Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[iwantcookies]

2 hours ago, Jeanne222 said:

@sixlets Life is so very fragile.  I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious one. 
 

Sometimes  it’s older ones ready to go and other times we are shocked when somebody young leaves us. 
 

I asked earlier in the week about our absent daughter and what to do. Her birthday is today. 
Such a happy time so many years ago. 
 

Thank you for the helpful, kind responses. 
 

I sent her a Happy Birthday text early this morning.   No response but I did the best I could do under the circumstances. 
 

Relationships are certainly challenging!

I can’t imagine having living parents and ignoring them. I’m so sorry. 

[Absolom]

I know life takes such turns and I can't imagine staying on bad terms with my last remaining parent of four.  I got a call at lunch time that my mother was in the ambulance on her way to the ER.  She's OK with "just" an infection and is back in her facility with antibiotics on order.  I never know which ER trip may be "the one."  

[doodlebug]

Sixlets, I'm so sorry to hear of your sweet Millie's death.  Our pets give us so much and ask for so little.

I had forgotten about this song, but just heard it on the country music award show tonight.  It's a fitting tribute to the love our pets give us.  If you've never heard it, you might want to grab a kleenex first.  It's about a dog, but that's irrelevant

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ3J9YnXmUI

It probably doesn't help that I've got a Maggie who is getting older.

[Westiepeach]

Just now, doodlebug said:

Sixlets, I'm so sorry to hear of your sweet Millie's death.  Our pets give us so much and ask for so little.

I had forgotten about this song, but just heard it on the country music award show tonight.  It's a fitting tribute to the love our pets give us.  If you've never heard it, you might want to grab a kleenex first.  It's about a dog, but that's irrelevant

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ3J9YnXmUI

It probably doesn't help that I've got a Maggie who is getting older.

I sobbed through that performance.

[doodlebug]

3 minutes ago, Westiepeach said:

I sobbed through that performance.

Reminds you of every darned cat or dog you've ever loved, doesn't it?

[DangerousMinds]

38 minutes ago, iwantcookies said:

I can’t imagine having living parents and ignoring them. I’m so sorry. 

Didn’t you say that your dad was alive?

[iwantcookies]

53 minutes ago, DangerousMinds said:

Didn’t you say that your dad was alive?

I do not know. I tried searching for him and found nothing. He IS dead to me because that was HIS choice. 

[QuinnInND]

3 hours ago, zoomama said:

i am confused (as usual). did you send her your email? how did she make contact with you? the last i heard, you were still debating responding. i think, as some have said above, truth is good , but in increments at a time. also as was mentioned above, it COULD be a game with the mother to see if you will tell the truth.  i think you need to go with your gut on this one. 

I finally sent her a letter when I was in Florida for spring break. I included an email I made for this purpose. She emailed me back.  

[emmawoodhouse]

8 minutes ago, not you again said:

I apologize for posting this here, but I'm not sure where else to post it - is not being able to open Instagram links here anymore a site update thing or an Instagram thing?  Thanks. 

I think it's Instagram. They are forcing people to have accounts, it appears.

[Love2dance]

So sorry for the loss of your sweet pet, @sixlets. May your beautiful memories console you. 

[SunnyBeBe]

Sixlets, I’m so sorry to read about the loss of your dear cat. I’m glad it was peaceful.  
 

I attended the outdoor concert this weekend.  It was very well organized, socially distanced and cold!  We had a drop in temp and even though I dressed in layers.....it was very cold after the sun went down.  
 

Does anyone know how to delete your notifications? I can’t locate the option to clear. Maybe, something associated with work on the site.   

[Boston]

On 4/10/2021 at 4:34 PM, MargeGunderson said:

@Boston, if your name is your location, we are in the same general area. I had luck scheduling at Walgreens in the middle of the afternoon (I had been trying late at night/early morning). I basically just checked throughout the afternoon. If you want to try that, be sure to sign up for a Walgreens account, because you will need one to schedule your appt.

Thank you @MargeGunderson.  It is now 4/19.  I had been on Walgreens, CVS, the local hospital sites in Lowell (that's where I live).  I kind of didn't want to drive to Boston if I didn't have to.  First I got an appt at Beth Israel/Lahey in Burlington - had to cancel that cause I had a 2 teeth removal the day before.  I FINALLY GOT AN APPT. in Lowell/LGH sponsored.  I get my first shot on this Friday!  Thank you for the info.

[QuinnInND]

Today is Mr InNds birthday. Made him a cake, as per tradition and his favorite breakfast this morning. Going to dinner with some friends (who have all had their vaccine) at our favorite restaurant. They gave him a little party at work. The kids are making him cards. His mom and brother called him this morning too. He's having a good day. We got him a new watch he's been eyeing. He'll be surprised. Hope everyone has had a good day. 

