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All About Unhappiness

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You're right, stewedsquash. She met with a counselor today who told her she needs to break from the non-sober crowd and she reiterated that point to me. She's attended meetings in the past couple of days. I'm happy for her, but trying to utilize the caution you recommended. 

Late to this party AltLivia, but I think the others have given you some very good suggestions when it comes to your friend.  I am glad she spoke with a counselor, but frequently it takes several tries for someone to sober up/manage an addiction.  Most of us would find it hard to break a habit if we surround ourselves with people who indulge to excess.  Take someone who is trying to lose weight or eat healthier - if they are eating all the time with people who indulge, it makes it that much harder to stick to their resolve.  And generally, eating is not going to be on par with the risks taken with alcohol or drugs.

 

As a parent with an adult autistic son (very high functioning now), I can relate to some of your parents concerns.  It takes a conscious and deliberate EFFORT on my part not to try to basically bubble wrap him from potential hurts.  But it is one that I have to make in order for him to continue to gain independence, or more than he has currently. 

 

Your parents identity is probably fused with being your caretaker.  As you've grown and become more capable, it sounds as if they have not yet caught up with where you are today as opposed to where you were1/3/5 years ago.  Is it possible to address some of these issues through a counselor or other resource?  It might be easier for them to hear it from a third party that it is important for your personal development to make more decisions on your own, but having them available as a resource for guidance when you need it.  And to let you make some mistakes, because we all do and that is part of how we learn.

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Delurker, thank you so much for your post. In very broad lines, my friend is indeed taking care of herself. She's seeing a therapist and reconnecting with her childhood passion, painting (parents thought there was no careeer to build from that, so as the good daughter she was she went on to study economics).  

 

She's very hyper nowdays that she's reconnecting to painting but at the same time I know she put a lot of herself this marriage and whereas she's happy when she's outside she finds it though to face her "husband" - she held his hand through AA 10 years ago and have just discovered he's been hooking up with womem he met on dating sites fot the past 5 years. She's such a perfectionist that she still things she is somehio flawed. And her husband has been diagnosed as a sex addict. And I doubt he could have met anyone much better looking than her, because she is absolutely gorgeous. But now she has it in her mind that she is not a enough as a woman and can only live for her art and kid (she wanted more than one, but with her husband drinking like tomorrow would be dry, and her scepticism about the future once he got sober, she never dared have another one, and it seems to be a big regret to her now).

 

I hope she'll be ok for my giving this broad details - at this stage if anyone has been though that either directly or indirectly, I'll take any advice, not only do I feel for her but I also feel that, if he could happen to HER, it could happen to me or any one of us [once again she's extremely gorgeous, smart, and devoted to her family to the point of being able to convince her employers tonlet her work part time working from home]. I've always thought her husband was a peach and totally smiten with her [ok, now I hear otherwise] but why should he even look elsewhere when he had a gorgeous and loving lady at home (and please spare me the "she might not be into sex", I was privvy to enough stories during our uni. days that I can buy that).   

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Maybe you could also find a friend who isn't so needy. Find a light hearted friend who will boost you up instead of bringing chaos.

I'm in therapy and brought up that idea, actually. I just need to talk and interact with others. Believe it or not, from age 5-14, I was the most outgoing kid you could ever meet. On student council, did all the things. High school really did a number on me, emotionally. College, too.

 

 

Forgot to mention that your sense of humor cracked me up. Have you watched My Big Fat Fabulous Life? She is living with her parents and dealing with a medical thing.

Loved that show! Love her. We actually have similar personalities (save for all the trendy 'tween-speak). Even some of the slang I chalk up to just being lighthearted re: life. Even if no one else is laughing at your jokes, you have to amuse yourself. 

 

 

As a parent with an adult autistic son (very high functioning now), I can relate to some of your parents concerns.  It takes a conscious and deliberate EFFORT on my part not to try to basically bubble wrap him from potential hurts.  But it is one that I have to make in order for him to continue to gain independence, or more than he has currently.

