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Homeland Quotes

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Saul: If we'd known in 2001 we were staying in Afghanistan this long, we'd have made some very different choices. Right? Instead our planning cycles rarely look more than 12 months ahead. So it hasn't been a fourteen year war we've been waging but a one year war waged fourteen times.

Saul: Wasn't it Trollope who said the best capitalist is someone who's greedy and honest?

Carrie: If it wasn't a wedding, they'd say it was a mosque we hit or an orphanage or a mosque for orphans.

Quinn: No, it's okay. I speak dumbass. What is it?

Lockhart: Pakistan? Why do you even want to go back to that shit hole? It's not even a real country. It's a fucking acronym.

Carrie: Your company provides security, right?
Saul: Total security solutions. I believe that's on the card.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Martha: How'd you know?
Redmond: I'm a spy. I know shit.

Dennis: He was a great guy, Sandy was.
Redmond: I don't know how great he was, but he was alright to drink with.

Martha: There's a theory - men secretly fear their wives are crazy and women secretly fear their husbands are losers.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Boss: Don't be sorry. Be on time. This is Germany.

Mills: He's attacking us.
Allison: Who is? Douchebag?

CIA guy: What would you do?
Quinn: You offering me a promotion?

Quinn: Two minutes to prepare yourself for paradise. Well, two minutes more or less. It's not a very good timer.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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German interviewer: Do you expect any retaliation from the BND?
Laura: I'm sure they're searching my apartment right now.
German interviewer: That doesn't bother you?
Laura: I've gotten used to it. As long as they don't let the cat out.
[cut to Laura's apartment being searched by the BND with the interview playing on the tv]
Astrid: What cat? Did you see a cat?

Sven: Look at [Laura]. She's on tv.
Numan: So?
Sven: So? She's getting rich out of this. Why not us?
Numan: Make money out of sex, not information. Information is for free.

Laura: I'm an American citizen. You have no right to hold me. I want my lawyer. Did you hear me? I want my lawyer.
Astrid: I heard you. You have a loud voice.

Astrid: Laura, do you understand the situation we're in here?
Laura: Yeah, you're in the shit because you broke your own laws.

Laura: You got caught breaking the law. You tried to make it about something else like the terrorist threat, which is what you always do. You're not allowed to spy on your own citizens. It's against the law. It's against the fucking law!

Waleed: I speak English better than your Arabic.

Dar: Don't overdramatize, Allison. Badge of honor taking one for the team.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Carrie: I need your help.
Astrid: I'm not sure slashing my tires is the best way to ask.

Carrie: Thanks.
Astrid: I'm not doing this for you.
Carrie: Yeah, I think we're clear on that.

Quinn: Was [Astrid] able to ID our guy?
Carrie: Not off the top of her head, but she said she'd do some looking for your sake.
Quinn: She likes me. What can I say?
Carrie: Her one redeeming quality as far as I can tell.

Saul: The matter that we discussed at the seder the other night. I need to know the source of your intel.
Etai: You know, a man with a paranoid cast of mind might think that you think we had something to do with bringing down that plane.
Saul: Maybe your source was shopping his wares around to someone else.
Etai: Maybe you should grow a pair of tits and go fuck yourself.

Jonas: You're shaking,
Quinn: I'm just cold.

Quinn: You call ambulance, you condemn [Carrie] to death.
Jonas: I can't just sit here and watch you die.
Quinn: Then fuck off somewhere else.

Quinn: If I'm found like this in a hospital or in a morgue, then Carrie will never be free.
Jonas: You people are out of your fucking minds.
Quinn: You'd do the same if you were me.
Jonas: I would not.
Quinn: For her, you would.
Jonas: No, I would never put myself in that situation.
[Quinn laughs]
Jonas: What? What's so goddamn funny?
Quinn: You're already in that situation.

Quinn: Go away.
Stranger: Only God is permitted to give life and to take life.
Quinn: I said go away.
Stranger: I won't. I cannot. God has sent me to help you.
Quinn: Unfuckingbelievable.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Saul: The matter that we discussed at the seder the other night. I need to know the source of your intel.

Etai: You know, a man with a paranoid cast of mind might think that you think we had something to do with bringing down that plane.

Saul: Maybe your source was shopping his wares around to someone else.

Etai: Maybe you should grow a pair of tits and go fuck yourself.



