Tara Ariano March 3, 2015 Share March 3, 2015 Agents with the FBI's Cyber Crime Division investigate illegal activities on the Internet. In the opener, the cyber analysts probe a case of hacked baby monitors. Link to comment
Kromm March 4, 2015 Share March 4, 2015 (edited) Here's an annoying fairly non-informative preview that at the very least DOES answer the question of which Who song is used. http://youtu.be/Os5Ias9go64 Edited March 4, 2015 by Kromm 1 Link to comment
shapeshifter March 4, 2015 Share March 4, 2015 Here's an annoying fairly non-informative preview that at the very least DOES answer the question of which Who song is used....I'm not sure if they are featuring "oldies but goodies" (both song and actors) to market to a certain demographic, or if they are just trying to up the quality quotient for the franchise in a post-Breaking Bad, post-True Detective, post-Fargo, post-Netflix etc. world. Even the younger, relatively unknown cast members have decent resumes on IMDB. But the writers all seem to be out-of-the-box CSI alums, so I'm not expecting too much. Link to comment
Primetimer March 4, 2015 Share March 4, 2015 CSI: Cyber combines proven quantities: crime procedurals, panic about the internet, and unrealistic graphics! Read the story 1 Link to comment
MorbidPet March 4, 2015 Share March 4, 2015 I really wanted to like this because of Patricia Arquette & Peter MacNichol but that was not good at any level or angle or bite... too bad :( 2 Link to comment
ratgirlagogo March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Every single plot involving the internet on every single iteration of CSI has been one of the worst, most far-fetched and difficult to believe episodes. Seriously, without exception the worst episodes. I just can't imagine trying to sit through this CSI. 1 Link to comment
janeta March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 I remember when PA used to actually, you know, *act*... -sigh- 1 Link to comment
solotrek March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 I remember when PA used to actually, you know, *act*... -sigh- To be fair, she's probably doing this for the paycheck so she can keep doing things like Boyhood. 2 Link to comment
Kromm March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 This was pretty shit. Very unrealistic, very overacted (by a newly minted Oscar winner, no less), very tech-bludgeony (real concepts, fake execution) and while we got the Who song, didn't even use it in the way that would be most creepy/effective (if "I Can See For Miles and Miles" had been used to help imply that all these cyber changes are leading to a total loss of privacy--instead we got Patty sitting on the Lincoln memorial steps and a big camera pull-back--BIG fucking deal). But guys... it's got cyberness. Like Tron! 1 Link to comment
The Wild Sow March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Very unrealistic,.......and while we got the Who song, didn't even use it in the way that would be most creepy/effective (if "I Can See For Miles and Miles" had been used to help imply that all these cyber changes are leading to a total loss of privacy Unrealistic indeed! Baltimore to "Upstate NY" in a few minutes? WTF did they do? Teleport??? "I can teleport for miles and miles...." 3 Link to comment
Kromm March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 (edited) Unrealistic indeed! Baltimore to "Upstate NY" in a few minutes? WTF did they do? Teleport??? "I can teleport for miles and miles...." Liberally, if we choose to interpret "Upstate NY" as actually being the Northeastern part of the state and not the Western part (so like Albany instead of Syracuse, Rochester or Buffalo), and "Baltimore" as "North of the bad traffic ring around Baltimore", and totally ignore traffic clusters in several places on the trip (like NYC, which alone could double the transit time), then it's still around 5 hours. It's too far for most helicopters too, so that's likely out as an explanation as well. They'd have to have done a few transfers, car, to plane, to car or copter. Edited March 5, 2015 by Kromm Link to comment
briochetwist March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 It would have been so much better if she'd dreamt who the kidnappers were while hanging out at the table with her cute hubby Joe... 8 Link to comment
Kate the Great March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 As someone who lives in Albany, it looked south of the Capital District, somewhere like Kingston, but that's still nowhere near NYC, let alone Baltimore (!). Not to mention that Upstate NY looked awfully like southern California, amazingly! Also: "It's an online baby auction!" "Put Natal-Cam back on, or Caleb dies!" Oh, the dialogue. 1 Link to comment
Kromm March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 The Vulture said it all JUST with a title: CSI: Cyber Is As Dumb As It Seems Link to comment
