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Celebrating 1,000 NCIS-franchise episodes

If I Was The Last Person Alive, I Would...: Corrupt-A-Post-Apocalyptic-Wish

Meredith Quill

By Meredith Quill
in The Last Man On Earth [V]

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morgankobi

morgankobi

(edited)

In case you've never played, it goes like this:

The first person posits a "last person alive" scenario such as, "If I was the last person on Earth, I would gather all the books I could and read for the rest of my life in peace and quiet." (I mean, I have to use that for an example, right?)

 

The second poster corrupts that scenario Monkey Paw-style (or, Twilight Zone style) and then makes their own scenario/wish:

"Yes, but then your glasses break and you can no longer read.

If I was the last person alive, I would set-up camp in the White House and re-enact episodes of The West Wing."

Edited by morgankobi
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Trini

Trini

If I was the last person alive, I would set-up camp in the White House and re-enact episodes of The West Wing.

 

... But you don't have the access codes/keys to get into the rooms with the really cool stuff.

 

If I was the last woman on Earth, I'd have naked Tuesdays.

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shapeshifter

shapeshifter

...If I was the last woman on Earth, I'd have naked Tuesdays.

Unfortunately, for some unpredictable horticultural reason, in a post-human world, poison ivy and poison oak grow wildly everywhere.

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd go to San Diego and live on papayas and avocados. And maybe Nutella and coffee.

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Trini

Trini

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd go to San Diego and live on papayas and avocados. And maybe Nutella and coffee.

... Too bad there's no one to import them to San Diego; and you develop a nut allergy.

 

If I were the last woman on Earth, I'd sleep on the fluffiest down bed I could find (or make).

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MarkHB

MarkHB

If I were the last woman on Earth, I'd sleep on the fluffiest down bed I could find (or make).

 

Unfortunately, post-apocalyptic waterfowl are horrifying, carnivorous monsters and they really don't like being cold.

 

If I were the last man on Earth, I would amuse myself for hours at a time playing roulette in Vegas.

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Trini

Trini

If I were the last man on Earth, I would amuse myself for hours at a time playing roulette in Vegas.

... Unfortunately, you electrocute yourself trying to turn on the neon lights.

 

If I were the last woman on Earth, I'd make a giant bowl of fruit punch to drink. From ALL the fruit juices.

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Monty9

Monty9

(edited)

 

If I were the last woman on Earth, I'd make a giant bowl of fruit punch to drink. From ALL the fruit juices.

One of which is Durian fruit. Congrats! Now you have a sense of what human corpse juice tastes like..

 

If I were the last woman on earth, I'd go to the children's television workshop and make all of the Sesame Street puppets tell me that they love me. Then I would make a big pile of them and sleep on the big pile of squishy puppets.

Edited by Monty9
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Trini

Trini

(edited)

... You develop a wicked muppet rash. No one really cleans those things.

 

If I were the last person on earth, I'd gather a bunch of couture, dress up, and have my own red carpet fashion show at the Dolby theater.

Edited by Trini
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MarkHB

MarkHB

(Honestly, I'm not sure we'll ever be able to top "I would run a pickup truck in reverse, slam on the brakes, and hurl a bunch of bowling balls into a pyramid of aquariums." :D )

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paulvdb

paulvdb

... Unfortunately, the rich people's guard dogs are still alive and attack you.

Considering the subject matter of this site, I'm surprised that I'm the first person to post this: if I were the last person on earth I'd find a battery-operated tv and dvd-player and finally watch all those movies and tv-series that I always wanted to check out, but never had the time to watch.

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MarkHB

MarkHB

... except you find yourself consumed with frustration and despair because there is no one left with whom to share your hatred of [Laurel Lance|Blaine Anderson|Christopher Ewing|pick 'em].

 

If I were the last person on earth, I would get a bunch of old CRT televisions, lie them on their backs on the sidewalk in New York, and drop watermelons on them from the Empire State Bullding observation deck.

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morgankobi

morgankobi

...unfortunately you pull a tendon on your very first trip up all the stairs it takes to get to the observation deck and have to live the rest of your life on the 42nd floor.

  (or...paulvdb pops up out of nowhere and beats you up for taking his/her battery operated tv!)

 

If I were the last person on earth, I would perform my very own one-person show on an actual Broadway stage.

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Trini

Trini

... You are incinerated when you miscalculate the fuel-to-air ratios. Oops.

 

If I were the last person on earth, I'd find the fastest car, and the straightest highway, and push that baby to the limit!

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formerlyfreedom

formerlyfreedom

...then the engine blows up, and you're a fiery mess on the straightest highway...

 

If I were the last person on earth, I'd find all the generators I could and bring them together so I could still watch my favorite shows. Also, make old fashioned popcorn.