You forgot:

Etai: We didn’t murder the general that you never met to disrupt the coup that you weren’t planning.


Hell, that entire exchange was golden with all the things they denied doing but at the same time admitting them.

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Numan: What's the password for the wifi?
Carrie: Pope Francis, two words.

Allison: You assured me she was dead.
Ivan: I was wrong.

Dar: I fail to see what more I could have done for you, Saul.
Saul: Well, you could have trusted me.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Carrie: I want to go home now.

Saul: Ivan, I say this respectfully, one professional to another - you're playing a bad hand.

Quinn: Carrie, I guess I'm done and we never happened. I'm not one for words but they're coming now. I don't believe in fate or destiny or horoscopes, but I can't say I'm surprised things turned out this way. I always felt there was something kind of pulling me back to darkness, if that makes sense. But I wasn't allowed a real life or real love. That was for normal people. With you I thought maybe, just maybe. But I know now that was a false glimmer. I'm used to those. They happen all the time in the desert, but this one got to me. And here's the thing - this death, this end of me, is exactly what should have happened. I wanted the darkness. I fucking asked for it. It has me now. So don't put a star on the wall for me. Don't say some dumb speech. Just think of me as a light on the headlands, a beacon steering you clear of the rocks. I loved you. Yours, for always now, Quinn.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Saul: Don't try to talk. You won't be able to for a while. Probably a good thing too. That way we can skip all the formalities. You know - demanding to speak to your counsel, threatening a grave diplomatic incident, et cetera.

Saul: These are the same tactics you used to counter UN sanctions, fund Hezbollah, exploit your revolution to the rest of the world.
Nafisi: Is that a compliment?

Nafisi: I thought we were friends now.
Saul: Friends don't sponsor terrorism.

Nafisi: Apparently Mr. Putin believes in discouraging our zionist neighbors from starting the next world war.

Nafisi: Am I free to go?
Saul: You can go, but you're not free.

Saul: I can do it. Truth is, I love to shred.

Carrie: I need a favor.
Roger: Of course you do.

Dar: As you wish.

Carrie: When did we start arresting people for crimes they MIGHT commit?
Ray: Somewhere between 9/11 and Orlando.
Carrie: Is that also when we started fabricating evidence and obstructing justice?

Saul's sister: Moshe chose this spot so the Arabs could see us every day and know that we were never leaving.

Saul: There's no bending with a fanatic.

Saul: How can you love making enemies? How can you love knowing that your very presence here makes peace less possible?

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Dar: If you think it's wise to tie the President's hands so publicly-
Keane: What's not wise is peddling unverified and politically motivated horse shit to the press.

Saul: We started something, Majid, three years ago, you and I did, together, something between our two countries that succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.
Majid: We didn't start anything together. You put a gun to my head and threatened to expose me to my own service. I went along because I had no choice. Do you remember that?
Saul: Is that how you see it?
Majid: That's how it was. Are we cheating on the agreement? A parallel program with North Korea? Is that what you're asking? Saul, what does it matter anyway? Half your country will wake up tomorrow convinced that we're cheating and half of mine will wake up chanting, "Death to America!"
Saul: I still need the truth.
Majid: That is the truth. Only you would call it succeeding.

Keane: Carrie, thank you for coming so quickly.
Carrie: Of course. Is there a problem?
Rob: Your friend, Dar Adal.
Carrie: Hardly my friend.

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[Franny hands Quinn a stuffed sheep as she explains the names of her stuffed animals]
Franny: Baa cause he's a sheep, obviously.
[Franny hands Quinn a blue teddy bear]
Franny: Blue cause he's blue.
[Franny hands Quinn a bunny rabbit]
Franny: And Hop.
Quinn: Hop? Great name.
Franny: I named him when I was little. That's all I could say. Do you like rabbits?
Quinn: Yes, I do. There's a famous rabbit called Peter like me.
Franny: Peter Quinn?
Quinn: Peter Rabbit.

Marjorie: Can I get you anything?
Keane: A tv so I can see what's going on.
Secret service guy: It's being activated.
Keane: What does that mean? We're waiting for the cable guy?

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Carrie: Excuse me, that woman who just went in, she got here two hours after you put my name on the list.
Police officer: So tell your friend next time to limit himself to misdemeanors.