DeLurker, allow me to subtly endorse all your parenting decisions. When I think about what my life would be if my parents had stepped back and been encouraging, rather than making me terrified of the world/made to feel less than, I just...wow. I think a lot of times, that I'm a cautionary tale in that respect. My parents picked my college and insisted I go there (close to home). Even though the campus was not handicapped accessible, and the program for my major was woefully lacking. I applied to other places and while my grades were exemplary, there was nothing but a blank on the extracurricular activity front.  My dad loves to tell me he was "just humoring me," by "letting" me apply to those other universities. When I told him I wanted to live independently, he said "Well, I wanted to be an Olympic skier. We don't all get what we want." I was training for something and my father trailed after me and demeaned me in front of my supervising instructor. So much that the instructor nearly called him on it. My parents have demeaned me in front of college professors, friends and strangers. The treatment escalates every time I try to be independent. I'm in therapy now, which means I'm talking to someone other than my mother. It's ratcheting up several levels.

 

I asked her to take me to my first job interview after college (years ago). She deliberately missed the time and then huffed that "she didn't think that I was ready" in the broadest sense. Like my readiness for anything is best calibrated by an opinion. She also enlisted my able-bodied younger sibling, who agreed. My family is....a whole deal. Smothering in the worst sense, and that's not even the half of it. Mom refused to take me to another job interview recently and gave the world's thinnest, weirdest excuses. When I argued, she kept going until nothing she said made any actual sense.

 

I begged my therapist not to talk to my parents. It won't really make an impact and will make it worse for me, in the long run. I've been coming up against them for years. Others have indicated to them that their treatment is detrimental. I get the backlash, and nothing changes.

Edited by AltLivia
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stewedsquash - When I responded, I did not realize that a sex addiction was part of the equation and that would revise my stance.  I've never known anyone who claimed to have one, but because of just the basic health risks of being with someone who is not monogamous (for whatever reason) I wouldn't throw it into the same basket as an alcohol or drug addiction. 

 

I wouldn't interpret your recent posts as harsh - just pragmatic.  I was that person once - in fact, years ago one of my best guy friends said he felt sorry for guys who got shot down by me because I was just so indifferent to them.  But then I met my ex and a lifetime of rules and habits went out the window.  Knowing what you should do and being able to do it was never a problem for me, except with that one person.  And getting out took more strength and resolve than I thought possible - even knowing with 1000% certainty that it was the right thing to do.

 

ETA: 

A quote I just found by Maya Angelou:  “To develop courage you have to start developing courage as you do any other muscle. You have to start with small things and build it up.” — From a lecture in Rome, Ga., September 2007.

Edited by DeLurker

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Yeah...I have a personal problem with sex addiction. I don't think I know everything about it. But...I'm much more sympathetic to someone who feels compulsions and masturbates over someone who meets strangers for sex behind/or attempting to be behind their partners' back. I'm not trying to slut shame....it's the lying and putting people in danger. I think sex, like eating, will always be emotionally charged when discussing it. It's very, very hard to look at things objectively, I think, especially when it's someone you love.

For instance, I never had a problem with people watching porn. Never gave it much thought. However....walking in on a loved one doing it while refusing to be intimate with you...is hurtful. Its not that everyone who watches porn does that. It's just something I now always have come to mind when porn or cheating is mentioned. The two are just linked for me now when before they weren't.

Anyway, my point is, I get what you mean. I'm very empathic- I think. But, the real truth deep down of what I actually think when it comes to what I'll be doing and expect from my family don't always match what I can "understand" others unrelated to me do.

On a quick note, I'm happy bc im going to Disney World at the end of the month. I've been many times but first time alone and first time pregnant. I'm excited but reading up on that.

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I'm not sure if this is the proper place for this but I need some advice.

My son will turn 30 this year. He and his first love broke up a long, long time ago but she's still close to our family. Her mom isn't the best mom and she's always called me mom and come to me for help and advice.

She had a lot of medical problems that resulted in her using a colostomy bag. This has really messed with her self esteem and she said she was worried that no man would ever want her.

This girl is the sweetest, kindest, most loving, caring giving person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She doesn't know a stranger. After being around her for 5 minutes you feel like she's your best friend.

She did meet a guy. Now she's being emotionally and physically abused. I saw her once with a bruise on her nose and 2 black eyes...this asshole bit her on the nose so hard it blackened both of her eyes. Another time she caught him with a prostitute and he beat her up, she left the house and 3 days later she was begging him to take her back.