ottoDbusdriver March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 (edited) I tuned out after the first half hour -- the minute that that Avery said that the baby kidnapping was a Cyber crime since it involved electronics (and this is before they even knew there were these strange voices on the webcam). Does that mean that CSI: Cyber will be handling all crimes involving cell phones, iPads, smartwatches, etc. -- because I think they will need more staff since pretty much every crime these days seems to involve electronics of some sort. Daniel and Raven work for the FBI in a high profile division, yet choose to dress a little too casual (or was it just Casual Friday every day). It's not some municipal city crime lab -- it's the FBI !! I guess they have to appeal to the millennials somehow. They had better start cranking out new scripts for for the original CSI -- since this is going to tank so badly. Edited March 5, 2015 by ottoDbusdriver 2 Link to comment
henripootel March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Oh for fuck's sake - the kidnappers will 'seek higher ground' due to 'evolutionary instincts'? Jesus pusbucket, this is the kinda shit you get when you leave Bones on the air for more than 3 episodes. I know there were even more preposterous things in this pilot (a 'sniper' who shoots from 20 feet away? Seriously?) but when they're in your wheelhouse they really sting. Good to see Fat Neil getting work though. And the Beek. But god this sucks. 1 Link to comment
shapeshifter March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 The Vulture said it all JUST with a title: CSI: Cyber Is As Dumb As It SeemsI'm going to take on the role of the child in the crowd who blurted out that the Emperor had no clothes: Auctioning off a white baby to a rich, Third World couple? Was that supposed to distract us from the lifeless baby doll that was rescued from the lake? Were we supposed to be so caught up in the chase scenes that we never questioned their willingness to barge in guns blazing to a place where they heard a baby crying? Nobody else thought it odd that they continued a wild car chase knowing the baby was in the car when they could have instead--IDK--maybe followed the car from the air with their helicopter? And I'm not the only one who figured the baby was seriously injured from sustaining a crash into the pond while being strapped into the car seat facing the wrong way for an infant's neck strength. Seriously, show? Good thing it was just a rubber baby doll. 8 Link to comment
Zahdii March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 I'll probably watch again next week because there's nothing else on in that timeslot (that I'd watch), but I found myself bored and tuned out. Patricia Arquette isn't selling her character very well. I thought she almost looked bored. Nice to see Peter MacNicol again. That was Fat Neal? I thought he looked familiar, but wasn't interested enough to really try to place him. Now I hope that tonight's showing of Community is Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. <checks TV guide> Nope. Darn. Link to comment
David T. Cole March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 LOL what a fantastic steaming pile of poo. Dawson paused an arcade game! 4 Link to comment
javax3000 March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Horrible is all I can say about this show. An other scar for the CSI franchise. Link to comment
Big Bad Wolf March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Wow, that was so very, very bad in so many, many ways. I can't think of anything good about it, actually. Thanks to those people here who've pointed out some of the problems. My contribution: the terrible, unnecessary 'slow-mo' frames for no apparent reason. Seeing PA in only this, one would never have been able to guess for a single second that she's an Oscar winning actress. 1 Link to comment
shrewd.buddha March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 (edited) How long before we get an episode where we learn that emojis can kill you? ..Because it's coming. Like all CSI's, this show was a long series of actors spouting not-exactly real facts and figures. I guess there's no acting that can overcome reciting pseudo science with a tinge of truthiness. The reasoning of how to find the kidnappers at one exact bar within a 100 mile radius was super crazy WtF. That scene should be archived for the ages. ("Eliminate all left hand turns and it will be at a higher elevation") And of course, our heroes are the ones who are present during the car chase and rescuing the baby from the pond. Because nothing can happen unless the main cast is there. I'm surprised that shows still have shots of the heroes doing the strut walk. So silly looking. Like the other CSI's and Scorpion (and most of CBS's procedurals ), this might be good for a few laughs when nothing else is on... I expect to see : Lots of scenes in server rooms Lots of super-large monitors and screens - because cyber people need that. Lots of fast typing, followed by the exclamation "I'm in !" Lots of computer screen shots with windows of scrolling text. (It's the Matrix!) Edited March 5, 2015 by shrewd.buddha 2 Link to comment