[Turquoise]

@sixlets I’m so sorry for your loss

@QuinnInND your husband and my son share a bday. 😊 
 

Good news a day late: we closed on our house today.

[jcbrown]

I'm so sorry for your loss, @sixlets.

[QuinnInND]

1 hour ago, Turquoise said:

@sixlets

@QuinnInND your husband and my son share a bday. 😊 
 

Good news a day late: we closed on our house today.

That's awesome! Happy birthday to your son! And congratulations on the new house!! ❤️

[SunnyBeBe]

Today would have been Luther Vandross’s 70th birthday.  Hard to believe.  Here’s my favorite song by him.

 

And to those where it’s legal, Happy 4/20 Day. 

[Mindthinkr]

Ok friends. I’m going to drop a bomb on you. I have been talking all along to Aldo even though I toned back the relationship. He called me yesterday to tell me he had the worst pain he has ever experienced in his leg and couldn’t move his foot. So after a slight argument (him not wanting to) I took him to the close by ED. They couldn’t detect a pulse in his foot and then did an ultrasound. They started him on Heparin (blood thinner) and transferred him to the bigger hospital in our town by ambulance. His hearing aids had died (battery) and he forgot to bring his chemo drugs (specially ordered) so I stopped by my house to get those 2 things and then high tailed it to the ED. I’m so glad I did not even stop to feed the kitties or have a drink of water. The minute I got there they were leaving to take him in for surgery. Blood clot in his artery. The MD was also inserting a catheter to drip a clot dissolving drug that would have to remain in for a day. So I stayed last night at the hospital until after I had spoken to the surgeon for a status report post surgery and then came home. He didn’t want me to tell his kids. I won that argument and his son drive in from SC and got into his house at midnight. His daughter/SIL will be in tonight. He is having his second surgery this afternoon at 4 to remove the catheter, do an angiogram and I suspect exchange the stent that clogged up for a new one or give him another bypass. Last night was the surgeon that was on call. Today it will be his regular vascular guy. Here comes one of the kickers. Yesterday he began construction to redo his 2 downstairs bathrooms. They have been torn out. So his family decided that when he comes home from the hospital that he should stay at my house in my en suite guest room. Also because I was a nurse and they feel he will be safer with me. He wouldn’t be able to do the 2 flights of stairs to use the bathroom post surg. So his son is going to sit with him at the SICU this morning while I ready my house for a crowd. His best friends are coming in from Charlotte area, but are staying in a hotel. The husband is a licensed contractor and will run the rest of the construction while his wife will support me with cooking, shopping and whatever for a few days. Talk about jumping back in with 2 feet. I wasn’t able to sleep much last night, but will get through this. I know y’all think he could hire a nurse, but again the stairs and no bathroom would be an issue for him so that they never considered that option. I will hang in as long as I can. I am very stressed at this point. There is so much more, but I don’t have the energy to write it out and also am scared of all of you not liking me because it felt so good when y’all were proud that I had broken away from him. I was for a bit, but got sucked back in. At least not as deeply. I’m sorry I let everyone down. 
@QuinnInND Happy Belated Birthday to your husband. 
@sixlets I’m very sorry about your kitty. They are family members and I send you condolences and purrs are being sent from the Mindthinkr kitties. 
@Boston I’m glad you have been able to schedule your vaccine. When you have both it really will give you peace of mind. 

[MargeGunderson]

@Mindthinkr, you are helping a friend in desperate need right now. The circumstances are different than the scenario that you previously described. It sounds like you were improving your relationship before this, pulling back a bit to a place you were more comfortable. That’s progress! You should be proud of that, and your willingness to step in to help when it is truly needed. 

[Jeeves]

22 minutes ago, MargeGunderson said:

@Mindthinkr, you are helping a friend in desperate need right now. The circumstances are different than the scenario that you previously described. It sounds like you were improving your relationship before this, pulling back a bit to a place you were more comfortable. That’s progress! You should be proud of that, and your willingness to step in to help when it is truly needed. 

I agree with that! 

It's a good sign that in this situation his family is showing up and helping. It doesn't seem that they are just checking in, dumping him at your house, and hitting the road to go home again. If they can get his house fixed so that he can go home, that's huge. You're all responding to an emergency situation and I hope it all goes well for all of you. 

[Scarlett45]

10 hours ago, SunnyBeBe said:

Today would have been Luther Vandross’s 70th birthday.  Hard to believe.  Here’s my favorite song by him.

 

And to those where it’s legal, Happy 4/20 Day. 

This is a good one, my mom loves this one- it aways makes her sappy. A total Daddy's girl she was. Luther was a treasure!