He also steals from her. Hes maxed out all of her credit cards and has sold or pawned everything she owns.

It breaks my heart to see her now. The once beautiful girl goes days without showering and wears the same clothes for days at a time. She's no longer the sweet happy out going girl she used to be. She's now withdrawn, snappy and judgmental. Her personality has done a complete 180. The sweet girl is still in there but she's getting farther and farther away.

I have begged her to leave him, I've offered her a free place to live until she can get back on her feet. All she says is that its ok, he's getting help for his anger issues and she's fine.

I don't know what to do to help her. All I can do is just keep reminding her how many people love her and that we're all here to help her.

I was in an abusive relationship, I know how hard it is to leave. They break you down until you believe that nobody loves you except them. I used to tell her about my abusive past and she would tell me how strong I am and that she would never let a man hurt her.

I just don't know how to help her.

Edited by Maharincess
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Are you able, when you are better, to invite her to do something out of doors, like a picnic? The sun/vitamin D can really help things sometimes feel more positive even if the situation is the same. I don't know if that's something you two could enjoy together, but it might help to do an activity like this every week or two- try to have a schedule with it.

I know that's very mild advice. I wish I had the answers to the bigger picture. I'm sure she knows and values your support or will one day if her mind now is focused on the problems at hand.

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I live in the hills so we are always doing something outside. I've invited her over, I see her a couple of times a month. She's the first one who visited me in the hospital.

The problem is that she won't listen. Like I said above any time I mention that she isn't being treated well she'll say she knows he has an anger problem and he's getting help. Then she starts the excuses that he had a bad childhood etc etc.

I know this isn't a solution and I'd never do it but I just want to shake her until I can get her to acknowledge what's happening to her. She knows I've been there and she knows that I know what's going on.

With her colostomy bag she was convinced that she would never have another relationship again so she latched onto the first guy who came along. He saw her vulnerability and pounced on her.

She's 31 and I've known her since she was 16. Her home life was really bad and she basically lived at my house the entire time she and my son were dating. She's my kid. She even rented a room from us after we became empty nesters before we moved to the country.

Thank you so much for responding to me. I'm at a loss. I just keep telling her that I love her and I'm always here for her. I don't know what else to do. I've gotten into the habit of texting good morning to her every day just so I know she's ok.

Edited by Maharincess

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That is frustrating and sad/upsetting. I'm sure there's fear when you text her and wait for a response.

It seems like a situation where you feel compelled to speak up and do something, and it's hard when the person doesn't listen or take action, too.

I've had everyone from acquaintances to the police tell me to stay away from my dad. I don't listen. I mean, he left me, but, it wasn't my choice. It felt like the life was ripped out of my soul the night he didn't come back. So, I don't know.

Edited by Betweenyouandme

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Maharincess - I am so sorry for this young woman, but she is very fortunate to have such a caring person such as yourself in her life.  I think the fact that she is not withdrawing from you or hiding what is going on is a very positive sign.  She knows she has someone on her side and her abuser has not yet been able to cut that tie.  She may not be strong enough to extract herself from the relationship yet, but hopefully she will be soon.

 

What really made a difference for me, was thinking about what my children were being exposed to.  How horrified and just devastated I would be if my son ever acted towards anyone like my husband acted towards me.  How, without question or doubt, I knew it would be wrong for someone to treat my daughter like my husband treated me.  When it was just me or wasn't so bad, I could justify staying and thinking/believing/hoping that things would improve.  When it started to get worst - when the emotional abuse turned into physical - I knew I had to get out for my children. 

 

The totally f-ed up thing is when it was at it's all time worst, I was worried about him and how broken he must be to do all these terrible things.

 

I'd start by getting her some reading material about abuse and the common signs of an abusive personality, especially about isolating the victim from support.  Usually when you are in the middle of it, it all seems so personal and you-specific.  And a lot of us have presumptions about what an abuser looks like and what a victim looks like.  They didn't look like me and they didn't look like my husband.  But then I found out that abusers and victims cut across every demographic of society - race, religion, income levels, politics, age, ...it was seriously eye opening.

