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AHS Quotes

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One of the best things about American Horror Story is the dialogue, such as Dandy's line from the "Monsters & Massacres" episode of Freak Show that he was going to search for "real caramel corn."

 

And who could forget Jessica Lange's line to the maid from Murder House: "Don't make me kill you-again."

 

Put your favorite quotes here-if you dare.

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Dandy to Twisty:

"Your silence is utterly provocative."

Also,

"You'll (or was it WE?) have to do a better job of confinement if we're going to have any fun."

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"Can you imagine those poor Salem witches, traveling all the way down here in covered wagons without a proper charcuterie platter or a bidet? Absolutely savage!"

 

Myrtle had the absolute best lines that season.

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I'm of the opinion that Coven was a disappointing mess, but damn if it didn't have the best lines.

 

Cordelia: What is that thing? It's hideous and weird.
Myrtle: Don't be a hater, dear. It's a theremin.

 

Fiona: What the hell is going on in here?

Madison: Miss Aryan Sisterhood came between Queenie and her food.

 

Fiona: Your powers, you've been feeling them growing?
Madison: Yeah, like crazy.
Fiona: Have you ever wondered why?
Madison: Uh, apart from my being awesome?

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From Murder House:

Constance to Moira: I also remember, every time I see that ghostly eye, that I was – and continue to be – a hell of a shot.

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Regina: I'm feeling really uncomfortable, so I'm going to go now.

 

Desiree: What about my dingaling?

 

Ma Petit: Miss Elsa, they are so beautiful!

Elsa: Yes. Just like you. Now, fold for Mommy.

 

Del: There is nothing worse than the hurt of loving someone that you can't have.

 

***

 

Fiona Goode: You're missing the point. The point is in this whole wide wicked world the only thing you have to be afraid of is me.

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Gloria Mott:  "I brought you snackies! I have RC Cola too!"

 

It's official, I have fallen madly in love with Gloria Mott--well anything Frances Conroy has done =)

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Gardener: You only need 18 inches for narcissus, and we're at 12 feet!

Gloria: These are special bulbs from Holland! Please do not question me!

 

Sometimes I just love the bizarre phrasing, which tends to appear throughout the various seasons.

 

Chloe Sevigny in Asylum : "Paris, France!" :: Gabourey Sidibe in Freak Show : "The Barbizon Secretarial School in New York City."

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Dandy and Gloria discussing her being married to her 2nd cousin (Dandy's father):

 

 

Dandy (with disdain):   "We're like the Roosevelts."

Gloria:  "Don't say that name in this house."

Edited by jnymph
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Myrtle Snow: Madison, you are the worst kind of Hollywood cliché. A bobblehead with crotchless panties.

Madison Montgomery: Yeah? Well, you're a dried up Hot Pocket, but I don't judge.

 

Fiona Goode: This coven doesn't need a new Supreme. It needs a new rug.

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Countess: Your boy has a jawline for days.

 

Countess: And you didn't want to go out tonight.

Donovan: It's not the getting ready. It's the clean-up.

Countess: We'll call housekeeping.

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Kathy Bates hissing "LIES!  The magic box LIES!" is probably my all time favorite line from any season.  A close runner up is "We get it bitch; you're clairvoyant!"  I normally don't like Emma Roberts, but her line reading on that killed me.  

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Iris, to Vendela & Agneta, who were held captive: "Stop your whining, you damn Swedish meatballs!"

 

Will Drake, to The Countess, after turning down her offer of a drink: "I'm on a cleanse."

The Countess: "Not anymore."

 

From "Chutes & Ladders":

 

Donovan, to The Countess: "Let's stay in. We can binge-watch House Of Cards."

 

Liz Taylor, to the fashion reporters: "Skinny jeans are out, fringe is in & ponchos are forever. Make a note of it." Anna Wintour, pay attention.

 

Tristan, to The Countess: "You know what I want? To hunt Kendall Jenner. Bitch blew me off at Coachella." A Kardashian/Jenner woman with good taste in men? That's harder to find than a unicorn.

 

Miss Evers, about her laundry: "What a glorious stain."

 

Iris, to Det. Lowe, after he busted her: "It's been years since a man spun me around like that. If I were a few years younger I might have even enjoyed the cuffs."

 

Sally, after Scarlett ran away: "Kids are the best."

 

Doomed Bearded Hipster, to Tristan & The Countess: "I think you're hot, but vag action is a total deal-breaker for me." And apparently, also a throat-slitter.

Edited by DollEyes
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Dandy Mott: "Amuse me clown!"

Jimmy Darling:"Don't call us freaks!"

Evan Peters...swoon!!

Dell: "There will be paying asses in these seats tonight"

Bette Tattler: "In marvelous technicolor!"

Tate:"You're the only light I've ever known.."

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Tristan, to James Patrick March, the serial-killing ghost: ""Your name is James Patrick March. You were born on October 30th, 1895. You're a Scorpio, which explains a lot. You're the greatest serial killer that's ever lived."

March: "How do you know all this?"

Tristan: "I Googled you."

March: "That sounds obscene."

 

Donovan, to Iris: "I had so much fiber in  my diet, I shit my pants at school."

 

Ramona, to her co-star, after killing him, for ordering her to get on her knees: "I don't get on my knees for no man."