Secret service guy: Ma'am, I was at the White House on 9/11 . We had to physically compel the Vice-President to take shelter.
Keane: Well, for once I understand his position.

Viktor: There were whispers all last year about you being in Berlin. I expected to hear from you. Nothing.
Saul: Now you have.
Viktor: I didn't say I wanted to hear from you, but I expected it.

Saul: Tovah Rivland, Mossad agent. I need what you have on her. Movement and contacts for the past two weeks.
Viktor: Saul, even if we had such information-
Saul: You do.
Viktor: Why is the CIA asking the SVR about Israel?
Saul: Not Israel. One Israeli.
Viktor: What's wrong with your own surveillance? You cover the Israelis like paint.

Saul: Even after all these years, I have no idea what you're talking about half the time.

Conlin: Does everyone in northern Virginia have a security clearance?
Tan: Yeah, it comes with your Starbucks rewards card.

Conlin: Did you see Quinn?
Carrie: Kind of.
Conlin: Kind of?
Carrie: He was in bad shape. I made it worse.
Conlin: So did he tell you anything?
Carrie: Mostly how I fucked him over.
Conlin: You fucked me over and look at us - practically partners.

Viktor: You know what your problem is, if you don't mind me saying? You always have to win every argument. It's not your most attractive feature.

Marjorie: I never voted for you.
Keane: I'm okay with that. Half the country can't stand me.

Keane: We don't need a police state in this country to fight terrorism.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Saul: Is this a debrief or an interrogation?

Astrid: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: What's it look like?
Astrid: Freezing to death?

Dar: What the hell is this? Feeling sorry for yourself?
Quinn: Go fuck yourself, Dar.
Dar: Because if you are, that would be a first. You grew up in a hard school, no time for self pity. It's the first thing about you that impressed.
Quinn: Not the first thing.
Dar: Yeah, well, we're all beautiful when we're young, aren't we?
Quinn: Fucking dirty old man.
Dar: Fair enough. For the record, though, I never forced myself on anyone.

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Javardi [in a homeless shelter]: Not exactly how I saw my retirement beginning.
Saul: There but for the grace of God.
Javardi: Screw the grace of God!

Quinn: My dreams have a realness. My realness, realness-
Astrid: Reality.
Quinn: My reality has a dreaminess.

Saul: Carrie, please pay attention. I'm not fucking around.

Saul: Are you saying [Sekou] wasn't responsible [for the bomb]?
Carrie: Let's just say the facts make it extremely fucking doubtful.

[Quinn eats samples at the grocery store]
Employee: Five's the limit, pal.

Quinn: We fucked each other because we were lonely. That doesn't make us friends.

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Max: Unless you're not interested.
Carrie: Of course I'm interested. I also just spent ninety minutes with a shrink reminding me how I put people in harm's way without thinking twice.

Max: I spent that year smoking meth and masturbating.

Carrie: Maybe you shouldn't have been fucking a Russian mole.
Saul: Well coming from someone who fucked a guy in a suicide vest, that means a lot.

Dar: Did I do anything, anything at all, to suggest I was curious about the sound of your voice?
Driver: No.
Dar: So shut the fuck up.

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Keane: You think you know better than me.
Dar: When it comes to the defense of this country, I'm certain I do.
Keane: Oh, you're certain.
Dar: I've been at this a very long time.
Keane: At what? What is it you think you have been at exactly?
Dar: ....
Keane: No, I really want to know.
Dar: Keeping America safe.
Keane: I see. And this qualifies in your opinion.
Dar: What does?
Keane: Feeding me bad intelligence, leaking false reports to the press, coercing me into cabinet choices antithetical to policy goals that got me elected. Seriously, where do you see this going? Do I come around to your point of view? Do I give up? Roll over? Do you see me resigning?

Dar: Don't go to war with your own national security establishment.
Keane: Are you threatening me?
Dar: I'm telling you it's a war you won't win.

Dar: I'm afraid you're taking this personally, madame.
Keane: You're goddamn right I am.

Keane: In the future, in case you're wondering, this moment, right now, is when I decided to put your ass in jail.

Saul: I'll be humiliated publicly.
Mira: When has that ever made the slightest bit of fucking difference to you?

Keane: Dar Adal's handiwork.
You don't know that.
Keane: Of course I do. He was just in here threatening this very thing.