 

The one thing I wish someone had talked to me about before it all went up in flames was how to plan and prepare an emergency exit strategy.  Stashing money, a spare set of keys (because my ex took my keys from me), important documents, essential medicine, etc...just in case I ever needed it.  Even stuff like learning I should always park my car facing out so if I have to leave in a hurry, there's no delay in backing up.

 

I'd consider calling her doctor and let them know what you suspect.  A doctor will have her total wellbeing in mind and doctors normally carry a great deal of influence over us.

 

You did not mention her having any, but perhaps talking about future children and what kind of environment she would want them raised in.

 

If she says he is getting help, talk to her about the specifics of this "help".  Is he seeing a therapist?  Is he taking medication?    Get her to be concrete about what he is doing to get "help" and discuss if she feels it is working.  Ask her to keep track of the frequency and severity of his outbursts.  If she starts seeing the "data" it might move her past thinking of these as isolated incidents.

 

If she'll allow you, take pictures that you can keep so that if she ever needs them they will show the pattern of abuse.

 

I understand your frustration with her and I know you know she is in a fragile state.  Share your outrage here, so you can continue to be that person she sees as her safe zone.

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Hi, how is everyone?

Baby update- I had a great prenatal appt today. I'm 15.5 weeks, measuring 16cm fundal height (uterus growing on track), heartbeat strong, and movement detected.

The next appt will be the first ultrasound (sex and checking for a healthy baby) and blood work for Down's syndrome. That's in 2 weeks.

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BYaM - I think we need another thread.  Posting about the baby in Unhappiness seems wrong since you seem quite positive despite finding out some of the pros and cons of pregnanc.

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Due to some tricky times on the job, I'm having to talk myself into getting out of bed some days.  Today I decided to put a little check mark on my desk calendar every time I experience something positive.  I've got three checks so far.

 

I think it's best I don't enumerate the negative stuff...

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Urghgggh!!!!

I can't stop being upset about something that happened today. I know I'm overreacting. But, I just keep tearing up.

As I've said, I have been dealing, but getting better, with social anxiety. I've been going to a new Sunday School class a few times now. Today before class, a few ppl were talking about how annoyed they were with a new toll road that's being built. (It's adding two additional lanes that will be toll. The main highway is exactly the same).

They kept on about it and finally one woman said, "why are they making it a toll, seriously?" So, I piped in and said, "they had to get a loan to build the extra lanes." They all just stared at me, so I said, "they couldn't afford it otherwise."

The one lady put her hand up at me and replied, "we're not getting into politics here" and the other women agreed, "no, no, we're not going there."

Did I miss something? Is what I said so inappropriate I need a hand in my face and be scolded like a child?

It's really bugging me. I need to just get over it, and I will. Just utghgvhgggrbj! it really made me feel unwelcome. I have no tough skin :/

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I'd say something, but there's really nothing to add to what stewedsquash said -- you pretty much hit the bullseye.

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Thank you. Really. It helps me not feel so alone. I'm bad about dwelling on things like this, worrying.

I'm writing "go over it in your mind and then shoo it away" on my chalkboard. I love that!

Edited by Betweenyouandme

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I'm so glad you're not lonely feeling, stewedsquash. I am lonely, but I also am an introvert. I tire quickly of arguments, etc., though, so I don't want to interact with people just for the sake of interacting. It's more that I wish I had a best friend or a soul mate. And, then it's also hard when I have a birthday or something important happen and no one around me really cares.

Well, it is hard not to dwell on things. I think also because I don't have much social interaction, if one day I have a rough go of it, then I might not have any positive social interactions to make up for it that week or longer. It's harder to let go when your one outing of the week made you cry. I don't know if you express things that upset you in other ways in addition to dwelling on them. The talk radio idea is good. I think that's one reason I prefer reality TV to a lot of scripted. I can analyze real people from a distance.

I often think I'd be very happy if life would just let me be like Bilbo Baggins at the beginning of the Hobbit or like the little Mole in the toad children stories. Wind in the Willows, is it?

