Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[Arwen Evenstar]

3 hours ago, bigskygirl said:

Looks like winter is not over in Montana since we will be under a winter storm watch on Tuesday with a couple of days of colder weather and the following week we could be dealing freezing rain or freezing rain/snow mixture.

And on the subject of tests and procedures, I have had more tests, doctor appointments, and medical procedures in the last two years than my husband has. I find it weird since he was the one who was given two weeks to live, three years of dialysis, a kidney transplant, and diabetes caused by a lovely side effect from one of his anti-rejection meds. His vision is even better than mine. Go figure.

Wow, that's incredible on all levels that your husband has been through all of that and had fewer tests! Also incredible that he's survived against those odds. Must be your good loving and caring for him.

Thyroid disease and some GI issues are indeed their own type of rabbit holes. You must be weary of being messed about like that!  You're made of much stronger stuff than I am!

[Sew Sumi]

Guys, I don't post here much, but I have to dump before I go crazy. 

MIL is almost 85 (4/1). She has had 6 falls in the last 2 1/2 years. With serious osteoperosis, every one has resulted in a break of some sort, some major (hip, wrist, humerus), some minor (toe). Now, two weeks after the fact, and again not being able to locate the exact location of pain, we have another hip fracture, this time in the lower pubis region. 

Again, she's in Skilled Nursing, but it's complaint after complaint after complaint. We can't do enough for her. She has intense PT/OT for the next month, but after she is "ambulatory" and can be released to her apartment, what then? She's still in assisted living, but we can't afford to hire caretakers for her any longer. We've spent over $100,000 on them (thankfully, there are tax breaks for this). She also suffers from depression and major anxiety (I am in that boat as well). Her family relations are a mess, except for one sister out of four other siblings. I begged her to get her family relations on track; they're the only family she has now other than her 100 year old aunts, Mr. Sumi, and me. 

I just can't deal with it. I have my own health issues right now, and my husband works crazy hours, so it falls on me to be her advocate. My SIL lives across the country and give me support, but damn, I am swamped. With this latest disaster, I have to take a leave of absence of work this semester to deal with what comes with her. And I'm afraid she's going to be wheelchair-bound. To reverse a popular saying: more problems, more money. 

I do not want to live to be 85. I have no kids to help me in my dotage, and my husband will likely be unable to help me (or me him). Fuck it all. 

[Happyfatchick]

Sew, I can't believe she still is in Assisted Living.  Good grief, with all the falls and fractures she obviously needs more secure care management.  Can she not be moved to full care?  Admittedly, I don't know how this works, but it seems as though if she's in assisted care, she could justifiably be loaded up and moved to the building across the street.  The one where Assisted Living people go when they get to the end of the "assisted" phase.  I'm sure you've said before, but share again what keeps that from happening.  Is she sound enough to refuse to move? Is it cost prohibitive?  

Just the very thought of being at that place in life gives me the willies.  Especially if her mind is sound.  

I want to say this, but even in my head, the words are smashing against each other and don't sound right.  I tell someone at least once a day I do not want to be my mother at the end.  I do not.  The thing is, at my current age, looking over that horizon, I can clearly see that isn't something I ever want my children to see - and yet I know that when I get there, I'll fight to keep going.  We are hard wired to fight for life.  Sitting here lucid [somebody just snorted, I heard that!] and saying "don't let me go there" is very different than actually being there.  I've said many times, if my mother could have seen her protracted illness and very painful death from MY age, she would have said, "what the heck?!?!? Don't let me do that!!!  Let me GO already!"  But it's just so very different being "ready" for the next phase and actually "going" there.   Even in her worst phase of the process, she was fighting to keep going.  I've been missing my mom so so much lately.  My "real" mom, not the sad mess she was at the end.   It's taken me the better part of a year to even be able to recall how hilarious she was, and spontaneous.  And crafty, thrifty, industrious.  I had a really hard time reaching further than the sickness to find my real mom.  I dreamed about her for the first time about two weeks ago.  And now, in my head, I can hear her voice in a pleasant way.  

I know this sounds crazy (and maybe a little suicidal, although I truly am not).  Getting old is definitely not for wusses.  @Sew Sumi, I hope you find a place to lay down some of your burdens.  Everybody has times when their plates are full and still there's more to take on.  It's just so much not fun when it's YOU.  Try to think to yourself that it won't always be this way.  