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Elizabeth Taylor's entire takedown of Donovan was brilliant and worthy of quotation, as was Iris's speech to Sally about how she didn't so much want to die as she simply didn't want to live any more. But one Elizabeth Taylor line actually made me giggle.

 

"You don't need talent to be an ac-TOR. Just ask Laurence Harvey."

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John: Yeah there's a problem, that skank up in my room tried to kill me.

 

Liz Taylor: Skank? You'll have to be more specific. 

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Miss Evers: "Those Nordic types have no respect for fresh linens, it's not in their culture. It's a well known fact."

The things you learn from the laundress!

Edited by jnymph

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John Patrick March to the Countess : "Who's the lucky fellow? I'd like to send him some steaks (stakes)!"

Ms. Evers: "how I love the bouquet of rotting flesh"

Liz to John: "looks like that breakdown is going well"

John: Yeah there's a problem, that skank up in my room tried to kill me.

Liz Taylor: Skank? You'll have to be more specific.

LOVED THIS LINE. Liz is the best!

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I lol'd at this exchange:

 

Sally: You telling us to stop telling guests is like Colonel Sanders telling people to stop eating chicken.
James: I'm not familiar with your military friend and his fondness for poultry.

Edited by Mierin
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Violet Harmon: So why'd you keep it a secret?

Tate Langdon: Hi, I'm Tate. I'm dead. Want to hook up? I don't think so.

 

I swear, tate can be scary but he's just the best

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Tate Langdon: The world is a filthy place. It's a filthy goddamn horror show. There's just so much pain, y'know? 

...

Tate: What do you want? 
Constance: I wanted to see you... are you feeling any better? 
[Tate gives no response] 
Constance: Are the visits with the good doctor helping you? 
Tate: Yeah. We're really getting to the root of my problem. Turns out, I hate my mother. 

...

Dr. Arthur Arden: Hello, Mr. Walker. I'm Dr. Arthur Arden. I run this institution. 
Kit Walker: I thought Sister Jude ran this place. 
Dr. Arthur Arden: So does she. 
...

Hypodermic Sally: Oh, come on. You telling people to stop killing is like Colonel Sanders telling us to stop eating chicken. 
James March: I'm not familiar with your military friend and his fondness for poultry, but my killing days are over. 

....

James March: I'm dead dear, not stupid.

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From Season Six, episode One:

RealLee, about RealShelby: "My brother married one jumpy bitch." 

Matt: "The cops are freaking useless. I was 100 miles away and I knew I'd get there before they would." 

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His facial expression when asked "You're not alive, are you?" is just precious and hilarious.

like in his head he is screaming.  "OH NO I JUST DRESS THIS WAY FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES." "No shit Sherlock, what gave it away?" "No and if you dont get out of my house neither will you be,  not that I care just get out before you die,  This is MY HOUSE now feck right off,"

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Gloria in Freak Show: "Excuse me, Clown.  Do you do private parties?"

John Wayne Gacy in Hotel: "I mean, just because you've got 30 bodies in your crawl space don't mean you can't have a really terrific rec room and be a respectable businessman."


Constance from Murder House: "Oh they're not for you.  At your age?  You might as well just krazy glue a stick of butter to your ass."

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My two favorite lines from the pilot of Apocalypse are:

 

They made you think the system was a rock.  It was a water balloon.

 

There are lines that can never be crossed.  Not eating people is of the first rank.

Edited by Chaos Theory
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Evie: I know you have the mental capacity of a three-year-old, but it's ridiculous that you find 52 to be an ancient.

Coco: You were 52 when Elvis took his last shit!

***

The Fist: I ran a nutritional blog before the war. It was really taking off, I think.

***

Venable: You did that?

Gallant: Without a blowdryer. I amaze myself sometimes.

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Myrtle: This place makes Bourbon Street smell like Chanel No. 5.

Queenie: Even in hell, you're still a ho.

Mead: I didn't kill my first husband. I killed my first three.

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John Henry: Stand down, bitch.

 

***

Fiona: We want you witch hunters to stop killing witches. But more importantly, Marie wants a Diet Sprite and a private jet.

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On 10/4/2018 at 12:23 AM, JakeyJokes said:

Mead: I didn't kill my first husband. I killed my first three.

I love the entire exchange there.

Mead: I didn't kill my first husband. I killed my first three.

Michael: That's evil.

Mead: Hell, yeah. I'm a devil mama!

I'm not sure anyone except Kathy Bates could have pulled off that line as well as she did.

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Michael: I guess you haven't noticed the state of the world

Myrtle: Unlike that dinner jacket, at least the world can be saved.

And of course...

I'm the FUCKING Supreme.

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This latest episode was FULL of one liners.  I think Ben won it for me with the 'I have to go stand at the window and cry while I masturbate', followed by Behold calling him the Tearjerker. Honestly Behold and Madison have a great snarky back and forth. 'The counsel obviously sent me because they think I am expendable' 'and I had to put on khakis it's been a bad day for all of us.'

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Constance “I was put on this earth to raise the monsters.”

 

Constance “up until that point I thought I was raising a garden variety serial killer.  Even a gifted one.”

Edited by Chaos Theory
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