Thank you for asking about the baby. :) I had an ultrasound last week. It's a boy. He looks perfectly healthy. I have a large cyst (chocolate/endometrial) but hopefully it won't cause problems. I'm just waiting about that and the Down syndrome/trisonomy blood screening results. My dad is very happy, and he actually came to the ultrasound. The baby is kicking and moving all around. (Sorry if that's too much info)

Edited by Betweenyouandme

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I think part of it for me, too, is that I miss my dad so much. I can tolerate my sadness much more when he's around. My attachment to him is abnormal, but I think a huge part of that is because he wasn't around when I was young. We reconnected when I was older, and I just light up when he's around. I grin like an idiot. He's the funniest person I've ever met. His highs are so high, his dreams are so big, his anger is so palatable, and his struggles are so gripping.

I've never met a living soul who touches my heart like he does. But, he disappears for months on end, and I have no idea what he does except go to work.

And, I'm just missing him. We're so intertwined, and he can't handle it after a while.

I'm rambling again. I just needed to say that.

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Recently I've found out that whenever I encounter something difficult to swallow I write about it and afterwards I feel very powerful and in charge. Now I started writing stories when I was 8 or so, always wanted to be a writer, but my parents said it wouldn't pay the bills, yadda, yadda, ended up in investment banking, yadda, yadda, working from home as a translator while seeing my child grow and being there for him after school. Note that I stopped writing at 30, after Significant Other found writings of mine, which he found "exquisitely written" but with content he couldn't cope with. After years of paying attentions to his needs first, I'm back to thinking about mine first, and writing is such a joyful experience for me. Others might have the same experience with drawing, sculpting, singing, running, playing their fav musical instruments, or what have you. You just have to find what works for you and it will be HEAVEN, I promise. A friend in AA seems to get somewhere close by working on his resentment list - he doesn't get the "high" I get with a well written piece, but he's able to let it go by putting it to paper.  

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Don't worry about too much information. It is an exciting time for you. Oh a boy. I have boys and I loved being a boy mama. I don't think I would have made a good girl mama. But I think I am good mother-in-law material. Haha. My problem is I have mother issues so I didn't want to inflict a mother issue on a daughter. Ha again. Have you felt the baby move yet? When you get further along you can do the 3-D sonogram. Which is strange to me. The sonogram that is. You can see the exact face. I knew that my granddaughter had her mother's mouth before she was born. They only did one sonogram when I had my kids and it just looked like light and dark grey stuff.

Neat. Yes, I'm happy with a boy. I always wanted a boy. I have worries now I didn't have before, but there are books about single mothers raising boys. It's probably better in the long run I'm not having a girl. I wouldn't really want her to be like me. I'll still have to work on that with a boy.

I don't think I'm going to do the 3D sonogram bc my dad and doctor don't like them, and I'd have to have a doctor's approval. It is interesting though. Even with the regular one, I think he has a big nose and large feet. I think it's very cute!

He has a few episodes of moving a lot every day now. I can see his kicks even if I stare when he's moving around. It's really weird but amazing.

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I wish I would follow my own advice more often, I also dwell on things and it blocks me in my everyday life. I work hard on not dwelling. It does feel better when you can forget to worry or let your thoughts wander. I understand you saying it helps not to feel alone when someone understands. I remember how I thought Wow, someone else's mind races at night? when I heard someone say it. I have had a few episodes of mind racing and I thought I was the only one who couldn't stop it and go to sleep. It doesn't happen often. I think it is human nature to think nobody else has the same thoughts or feelings. 

 

I am not a sad sack or anything but I think my stuff comes from being an introvert. I love to read and audio books are fun in the car and listening to people talking on the radio is relaxing to me when I take a drive... [sNIP]... Yet I live with extroverts. So I feel overwhelmed when I have to actually be involved for long periods. It's not that I have to have "me" time in a selfish way, I just feel refreshed when I don't interact, and antsy when I know I have to have a whole day of being involved with other people.  My family knows this about me but I don't think they understand it. But I also don't understand their need to have people around all the time either so it goes both ways. I like to be alone, but I am not lonely. 

When the mind is racing or just having thoughts that you can't let go (but want to), I would try doing something physical that tires you out.  While you're involved in the activity, you get pre-occuppied to rehash the situation and when you are done, cleaned up, etc...you are too physically tired.  The level of exercise varies from person to person but as someone who has physical disabilites (balance and stability issues, loss of fine motor control on my right hand/side (formerly dominant side), nerve damage) I've had to adjust what I do.