So I'll tell you a story to brighten your mood.  We went to an antique store today and just as we were leaving, I heard someone saying "could someone help me out of this chair please?"  And it's not funny (maybe a little tiny bit funny) but there was this frail old man (85-90ish) who's wife had gone to fetch their car and had told him to meet her at the curb.  Except now she's at the curb waiting and he's stuck in a chair.  (I know, I'm going to hell for laughing.  I'd take myself to the prayer closet, but...).   So of course I rush up to help him, and I swear, this fellow was 6'5 if he was an inch.  And...I'm not.  My name could very easily be shorthappyftchick.  So here I am, tossing my purse aside, getting the "patient" grip on Elderly Goliath, hauling him out of the chair.  And then I looked back at the chair and that's when it got funny.  It's an antique store.  Elderly Goliath had taken a seat in one of those low-boy red velvet chairs, and there was too much of him to get back up.  Meanwhile, Mother Goliath is looking at him from the curb wondering why he's taking so long.  Presumably, he'd been working at getting off his little red velvet throne since she left the store 10 minutes earlier.  I told my daughter this story, and she said "once upon a time a Great Dane got stuck in a chair, and the only person to help him up was the Boston Terrier behind him..."

[Micks Picks]

Arwen I don't know why less intrusive tests for our bodies are not done.  Somebody must have a better way.  Come on we spend a lot on medicine, let's gets better testing far less intrusive to the patient.

HFC  Better believe I'm a Jesse fan.  After all, it's Water's world, and we're in it.  Has his own show on the weekend for an hour. Are people really that clueless?  Yes, they are.

[Micks Picks]

Good god HFC, I'd be howling with laughter while the situation was going on.  I laugh so hard I can hardly breathe and that's at the very same time as the disaster.  I know people look at me, like what is the freak laughing at, this is so sad.

Sew, gotcha girl.  See the thing is you can't just die when you want to, or when things get too tough.  Both the self and the carer, if there is one, are stuck.  I went for a regular dr appt last week and the doc said what happened with the vascular surgeon, and I said they called and said to get a blood test at a special lab and then they'd do the surgery w/i 30 days, and I got freaked and thought ok so I just put off the blood test so I don't start the 30 day clock.  Which is stupid.  So the doc says Oh dear you have anxiety, and ran out out the rom only to return with this booklet for end of life paperwork to complete.  Oh say it isn't so, you know you have a cowardly basket case in there so you bring her end of life stuff?  And like you, I have no one to make decisions for me.  Just give me Mazeratti care until I can't do for myself anymore, and then make me go away.  No rest home for me.  Part time carer at home, ok, nothing beyond that. I've been the carer for a long time and fought, really fought the good fight.  But I got nobody.  My relative, a sister, was so nasty to me about my intestinal surgery, pneumonia and even my near blindness, just really aggressive nasty, and she went into hosptial on  Dec 23, realeased on the 24th, home getting really sick for 10 days.  When everybody got back from skiing, she was seen by surgeon who realized she nicked her intestine  by acciden t  during initial cancer surgery on the 23rd.  So on Jan 4 or 5 she also gets some of her intestine removed, just like me.  I think now she has some realization she was a bitch to me, and sometimes shit happens and it isn't your fault.  But I'll never trust her again, and she now only gets less than 50% of my loot when I croak.  She is now is recovery center and trying to break out of there and go home with a nurse.  I hope she see's now that her behavior sucked big time.  And I just couldn't bring myself to give her any of the snark she gave me as payback.  I just could not do it.  She has big drain attached to her stomach to push out infection, she can't pee anymore naturally because she became cath dependent (it will return, but just not yet).  

I am old enogh to see that I don't have much time left and live in dread of a fall and break.  Not seeing well at all is a bitch.  Tired of pain.  Oh well, got a new yoga dvd ordered to change up my stretching exercise a bit.  Doc said don't fall, so got to get balance.  But I only have about 4 hours a day max that I can get things done now.  That's it.  I don't want to die, but I don't want to be in a home.  No way, no how.  The body just won't fold it up at the right time.  But I know a woman who routinely at 85+ drives across the country, and will do so again this year.    Great.  May we all thrive.

[lookeyloo]

@Micks Picks - you have a lot to contend with and none of it is easy.  I wish we were closer.  I am a good friend when it comes to someone needing help other than nursing care.  But that being said, you have expressed what a lot of us feel/will feel/are going through.  With sickness/incapacitation/future re: end of life.  And like @Happyfatchick said, we don't want to go through all of that, but, we don't want to die either.  At least I think that's what she said! Such a dilemma.  We have been going through just a bit of all of this since Mr. lookeyloo's stroke.  Life definitely changed for us and although he is doing a nice job of recovering, things will never be quite the same.  I also have the fear of falling, since my osteoporosis is progressing nicely, thanks to the drug I take to ward off the breast cancer.  What will become of us? Which one will get to that point first?  Will we really "pull the plug"  Will one or both of us change our minds?  How much money will this cost?  Do we have enough?  I'm thinking No.  We have wills in the works in this state since ones from other state are useless the attorney tells us, which we already knew.  I have teased my children that my goal in life is to become a burden up on my children in my old age, but, really, I do not mean that.  Lucky for us at this point, the sons are friends with each other, talk regularly, none of the relatives so far are a problem, but we know how fast that could change.  I tell ya, getting old (or having issues) isn't for sissies, is it?  

