the light miraculously follows Ryan.  Suddenly I thought we were in a church and he was the second coming. 
- Junkie Penny’s hair is finally messy.  All it took was a little water-boarding and being dragged all over town.  I need to find out what hair products she uses. 
- I really miss live Joe.  So much scenery left unchewed. 
- When there are multiple a psycho killers hunting you, it makes good sense to make out in a parking lot.  The stupid runs so deep.


And can we get a shout out for the repeated shots of the hot dog graffiti?

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