 

Interactions - have you ever considered that the role of introvert may have been thrust upon you at times?  I was always fairly social, but never the center of attention nor would I have been comfortable in that spot.  When I met my ex and eventually his family, I realized that my "role" in their family dynamic was audience.  This applied to most people who married into the family but also to my brother-in-law (the ex's brother).  The ex's family was filled with such HUGE personalities that watching a family get together was a drama filled production.  The good times were great and the bad times were hellish. 

 

That concept is probably not very well explained, so sorry if that is the case.

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Motherhood is a strange adventure. I decided to go for it, while not being the "baby-crazy" kind, got pregnant right away, was nervous as hell before giving birth but very curious at the end of this pregnancy to meet that little person who had given me the strenght to shine at meetings I was nervous about (new management team), had slept quietly when I was wide awake, active and having fun, and had manifested himself most actively when I was tired and ready to sleep.

 

And when I saw that little person for the first time, it was with curiosity - what will he be like - but there was also this overwhelming love I felt that I still can't explain and that caught me by surprise. I still didn't like babies much, so why was I feeling so much love and bonding to that one? It was both great and frustrating spending time with this baby of mine, I adored him but couldn't wait for him to fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinally sleep (he was 2 year old before he finally slept a full night). I used to think "man, when you'll be wanting to sleep in, I'll get you for all these sleepness nights", but of course nowadays I'm happy to let him sleep in if he has no  reason to get up. I couldn't wait for him to grow - walking, talking, all added to our interaction - although from the get go I talked to him expoecting he would undesrstand it all. No baby talk for me, it was more like (when he was less that one year old) "My darling, I'm off to Tokyo for a week, but you'll be be fine with so and so, and before you know it I'll be back". and somehow who are we to say they don't understand us? I've even found a way to work from home when he was 2 so that I coul be a part of his life (investment banking hours kind od ivercame toddler hours) . Now that he's 16 I'd like to slow time so as to get as much of him before he gets away. Because get away he should,  - it's what shaped me and made me the person I am today, and I want that for him. But even if I was not a "baby person" back then, it has been an amazing adventure getting to know him and helping him open his mind to so many endeavours.

 

And I just realize I'm posting in  the Unhapinness forum, whereas my experience with child has been unexpectedly a very happy one. On the unhappiness side, to bring it back to topic, life with the father of my child was not so rewarding, but ultimately that led me to reconnect with my true self, all for the better.     

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And I just realize I'm posting in  the Unhapinness forum, whereas my experience with child has been unexpectedly a very happy one. On the unhappiness side, to bring it back to topic, life with the father of my child was not so rewarding, but ultimately that led me to reconnect with my true self, all for the better.     

That's why I created the Family thread (The Good, The Bad and The Ugly).

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On ‎4‎/‎4‎/‎2015 at 1:35 PM, AltLivia said:

I'm in therapy and brought up that idea, actually. I just need to talk and interact with others. Believe it or not, from age 5-14, I was the most outgoing kid you could ever meet. On student council, did all the things. High school really did a number on me, emotionally. College, too.

 

Loved that show! Love her. We actually have similar personalities (save for all the trendy 'tween-speak). Even some of the slang I chalk up to just being lighthearted re: life. Even if no one else is laughing at your jokes, you have to amuse yourself. 

 

DeLurker, allow me to subtly endorse all your parenting decisions. When I think about what my life would be if my parents had stepped back and been encouraging, rather than making me terrified of the world/made to feel less than, I just...wow. I think a lot of times, that I'm a cautionary tale in that respect. My parents picked my college and insisted I go there (close to home). Even though the campus was not handicapped accessible, and the program for my major was woefully lacking. I applied to other places and while my grades were exemplary, there was nothing but a blank on the extracurricular activity front.  My dad loves to tell me he was "just humoring me," by "letting" me apply to those other universities. When I told him I wanted to live independently, he said "Well, I wanted to be an Olympic skier. We don't all get what we want." I was training for something and my father trailed after me and demeaned me in front of my supervising instructor. So much that the instructor nearly called him on it. My parents have demeaned me in front of college professors, friends and strangers. The treatment escalates every time I try to be independent. I'm in therapy now, which means I'm talking to someone other than my mother. It's ratcheting up several levels.