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Reporter: What about the rumor that your nominee for Secretary of Defense has withdrawn his name?
Keane: As far as I know, you are starting that rumor yourself right now.

O'Keefe: I've been listening to the President-Elect. She's calling on the cowards spreading these deplorable lies about her son to come out of the shadows.
Dar: You're not thinking of doing that.
O'Keefe: Someone calls me deplorable, I think they should it to my face.

Carrie: You changed after the stroke. We both know it and I am so, so sorry - what I did to you.
Quinn: You didn't do anything. I've always been this way.

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Elian: This isn't even remotely funny, Dar.
Dar: It's not meant to be. A little ironic maybe.
Elian: Ironic?
Dar: Considering how many times you've had me up to the Hill to testify about enhanced interrogation techniques.
Elian: What are you talking about? Have you lost your fucking mind? I'm a United States Senator!
Dar: And I'll tell you now as I told you then - establishing trust, getting to know your prisoner, is ten times more effective than torture. But since we know each other already, what choice do I have? Actually don't consider this an interrogation. Consider it a reprimand.
Elian: For what?
Dar: Keeping me in the dark.

Saul: I wasn't judging you, Carrie.
Carrie: Sure sounded like it.

Dar: What I did was unforgivable, Saul, but I'm not sure it was wrong.

Carrie: Why do you keep saying "detained"? They were arrested.

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Carrie: Eggs are hot.
Maggie: You don't have to do this every day.
Carrie: No, I like to.
Josie: What else would she do? It's not like she has a job.
Maggie: Jos.
Josie: She was fired by a regime that jails free thinkers. Like Stalin. 
Carrie: I didn't start it. Her school's taking them on another "Free the 200" March.
Josie: Hey, you should come.
[Bill laughs] 
Josie: Why not?
Bill: What do you think's gonna happen when I tell the Treasury Secretary I'm ditching work so I can go to anti-administration march?
Josie: Maybe he'll respect you for giving a crap about the Constitution. Like you have a backbone. 
Maggie: Josie. 
Carrie: Don't say that.
Bill: Can I get through breakfast before we start in on how I'm a silent accomplice?
Josie: We should've stayed in Rome. Teo says he's embarrassed to tell people he has an American girlfriend.
Bill: Teo should get an Italian girl his own age.

Maggie: At least [Josie] hates [Bill] more than she hates me. It would help if you stopped calling Keane a fascist.
Carrie: She IS a fascist. Saul Berenson is still in jail. 
Maggie: Yeah. It's bad. I know. We're all upset, but Bill's being treated like a scab at work. It would be nice for him to come home and get a break.
Carrie: Well, wasn't he hired to do the work of a bunch of guys from Treasury who are also behind bars?
Maggie: Look, he doesn't like the President any more than you do, but a crisis happened.
Carrie: And he stepped up. God bless.
Maggie: Yeah, he did. Some daughters would be proud.
Carrie: Well, some moms would be excited their 16-year-old was politically engaged.

Keane: How is it they tried to assassinate me, and I am the one under investigation?
Wellington: Because we locked up over 200 of their best friends and neighbors, kept them for nearly two months - some would say denied their civil rights.

Sharon: Do you wanna try being reasonable just to, you know, see how that feels?

Janet: Is this spy shit really necessary?
Carrie: I'm bringing you a federal agent to testify about some of the most expansive civil rights abuses in the history of our nation. Is it really that hard to use a burner?

Wellington: The President doesn't know I'm here tonight. Between us, she's feeling a little friendless these days and vulnerable.
Saul: Tell her to get over it.
Wellington: She will.
Saul: Job is to put the country first.
Wellington: Well, not first. First, she has to clear a path to power. Otherwise, she's Jimmy Carter.
Saul: She keeps this up, undermining the rule of law, debasing her democratic institutions, she won't last as long as Jimmy Carter.
Wellington: Agreed. That's where you come in. She needs an ally. A show of faith and forgiveness on your part, well, it could really help turn things around.
Saul: I'm a little indisposed at the moment.

Wellington: Now you said, "Put the country first." I'm offering you an opportunity to do just that.
Saul: Job, you mean?
Wellington: Yes. Of course, I'd have to run it by the boss, but how does National Security Advisor sound? Surprised?
Saul: I'm in a fucking federal prison. What do you think?