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DittyDotDot

DittyDotDot

...Aw man, you overload the circuit and blow up your TV. Just when you were getting to end of Lost and thought you'd get some answers too!

 

If I were the last woman on earth, I'd go to the beach to build giant sand castles in the nude.

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henripootel

henripootel

 ... until you build one too tall and it collapses, pinning you underneath.  Night falls and the sand weasels come ...

 

If I were the last man on earth, I'd sneak into area 51 and see what all the fuss was about.  Probably just get contaminated with industrial waste but at least I'd know for sure.

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Trini

Trini

(Honestly, I'm not sure we'll ever be able to top "I would run a pickup truck in reverse, slam on the brakes, and hurl a bunch of bowling balls into a pyramid of aquariums." :D )

(Or top 'use a flamethrower to make popcorn and scorch wigs for my bachelor party'.)

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Trini

Trini

If I were the last man on earth, I'd sneak into area 51 and see what all the fuss was about.  Probably just get contaminated with industrial waste but at least I'd know for sure.

 

Sorry, you get infected by an alien virus that turns you into a lizard-person.

 

If I were the last person on earth, I'd make a kiddie pool of popcorn, and watch my favorite movies in IMAX.

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BoogieBurns

BoogieBurns

But the kiddie pool wasn't dry, so now you are sitting in a tub of soggy popcorn. Also, you don't have the special glasses to watch the movie, so you get a migraine that makes you temporarily blind.

 

If I were the last person on Earth I would read every book in the biggest Yale library and pretend I'm Rory Gilmore.

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DittyDotDot

DittyDotDot

(edited)

...Darn, one of the shelves topples over and kills you with books.

 

If I were the last person on Earth I would build a tree fort so I could play Tarzan and swing from the trees.

Edited by DittyDotDot
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Trini

Trini

Oh no, while swinging, you accidentally get tangled up in vines and attacked by rabid monkeys.

 

 

If I were the last person on earth, I'd paint a giant Monopoly board on the runways of an airport, so I could play with real cars as the tokens.

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henripootel

henripootel

If I were the last person on earth, I'd paint a giant Monopoly board on the runways of an airport, so I could play with real cars as the tokens.

You'd laughingly get into the 'jail' (having made sure it couldn't accidentally lock) when your 'game piece' rolls forward and pins the door closed.  You do not pass Go, you do not collect 200 dollars. 

 

If I was the last man on earth, I'd scour the earth for that weird mansion where they film the Victoria's Secret ads.  Hey, some of them might have survived, and they might still be lounging around.

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DittyDotDot

DittyDotDot

Man, you just can't catch a break, can you? One of the models is indeed lounging around there, but sadly she's been infected with the zombie virus and does what any self respecting zombie does...snacks on your brain.

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd climb up a very large mountain just to get my yodel on.

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henripootel

henripootel

After days on your throne, you and it solidify into a inescapable sticky mass.  You try the 'like a good neighbor ...' jingle but this only summons your insurance guy's dried bones.  The ants eventually leave you looking like Nazgûl dressed in candy wrappers.

 

If I were the last man on earth, I'd travel around in a groovy van solving mysteries with a semi-articulate dog.  At least I could be sure any ghosts I encountered were probably real.

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DittyDotDot

DittyDotDot

(edited)

...you run out of gas (and water) in the middle of the desert--now you're the ghost!

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd travel to the North Pole in search of Santa's Workshop, maybe build a snowman along the way for company.

Edited by DittyDotDot
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Trini

Trini

...Miraculously, you make it to the the Arctic Circle, but the last polar bear on earth has a taste for human.

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd make the world brighter by painting various drab buildings in neon colors and glow-in-the-dark paint!

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paulvdb

paulvdb

... Unfortunately you don't take the necessary safety measures and fall from the top of your ladder.

If I was the last person on earth I'd collect all the Lego bricks and build life-size models of famous landmarks.

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DittyDotDot

DittyDotDot

...Doh, one of the Legos falls from the top of the Empire State Building and...well, I think you get the picture knowing how tall the Empire State Building is.

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd break into the Pentagon file room just to see what all the fuss was about.

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Trini

Trini

Uh-oh. You get trapped in the facility when your search for certain Presidential scandals triggers a lockdown.

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd make a raging bonfire out of all those magazines I hated.

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DittyDotDot

DittyDotDot

Unfortunately you stand too close to the fire while roasting marshmallows; ashes to ashes...

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd take a road trip to visit all those roadside attractions I refused to stop previously due to crowds. World's largest ball of twine anyone?

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MarkHB

MarkHB

With the earth depopulated, mysterious forces have come to the surface, and as you approach Tucson, The Thing comes to life and eats your head.

 

If I were the last person on earth, I would walk from Portugal to Shanghai.