 

 

I switched back to the long coat today because the flurries/snow showers are here for the next day or two. The highlight of my day will be having baked tortellini for lunch. I also made a version of the Starbucks Brown Sugar Oatmilk drink (I made it hot because its too cold for anything iced besides water). It was DELICIOUS.

[Scarlett45]

@Mindthinkr I assume Aldo is MrChemo? Of course we are not mad at you! If there is someone in need of care, and you want to and are able to provide care for them, that is a very kind thing to do. I only want you to not put yourself in harms way (physically, emotionally or financially) to assist someone else.

[SunnyBeBe]

Only you know how much you can handle.  A charitable heart is a blessing to everyone.  I wish you strength as you provide assistance to your friend.  

[rue721]

@Mindthinkr of course you shouldn't feel embarrassed to help a friend! Just remember that you deserve to be treated like a friend, not like a servant.

Congrats, @Turquoise! It is HARD right now for a buyer, getting a contract is a real accomplishment. I'm sure that took a lot of work and was a lot of stress.

I wanted to buy a house before leaving my current job for law school, since I'll hopefully be living in the same place until 2024+, and with pets (including a larger dog) and an electric car that needs to charge, buying seemed easier and more cost effective than renting. Plus, it's not like my money is doing any good sitting in a savings account earning 0.5% interest a year, better to park it in a house and lower my monthly bills at the same time. Buuuuuut. I don't think it's meant to be. I actually put in an offer on a house this weekend -- regular suburban neighborhood on the Baltimore City/County line, regular small "starter" home, had been on the market for 1 day, etc. I went in with an offer I thought was crazy -- $25,000 over asking (list price was $290,000, so that was about 15% over), an appraisal gap of $5,000, waiving an inspection (I NEVER thought I'd do that), 30 day free rent back...  whelp, turns out that I wasn't even in the top 10 of the offers that they got. My agent contacted the listing agent after my offer was rejected to ask if I could be the backup, and the listing agent was straight up like, "Nope." Turns out, the house ended up selling for $60,000+ over asking (so for $350,000+), with the buyers offering to pay cash for ANYTHING over appraisal, no contingencies at all, and a bunch of other crazy shit like paying the seller's taxes for them. The current owners bought this house for less than $240,000 in 2013! I'm like, "noooooo I'm out. This is too crazy." I already was having nightmares the night after submitting an offer because of how expensive this house was and worries I'd never be able to sell or get my closing costs back, this shit is way too rich for my blood. The annoying thing is that the issues with rentals still exist, it's going to be a pain in the neck to find an affordable one that fits our needs. But the housing market is just... like, WHAT is going on even?! Hopefully it calms down eventually, although when, who knows. Knowing our luck, it'll just keep being fucking bonkers until everyone is homeless.

[Scarlett45]

@rue721 I am so sorry this has been so stressful. I have two close friends in the purchasing process right now, and its 50x the headache it would be under normal situations. ((((HUGS))))

[rue721]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

@rue721 I am so sorry this has been so stressful. I have two close friends in the purchasing process right now, and its 50x the headache it would be under normal situations. ((((HUGS))))

Yeah, and the crazy thing is that home prices practically never fall, so it's not like if you wait this out then you're going to have a better shot later! It'll probably just be worse, because you'll be paying this same high price but with higher interest to boot.

But regardless, this is just too much for me to handle. I feel like I thought, "let's learn to ski!" and wound up at the top of a Black Diamond. Or I thought, "let's learn to play cards!" and wound up at the high rollers' table in some backroom. Uhhhh I was thinking the bunny slopes or Egyptian ratscrew. It's just going to end in tears if I try to pretend like I belong with this crowd, waving around cash payments and mortgages like they're monopoly money. I know it risks me never being able to own a house but this is just wayyyyyyy too scary.

[Turquoise]

39 minutes ago, rue721 said:

@Mindthinkr of course you shouldn't feel embarrassed to help a friend! Just remember that you deserve to be treated like a friend, not like a servant.

Congrats, @Turquoise! It is HARD right now for a buyer, getting a contract is a real accomplishment. I'm sure that took a lot of work and was a lot of stress.