Saul: Everybody swept up in the second wave of arrests must also be released.
Wellington: They will be when the investigation is complete.
Saul: No. Now.
Wellington: Impossible.
Saul: They're all innocent. You know that.
Wellington: The President will never agree.
Saul: Then neither can I.
Wellington: Mr. Berenson, think what you're turning down.
Saul: It's non-negotiable.
Wellington: Well. I'm sorry you feel that way.
Saul: I'm sorry she does. I will not carry water or make excuses for a woman who can't rise above her own vindictiveness.

Dante: Can't believe I fell for that twice. Kabul? Trunk of your car? You still drive like a maniac.

Carrie: You know, not every shred of non-conventional behavior boils down to an onset of hypomania.

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Saul: If my new position is really shit screen for this administration, I'm not interested.
Wellington: You'd rather have two hundred people sitting in jail?
Saul: Yeah.

Saul: We just announced an amnesty.
Wellington: Not for [O'Keefe]. He was working directly with Dar Adal.
Saul: So was I. It just made me National Security Advisor.

Saul: I couldn't find the words to express the dismay I feel at what I saw outside - a hundred people, ordinary decent citizens, staring at the FBI with hatred in their eyes, like they're an occupying army. You know where I've seen this before? Some of the most fucked up places on the planet, places we're so proud we're not - Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria. Locals, facing the armies of governments they hate. All it takes is one wrong word, one wrong move, people start dying.


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Dr. Meyer: You show up unannounced, looking like a truck ran you over and tell me that the problem is your rate of speech?

Dr. Meyer: Are you a danger to yourself?
Carrie: Suicide? No. No, no. I couldn't do that to Franny. But it's safe to say I'm not as risk-averse as I should be.

Maggie: Franny was terrified.
Carrie: Why didn't you just tell her I was working?
Maggie: Because you don't have a job. She's not a baby. She understands things. Not to mention the fact that we don't lie to our children.

Carrie: Maggie, I'm so scared.
Maggie: Don't be. We'll get through this. And we've been here before.
Carrie: But we haven't. We haven't been here before. I'm starting at the beginning again. It could take months to find the right dosage, or years, or maybe nothing works. I can't raise a kid if I'm at the bottom of a black hole with no walls.
Maggie: That is not going to happen.
Carrie: You don't know that.
Maggie: I know that we will do everything possible to find an effective treatment. 
Carrie: Listen to me. I can't have Franny visiting me in a locked ward, ever. I don't care what you say to her. She can't see me like that. 
Maggie: She won't. 
Carrie: Promise me. I would rather you say I was dead.

General Rossen: We have a time-sensitive matter we need to bring to your attention, not on the agenda. We have fresh Intel that Assad is mounting an offensive against the Free Syrian Army. We've been tracking an arms shipment from Iran. It's on its way to a weapons depot on the outskirts of Al-Salamiyah. Now we can hit that convoy before it gets there.
Keane: Excuse me, General, this is the same briefing I got last week.
Rossen: It's been updated, ma'am.
Keane: Updated how?
Rossen: We have three new strike scenarios, including one scrambling F-15E Eagles out of Incirlik.
Keane: The intelligence is the same, though - a shipment of weapons on its way from Iran to Syria.
Rossen: Yes, ma'am.
Keane: So what makes you think I've changed my mind? Because as far as I can tell, this is exactly the recommendation I rejected on Friday, right? 
Rossen: With respect, Madam President -
Keane: Answer me. Am I right? Or am I missing something here?
Rossen: No, ma'am. You're right, ma'am.
Keane: Then I ask again, what makes you think I've changed my position? 
Rossen: I see that you haven't. 
Keane: Correct. And however politically vulnerable you may or may not think I am, all of you, don't think for a second that I will be leveraged or back away from the military drawdown I announced on the very first day of my candidacy. So let's not waste any more time on this.

Carrie: I'm sick, and I'm gonna be sick for a while.
Dante: What does that mean? 
Carrie: You have to leave me alone. 
Dante: Fuck that. Go get in my car. We'll get you some antibiotics. You were ready to torch my career for the revolution. Take a shower. Let's get on with it.

O'Keefe: There are federal sharpshooters out there right now. Jesus, I can practically feel the gun sights. One false move - pow!
Saul: Nobody's gonna shoot you, O'Keefe. Not yet, anyway.
O'Keefe: Then lose the rifles.
Saul: Just as soon as your people do.
O'Keefe: Well, that hardly seems fair, does it?
Saul: Well, I'm not the one breaking the law.

