Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[Scarlett45]

3 minutes ago, thehorseofpower said:

I'm so sorry about your aunt's situation and that you had to make that call, @Scarlett45.  Hope you can get to Disney World when you're ready.

I'm feeling a lot of relief today because, after years of trying to convince my husband his anxiety levels are not normal and he needs to try medication or therapy or both and having him fight me tooth and nail and refuse to accept he has a problem and insist that he hates all medication and there's no way it would ever help him....he's FINALLY started taking medication and he is almost like a new person, or more like the person he was years ago when the anxiety was lower. The air around him used to almost sizzle with bad feelings, is the best way I can describe it...like I could feel the tightly wound nerves ready to burst if anything were to go wrong or the wrong thing was said, and now it feels calm around him. He has even admitted he missed a dose one day and immediately felt the difference and could see how bad things were for him before, without him even realizing it as he was living it. He has been grinding his teeth at night for years, so badly he's had to have fillings and would wake up most days with a clenched jaw and a headache....now he's waking up relaxed. He's also been suffering from some random GI issues in recent years and I'm hopeful these might also improve with his stress levels lower.

It took several terrifying full-fledged panic attacks recently and a trip to the ER to have one diagnosed because he was sure it was a heart attack or a stroke before this seismic shift could occur...wish he didn't have to hit rock bottom and take what will probably end up being a thousand dollar trip to the ER to finally agree to medication...but at this point, I'll take it. Covid and working in healthcare really accelerated his issues this past year and I'm so relieved he is finally accepting help and seeing results so he can understand he doesn't have to live with the stress level he was at previously. I was afraid he would finally agree to try medication only to have it not be the right one for him, and then would refuse to try another or use it as "proof" to say "see, I told you medication wouldn't work on me!" He's experiencing the positive effects right out of the gate now. I think my own anxiety levels are going to be second hand improved from having him be more relaxed and easier to talk to as well.

I also got my first vaccine last week and had almost no side effects from it - it's been a great week for science and medicine in my household! 😊

I am glad your husband is doing so much better. 

[iwantcookies]

I wonder percentage wise how many men versus women go to a psychiatrist/therapist for treatment.

[doodlebug]

4 hours ago, Jeeves said:

So, I'm laughing at myself. A fast food chain I'm not familiar with - Cane's -  built a new restaurant right around the corner from where I live, that opened not long ago. They do chicken fingers. Often when I've driven past it, there have been lines (!) of cars at its double drive-through setup, with people standing out there apparently taking orders.

I've changed my eating habits for the better, but have slipped back into letting myself have "treats," which is one thing to do very occasionally and another to over-do. Ahem. The recent trend in that area has not been healthy. Another ahem. 

Yesterday afternoon I thought, instead of making myself a meal, I'll try the new place. Oh Lord. I drove up, and the order taker was standing by a little sign that gave me just five combo options, all the same except the number of chicken fingers, and it didn't look exciting. But I got the smallest option. I hated the smell of the food when I took the bag from the person at the window. When I got home (literally a five minute drive) and opened the bag? It was a big styrofoam container. Oh great, I think. I'm not only doing a carbfest here, I'm an enemy of the environment too.

And, the food. AWFUL. To call it "lukewarm" would exaggerate its place on the scale of cold-to-piping-hot. Disappointing in all other ways as well. I've had better chicken fingers just about everywhere I've ever had chicken fingers. Tasteless, almost a nasty texture too. The french fries were - a mystery substance. No texture, no taste. The "Texas toast" was an insult to the Lone Star State, and the cole slaw was over-sugared. 

I'm going to file this under "play stupid games, win stupid prizes." Maybe it was worth it in a way, because after sampling their food, that oh-so-nearby place is not any kind of temptation for me. 

Sorry, planet, about the styrofoam thing.

There is a Cane's in my town, it opened a couple years back.  I love chicken, so I figured I'd give it a try.  One and done.  Not good at all, IMO, I have no idea how they've managed to become a national chain with such a mediocre product.

[Tikichick]

I've hesitated to post this in case it causes any hurt feelings, but I do think it is important information nonetheless so I've decided to go ahead.

A very important reason to attend to hearing loss as we age is that there is often a correlation to hearing loss and cognitive decline.   Many seniors wind up struggling needlessly because they avoid having their hearing checked or getting aids and wind up suffering for it in ways you would not expect.   