I wanted to buy a house before leaving my current job for law school, since I'll hopefully be living in the same place until 2024+, and with pets (including a larger dog) and an electric car that needs to charge, buying seemed easier and more cost effective than renting. Plus, it's not like my money is doing any good sitting in a savings account earning 0.5% interest a year, better to park it in a house and lower my monthly bills at the same time. Buuuuuut. I don't think it's meant to be. I actually put in an offer on a house this weekend -- regular suburban neighborhood on the Baltimore City/County line, regular small "starter" home, had been on the market for 1 day, etc. I went in with an offer I thought was crazy -- $25,000 over asking (list price was $290,000, so that was about 15% over), an appraisal gap of $5,000, waiving an inspection (I NEVER thought I'd do that), 30 day free rent back...  whelp, turns out that I wasn't even in the top 10 of the offers that they got. My agent contacted the listing agent after my offer was rejected to ask if I could be the backup, and the listing agent was straight up like, "Nope." Turns out, the house ended up selling for $60,000+ over asking (so for $350,000+), with the buyers offering to pay cash for ANYTHING over appraisal, no contingencies at all, and a bunch of other crazy shit like paying the seller's taxes for them. The current owners bought this house for less than $240,000 in 2013! I'm like, "noooooo I'm out. This is too crazy." I already was having nightmares the night after submitting an offer because of how expensive this house was and worries I'd never be able to sell or get my closing costs back, this shit is way too rich for my blood. The annoying thing is that the issues with rentals still exist, it's going to be a pain in the neck to find an affordable one that fits our needs. But the housing market is just... like, WHAT is going on even?! Hopefully it calms down eventually, although when, who knows. Knowing our luck, it'll just keep being fucking bonkers until everyone is homeless.

I'm sorry things are so crazy there. That's one of the reasons we left Nashville, besides moving in the same vicinity as my family. Prices are absolutely ridiculous there, it's too crowded, no public transport...
Our house is in a rural Midwest area next to a college town. So not completely rural, but definitely not city-like either. Prices are much more reasonable here, but even with that there's a shortage of houses. We happened to be at the right place at the right time for this one. We are enjoying a slower pace, and being away from crazy Nashville drivers. LOL

[GeeGolly]

17 minutes ago, rue721 said:

Yeah, and the crazy thing is that home prices practically never fall, so it's not like if you wait this out then you're going to have a better shot later! It'll probably just be worse, because you'll be paying this same high price but with higher interest to boot.

But regardless, this is just too much for me to handle. I feel like I thought, "let's learn to ski!" and wound up at the top of a Black Diamond. Or I thought, "let's learn to play cards!" and wound up at the high rollers' table in some backroom. Uhhhh I was thinking the bunny slopes or Egyptian ratscrew. It's just going to end in tears if I try to pretend like I belong with this crowd, waving around cash payments and mortgages like they're monopoly money. I know it risks me never being able to own a house but this is just wayyyyyyy too scary.

Hang in there. While real estate is almost always a great long term investment, prices do occasionally fall. What we're seeing now is a pandemic frenzy. Its a little minor real estate bubble. Nothing as big as  what happened a decade or so ago, but similar, and it will burst.

There's going to be more than a few folks who are upside down in their homes when the frenzy calms down.

[emma675]

rue721, that is insane! Housing prices here in Texas have always been a little crazy in my city, but they are just bonkers lately. We have the issue of a big influx of people moving in from other states (we have a pretty good tax system, a lot of companies are relocating here and bringing employees with them, etc.), but now we have the problem of too many people and not enough houses for sale for all of them. Not to mention the added stress of too many cars on older highways, older infrastructure that has needed updates for decades, a power grid that showed its weakness during one week of winter, and not enough land. People who want to buy here either have to pay two to three times what they might normally consider or move out into the boonies to find anything worthwhile that won't break the bank. It's ridiculous. The only reason I bought my house 12 years ago was because my mom was pressuring me to put money into property I would own instead of "throwing it away" (her words) on rent. Turns out, she was right. My house has almost tripled in value since I bought it (as have my property taxes, sigh) and I would not be able to afford it if I bought it now. 

I get emails, letters, and texts regularly from realtors, people, and companies asking if I would consider selling my house. It's gotten to the point where I'm tempted to put a big "NOT FOR SALE" sign in my front yard, lol. 

[BetyBee]

34 minutes ago, GeeGolly said:

Hang in there. While real estate is almost always a great long term investment, prices do occasionally fall. What we're seeing now is a pandemic frenzy. Its a little minor real estate bubble. Nothing as big as  what happened a decade or so ago, but similar, and it will burst.

There's going to be more than a few folks who are upside down in their homes when the frenzy calms down.

I agree with this. I have known many people who were upside down on their mortgages, which can get you stuck in a house. We have owned 7 homes and we only lost money on one - the one we bought in 2006. We'd have stayed and ridden it out if my husband hadn't lost his job. 

We have also lived through times (we've been married 43 years) when you couldn't be out working in your yard without being harassed about selling to builders who were dying to knock down our sweet home and build a McMansion. That's the price you pay for living in a great neighborhood!