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elzin

elzin

Whoops. What with those cataclysmic volcano eruptions and tsunamis and earthquakes, you can't there from here and you drown trying to traverse a river that wasn't there pre-apocalypse.

 

I would go to the houses/offices of my favorite writers and read all their unpublished stuff.  GRRM and JK Rowling ain't holding out on me any more.

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Trini

Trini

Aww, too bad you come across the greatest novel of all time -- and it has no conclusion since the author died before finishing. You go insane from lack of closure.

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd fill an Olympic size pool with paper currency and swim in it, Scrooge McDuck-style.

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DittyDotDot

DittyDotDot

(edited)

Natch! Those bills were too newly printed and you die a death of a thousand paper cuts.

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd do all the things my mother told me I couldn't do when I was a kid: elbows on the table; talk with my mouth full; and go to school without any underpants on.

Edited by DittyDotDot
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LADreamr

LADreamr

(edited)

But while talking with your mouth full, you choke, and with your elbows on the table, find that you are not in ideal self-Heimlich-ing stance. Your last words are, "Oh, this is why..."

If I were the last woman on Earth, I would finish my novel, then buy it from myself, ensuring my book the number one spot on the New York Times Bestseller List.

Edited by LADreamr
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DittyDotDot

DittyDotDot

...While on you book tour, you trip and fall on the fountain pen you picked out special for your personal book signing, which stabbed you in the eye and then in the brain. Ouch!

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd finally have the time to work my way through my 10,000-Pies recipe book...a pie a day keeps the gloomies away!

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azathoth

azathoth

... but you'd throw out your back toting all that heavy granite around and you'd wind up yelling "I've fallen and I can't get up!" with no one to hear you. Except the coyotes.

 

I'd get a monster truck and do donuts in Michelle Obama's vegetable garden. Quit trying to make us eat turnips!

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Monty9

Monty9

(edited)

Your donuts make the turnips and other root vegetables bunch up in the truck axels, toppling over the truck. You crawl out of the truck, broken and bruised (Because you forgot that seat belts are indeed a good idea and not just a social niceity), just to have a parsnip fall from where it was jammed up in the wreckage and bop you on the head.

 

I would turn the Hollywood bowl into my own personal Karaoke club. Where the catalogues of Queen, Journey, and Beyonce would be performed, sometimes multiple times in a row.

Edited by Monty9
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Mulva

Mulva

(edited)

Unfortunately your voice gives out and when you see another survivor he/she can't hear you yelling for their attention and they leave.

If I were the last person on earth, I'd go to the Hershey factory and bathe in a vat of chocolate.

Edited by Mulva
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Trini

Trini

(edited)

Oh no, you fall asleep after a sugar crash and when you wake up, you are trapped in solid block of chocolatey goodness.

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd raid the sets and costumes of my favorite shows, and edit myself into the scenes.

Edited by Trini
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DittyDotDot

DittyDotDot

Unfortunately, some of those sets are very old and were painted with lead-based paints and the costumes...well, let's just say no one ever cleans that stuff. Breathing in all those toxins is a slow death, but death none-the-less.

 

If I were the last person on Earth, I'd go to the library and check out every book I could on cloning...maybe I'd be able to crack myself up on occasion.

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morgankobi

morgankobi

Hate to tell you, but even in the Apocalypse the NSA's computers are still watching what you check out from the library, and the library locks down with you and one of your clones inside. The copy of a copy of a copy clone. It's not so bright and causes both of your deaths when it crazily tries to check you both out of the library by stamping your heads with the "Due Date" stamp.

 

If I were the last person on earth, I'd roller skate through large mansions, such as The Biltmore. (Sorry it's a little lame, but it's an actual wish from 10-year-old me).

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Monty9

Monty9

You know what big mansions tend to have?  Large suits of armor holding spears or other similar paraphenalia. You know what vibrations strangely seem to make said armor fall apart like a Jenga stack? The vibrations from someone rollerskating through the hall. So whenever you attempt to rollerskate you have to dodge falling maces, lances, helmets etc.. The best case scenario is that you trip and go ass over teakettle. Worse case? You end up bisected by a particularly impressive axe.

 

[Note: Gravity Falls references. Which is an awesome show that Kristen does voices for that you should watch]

If I was in the cul de sac. I'd ask Carol to say the following phrases without explaining why. And then giggle to myself.

 

"Dipper!"

"Grunkle Stan!"

"Waaaddles" (said mournfully).

""Hi, I'm Mabel! I'm twelve and own a pig! Wanna get married?"

""I'm legalizing everything!"

(whispered) "Welcome to your dreams"

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Mulva

Mulva

(edited)

Carol says those words, everyone thinks she's snapped, and locks her in the conference room next to Melissa.

I'd go to the Smithsonian and try on all the first ladies dresses.

Edited by Mulva
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