[doodlebug]

1 minute ago, Tikichick said:

I feel your pain.   FYI, they don't like it when you opt out of gatherings to avoid exposure either, because that's "ridiculous, I'm not letting a made up virus run my life".   They still will cash your checks if you send a car for graduation and wedding gifts however.  

Why, yes, that's true.  I've noticed it in my own life that folks who are unhappy that I don't agree with their stance on masks and social distancing are more than happy to accept gifts at Christmas or on birthdays. 

[laurakaye]

11 minutes ago, Tikichick said:

I feel your pain.   FYI, they don't like it when you opt out of gatherings to avoid exposure either, because that's "ridiculous, I'm not letting a made up virus run my life".   They still will cash your checks if you send a card for graduation and wedding gifts however.  

Sadly, that's why I went in the first place - no motivation to explain my absence, which of course makes me a hypocrite on top of everything else.  It's a no-win situation when it comes to family.  One of the fun things that I enjoy thinking about at 3am is this - is what's happened in the past year going to color how I see my family going forward?  Forgiveness is one thing.  But the things they have said out loud and the vile memes they have posted....I just don't know.  If it's clear to me that you don't care enough about anyone but yourself, why would I want to be around you at all?  I'm sure time will change my perception, but maybe it won't.

Gosh, I'm a downer today!  I need to read a good book...I've heard Rev. Fancy Pants has a blockbuster coming out soon.

Edited April 12, 2021 by laurakaye

[DangerousMinds]

10 minutes ago, doodlebug said:

Why, yes, that's true.  I've noticed it in my own life that folks who are unhappy that I don't agree with their stance on masks and social distancing are more than happy to accept gifts at Christmas or on birthdays. 

Much like the Rods with their ebul stimulus checks!

[Tikichick]

1 minute ago, laurakaye said:

Sadly, that's why I went in the first place - no motivation to explain my absence, which of course makes me a hypocrite on top of everything else.  It's a no-win situation when it comes to family.  One of the fun things that I enjoy thinking about at 3am is this - is what's happened in the past year going to color how I see my family going forward?  Forgiveness is one thing.  But the things they have said out loud and the vile memes they have posted....I just don't know.  If it's clear to me that you don't care enough about anyone but yourself, why would I want to be around you at all?  I'm sure time will change my perception, but maybe it won't.

Unfortunately the absolute worst that I deal with I cannot avoid anymore.   For many years avoidance whenever possible was my method for dealing with everything that comes along with my in-laws and their increasingly disturbing belief systems.   Ironically over the past year age and infirmity have caught up with them and we see them far more than we ever did -- and their belief systems have also circled deeper and deeper down the drain.   

[laurakaye]

I'm an avoider too, lol.  I don't do confrontation.  But I also recognize that I'm a simmering volcano that will eventually erupt.

[DangerousMinds]

7 minutes ago, laurakaye said:

Sadly, that's why I went in the first place - no motivation to explain my absence, which of course makes me a hypocrite on top of everything else.  It's a no-win situation when it comes to family.  One of the fun things that I enjoy thinking about at 3am is this - is what's happened in the past year going to color how I see my family going forward?  Forgiveness is one thing.  But the things they have said out loud and the vile memes they have posted....I just don't know.  If it's clear to me that you don't care enough about anyone but yourself, why would I want to be around you at all?  I'm sure time will change my perception, but maybe it won't.

It’s all so hard. I don’t even speak to most of my family because of these issues. I just can’t forgive what they have defended the last few years. 

[zoomama]

44 minutes ago, Tikichick said:

I've hesitated to post this in case it causes any hurt feelings, but I do think it is important information nonetheless so I've decided to go ahead.

A very important reason to attend to hearing loss as we age is that there is often a correlation to hearing loss and cognitive decline.   Many seniors wind up struggling needlessly because they avoid having their hearing checked or getting aids and wind up suffering for it in ways you would not expect.   

thanks for the push. no hurt feelings either!  i am vacillating between going to costco hearing aid supplier and seeing what the benefits are or waiting a while. i cant explain the ringing - its relentless. and i can hear still, just seems like people mumble quietly ore often to me. my plan is to go on a not-weekend day (crowds) and get the info. 

ETA: i hadnt seen all the other responses with the nod to going now vs later. i am calling this week and seeing about an appt. 

Edited April 12, 2021 by zoomama

[lookeyloo]

15 minutes ago, zoomama said:

thanks for the push. i am vacillating between going to costco hearing aid supplier and seeing what the benefits are or waiting a while. i cant explain the ringing - its relentless. and i can hear still, just seems like people mumble quietly ore often to me. my plan is to go on a not-weekend day (crowds) and get the info. 