Edited April 20, 2021 by BetyBee

[crazy8s]

44 minutes ago, emma675 said:

I get emails, letters, and texts regularly from realtors, people, and companies asking if I would consider selling my house. It's gotten to the point where I'm tempted to put a big "NOT FOR SALE" sign in my front yard, lol. 

we get the cards left in the door. "I can sell your home in 1 day"

our son's neighborhood, with houses going for $600,000 to over a million, there is some sort of pre list thing going. Any rumor a house may be going up for sale brings in 20-30 offers from the pre list people. Houses are sold before they are actually listed. They are on a small cul de sac, maybe 15 houses. 6 have sold with pre-sales since Jan. It's crazy.

[Zella]

It's snowing right now in Arkansas. . . . 

[iwantcookies]

4 minutes ago, Zella said:

It's snowing right now in Arkansas. . . . 

Sent it my way. It’s like 74 here.

[Jynnan tonnix]

1 hour ago, rue721 said:

Yeah, and the crazy thing is that home prices practically never fall, so it's not like if you wait this out then you're going to have a better shot later! It'll probably just be worse, because you'll be paying this same high price but with higher interest to boot.

But regardless, this is just too much for me to handle. I feel like I thought, "let's learn to ski!" and wound up at the top of a Black Diamond. Or I thought, "let's learn to play cards!" and wound up at the high rollers' table in some backroom. Uhhhh I was thinking the bunny slopes or Egyptian ratscrew. It's just going to end in tears if I try to pretend like I belong with this crowd, waving around cash payments and mortgages like they're monopoly money. I know it risks me never being able to own a house but this is just wayyyyyyy too scary.

Home prices have fallen a few times after getting way too inflated. I would think that this current market can't sustain itself. It will be interesting to see whether my younger son decides to buy now that he is going to a new duty station. He was slated to go out to Yuma, Arizona, before covid hit, then they stopped moving people around for some time, and now he's in the process of moving to South Carolina (from Pensacola). He really wants to buy a house, but it just doesn't really seem like the best time to do it, especially given that he'll likely only be there for a couple of years. My daughter and son-in-law are looking to put their house here in CT on the market, but they would like to buy my mom's place, which, on one hand, would be great, because we'd all like to see it stay in the family, but much as Mom can't really be there unaided any more, we're all sort of avoiding her actually moving in with us full time. Plus which, if they do end up taking the house, it will mean really long commutes for the both of them unless they start looking for new jobs.

We've talked about selling our place, too, but, in all reality, there are still so many projects we want to finish, and we'd like to actually be able to enjoy the place once we get it to where we would like, so I really don't see moving within the next five years, at least. As long as it doesn't get to be too much upkeep and we decide to downsize. At the moment, we enjoy the elbow room too much!

Sorry this turned into a novel when I was only going to comment on house prices. 

[DangerousMinds]

7 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

Ok friends. I’m going to drop a bomb on you. I have been talking all along to Aldo even though I toned back the relationship. He called me yesterday to tell me he had the worst pain he has ever experienced in his leg and couldn’t move his foot. So after a slight argument (him not wanting to) I took him to the close by ED. They couldn’t detect a pulse in his foot and then did an ultrasound. They started him on Heparin (blood thinner) and transferred him to the bigger hospital in our town by ambulance. His hearing aids had died (battery) and he forgot to bring his chemo drugs (specially ordered) so I stopped by my house to get those 2 things and then high tailed it to the ED. I’m so glad I did not even stop to feed the kitties or have a drink of water. The minute I got there they were leaving to take him in for surgery. Blood clot in his artery. The MD was also inserting a catheter to drip a clot dissolving drug that would have to remain in for a day. So I stayed last night at the hospital until after I had spoken to the surgeon for a status report post surgery and then came home. He didn’t want me to tell his kids. I won that argument and his son drive in from SC and got into his house at midnight. His daughter/SIL will be in tonight. He is having his second surgery this afternoon at 4 to remove the catheter, do an angiogram and I suspect exchange the stent that clogged up for a new one or give him another bypass. Last night was the surgeon that was on call. Today it will be his regular vascular guy. Here comes one of the kickers. Yesterday he began construction to redo his 2 downstairs bathrooms. They have been torn out. So his family decided that when he comes home from the hospital that he should stay at my house in my en suite guest room. Also because I was a nurse and they feel he will be safer with me. He wouldn’t be able to do the 2 flights of stairs to use the bathroom post surg. So his son is going to sit with him at the SICU this morning while I ready my house for a crowd. His best friends are coming in from Charlotte area, but are staying in a hotel. The husband is a licensed contractor and will run the rest of the construction while his wife will support me with cooking, shopping and whatever for a few days. Talk about jumping back in with 2 feet. I wasn’t able to sleep much last night, but will get through this. I know y’all think he could hire a nurse, but again the stairs and no bathroom would be an issue for him so that they never considered that option. I will hang in as long as I can. I am very stressed at this point. There is so much more, but I don’t have the energy to write it out and also am scared of all of you not liking me because it felt so good when y’all were proud that I had broken away from him. I was for a bit, but got sucked back in. At least not as deeply. I’m sorry I let everyone down. 
@QuinnInND Happy Belated Birthday to your husband. 
@sixlets I’m very sorry about your kitty. They are family members and I send you condolences and purrs are being sent from the Mindthinkr kitties. 
@Boston I’m glad you have been able to schedule your vaccine. When you have both it really will give you peace of mind. 