[Jynnan tonnix]

I'm in the same boat re aging parents/inlaws....Will post a more complete update later, but have to be out of the door for an overdue oil change in the car in a few minutes...

[Happyfatchick]

Yes, Lookey, that's exactly what I was trying to say.  When we're NOT actively dying, we can sign that living will and know we mean it.  When we "need" that living will, our brain says...no wait...I'm not there yet!!!  We are truly hard wired for fighting to live, no matter what we rationalize to be true when we aren't dying.  And @Sew Sumi, it suuuuuuuuucks to be the one in charge of that for someone else.  And @Jynnan tonnix, yours is the most difficult road ever.  When I read what you're going through, it makes me feel I had a walk in the park and didn't even know it.  @lookeyloo, I am so so relieved and happy that things are getting better at your house.  May the road continue to get easier to navigate!  As for @Micks Picks, I love you so much.  I love to see your posts and I'm so glad you're feeling more like posting.  For awhile there, you were scarce and We get so worried when you don't write.  Happy Monday everyone!  Advice for the day: don't sit in low chairs.

[Absolom]

Having been down this road in the same state as Sew Sumi (and three other states as well), what we have here is independent living, assisted living, and then a branch to either nursing home or memory care.  There is, of course, hospital care but that is acute not long term.  To go into nursing home care which is very expensive, it has to be determined by a medical professional.  The person must need skilled nursing care pretty much daily.  Memory care means the person has dementia or some other memory deficit and is a locked unit so not an option people are anxious to use.  In assisted living at all eight, yes eight, facilities I toured there are levels of care offered in various ways.  One was by moving the person from building to building.  Others it's moving from one floor to a different floor or wing. Others such as where my mom is, it's simply signing up for more services.  Some offer more and better services than others.  Where my mom is people, unless they need memory care or have to leave to a nursing home, stay in the same room and just move up the chart until they hit silver or gold level care which are two basically all inclusive levels one including meals in the room.  So basically assisted living is the full care option unless the person requires a skilled nursing facility or memory care.  If this were my mother and it is happening to a friend's mother at the same facility where mom is, they worked with her doctor and she was escorted to and from meals and activities with her walker.  She's over 100 now and recently the doctor said it's time to just put her in a wheelchair. 

[Arwen Evenstar]

Oh you guys, big hugs to all of you dealing with decisions for elderly parents. I was watching a documentary on PBS about Alzheimer's care and the rising costs. Life insurance policies become something of a ripoff after a given length of time, but if that policy means the surviving spouse is left with some money to pay for their elderly care, then it might be worth continuing.

Many of my extended family members I'm told have survived into their 90s and several of them were reported to have received more than one 100+ card from Queen Elizabeth.  My grandparents on my mom's side lived in an old manor house that was repurposed as a retirement home at the bequest of the owner. This was in the U.K., so I'm sure the NHS covered most of these costs. My grandmother on my dad's side had early onset Alzheimer's so no doubt that wasn't cheap. Again covered by Her Majesty's government.  Pretty much anything here is "pay to play" and the costs amount easily to 100K plus a year, and this is for far from country club accommodations.  Anywhere else is full of understaffed, underpaid employees where no one would want to leave a loved one unless they had no other choice. I feel for all of you.

Fortunately, my mom is 76 and spry and independent. I'm thankful every day for that.  There will come a time when she will become less so, but I hope that's a long way off.  No way to know, because none of us is promised tomorrow and we don't get a choice in how it all plays out.

[Jynnan tonnix]

9 hours ago, Happyfatchick said:

Yes, Lookey, that's exactly what I was trying to say.  When we're NOT actively dying, we can sign that living will and know we mean it.  When we "need" that living will, our brain says...no wait...I'm not there yet!!!  We are truly hard wired for fighting to live, no matter what we rationalize to be true when we aren't dying.  And @Sew Sumi, it suuuuuuuuucks to be the one in charge of that for someone else.  And @Jynnan tonnix, yours is the most difficult road ever.  When I read what you're going through, it makes me feel I had a walk in the park and didn't even know it.  @lookeyloo, I am so so relieved and happy that things are getting better at your house.  May the road continue to get easier to navigate!  As for @Micks Picks, I love you so much.  I love to see your posts and I'm so glad you're feeling more like posting.  For awhile there, you were scarce and We get so worried when you don't write.  Happy Monday everyone!  Advice for the day: don't sit in low chairs.

I do appreciate those supportive words, HFC, but in reality I think I actually have it far easier than many others in the same circumstances. The issues with my mother-in-law are more or less taken care of, and as long as her house sells within a reasonable period of time she will be able to afford to stay where she is now until Medicare takes over (she has to be able to pay for it herself for about two more years), and since she is in New Jersey, close to where a chunk of the family is still living, they have finally come around a bit and are doing some share of what needs to be done. My husband shouldered the massive part of that burden since early last summer himself, though, driving back and forth with her between  Connecticut and Delaware, taking her to all her doctor's appointments, and having her stay with us for weeks at a clip (OK, I had to do some work there, too, but it mostly wasn't anything too difficult), getting her house in Delaware all cleaned out and ready to put on the market...I couldn't help him with those things, though, because I had to be at home to help my parents, though they were, for the most part in reasonably stable, if not great health, particularly Dad, and many days I didn't have to do a whole lot. I could have done a whole lot more yard work, too, but it was just toooo HOT!