May I also offer a push toward Costco.  Sweet son has a friend who is a doctor of audiology here at the local VA.  He took his own father to Costco for a hearing evaluation and hearing aids.  They have several to choose from.  He came with me a year ago January to Costco and sat in on the evaluation/testing/etc.  He was very pleased with the technician.  He also told me that if I didn't wear the hearing aids my brain would forget how to hear even with them at a later time.  I didn't need convincing.  My old hearing aids worked but technology is so much better.  The friend said the two biggest distributors of hearing aids are the VA and Costco and they use the same brands.  I paid $1700 for both of mine, blue tooth enabled.  They will replace them once, free, if you lose them.  Please see about your hearing and maybe there is a solution or remedy for the ringing.

[Tikichick]

My PSA about hearing aids -- Dogs are attracted to them and they are actually small enough for a dog to eat, which they will do.   When not wearing them keep them in a case for safekeeping, of the dog and the aids. 

[iwantcookies]

1 hour ago, laurakaye said:

I'm an avoider too, lol.  I don't do confrontation.  But I also recognize that I'm a simmering volcano that will eventually erupt.

That’s how I would describe myself. Or a beta. I wish I was an alpha but I am not. 

[marypat57]

 

My parents had their first 5 children in 6 years (I’m #1), #6 came 4 years after #5, #7 came 1.5 years after #6 , and #8 came 3.5 years after #7.  I am 15 years older than my youngest brother.
 It was kind of fun to tease him when he was little.  I sometimes would tell him he had different parents—which was sort of true.  His bedtime was more flexible.  He got to stay home from school when he was sick.  The rest of us would joke that we got sent to school with baby aspirin in our uniform pockets with instructions to take it at lunch time.  By the time he was a teenager, my parents had already been through it seven times, so they knew what was important to get excited about, and what wasn’t.  My little brother did turn out OK—he works for a large government agency in our nation’s capital, and keeps me amused with pictures of his puppies.

[CouchTater]

This video brought me so many giggles this morning, I thought I'd share with you all.  A guy built a squirrel obstacle course in his backyard to make them work for the birdfeed they would always steal.

It's 20 minutes long, and the fun really starts 8 minutes in, which is where I have the video set to start for you.  This is when the guy stops explaining and the squirrels start doing their thing.  Enjoy!

 

Edited April 12, 2021 by CouchTater

[iwantcookies]

Do boy squirrels have nipples had me rolling 

 

[CouchTater]

2 minutes ago, iwantcookies said:

Do boy squirrels have nipples had me rolling 

 

My first (and bestest!) cat had nipples, so I named her Lucy because as a kitten she whined like Lucy Ricardo.  At her first vet visit I was advised that she was a boy.  That's when I learned that in many mammal species the males have nipples!  And Lucy became Louie that day.  😄😯

[ginger90]

On the hearing aid topic. An uncle of mine had difficulty with any conversation that was in a noisy place. It didn’t matter if it was music or other people speaking. He got hearing aids that were programmed to eliminate those sounds. So, no more straining, or pretending to know what was being said, he does very well in those situations now.

[iwantcookies]

@lookeyloo nice to see you! 

[SunnyBeBe]

My dad got a hearing aid today.  They said he only needed one. He says it works great.  I hope so.  Daddy does find word puzzles and other word games daily. He says it keeps him sharp.  He’s 83.  
 

I support anyone who reports seniors or anyone in need of help to authorities.  I’ve had to do it before and thank goodness they acted and helped those in need.  
 

 

[CalicoKitty]

RE:  Costco and hearing aids.  Costco was rated right at the top by Consumer Reports when I was trying to get a friend to go. (She REALLY can't hear well).  I have heard others recommend Costco, also.  That's where I will go when the time comes.

[Nysha]

I desperately need hearing aids, but I don't have an extra $2,000 to pay for them. My last pair cost $4,000 b/c the only place in town who does payments also overcharges. They also took me 4 years to pay off & my granddaughter flushed them down the toilet a year before I had them paid off.

[crazycatlady58]

Well I wasn't able to get the vaccine today. It was a mass vaccine site and they said the group that gave me my vaccine would be back tomorrow. She did say the gates were opened at  8:30. I will be there T that time and if for some reason I cannot get it I will find someone who can tell me how to know when to come back.

[QuinnInND]

((((((hugs))))) @Scarlett45

Wish I had words of wisdom for you. 