Kel Varnsen March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Other than this year's season finale of original recipe CSI I haven't watched any CSI shows in years. So I am curious, did this show get any kind of crossover/backdoor pilot kind of thing where the the Las Vegas CSI crew worked with Patrica Arquette's CSI cyber crew? Because didn't all the other spinoffs (NY, Miami) get something like that? Lots of computer screen shots with windows of scrolling text. (It's the Matrix!) Imaging how good their image enhancement software is if they are the computer division of the FBI? This looks really bad though, and I get they want it to be part of the franchise, but how can it be a Crime Scene investigation show, when there is no actual crime scene? Are they just working from their offices the whole time? Link to comment
henripootel March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Good thing it was just a rubber baby doll. Hey man, Dawson had that doll on dry land in seconds! And then totally left the kidnappers to drown cuz fuck them. That guy kidnapper was like the scummiest-looking scum who ever scummed, so a death-bath would probably do him good. The 'virtual autopsy' wins an award for the most useless future-tech ever, but it did give me a new bit of brain-garbage I'll have to wash out with drink: boob smuggling. I'm speechless. 7 Link to comment
ottoDbusdriver March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Other than this year's season finale of original recipe CSI I haven't watched any CSI shows in years. So I am curious, did this show get any kind of crossover/backdoor pilot kind of thing where the the Las Vegas CSI crew worked with Patrica Arquette's CSI cyber crew? Because didn't all the other spinoffs (NY, Miami) get something like that? There was one episode of CSI Original version where Patricia Arquette's character showed up in Las Vegas to help out with a case in Season 14, and then she appeared very briefly appeared in another episode about midway through the final season. Unlike all the previous franchise expansions, no one went from Las Vegas to D.C. to work with the CSI: Cyber offices for a case in order to establish the cast of the spinoff, so all the characters here are new to the CSI universe except for Avery Ryan. 1 Link to comment
Raja March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 It's too far for most helicopters too, so that's likely out as an explanation as well. They'd have to have done a few transfers, car, to plane, to car or copter. Probably took one of the BAU's Gulfstreams 2 Link to comment
johntfs March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 I get the feeling that Sherlock and "Everyone" could have solved this thing in an hour, but only if Sherlock sent pictures of himself mounting a "My Little Pony" sex doll. 1 Link to comment
mspaul March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 I still can't believe that this isn't a fake show that the JVDB of B in 23 is on. Which I think would be a much more entertaining show. 10 Link to comment
ottoDbusdriver March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Here's a article with two guys who blogged the episode -- I should have stayed for the last half hour just for sheer ridiculousness because their analysis is pretty funny. http://threatpost.com/csi-cyber-we-watched-so-you-didnt-have-to/111440 There's an embedded clip in that article of the car plunging into the lake and JVDB saving the baby -- why did none of the state troopers dive in to save the couple in the front seats of the car ? They had to know that the baby wasn't the only occupant -- it's not like he was the driver. Because that seems rather callous to not only let them die, but not even be bothered to try and rescue them -- "Let 'em drown, they're baby kidnappers after all" seems to be the acceptable conclusion. Link to comment
solotrek March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Hey man, Dawson had that doll on dry land in seconds! And then totally left the kidnappers to drown cuz fuck them. That guy kidnapper was like the scummiest-looking scum who ever scummed, so a death-bath would probably do him good. The 'virtual autopsy' wins an award for the most useless future-tech ever, but it did give me a new bit of brain-garbage I'll have to wash out with drink: boob smuggling. I'm speechless. The virtual autopsy and the line about evolutionary behavior causing the kidnappers to seek higher land made my day. Link to comment
90PercentGravity March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Wow. That was bad, even for a pilot. How do something like that even make it to production? I wanted to watch for James Van Der Beek, who I developed a fondness for after Don't Trust the B, but this is unwatchable. It's not even hate-watchable. 1 Link to comment