It sounds like he should be going to a rehab right now, and Medicare pays for that. His family should be told about that option before his discharge from the hospital.

[DangerousMinds]

47 minutes ago, Jynnan tonnix said:

Home prices have fallen a few times after getting way too inflated. I would think that this current market can't sustain itself. It will be interesting to see whether my younger son decides to buy now that he is going to a new duty station. He was slated to go out to Yuma, Arizona, before covid hit, then they stopped moving people around for some time, and now he's in the process of moving to South Carolina (from Pensacola). He really wants to buy a house, but it just doesn't really seem like the best time to do it, especially given that he'll likely only be there for a couple of years. My daughter and son-in-law are looking to put their house here in CT on the market, but they would like to buy my mom's place, which, on one hand, would be great, because we'd all like to see it stay in the family, but much as Mom can't really be there unaided any more, we're all sort of avoiding her actually moving in with us full time. Plus which, if they do end up taking the house, it will mean really long commutes for the both of them unless they start looking for new jobs.

We've talked about selling our place, too, but, in all reality, there are still so many projects we want to finish, and we'd like to actually be able to enjoy the place once we get it to where we would like, so I really don't see moving within the next five years, at least. As long as it doesn't get to be too much upkeep and we decide to downsize. At the moment, we enjoy the elbow room too much!

Sorry this turned into a novel when I was only going to comment on house prices. 

Can your mom afford some kind of assisted living residence? There are some nice ones, where residents have their own small apartments but also have meals and assistance available.

[Jeanne222]

Just an update.  Sent daughter the Happy Birthday, Love Mom and Dad. 
 

Surprisingly  she replied ‘thanks’.

I ponder this situation. She is absolutely unforgiving to me and others. Friends, neighbors and even other family members. 
 

Once she’s offended she’s done. 
 

Years ago when her younger sister was having a difficult pregnancy she refused to speak to her.

She doesn’t speak to son or his wife. 
 

I have an older daughter diagnosed and being treated for bipolar. I also think my mother might have suffered from either undiagnosed bipolar or depression. 
 

I am at about the end of my rope with her. I’m thinking of taking her out of our trust beneficiaries.  Not to be hurtful but if someone really doesn’t care should they receive equal to those that care and do for us as needed. 
 

She divorced her husband but has employment and other things so she doesn’t need our money.   Strange her ex once told me grandson    doesn’t speak to us because he’s scared his mother will stop talking to HIM!  He is quite dependent on her and her SO for ‘nice thing’s’!  Which they provide abundantly!

What a mess. Any thoughts?  TIA

[GeeGolly]

11 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

Just an update.  Sent daughter the Happy Birthday, Love Mom and Dad. 
 

Surprisingly  she replied ‘thanks’.

I ponder this situation. She is absolutely unforgiving to me and others. Friends, neighbors and even other family members. 
 

Once she’s offended she’s done. 
 

Years ago when her younger sister was having a difficult pregnancy she refused to speak to her.

She doesn’t speak to son or his wife. 
 

I have an older daughter diagnosed and being treated for bipolar. I also think my mother might have suffered from either undiagnosed bipolar or depression. 
 

I am at about the end of my rope with her. I’m thinking of taking her out of our trust beneficiaries.  Not to be hurtful but if someone really doesn’t care should they receive equal to those that care and do for us as needed. 
 

She divorced her husband but has employment and other things so she doesn’t need our money.   Strange her ex once told me grandson    doesn’t speak to us because he’s scared his mother will stop talking to HIM!  He is quite dependent on her and her SO for ‘nice thing’s’!  Which they provide abundantly!

What a mess. Any thoughts?  TIA

Can you remind me why your daughter is angry/upset?

[SunnyBeBe]

Jeanne222,  sorry things are so strained. When I first read about the situation, my initial reaction was that something was not right....we never know what someone is dealing with.  So, when a person is withdrawn or voluntarily cut off from parents for no apparent reason, it boggles the mind.  All families have something......squabbles, disagreements, hurt feelings, etc. but to stay removed for something trivial or unknown....I don’t get it.  I can image it must be hurtful.  Maybe a counselor....?