Plus I'm lucky enough that I don't work outside the home, so there wasn't the stress of trying to fit all that into a hectic work schedule.

When my husband accepted the job in Virginia things got a bit more difficult on the one hand, but also easier since my schedule was almost completely my own, but it was then that my parents started having more health issues. As I mentioned in the past, my dad went back to the hospital a week or so before Christmas, then entered the rehab facility just in time for Mom to suddenly develop sky-high blood pressure which landed her in the hospital as well, so I was doing a lot of driving back and forth between them. For a few days afterward they were actually in the same rehab, then when Mom went home I mostly moved in with her for a couple of weeks (just bopping home for a couple of hours a day to bring in the mail, feed the cat, etc), during which time they were still fighting to get her blood pressure under reasonable control (one of the days her visiting nurse came to check her, it was something like 200/114, which landed her in the ER again), drove her to her appointments, did her errands and cooking, etc, while we prepared for Dad to come home, which he did last week, but in a Hospice situation. That does give Mom a couple of different nurses who come over most days to help her with him, plus she has just hired a nice Polish woman (my parents are both from Poland) to be there 24/7 for a little while so I actually got to come home and spend the night in my own house for a couple days, and reassure the cat that she hadn't been abandoned...Which is a nice respite for me, but she still has the stress of caring for Dad full-time, because no matter how much help she has, she is still doing the lion's share just because that's who she is. It's giving her panic attacks, and she barely gets any sleep, and SHE is the one who deserves the words of support. Me, not quite as much...

[Absolom]

Ah, I think the Medicare people are talking about paying for long term care is Medicaid.  It will kick in when resources drop to a low level, if the monthly income is low enough.

[emma675]

I wish I could win the lottery and pay for wonderful care for everyone in here dealing with aging parents and aging themselves. My maternal grandmother had Alzheimer's and luckily my mom is showing no signs of it so far (she's in her late 60's), so I'm both hopeful and scared that it will skip a generation. But that would mean I would end up with it.

Anytime I can't remember something or forget a word I have a little panic attack, thinking "is this the start of it". I did a genetic test and I have a gene mutation that can indicate I'm more at risk for it, but it doesn't mean that I will get it. I think there's even another test that can tell if you will end up with Alzheimer's, but I just don't want to know. I'm too scared. I'm not married and don't have kids, so I have to make sure I have plans in place myself to take care of myself. I have a younger brother, and heaven knows I love him, but that kid is not going to be able to make the kinds of decisions that will need to be made. On the plus side, I have always taken care of him and protected him so maybe this will be evening things out, lol!

[Jynnan tonnix]

36 minutes ago, Absolom said:

Ah, I think the Medicare people are talking about paying for long term care is Medicaid.  It will kick in when resources drop to a low level, if the monthly income is low enough.

Oops...yes, that's what I meant.

[Happyfatchick]

Alzheimer's is rampant in my family, although allegedly the only kind of Alz that is hereditary is early onset, and that's not us.  @emma675, I read that post over and over, as it is my BIGGEST fear in life.  Do I want to know???  

[Arwen Evenstar]

2 hours ago, Happyfatchick said:

Alzheimer's is rampant in my family, although allegedly the only kind of Alz that is hereditary is early onset, and that's not us.  @emma675, I read that post over and over, as it is my BIGGEST fear in life.  Do I want to know???  

It would be my biggest fear too. I dread Alzheimer's far more than hereditary cancer.

I tested for a mutation that nobody knows enough about that puts me at higher risk for breast cancer and 15%risk for pancreatic cancer. No one in my family that we've been aware of have had either, but everyone who's had cancer has had it somewhere else. It doesn't mean I'll get either or any of them in my family, but armed with this advance notice, it gives me some more information to insist on baselines.  I see it as getting a 15  to 20 plus years head start.

My dad was gone in 6 months, and he was asymptomatic for stomach cancer until it was too late once they found it.  I know he would have liked to have been able to know so he could have been able to benefit from early detection.  My gastro doc's eyes looked like saucers when I told him about my dad. He ordered an upper GI without question and an endoscopic ultrasound as well for the pancreatic concern to get a baseline.

In my experience and my own opinion, I feel it is better to know. After seeing how sick my dad was, I know I don't want to suffer the same way. I want to make sure I get to do all the things I want to do while I still can.

I can start working on my bucket list, make sure my will and finances are in order and final wishes are known by my family. My siblings also get a head start. So many other reason why...nobody wants to get blindsided. I may live to be 100, but there's no way to know.