roomtorome March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Embarrassing beyond belief. Is PA supposed to be going for the mantle David Caruso dumped in the trash on his way off that camp-fest? If so, she needs to camp it up. She's simply awful (and, to be petty, with all the tons of filler in her face, it doesn't move to match whatever minimal "emotion" she was trying to convey. It's just not bad/goofy enough to be campy enough to waste two more brain cells on - But, I'm not surprised - this level of bad was telegraphed when she made her first appearance back on the mothership - Every single person is bad - which means (since I assume some of these performers do have a modicum of talent) this is intentional or it is just a very very very bad director. Stupid and awful. Had 10 plus million viewers, wonder what it will be next week if up against new episodes of other shows. Nashville had about 1/2 that number and hasn't been doing well; I don't know how Chicago PD has been doing so don't know what will happen when it's not a repeat. But, no one needs to watch TV badly enough to watch thing - do they? 3 Link to comment
slowpoked March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 I don't get this at all. So every crime that uses a cellphone and/or a computer will automatically be handed over to the Cyber Division? Aren't all crimes or any situation before and after the actual crime using some kind of electronic devices now?! What the heck will the local CSIs do now? Back to the rapists/murderers in the dark alley cases only?! The pilot is so bad. Someone above mentioned Scorpion, but at least that show has the smarts to put a "tongue-in-cheek" feel to it. Unlike this one, takes itself way too seriously. 2 Link to comment
Lisin March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 So we really had to do the last shot of Arquette sitting on the Lincoln Memorial Steps - sorry, a bad green screen of the Lincoln Memorial Steps... Really?! It's just so cliche. I mean the whole thing was awful but that last shot killed me. I'm dead now. 4 Link to comment
Kromm March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Wow. That was bad, even for a pilot. How do something like that even make it to production? I wanted to watch for James Van Der Beek, who I developed a fondness for after Don't Trust the B, but this is unwatchable. It's not even hate-watchable. Sorry, it doesn't have the excuse of being a Pilot. The Pilot was a backdoor episode on CSI Vegas, it was approved to series based on that, and this was simply a first episode aired from the run shot off that approval (vs. a Pilot, where the classic excuse for them being so shit is because they're often made a year earlier than the rest of the show, and a lot of writing/production ramping up hasn't happened yet). This was bad simply because it was bad. The pilot is so bad. Someone above mentioned Scorpion, but at least that show has the smarts to put a "tongue-in-cheek" feel to it. Unlike this one, takes itself way too seriously. Make no mistake, Scorpion is bad, but not nearly THIS bad. I actually enjoyed the first episode of Scorpion and have come down from that mainly because the show hasn't been wacko ENOUGH since then (when they hooked a computer cable up between a jet racing over a landing strip and a laptop in a sportscar). But CSI just seems like dumb cliches without any ability to portray what they're doing as a cartoon, because you know... it's about CSI stuff (so murders, kidnappings, etc.) It's gonna have this self-important Lincoln monument sitting shit at it's core. 3 Link to comment
Yeldarbe March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 (edited) I agree with the majority that this was no bueno. I almost turned it off during the very first scene because of the weird twitchy shots and weird almost freeze frame things of PA drinking a big gulp. and even though the baby was so clearly <s>a doll</s> not gonna die I got something in my eye during that part... I'll keep watching since this was a pilot but it almost came across as satirical it was so bad. I'm not even sure I'm in for the snark because it's all so...bad. Edited March 5, 2015 by Yeldarbe 3 Link to comment
solotrek March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 I'll keep watching since this was a pilot but it almost came across as satirical it was so bad. I'm not even sure I'm in for the snark because it's all so...bad. Some parts definitely felt like a SNL skit. 2 Link to comment
Kromm March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Nobody else thought it odd that they continued a wild car chase knowing the baby was in the car when they could have instead--IDK--maybe followed the car from the air with their helicopter? Oh, if I cared more about this show I would have been screaming at the TV at that point. I actually DID say out loud though... "why the fuck are the cops endangering that baby with a car chase?" I mean it was the middle of nowhere and they had a GPS lock on the car, and those baddies (who DIED FOR THEIR SINS! Cliche JUSTICCCEEEEEEEE!) were pretty dim. So all the cops had to do was wait for the baddies to pull the car over themselves, or corner them in a less dangerous to drive area. 2 Link to comment