One of my best friends from law school disappeared without a word TWICE!  I never could figure it out.  We were roommates for 2 yrs.  We had been friends in undergrad. She was a guest in my parents’ and fiancé’s home. We hosted a birthday party for her with gifts and cake.  I helped her unpack, had dinners in her home, gave her house warming gift, etc.  Then, one day I found out she had moved out of town! No word at all.  This was before cell phones were common.  I eventually located her online, but I never tried to reconnect with her again.  I did contact her the first time she disappeared and things seemed fine.  It was like old times, but I won’t do it again.  I have no idea why she made those decisions, but there must be a reason.  I’ve chosen to let it go.  It’s sad....we were as close as sisters.  I realize it’s different when it’s one of your children.  If you want to remove her as trust beneficiary, that’s fine, but do you think it would help her when she finds out?   

[Jeanne222]

52 minutes ago, GeeGolly said:

Can you remind me why your daughter is angry/upset?

Four years ago my husband got one of those prank phone calls. The caller told him it was his grandson and he had been picked up by police in another state with three others for marijuana!  Hubby was suspicious and said ‘call your parents’!

Daughter, who left her husband and two children, called and said he’s home.   I wasn’t so sure because she is a huge enabler of him. 
 

Ex Sil called and said he’s here with me!

Im guessing she’s angry we believed Sil who lived with him over her who lived miles away!

Crazy huh! 
 

At least that’s what I think she’s mad about. 
 

My thought is that family members often do things we don’t like or disagree with but healthy people move on. Forgive.  Leave it alone.   She doesn’t and that bothers and worries me. 
 

Re the trust she would never know details. My concern is that even though she has walked away from us is the last thing we ‘say’ to her?

Honestly I don’t think she’d even attend our funerals!

[SunnyBeBe]

So, there was a call from someone, pretending to be her son, asking for money under false pretense.  When you called her, she said her son was there.  And, you also spoke with SIL (her son’s step mother, who said he was in her house). Is that right?  Do you have any idea if she was behind the call asking for money?  If not, who did it? Would she know?  What reason did she have to lie and say he was with her?  Any chance that she was telling the truth?  How did she find out what transpired?  Sorry for so many questions.  Trying to get the full picture.

[Jeanne222]

27 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

So, there was a call from someone, pretending to be her son, asking for money under false pretense.  When you called her, she said her son was there.  And, you also spoke with SIL (her son’s step mother, who said he was in her house). Is that right?  Do you have any idea if she was behind the call asking for money?  If not, who did it? Would she know?  What reason did she have to lie and say he was with her?  Any chance that she was telling the truth?  How did she find out what transpired?  Sorry for so many questions.  Trying to get the full picture.

I didn’t call her because we knew it was a scam. One of those going on that everybody was talking about. 
We were out to lunch with another daughter and told her and she called daughter to tell her what happened.

SIL is our ex son in law. He stayed in the family home when they divorced and she left. She did want the kids to go with her but both of them wanted to stay in their home with friends and school. 
No she wouldn’t be asking for money at all. 

[SunnyBeBe]

So why do you think your daughter claimed son was in her house when it could easily be determined that he was elsewhere? What’s in it for her or is she a chronic liar? Chronic liars lie, when the truth would help them.  

[GeeGolly]

1 hour ago, Jeanne222 said:

Four years ago my husband got one of those prank phone calls. The caller told him it was his grandson and he had been picked up by police in another state with three others for marijuana!  Hubby was suspicious and said ‘call your parents’!

Daughter, who left her husband and two children, called and said he’s home.   I wasn’t so sure because she is a huge enabler of him. 
 

Ex Sil called and said he’s here with me!

Im guessing she’s angry we believed Sil who lived with him over her who lived miles away!

Crazy huh! 
 

At least that’s what I think she’s mad about. 

My thought is that family members often do things we don’t like or disagree with but healthy people move on. Forgive.  Leave it alone.   She doesn’t and that bothers and worries me. 

Re the trust she would never know details. My concern is that even though she has walked away from us is the last thing we ‘say’ to her?

Honestly I don’t think she’d even attend our funerals!

I don't know your daughter, but it seems to me you would like a relationship with her. I would offer an olive branch. Maybe say something like, so much time has passed, I don't even know what happened, can we talk?.

Until you know what's really going on in her head, you're kind of stuck. If she's willing to talk, I would try to listen and validate her feelings. Validating feelings is not the same as validating her 'side of the story'. Arguing the 'facts' would likely not get you any closer to repairing the relationship. And if you do talk, I would be very purposeful in using "I" statements.