[bigskygirl]

Speaking of which...One of my uncles is going in Friday to see where he has blockage in his heart. Five out of six kids in my dad's family with heart problems (his oldest sister died from breast cancer in December 1982.) His dad died from a heart attack or stroke in 1975, and his mom died from a blood clot in her brain? in 1983. She had at least one procedure where they removed plaque in her neck due to blockage, and she also had some form of digestive problems also. My dad had a heart attack and also deals with stomach problems. Of course, his alcoholism, smoking, family history and bad diet plays a role in it, but it makes me nervous. My tests came back with no signs of heart disease, heart damage and no blocked coronary arteries, but I still not stop feeling a little scared.

[Arwen Evenstar]

44 minutes ago, bigskygirl said:

Speaking of which...One of my uncles is going in Friday to see where he has blockage in his heart. Five out of six kids in my dad's family with heart problems (his oldest sister died from breast cancer in December 1982.) His dad died from a heart attack or stroke in 1975, and his mom died from a blood clot in her brain? in 1983. She had at least one procedure where they removed plaque in her neck due to blockage, and she also had some form of digestive problems also. My dad had a heart attack and also deals with stomach problems. Of course, his alcoholism, smoking, family history and bad diet plays a role in it, but it makes me nervous. My tests came back with no signs of heart disease, heart damage and no blocked coronary arteries, but I still not stop feeling a little scared.

Glad your heart tests came back showing no signs of disease or damage. That's always good news. Rejoice!

However, anyone suffering from any systemic illness like thyroid or diabetes or any autoimmune disorder, can be at higher risk for a host of other conditions. That said, nobody really has any guarantees when it comes to medicine. Checkups are so vital.

[bigskygirl]

10 minutes ago, Arwen Evenstar said:

Glad your heart tests came back showing no signs of disease or damage. That's always good news. Rejoice!

However, anyone suffering from any systemic illness like thyroid or diabetes or any autoimmune disorder, can be at higher risk for a host of other conditions. That said, nobody really has any guarantees when it comes to medicine. Checkups are so vital.

Which is why I still believe to this day the bad reaction I had when I first started taking the one thyroid medication I am on now, being on too high of a dosage for almost two years, and the radiation from the treatment did a major number on me. I do remember feeling like crap before and for a short time after I was diagnosed with Graves Disease, but nothing like I feel like right now. Sorry for sounding like a broken record, but a patient needs to be their own advocate unless they are unable to speak for themselves, do research, not to be afraid to ask questions, and feel comfortable with their healthcare provider(s.)

[Happyfatchick]

My granddaughter Paige wants a perler frame that's diagonal so she can do some designs that won't work with the frames we have.  She reminds me yesterday, and then sits with her hands in her lap expectantly.  I don't understand.  We don't have one - what am I supposed to do?  Finally she explains:
Paige: get one in a box
Me: what box?
Paige: it comes from a store but it's just in a box
Me: ?
Paige: a BROWN box
Me: what are you TALKING about???
Paige: you do something on your iPad and they bring it to you
Me:  oh!  You mean ORDER it?
Paige:  yes.  On your iPad. You just find it and click it and the men bring it right to your door.

[Arwen Evenstar]

Too cute!

[lookeyloo]

That is very cute, @Happyfatchick.  Update on Mr. lookeyloo.  He went to a chinese acupuncturist that my son researched and is also going to, and comes highly rated/recommended by I don't know who.  Anyway, Mr. lookeyloo still has a bad taste in his mouth (he told me one of his blood pressure drugs metabolizes in the liver, in a certain way, but I tune him out when he starts talking in chemical reactions, etc) , has those chills (no fever) very occasionally, and has a shaky hand.  The acupuncturist explained that for the shaky hand, to be expected as the brain rewires itself after the stroke.  The other conditions could be related to a liver that is "off".  Gave him some chinese supplements that we cleared with his sister, the vet, who knows her way around these things, says can't harm him, might help.  All his many different blood tests are very normal, which to me is only partially comforting.  I'm still not sure his odd mycobacterium infection from his bypass surgery isn't acting up, and who knows whats really going on in his liver.  I will never give up worrying, I guess.  Other than those things, he looks and feels pretty good.  

[Love2dance]

3 hours ago, Happyfatchick said:

My granddaughter Paige wants a perler frame that's diagonal so she can do some designs that won't work with the frames we have.  She reminds me yesterday, and then sits with her hands in her lap expectantly.  I don't understand.  We don't have one - what am I supposed to do?  Finally she explains:
Paige: get one in a box
Me: what box?
Paige: it comes from a store but it's just in a box
Me: ?
Paige: a BROWN box
Me: what are you TALKING about???
Paige: you do something on your iPad and they bring it to you
Me:  oh!  You mean ORDER it?
Paige:  yes.  On your iPad. You just find it and click it and the men bring it right to your door.