[iwantcookies]

Well the neighbor got very bold Tonight. Flat out asked me to have sex with him. Said I’m beautiful. His English is bad but I got his message. Loud and clear. 
 

If he wasn’t so old maybe. I am desperate to get some TLC. 
 

Off to sleep. Good night. 

[iwantcookies]

@Jeeves I swear frozen nuggets, fries etc taste great from an air fryer. I would recommend buying one and forget fast food. 

[Mindthinkr]

The situation for my daughter has gone from bad to worse. She came home from work last night to find that her husband of 20+ years had moved out. She is so unhappy, angry, distressed and depressed. She is getting counseling both as an individual and couples (he doesn’t want to change so it didn’t help). He is going to fight for custody of their last child. (The oldest is under her guardianship due to disability. Their son turns 18 soon and can make his own decision.) She is resigned that this good old boy state will probably award him primary custody. His family is blaming her even though he was the one who went out and had two affairs. I wish I could take her pain away or comfort her. It was easier to be her mother when I could kiss her boo boos and make it all better  

@Scarlett45 I think that you made the right decision and understand that it is weighing heavily on you. Hopefully in time any naysayers will come to see this was the best course of action. **hugs**  

[Jeeves]

28 minutes ago, Churchhoney said:

“While other kids are learning to read with comics or whatever normal parents have around the house, here fundie kids are — 6, 7, 8 years old — devouring stories of Jezebel being defenestrated and then eaten by dogs." 🤓

"The Bible is basically 'Game of Thrones,' except if you don't read it you go to Hell." 

No wonder the Duggars, Wallers, etc. were filled with terror about their fates at age 3. 

Bringing this over from the religion topic - discussing "exvangelical" Piper's TikTok videos and he's the one quoted above - to say this. 

When I was a tiny child, 2 or 3 years old, I was taken to a church service in a rural Southern Baptist church. I'm old, and this was in the early 1950's. It may have been a revival meeting vs. a regular service, I'm not sure. I just remember this old guy up in the pulpit preaching in a voice that got louder and louder, going on and on about people burning in hell. He was really wound up and hollering, and it did absolutely terrify me, to the point that I started crying and screaming hysterically. I don't remember if I was punished. I probably was. I'm sure I was hustled out of there, which would have been a blessing. 

I don't know if that style of hellfire and damnation preaching is much used, but I always associate it - and a message of doom and damnation - with Baptist churches. Two things. As a kid I don't think I attended many Baptist church services vs being in Sunday School or the nursery.  Also, after my dad remarried when I was still a small child, I attended my new stepmom's church which wasn't Baptist or evangelical at all. It had its own special brand of strangeness, but I swear, when I first walked into that little church and saw the words "God is Love" painted large on the wall, that was news to me - and good news at that.

[Jeeves]

@Mindthinkr, I hope your daughter can hire a good lawyer for her divorce. I think the laws in pretty much all US states lean toward an assumption that shared custody of children is most appropriate in divorce cases. Her soon to be ex may talk loud about "taking the child away" from her, but will he have the money and temperament to wage that fight in front of a judge? I don't mean to start a discussion here that would put your daughter's business out here in much detail, but I hope like hell she can get good legal representation. 

[Scarlett45]

12 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

The situation for my daughter has gone from bad to worse. She came home from work last night to find that her husband of 20+ years had moved out. She is so unhappy, angry, distressed and depressed. She is getting counseling both as an individual and couples (he doesn’t want to change so it didn’t help). He is going to fight for custody of their last child. (The oldest is under her guardianship due to disability. Their son turns 18 soon and can make his own decision.) She is resigned that this good old boy state will probably award him primary custody. His family is blaming her even though he was the one who went out and had two affairs. I wish I could take her pain away or comfort her. It was easier to be her mother when I could kiss her boo boos and make it all better  

@Scarlett45 I think that you made the right decision and understand that it is weighing heavily on you. Hopefully in time any naysayers will come to see this was the best course of action. **hugs**  

I am sorry your daughter is in this situation. Did she separate all the financials like we suggested when you mentioned this a bit ago? YES she needs to keep going to counseling for herself and her own well being. How old is their youngest child? Given the one above him is almost 18, hes likely not far behind. As a teen his wishes will go into consideration for the most part (outside of odd circumstances). You said this husband was not employed before?

I know you are upset- My Mom says its hardest being a mother to an adult child, and a mother is only as happy as her least happy child. Your daughter is lucky to have such a parent who is so supportive and loving- she knows you will always be there for her.