Just an FYI, there's no rule that anyone is obligated to maintain relationships with someone, just because they're family. I'm not saying this about your daughter, but some family members really do suck.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do, I hope you can come to a place of peace.

[Jeanne222]

9 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

So why do you think your daughter claimed son was in her house when it could easily be determined that he was elsewhere? What’s in it for her or is she a chronic liar? Chronic liars lie, when the truth would help them.  

No I think she called her ex and he told her son was home!  Sorry for the confusion. 

[SunnyBeBe]

8 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

No I think she called her ex and he told her son was home!  Sorry for the confusion. 

Sorry, I don’t follow what the phone calls were that upset her. But, I gather she’s of the opinion that her parents favor her ex-husband over her. Is that a fair statement? 

[Jeanne222]

4 minutes ago, GeeGolly said:

I don't know your daughter, but it seems to me you would like a relationship with her. I would offer an olive branch. Maybe say something like, so much time has passed, I don't even know what happened, can we talk?.

Until you know what's really going on in her head, you're kind of stuck. If she's willing to talk, I would try to listen and validate her feelings. Validating feelings is not the same as validating her 'side of the story'. Arguing the 'facts' would likely not get you any closer to repairing the relationship. And if you do talk, I would be very purposeful in using "I" statements.

Just an FYI, there's no rule that anyone is obligated to maintain relationships with someone, just because they're family. I'm not saying this about your daughter, but some family members really do suck.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do, I hope you can come to a place of peace.

Actually I have tried to do that. Apologized for the way things were done and said we could have done things differently.  Tried to make nice.   For some reason she turned it to me still liking her ex husband and accusing him of having an affair with my daughter in law which is another made up story. She hates it that I still like son in law. She left him for an attorney and lives with him now. 

Yes I would like a relationship with all of my children.  I do with three and their spouse and even their in-laws. 

I guess I could walk away but I really do think that at some time in the future when we’re gone she’ll have regrets. I also think her daughter, our granddaughter who we are very close to, will eventually walk away from her. 
 

Daughter and the attorney have been to counseling.  He for being a control freak and her for walking away from people and never forgiving.  
 

They have been together for several years and he hasn’t married her. I think because if she doesn’t speak to her family she would do the same to his family if they married. 
 

Btw she hated her ex relatives too!

It’s a mess. 

[Jeanne222]

7 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

Sorry, I don’t follow what the phone calls were that upset her. But, I gather she’s of the opinion that her parents favor her ex-husband over her. Is that a fair statement? 

When she told me son was at home with his father I did not know she had talked to SIL. 

She wants me to have nothing to do with her ex. But he’s the father of my grandchildren and we remain civil. I never see him or talk to him. Just a merry Christmas text or happy mother’s or Father’s Day text. 
 

He used to drop off the grands when they came to visit and have an iced tea but kids are in college now!

[GeeGolly]

3 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

Actually I have tried to do that. Apologized for the way things were done and said we could have done things differently.  Tried to make nice.   For some reason she turned it to me still liking her ex husband and accusing him of having an affair with my daughter in law which is another made up story. She hates it that I still like son in law. She left him for an attorney and lives with him now. 

Yes I would like a relationship with all of my children.  I do with three and their spouse and even their in-laws. 

I guess I could walk away but I really do think that at some time in the future when we’re gone she’ll have regrets. I also think her daughter, our granddaughter who we are very close to, will eventually walk away from her. 
 

Daughter and the attorney have been to counseling.  He for being a control freak and her for walking away from people and never forgiving.  
 

They have been together for several years and he hasn’t married her. I think because if she doesn’t speak to her family she would do the same to his family if they married. 
 

Btw she hated her ex relatives too!

It’s a mess. 

It sounds like she is unwilling or unable to put the past in the past. I would continue texting her on holidays, birthdays and any random texts you fell like sharing and expect nothing in return. Be patient. It'll either happen or it won't.

Or you could stop all contact, but that doesn't seem to be where you're at right now.

[BetyBee]

@Jeanne222 your daughter sounds very stubborn. I wonder if just writing "thanks" was a big step for her with her temperament? Maybe you could look at it as a possibly positive step on her part. It doesn't sound like you are being especially close with SIL, just being civil, as you said. But she is taking that personally and is hurt by it. If she can be hurt by you, then she probably cares more than you think! You asked for input, so my 2 cents is that you should not remove her as a beneficiary. She'll always be your daughter and doing that would likely feel hurtful to her. It's not about the money. She might be hurt that you remembered her siblings, but not her. There's always a chance that you'll one day have a good relationship again. Or maybe she and your other children will one day be close again. I think it's wise to keep the door open to reconciliation. ❤️