She's absolutely right.

Just like when you want money, you go to the ATM, and it magically drops in your hands!

[Happyfatchick]

We are buying my parents home (the house that Daddy built).  We're moving.  I'm not exactly thrilled to be moving, but I am having a good time remodeling that little brick shoe box.  And it's going to work out.  It's going to be mostly paid for with the sale of the one we live in and the note is very low.  I feel some travel in my future!  But for now, i have my grands at least 3 days a week, still have my embroidery business with 40 seats due in Monday, and I'm the QUEEN of finding treasures and refinishing them - so my garage is full of "stuff" in process of refinishing.  Yesterday I took an old oak bookshelf (plain as an old shoe!) that Daddy built and completely transformed it with trim.  I'm not done.  It will be a dish cabinet for open dish storage in place of Mama's China cabinet.  (THANK YOU PINTEREST AND YOUTUBE!)

I also have (currently in garage) a 2 piece China cabinet that I bought for nothing (Craigslist) that has an open front (with shelving).  I'm removing the middle shelf (or shelves, haven't decided) for a TV cabinet and it needs to be painted as well.  And I haven't started in Mama's house yet.  I want at least ONE room completed before I move there.

im not complaining - I'm doing THE DANCE...CHA-CHA-CHA!!!

[zoomama]

HFC -- thats so fun. moving sucks, lets be honest, but in your case, its gonna be wonderful. 

[Happyfatchick]

It does suck, no other way to put it.  And if you move and divorce at the same time, you cover the top two stress causing factors in the world.  I lost 40 lbs doing that once, and nobody ever offered me a commercial.

the Divorce Diet

Edited February 2, 2017 by Happyfatchick

[Arwen Evenstar]

2 hours ago, Happyfatchick said:

It does suck, no other way to put it.  And if you move and divorce at the same time, you cover the top two stress causing factors in the world.  I lost 40 lbs doing that once, and nobody ever offered me a commercial.

the Divorce Diet

The Unemployment Diet also works pretty well.

[lookeyloo]

2 hours ago, Happyfatchick said:

It does suck, no other way to put it.  And if you move and divorce at the same time, you cover the top two stress causing factors in the world.  I lost 40 lbs doing that once, and nobody ever offered me a commercial.

the Divorce Diet

I did that once too and add in a thyroid condition and I was dropping so much weight everyone noticed.  What a mess.  

[Jynnan tonnix]

Well, Dad passed away early this morning....Or, yesterday morning, I guess, since it's appreciably past midnight now. 

Mom feels rather guilty because she had him moved to a hospice facility the day before, although he had wanted to die at home, but it had just gotten to be too difficult to move him without risking a fall. If we'd known he had less than a day left, we would certainly have let him be, but the estimates on how much time he had ranged from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, and there was just no way to tell...So no one was with him. But I guess trying to second-guess all your decisions doesn't really do anyone any good.

In any case, if it's ok, I'd like to share his obituary, which I just sent to the funeral home a little earlier this evening. Names redacted. But his was such a fascinating life that I thought you might enjoy reading even the completely abridged version of it. He could have and, in fact did write a book on his family going back some five generations. Self-published thus far, and still in need of some serious editing, but maybe we'll get it out there someday.

********** ****** ******, 85, passed away peacefully Feb 3, 2017.

He was born in Poland in 1931, the third son in a military family, and lived there until, with his father away during the war, he was deported to Siberia along with his mother and brothers. After the death of his mother, and the loss of his father in the Katyn Massacre, the two younger brothers found themselves taken in by a Polish orphanage in India, where they lived for five years.

Eventually the three brothers reunited in England, where ***** met the love of his life, his wife of 60 years, ****** (*******). They had a daughter, *****, and remained in England while he pursued a career in Electrical Engineering. In 1969 this brought him to the USA, when he was offered a position with Northeast Utilities where he worked until his retirement.

He was also very active in Polish Scouting for most of his life, joining during his days in India and later becoming a leader, organizing and running camps for young scouts for 37 years, eventually holding one of the highest positions Nationwide within the organization. In more recent years he scaled back his involvement, but his heart was ever a  part of it and he continued those ties unto the end.

Besides his wife and daughter,  and her husband, he is survived by (etc...)

In lieu of flowers donations to the Polish Scouting Organization may be sent to ********

[Love2dance]

@Jynnan tonnix, so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your dad's history with us. That is quite a fascinating story, especially his childhood. A self made man, for sure. May his memories comfort you and your mom. Hugs!

[kathe5133]

So sorry Jynnan Tonnix.  I had a close friend who did a lot of hospice work.  She told me that most of the time people are alone when they die. She didn't know what to attribute this to.....  if that gives you any comfort.  I think you did the right thing with the hospice though.  I know everyone says they want to die at home, but the reality of taking care of a full grown, terminally ill person makes that almost impossible.  If they truly knew what it entailed they wouldn't have expressed the desire.  Safe trips to the bathroom and just basic hygiene care is too much for most loved ones, and it is best handled by professionals.  He died in a clean bed in a safe environment.  He was at peace, he wouldn't have let go if he wasn't.  My sympathies to you and your family.  It is a rough time. 