Also fuck that dude, seems their last son together is close to grown, so he will be out of her hair outside of graduations and big events soon enough.She will heal from this- one day.

[iwantcookies]

22 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

In sad serious news- I just got off the phone with the social worker, I called and made a report regarding a concern for my great aunt (87 dementia) and her daughter/caregiver my cousin, regarding the condition of the home and the caregiver's refusal to accept nursing help (my aunt is now confined to bed after her hospital stay) because she does not want any one to see the condition of the home and report her. My Aunt got home because a male cousin put her in the car and carried her in.

 

I hate hate hate that I had to do this. I have tried for almost two years to get my cousin to clean up the home, and get some help, to replace the applicances and she wouldn't. I went to see my Aunt last week and my cousin was saying things that made no sense, like she was going to put her in the bathtub (yes, carry her alone through the hoard into the bathroom)- I told her she couldn't do that, she would hurt them both!

The saving grace is that my Aunt is too far gone, she doesn't know whats going on, but my cousin needs help herself- she is only 51. I accept that I may never get into the house again, I may never see my Aunt again, my cousin may never speak to me again, but she knows I loved her and I did the right thing by her. But it still hurts. 

So so much sorrow, especially after I watched my godmother leave her home with THREE WEEKS left to live, just to get away from her husband and have peace (and pancakes and bacon), I know if my Aunt could she would ask me to take her to a nice hotel and she would want a ham and cheese croissant with potatoes. 

I admit I am resentful I was put in this position. I would die of shame before I let my sister live like that (she with her Disney+ and new plushes), there is a higher standard for people who cannot choose. To end this on a light note, as we all should know, Tramp didnt have a collar until the end of Lady and the Tramp when he is adopted, so my sister had me cut it off (her Easter presents). See photo. This girl cracks me up. 

 

ETA: I am sick of all this awful stuff happening! Can we have a peaceful summer and I go to Disney World in the fall? When bad things happen I always want to be in Disney World. 

That is an awful situation. The daughter is suffering from something too. No one wants to live in a hoarder situation. 

I have no advice. 

[Scarlett45]

3 minutes ago, iwantcookies said:

That is an awful situation. The daughter is suffering from something too. No one wants to live in a hoarder situation. 

I have no advice. 

I know my cousin is suffering too. Which is why I am not angry at her any more. I was for awhile, I thought she was just being "lazy" (which she has a history of being), but this woman used to be so clean you could eat off of her floors. If you had asked me 10yrs ago would this have happened to her, I would've called you a damn liar.  

 

Best case my cousin will get some help for herself and in a year or two be in a much better place (I do not expect my Aunt to still be alive). Also, every other cousin who is about something, and has tried to say something (I have enlisted the help of 4 or 5 cousins older than me with more power in the family to assist), has been doing it out of love for our Aunt- once she is gone we would let the cousin sit in the hoard because people are sick of her BS.

[SunnyBeBe]

MIndthinkr, I am sorry to see about you daughters situation.  I agree about how helpful it might be to get counseling, as well as the advice of a family law attorney.  From my experience the courts strive to have issues resolved by agreement, which is why there is almost always mandatory mediation for custody and property distribution.  And, without a compelling reason lean to equal shared custody between parents.  
 

Jeeves, there are multiple types of Baptist in the south.  I attend a traditional Methodist church, but grew up in a fundie church.  I call it the cult church and feel comfortable doing that due to what I observed and the religious abuse I suffered there for years.  During the pandemic, I have regularly watched at the church service of a local southern Baptist church that is very progressive and find it not much different from the Methodist church service, except for reciting the Apostle’s Creed, which uses the term Holy Catholic Church.  I think that might get to some Baptists. Lol.  My heart goes out to people who had scary church experiences.  It’s something I still struggle with.  
 

My first outdoor concert since covid is approaching.  I’m a little apprehensive, but still anticipating a good time.  

Edited April 13, 2021 by SunnyBeBe

[Jeeves]

8 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

MIndthinkr, I am sorry to see about you daughters situation.  I agree about how helpful it might be to get counseling, as well as the advice of a family law attorney.  From my experience the courts strive to have issues resolved by agreement, which is why there is almost always mandatory mediation for custody and property distribution.  And, without a compelling reason lean to equal shared custody between parents.  