 

I asked her to take me to my first job interview after college (years ago). She deliberately missed the time and then huffed that "she didn't think that I was ready" in the broadest sense. Like my readiness for anything is best calibrated by an opinion. She also enlisted my able-bodied younger sibling, who agreed. My family is....a whole deal. Smothering in the worst sense, and that's not even the half of it. Mom refused to take me to another job interview recently and gave the world's thinnest, weirdest excuses. When I argued, she kept going until nothing she said made any actual sense.

 

I begged my therapist not to talk to my parents. It won't really make an impact and will make it worse for me, in the long run. I've been coming up against them for years. Others have indicated to them that their treatment is detrimental. I get the backlash, and nothing changes.

Oh dear god. I feel you.

Your therapist shouldnt be saying jack squat to your parents. You should not have to beg. That is not even legal unless I'm crazy and misinformed.

Sorry. I am late to this thread and catching up.

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As I read through the sad stories of Chester Bennington and remembering Chris Cornell, I want just shout to the world to please understand that depression is a disease and it's horrible. Instead I will just post what a far more eloquent person named Amy Ferris wrote about it:

This is what I know
Post coffee
pre wine

A famous glittering rockstar, and an acquaintance whose life was threadbare; living paycheck to paycheck.

The pain and suffering that people live with because of depression, because of mental health issues, is often unbearable. A weight no one wants to carry. And by unbearable I mean, dank and dark and lonely and oh, so scary. Depression does not discriminate. It doesn't walk up and down a line picking & choosing the shabby ones, the overweight ones, the skinny scrawny ones; the ones who look troubled, messy; less fortunate. The talented, the wealthy, the fortunate, the brilliant, the complicated, the sexy as all get out, the geniuses, the magic makers all get picked. Depression grabs hold of you, and shakes you, shimmies you, to your core. And it's not just deep sadness that takes a human life and guts it; there are so many roads and avenues and back alleys that lead to a sadness that is unbearable, indigo blue. The weight of financial devastation, the horror and fear of a job or two lost, the untimely death of a child or friend or spouse; an illness that is incurable and taking its toll, the weight of being bullied and harassed for being different, the horrors of a secret kept and buried that eats away at you night and day; the suffering of a mind unable to settle down. 

For many who choose to die by suicide can no longer live, or survive, in their own skin. They can no longer fight the demons that have moved into their body and brain. They can no longer keep that pain at bay. If we were able to compare depression, severe depression to a familiar disease - say, being diagnosed with cancer - it would make more sense. It's a disease. Depression. It's a disease. 

And I for one, am tired of hearing it is a selfish act. That is a judgement I refuse to make. The bravery and courage that so many people live with up until that last moment when they no longer can live one more moment should not be diminished or disgraced or disgarded. It shouldn't be tossed away, replaced with another version, a version less brave, of who they were, who they wanted to be. They were always brave. Always courageous. Always fearful. Always scared. Always lonely. Always in pain. Always battling. Always fighting through the muck. For those of us who know how to manage that overgrown maze we try as best we can to give ourselves some comfort, and self-care; for those of us who know how to walk the emotional minefields, for those of us who manage through meds and hands held and shoulders offered, for those of us who have a support system - we can get through the days, and yes, some just barely. Just barely. But for those whose shame outweighs seeking help, for those whose guilt outweighs picking up a phone, for those whose fears and anxiety go toe to toe with the desire to be out in the world, for those who run to keep from hiding (oh, thank you Gregg Allman) often run until they are out of breath, and can no longer stand, and no longer want to.

I long for the world to be more compassionate. 

To be kinder. 
To love better. 

We often tell folks we know how they feel, that, yes, we've been there; but life is so very hard, so fucking hard and so very brutal at times, filled with bitter and cruel, and often excruciatingly difficult to navigate. 

Especially, most especially, in the dark.