solotrek March 5, 2015 Share March 5, 2015 Oh, if I cared more about this show I would have been screaming at the TV at that point. I actually DID say out loud though... "why the fuck are the cops endangering that baby with a car chase?" I mean it was the middle of nowhere and they had a GPS lock on the car, and those baddies (who DIED FOR THEIR SINS! Cliche JUSTICCCEEEEEEEE!) were pretty dim. So all the cops had to do was wait for the baddies to pull the car over themselves, or corner them in a less dangerous to drive area. I enjoyed the death count the FBI seems to be racking up already. The 2 kidnappers who went to higher ground, the sniper who was shooting from even higher ground (Obi-Wan was right), and the 2 kidnappers in the car in the lake that no one went to rescue. 5 people. I don't think that many people are supposed to die during an investigation. 2 Link to comment
henripootel March 6, 2015 Share March 6, 2015 (edited) Liberally, if we choose to interpret "Upstate NY" Everything north of the city is 'upstate'. And the Blue Ridge isn't anywhere near Baltimore, and if your instinct is to 'go to high ground', look forward to a nice drive out past Frederick, 20 plus miles and past god knows how many crap bars, hundreds certainly. Can't believe I'm nitpicking a show with a guy whose thought thinking process involves rapping it out. Edited March 6, 2015 by henripootel 4 Link to comment
Calamity Jane March 6, 2015 Share March 6, 2015 I really wanted to like this because of Patricia Arquette & Peter MacNichol but that was not good at any level or angle or bite... too bad :( I was just coming here to say this very thing. So disappointing. 2 Link to comment
AlwaysWatching March 6, 2015 Share March 6, 2015 The sad thing is, you could see PA and PM straining (stifling?) their acting abilities within the first couple minutes of being on screen. We all know that both of these actors are extremely good. The writing is at grade school level. Very sad. I don't know if this was just a lousy set-up script or if this is going to be level of dumb which they choose to stick with every week. Link to comment
thuganomics85 March 6, 2015 Share March 6, 2015 This was actually my first time ever watching a CSI show. Usually avoid them like the plague, but I bought into the concept of seeing one with The Beek, Peter MacNicol, and even a freaking Oscar winner. That was a mistake. Seriously, if this was the only thing I ever saw Patrica Arquette in, I would never believe she won an Oscar. She was horrid in this. Just horrid. Her acting choices didn't make sense half of the time. But since the usually awesome MacNicol wasn't much better, I really can't blame her too much. I at least got amusement out of James Van Der Beek playing generic action hero (actually the character's name is so hilariously stupid: Elijah Mundo!) It helps pretending that this was a never aired plot from "Don't Trust the B--- in Apartment 23", where "James" is force to take a crappy role in this, after his gig on "Dancing with the Stars" failed. And, I don't know what it is, but even though I saw it in almost all the TV spots, Bow Wow's "Eenie meenie miney mo. Catch a gangsta by his toe." bit, still made me want to throw something at the screen. So so stupid. So, yeah: I think I'm already done. 5 Link to comment
Sandman March 6, 2015 Share March 6, 2015 I choose to believe that somewhere Chloe is howling with derision, and downing a shot every time James does the slo-mo Action Hero Entrance on CSI: Geek Starring James Van Der Beek. It takes commitment to be that awful. And "Elijah Mundo" was no one's name ever. That should have been someone's first clue. 3 Link to comment
ottoDbusdriver March 6, 2015 Share March 6, 2015 And "Elijah Mundo" was no one's name ever. That should have been someone's first clue. With a name like that, he's probably the moliest mole that ever moled a mole. I choose to believe that somewhere Chloe is howling with derision, and downing a shot every time James does the slo-mo Action Hero Entrance on CSI: Geek Starring James Van Der Beek. I actually miss that show. Loved Chloe and June and company. 2 Link to comment
Sandman March 6, 2015 Share March 6, 2015 Of course, in Chloe's universe, Macnicol can be seen stomping around the soundstage grumbling "Sophie's Effin' Choice, people!" And James refers to him as "Dragonslayer" when Macnicol's not around. Link to comment
90PercentGravity March 6, 2015 Share March 6, 2015 The hilariously bad reviews of this show are the best thing about this show. Link to comment
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