Jeeves, there are multiple types of Baptist in the south.  I attend a traditional Methodist church, but grew up in a fundie church.  I call it the cult church and feel comfortable doing that due to what I observed and the religious abuse I suffered there for years.  During the pandemic, I have regularly watched at the church service of a local southern Baptist church that is very progressive and find it not much different from the Methodist church service, except for reciting the Apostle’s Creed, which uses the term Holy Catholic Church.  I think that might get to some Baptists. Lol.  My heart goes out to people who had scary church experiences.  It’s something I still struggle with.  

My first outdoor concert since covid is approaching.  I’m a little apprehensive, but still anticipating a good time.  

Thanks for your comments. I have attended Baptist church services in my adult life when visiting relatives out of state, and there was no fire or brimstone in evidence. Intellectually I get it that not all Baptist churches are about hell and damnation. But the hell and damnation message was so vividly imprinted on my toddler mind and emotions that it's still my gut reaction. Also, I have a LOAD of Southern Baptist cousins who are fine, loving, generous, and hardworking people who live in the real world and not in a cult, so there's that. It's not like I was scarred for life, but I harbor no love, and little respect, for Baptist churches in general. A sentiment, by the way, that I do NOT disclose to anyone in my [offline] life. No need to do so, and it would just create bad feelings without any cause.

I think that @Mindthinkr's daughter should be prepared that if their divorce action has to go to mediation, and the husband is a bullying aggressive type, the mediation is unlikely to be a success. And she and her lawyer need to be prepared to meet his antics if that's the case. I think she needs to get a lawyer ASAP and not be lulled by thinking, oh no need for a lawyer, we'll just resolve it all with a mediator. If he's been talking and acting as you describe, he's not going to work with a mediator and your daughter needs to protect herself from the get-go. Also your daughter needs to know that although things she tells her lawyer are protected by the attorney-client privilege, AFAIK no such privilege protects anything she says to a mediator. Yeah I know, mediation is a great alternative to litigation in many ways - but it's not a panacea when one of the parties is being an ass. 

I hope you enjoy your concert!!

[GeeGolly]

28 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

I know my cousin is suffering too. Which is why I am not angry at her any more. I was for awhile, I thought she was just being "lazy" (which she has a history of being), but this woman used to be so clean you could eat off of her floors. If you had asked me 10yrs ago would this have happened to her, I would've called you a damn liar.  

Best case my cousin will get some help for herself and in a year or two be in a much better place (I do not expect my Aunt to still be alive). Also, every other cousin who is about something, and has tried to say something (I have enlisted the help of 4 or 5 cousins older than me with more power in the family to assist), has been doing it out of love for our Aunt- once she is gone we would let the cousin sit in the hoard because people are sick of her BS.

What a tough situation Scarlett! Have you spoken with your cousin or aunt? Has the investigation started? Is your cousin able/willing to attend to your aunts needs in the meantime?

My heart breaks for your aunt. I hope the situation is addressed ASAP. Hang in there.

 

@Mindthinkr, as others have said, the more prepared she is, the better things are likely to turn out. My thoughts are with you and your daughter.

[Scarlett45]

4 hours ago, GeeGolly said:

What a tough situation Scarlett! Have you spoken with your cousin or aunt? Has the investigation started? Is your cousin able/willing to attend to your aunts needs in the meantime?

My heart breaks for your aunt. I hope the situation is addressed ASAP. Hang in there.

 

@Mindthinkr, as others have said, the more prepared she is, the better things are likely to turn out. My thoughts are with you and your daughter.

I have tried to speak with my cousin about the situation, I have seen the condition of their living situation deteriorate for almost two years, I was this close to calling a few months ago because they didnt have a fridge and she refused to clear out the back area so that a fridge could be bought IN the house, but then  92 yrs old K (who is the husband to J- my great aunt's very first niece who is 11 months her elder, and has been her bff since the cradle) saw the home and put a fire under her ass to get a fridge. At that point my Aunt was mobile, now she is bedridden since this last hospital stay. I think my cousin is a tiny bit afraid of J (who will be 88 next month, very healthy and mentally sharp) which is why she hasn't bared me from the home, J knows I have sense and I have been telling the truth.

My Mom even went to try and talk some sense into my cousin, ONE PERSON cannot turn, move, bathe, etc a bedridden adult ALL BY HERSELF 24/7, my Mom saw the condition of the home in January and said she was not going back in, but went back in last week to try and talk some sense into my cousin once more, and see my great aunt before she dies not in a hospital. My Mom then said SHE would call social services to protect me so my family wouldnt hate me, and I said NO, this was MY FAMILY, my Aunt, my cousin, was a grown ass woman and I would not hide behind my mother's skirts. My mom confirmed my suspicions that the tiny bit of cleaning my cousin did to get my aunt back in the house would be re-hoarded in two hot seconds. I was way too happy to be able to OPEN THE FRONT DOOR.