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Have been having a hard time of things lately, unfortunately. I'm legally blind (was born with cataracts, and while I got them removed, they still took 90% of my sight), and suffer from micropthalmia, nystagmus, and glaucoma, which one day will likely take what little sight I have.  This year I got a guide dog, and while he's been awesome, helping my independence and mobility, he's also quite expensive, and the combination of his and my medical costs has been really hard. As an Australian, I'm on the NDIS (National Disability Insurance Scheme), which sounded like it was going to be ideal, but unfortunately in practice has been really lacking. I was recently put "between plans" which means that I won't be receiving any assistance at all over the holidays.  Its especially bad as everything is so expensive, from medical needs to technology (computer programmes for the blind are expensive as hell, we're not the biggest audience so they just charge heaps.) I actually started a fundraising campaign a few months back to try and help, but most of it has already gone on my costs. Just feels really bad, especially as I've always loved Xmas and helping others, and I just feel pathetic needing help myself. It would mean the world to me if anyone could assist, but at the same time, I can't wait until I'm no longer in a situation where I'm in need.

On a lighter note, Victory is a trooper, he's still in the holiday spirit:

LpKI6YY.jpg

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Welcome to the forums, @BlindMan94. I wish it were under happier circumstances. I don't know why I'm surprised that Australia's health coverage has its issues too but typical American, I just assume we're the greatest even when it comes to being unhappy about our care!

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blindman94, hello.  I wonder if you would qualify for any assistance with costs for your service dog?  Maybe a humane society or local shelter or rescue group would have funds set aside just for this?  I wish you the best.  BTW Victory is gorgeous. 

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20 minutes ago, raven said:

What's on your mind @Bookish Jen?  Welcome. 

Hi Raven. I've dealt with depression, anxiety and PTSD for years and was just wondering if this thread is good place for support and counsel. I actually belonged to a support group where we met in person. But it no longer works for me. I thought online support might be the way to go.

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Welcome @Bookish Jen! The folks in this Everything Else forum area have been the kindest, most non-judgemental folks and have helped me work through some of my issues surrounding my depression. Feel free to share what ever you feel comfortable sharing.

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15 minutes ago, AgentRXS said:

Welcome @Bookish Jen! The folks in this Everything Else forum area have been the kindest, most non-judgemental folks and have helped me work through some of my issues surrounding my depression. Feel free to share what ever you feel comfortable sharing.

Thank you. It may take me a bit to share my story and my struggles for I am very private person and an introvert. But I've had a really tough week where I've been consumed not only my mental health issues but with feelings of paranoia, grief and feeling overwhelmed.

Plus, I've been physically sick this week and am dealing all kinds of frustrating setbacks that seem almost too much for me to take.

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1 minute ago, Bookish Jen said:

Thank you. It may take me a bit to share my story and my struggles for I am very private person and an introvert. But I've had a really tough week where I've been consumed not only my mental health issues but with feelings of paranoia, grief and feeling overwhelmed.

Plus, I've been physically sick this week and am dealing all kinds of frustrating setbacks that seem almost too much for me to take.

Believe me, I know exactly what you mean. It took me awhile to open up myself. I can relate to the physical illness putting that extra strain on your mental health. I almost had a breakdown a few weeks ago due to persistent back pain.

If you feel more comfortable with one-on-one-conversations, I'm available via PM as well. :)

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46 minutes ago, AgentRXS said:

Believe me, I know exactly what you mean. It took me awhile to open up myself. I can relate to the physical illness putting that extra strain on your mental health. I almost had a breakdown a few weeks ago due to persistent back pain.

If you feel more comfortable with one-on-one-conversations, I'm available via PM as well. :)

Thank you for your kind outreach. I will keep it in mind. But now it's time to slow down and prepare for bed.

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I had a lovely chat with depression this evening. Sometimes I talk to the person. Sometimes I talk to the disease. Today was the latter. 

It reared it’s head as anger today. When it went too far directed at a child, I stopped that shit. 

Once child was removed, I heard from anger, but I stopped that shit again. Then I got to see full blown sad, depressed, hopeless, just wants to sleep in peace, have it all just stop. 

There is no rational thinking when it has its grip. Just emotion. All negative. 

It is horrific.

I wish all of you who deal with it the strength to get whatever help you can. I can’t even convince mine to go talk to someone. Ugh. 

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