[Jeeves]

@Jynnan tonnix, thank you for sharing your dad's story. I'm so sorry that you've lost him, and as @Love2dance said, hope that you and your family are comforted by your many memories. I agree with @kathe5133 about the hospice; please don't second-guess that decision. Based on some experiences in my family, I'm on board with the idea that he may have needed to be somewhere where he could "let go" and leave. 

Now on a less exalted subject, from the "Bachelor Pad" topic in "Counting On." About Derick's mysterious retching/vomiting, and the scary possibility that it could be a symptom of something that would result in an aortic dissection:

23 hours ago, mbutterfly said:

Isn't that also a possibility for people with Marfan's? It is scary. 

 

20 hours ago, Arwen Evenstar said:

Yes it is. I saw such a case on Dr G, Medical Examiner. A pregnant woman near term with her 3rd child died suddenly. Dr G noticed she has unusually long limbs and fingers and toes..not freakishly long and she was rather normal in appearance. It's on a spectrum, and not all people have obvious symptoms. I suspected one of my former coworkers of having it. She reminded me of Olive Oyl wrt her proportions, and had problems with her feet and balance and had had prior jaw surgeries and braces more than once..Sweet lady;hope she didn't have it. She could have merely been very slender and not particularly graceful, and she took care of herself.

I don't recall if this lady on Dr G was ever properly diagnosed or was even  unaware of such a complication if she knew.  It's how I became aware of it. Until I saw that program, I had no idea such a condition existed.  That was when Discovery Network actually showed educational programs.

Marfan Syndrome (aka Marfan's) was discovered in a family I know, almost 20 years ago. Husband, wife, grown kids. All of them very tall. the wife was diagnosed late in life - after they'd aggressively pursued a diagnosis for painful and puzzling symptoms. Which turned out to be caused by defective connective tissue. Then, she had emergency surgery to repair her aorta, which literally saved her life. She still suffered from other Marfan related problems and died a few years ago. She was a sweetheart, and such a loss. After her diagnosis, one of their adult kids was found passed out at home. The hospital called his parents (who lived in another city) when he was admitted, and his dad was able to tell them there was a serious potential for aortic dissection. Which saved his life, because they found that the aorta was damaged but hadn't blown yet, and they repaired it.

EDITED to add: In that family, the parents and their kids were/are all quite tall, but IMO none of them look strangely-proportioned. Just in case anyone thinks that only people who look somehow kind of freakishly tall/skinny can have Marfan Syndrome. Not true. Also, in case I wasn't clear about the family I discussed, the husband doesn't have Marfan's but his wife did and at least one of their kids does. Also, Marfan's is most often a genetic inheritance, but there are also "spontaneous mutations" - maybe 1 in 5 cases. 

@Arwen Evenstar, I recently saw that old episode of Dr. G you mentioned. IIRC the woman's mother indicated that she [the young pregnant woman who died] was told as a teenager about Marfan's, which left Dr. G. puzzled and frustrated that she wouldn't disclose that to her OB-GYN during her pregnancies so they could monitor her. After seeing its toll on a family, I believe Marfan's is nothing to mess with. Sigh.

Edited February 5, 2017 by Jeeves

[crazycatlady58]

Jynnan Tonnnix, I am so sorry  for  your  loss . He sounds  like he had a very full life. Hopefully  you can edit his book and republish  it. May His  Memory  be  Eternal . 

[lookeyloo]

@Jynnan tonnix -I am so sorry to hear about your father.  Beautiful obit.  What an interesting life. And as others have said, please don't second guess the hospice decision.  

[Arwen Evenstar]

@Jynnan tonnix, so sorry for the loss of your dad.  Big hugs, much love, and may your memories comfort you. His life was definitely one of many interesting twists and turns. Thanks for sharing his obituary.  I know he enjoyed the Polish Christmas tradition one last time and it meant the world to him. 

i further echo the sentiment of the poster who had the comforting words about second guessing. It's hard not to, but none of us has any way to know. Your dad knew he was much loved, and he gave and received much love in his lifetime, served others, and brought joy to many.

[ginger90]

@JYNNAN TONNIX I'm so sorry for your loss.

[BitterApple]

Jynnan, I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

[bigskygirl]

@Jynnan tonnix I am so sorry for your loss. {{{HUGS}}} for you and your family.

[Ownedbydogs]

Jynnan Tonnix:  I am so sorry for your loss.  You and your family are in my thoughts.

[Sew Sumi]

@Jynnan tonnix I am so sorry for your loss. ((((hugs))))Your dad led an amazing life. My dad's hospice situation was similar, except that we moved him from a hospital to home. He passed that same evening, in the same spot where my mother had passed four years before. He knew he was terminal; he just wanted to be home.