And now my cousin has started with the animals. She has a non spayed adult female cat in there, and brought in a male kitten who will be sexually mature in a month or two, "I brought the kitten because I was alone, I will give him to our other cousin who wanted to adopt him eventually." My Mom told her that the male would be sexually mature in less than two more months, and then in a year she would have 20 cats in there. Why is the female cat not spayed? she has been there over a year! My cousin said "no no he's too little." 

This is text book. I feel like that relative they interview in the beginning of an episode of Hoarders.

The saving grace is that my great aunt is so far gone she doesnt know what is going on. She is not in immediate danger, she is warm.

 

@Mindthinkr yes your daughter absolutely needs a lawyer ASAP. If the husband starts harassing and threatening her, she needs to save all of the emails and screenshots of text threads.

[SunnyBeBe]

Hoarding is a serious mental health condition that seems to be very resistant to change.  I sure hope there will be a resolution.  I read a heartbreaking story and obituary recently on the People website where this Emmy award set designer was discovered underneath debris in her home.  She had been missing for weeks, but due to the condition of the home, her whereabouts could not be determined.  Her family had tried to intervene.  It’s very serious and I think family members who try to get these people help should be commended. It’s not just a nuisance. It can be dangerous.  

Edited April 13, 2021 by SunnyBeBe

[Scarlett45]

8 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

Hoarding is a serious mental health condition that seems to be very resistant to change.  I sure hope there will be a resolution.  I read a heartbreaking story and obituary recently on the People website where this Emmy award set designer was discovered underneath debris in her home.  She had been missing for weeks, but due to the condition of the home, her whereabouts could not be determined.  Her family had tried to intervene.  It’s very serious and I think family members who try to get these people help should be commended. It’s not just a nuisance. It can be dangerous.  

I know it can. Whatever issues I have with my cousin being the lazy one who never wanted to work (it took her a gazillion years to get out of medical school, and then should couldnt pass Step 3 so she got kicked out of the residency, but she tells people she left her residency to care for her Mom, SURE...........), compared to me who was always the responsible one (despite being 16yrs her junior!), I would NEVER EVER want this sort of living condition for her. Not ever. The hygiene and respiratory issues alone! She can hate me for the rest of her life, if she gets help it will be worth it. 

[SunnyBeBe]

Yeah, it’s like their reasoning skills leave the brain.  It seems to be so resistant to change.  I hate feeling helpless in family situations.  I know of someone who has something along those lines. It’s not hoarding, but impacts someone I care about.  I’ve consulted with professionals. I’d like to make a difference.

Edited April 13, 2021 by SunnyBeBe

[Mindthinkr]

The good news is that my daughter has retained an attorney. I have all the copies of the important documents locked away. 
I will do whatever I can help my child. This is just going to be a painful time in her life and hopefully with counseling she can eventually see her way forward, heal and go on to having a happy future. My heart just aches for her. 

[Scarlett45]

1 minute ago, Mindthinkr said:

The good news is that my daughter has retained an attorney. I have all the copies of the important documents locked away. 
I will do whatever I can help my child. This is just going to be a painful time in her life and hopefully with counseling she can eventually see her way forward, heal and go on to having a happy future. My heart just aches for her. 

Good good. She will be okay on the other side of this. Of course your heart hurts for her! It is sucky, but she is better off without him brining her down. 

[Jeanne222]

So today I’m pondering my middle daughter. Her birthday is coming up soon and we haven’t spoken in over a year. Three years ago we had a falling out over one of those phony phone calls to seniors. They said it was a grandson and he was in cook county jail and to send money!  Hubby said call your parents!

 Her son lives with the ex. She said he was home and I said how do you know that???  Her ex said he’s home I was just up trying to wake him.   We believed the ex!  Things deteriorated from there. She sent me a cheap poinsettia she bought at dollar general. Put the live plant in a box and shipped it. Dirt everywhere!!!

A year ago Mother’s Day she sent me two boxes of one year expired candy!  So after sending her and grandson their birthday and Christmas checks with no thank you. I stopped. 
 

We have always had a shaky relationship that would take a book to explain.   Her history is that she cuts people off and never looks back. She’s a heart breaker!  
 