[zoomama]

JYNNAN TONNIX ~~  thinking of you. 

[emma675]

Jynnan Tonnix, I'm so sorry for your loss and please don't second guess your family's decision to move him to hospice. I've had two family members pass away in hospice and it is truly one of the most comfortable, peaceful, safe places for people at the end. The people who work their are truly angels on earth.

[Happyfatchick]

@Jynnan tonnix, I'm so sorry about your dad.  There is no one quite like your dad if he did his job on earth - sort of a cornerstone, you never quite get over the absence.  

About him leaving while he was alone - you just never know when the tape is going to run out.  Many people have said to me over the years that they felt like their loved one held out intentionally so they could leave alone. Actually, I'm a little surprised my own Daddy didn't do that, as he tended to be pretty private.  Don't beat yourself up about it.

my heart is with you through the next few surreal days (the ones your brain won't really let you remember so that cousin Bobby Earl will be there with his RV parked out back but six months from now when someone mentions him, you'll say "I saw him??").  I wish you peace.  

[Barb23]

Jynnan Tonnix - So sorry for your loss.  Thank you for sharing his obituary with us.  Hugs & prayers to you & your family.

[jcbrown]

Jynnan tonnix, I'm so sorry for your loss and join others in saying please don't second-guess your decision to move him to hospice.

We just got back from the chilly Midwest where we did some Medicaid planning, met with a financial advisor, visited the neurologist with Dad, all the fun stuff. He has now been referred to a neuro-ophthalmologist for possible Charles Bonnet Syndrome, though there is still possible dementia, as well. My sister holds his financial POA and has let his bank account get so low that he is now bouncing payments to his in-home care provider, which has caused the rates to increase. Terrific. I offered to take the financial POA (I live 2500 miles away, which is why he gave it to her) but he is conflict-averse and does not want to upset the dysfunctional apple-cart. My sister is bad at adulting, which is one thing, but nearly bankrupting our father? Words fail me. At least, non-profane words.

[GeeGolly]

@Jynnan tonnix, so sorry for your loss.

[CherryMalotte]

Jynnan, I am really sorry, please accept my condolences.  I'm having good thoughts for you and your mother.   Tell your mother that there should be no guilt in the hospice option, she would have felt worse if you had taken him home and he'd not been able to get the physical help that he needed.  I'm so glad hospice could be there for my mother, because there was no way my father was going to be any help to her in her final couple of days.  Hospice care truly is wonderful, whether it's for a day or months.   

[Happyfatchick]

I too am a big hospice fan.  To the point that, if I had even one second of time to call my own, I would volunteer. I think it's The bomb.  I am so so so grateful we had that option available for us.  The sitter (my cousin) who lived in with my mom would have been out of her mind without hospice.  Of course, I was there at least 12 hrs a day too, but I did nights because it was more comfortable for us all to have "eyes-on" at all times.  It's just so SCARY, and such a comfort to know they are always lurking.  Sometimes they were there round the clock if we had an incident - but otherwise they came to bathe her and suggest alternate kinds of care.  When it was terrifying at the end, they were on the phone constantly, answering questions and offering comfort and guidance.  We picked the hard road because that's what my parents wanted, and what we felt we had to do, but we never felt like we were out on a limb alone.  

On another note: who's watching the super bowl, and who do you like?  Obviously we're all about the Falcons - but Ima admit in out little group (I'm whispering) I'm not only not really a fair weather fan, I'm not a fan.  I don't "hate" football, but I don't bother with it.  I haven't seen a game all season, not even the playoffs,. And yet... we're hosting a big fat super bowl party.  How does this happen???

who IS it who has the obnoxious, damanding father and the dissociated mother?  I was thinking that was Jynnan Tonix:  obviously I have my characters mixed up.  

Edited February 5, 2017 by Happyfatchick

[Arwen Evenstar]

6 minutes ago, Happyfatchick said:

n another note: who's watching the super bowl, and who do you like?  Obviously we're all about the Falcons - but Ima admit in out little group (I'm whispering) I'm not only not really a fair weather fan, I'm not a fan.  I don't "hate" football, but I don't bother with it.  I haven't seen a game all season, not even the playoffs,. And yet... we're hosting a big fat super bowl party.  How does this happen???

HFC, I feel the same way that you do about the Super Bowl. Being that both the Cowboys and Texans aren't in it, I'd like to see the Falcons win, since NE denied Houston further advancement.   

Im all about the commercials and an excuse to indulge in some good food.. By good, I mean healthy versions of finger foods and plenty of fruit and veg...and mango daiquiris. Just me and Mr E.

[Happyfatchick]

Haha!!!  Arwen, if pizza burgers and wings equals healthy, I guess we're fine.  There will be beer too (I'm sure of it!) but I won't drink that, so I guess I'm calling it healthy.  ?