We have done everything for her but nothing for us!

We raised her well. College, wedding, lake house for her weekends birthday celebrating! 
 

So I have two things on my mind. Do I text a happy birthday in spite of her non caring and actions?

Then Theres our trust. I’m of a mind to see an attorney and have her taken out of it.   I don’t think she’d even come to our funerals. 
 

It’s very hurtful when you have a daughter that simply doesn’t care. Hard to make choices in what is right or wrong!

[SunnyBeBe]

Jeanne222, my goodness....that’s tough.  Without prying...do you know what is wrong with her?  Such as substance abuse, depression, etc.  it sounds like something is not working right with her cognitively.  

[Jeeves]

@Jeanne222, I don't want to get into your business in any detail here on the forum. But if that trust is set up so that daughter could access or control any of your or your husband's assets or money while you are alive? I'd get her off of it. As to what to do about your estate after you and your husband are both gone, well, that's totally up to you. I'm not all into "blood is everything" about family, just to disclose where I'm coming from. But based on her demonstrated behavior over time, I'd be leery of having her in any position where she has power or discretion over your assets, even if others do too. You do NOT have to get into the deets of the trust, etc., here. Just wanted to say to be sure to have it all looked at carefully. 

True story, not at all related to @Jeanne222, to be clear, but it's about trusts and why I'm leery of them and urge people to check twice and three times to be sure they understand all the ramifications. I've mentioned having cousins who live in a small-town/rural area out of state, with deep roots and continuing involvement in farming. I met some of their friends (all old people, lol) socially. One older couple were so sweet; it was a second marriage, both had been widowed and they were quite happy together. The husband owned a nice sized farm with a really nice house on it where they lived. They both had adult kids from their first marriages; she had little money of her own, just a small teacher's pension. But he was much more comfortably off. He was prone to bragging to the other guys at the morning coffee session at the cafe, about how he'd put his property in a trust and his wife would be provided for because of that. 

Well, sadly, he died. And it turned out that his trust was structured so his daughter had total control of the property, no provision for his wife. The daughter immediately kicked the widow out without a penny. All their friends were outraged but powerless. The trust was watertight legally. The widow fortunately had kept ownership of her little house in another town so she moved back there, leaving all the friends she'd made in the previous decade. It was awful. 

[Mindthinkr]

27 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

Do I text a happy birthday in spite of her non caring and actions?

If it makes you feel better then do it. 

[Jeanne222]

18 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

Jeanne222, my goodness....that’s tough.  Without prying...do you know what is wrong with her?  Such as substance abuse, depression, etc.  it sounds like something is not working right with her cognitively.  

I have another daughter bi polar. I think my mother may have had undiagnosed bi polar thinking back on her life. 

7 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

If it makes you feel better then do it. 

I had to think about it for a few minutes. 
 

No it doesn’t make me feel better. It’s more mother’s guilt to wish a daughter happy birthday!

[SunnyBeBe]

I think it’s ok to handle it anyway that makes you feel comfortable.  My mother still sends birthday cards with money (Christmas gifts too) to all her adult kids and grandkids....even if they haven’t called or sent her anything in years!  She calls and leaves them a voice message asking them to confirm they received it to no avail:(. But, that’s her choice.  I chose to handle it differently, but that’s ok too.  I would discuss estate planning with an attorney to determine if things are the way you want.  

[Suzn]

21 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

I have another daughter bi polar. I think my mother may have had undiagnosed bi polar thinking back on her life. 

I had to think about it for a few minutes. 
 

No it doesn’t make me feel better. It’s more mother’s guilt to wish a daughter happy birthday!

Just do it with no expectations.  Make a generous gesture and let go of it.

[Jeanne222]

11 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

I think it’s ok to handle it anyway that makes you feel comfortable.  My mother still sends birthday cards with money (Christmas gifts too) to all her adult kids and grandkids....even if they haven’t called or sent her anything in years!  She calls and leaves them a voice message asking them to confirm they received it to no avail:(. But, that’s her choice.  I chose to handle it differently, but that’s ok too.  I would discuss estate planning with an attorney to determine if things are the way you want.  

Yes that’s what I do. A check and card for each adult child and spouse and the same for all the grands.  Birthday and Christmas  

Some say thank you some don’t!

I look to see if it’s cleared the bank to know if it’s received by the grands  

We get cards and gifts from the kids. I think the grands just expect their parents to send the greetings to us!!!