O'Keefe: People are angry. 
Saul: So you keep saying. Maybe they'd be a little less angry and a little more reasonable, these people, if you stopped peddling your outright falsehoods, conspiracy theories.

Dante: I had an ex who was bipolar.
Carrie: Really?
Dante: Yeah. It sucks. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. 
Carrie: Is that why you broke up? 
Dante: No.
Carrie: You can say it. It's not gonna hurt my feelings.
Dante: We broke up cause I drank too much.
Carrie: Why'd you drink?
Dante: Kabul. Boredom after.
Carrie: Did you stop?
Dante: No. I didn't. It's under control.
Carrie: That's what I told my sister. Then she sent me to the shrink.
Dante: Is it?
Carrie: Under control? Not really.
Dante: Took Audrey forever to figure out the drugs. Years of messing with dosages and diet and does she drink or not? And there were times when we had some bad days, but eventually she got her head straight. Just in time to leave me.

FBI agent: Offer you a bed for the night? We just booked a bunch of rooms at the motel in town. 
Saul: No, I'm good. 
FBI agent: You sure? Nothing's gonna happen here till morning.
Saul: That's what I'm afraid of.

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Max: So what are you thinking?
Carrie: The obvious. The money was used for a payoff.
Max: To get McClendon killed?
Carrie: No, Max, so he'd have a nicer room.

O'Keefe: I'm not in control here.
Saul: Tell me about it. You deal with it on your end. I'll deal with it on mine.

Saul: Do not fuck with me on this. You will not like where it ends up.

O'Keefe: It's not me. These guys are bringing it on like it's their own private Alamo.
Saul: Well, remind them how that ended.

JJ's mom: You said you'd hand yourself over before anyone got hurt, but you're still here.

Dante: So do I bring her in?
Carrie: And say what? I broke into her apartment and found some stuff on her computer?

Carrie: We've got to connect her and the money to Wellington.
Dante: How?
Carrie: Well, I've got a thought about that which will be completely illegal.
Dante: Yeah, like you rifling through her apartment wasn't.
Carrie: That was me. This will be us, an operation, the kind of thing we used to do in Kabul. If things fuck up, your badge won't save you.

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Anson: Get out of my house.
Carrie: This isn't a house.

Carrie: You took a sledgehammer to the family room?
Anson: I'm renovating. What are you - a marriage counselor now?

Carrie: I'm putting a team together. You're first on my list, so I need to know if you're really losing it or just acting out.

Tom: We had rioting for most of the night. I'm sure we'll see it again. 
Keane: Rioting or demonstrations? 
Tom: It's a fine line. 
Advisor: It certainly is.

Wellington: Right now, we're trying to prevent what was once fondly known as the capital of the Confederacy from burning to the ground.

Guy: What if she asks who told us she was the courier?
Anson: Punch her in the face. We don't know who told us. Change the subject. 
Carrie: Don't punch her in the face. 
Anson: It's a turn of phrase. 
Carrie: Don't punch her in the face. 
Anson: Fine. 
Carrie: All right, we gotta get going. Let's write up a Christmas list, see where we're at. 
Doxie: Can I open these stroopwafels?

Dante: Nobody grows up dreaming of taking down criminals inside their own government.

Ivan: Sometimes a domestic crisis is just a domestic crisis.

Carrie: Did I already take one of these? 
Dante: What is it? 
Carrie: M.
Dante: No. You took one at lunch in the car. 
Carrie: Nothing since then? I don't wanna zone out, but if I double up, I'll get jittery.
Dante: 1:40 PM. Ten milligrams. You asked me to keep track.
Carrie: I did. Five milligrams. 8:17.
Max: I took a Zyrtec at 1. Hay fever.

Dante: Why do I feel like I'm getting patted on the head for a finger painting?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Carrie: Anything [new with Simone and Wellington's surveillance]?
Max: He's out of yogurt.

Sandy: Next week, we'll talk about the shooting down of a U-2 spy plane over central Russia and how for the first time in the history of the United States, millions of Americans understood their President could lie to them in the name of National Security.

Welllington: You're wasting your time. You know that, don't you?
Paley: Always a possibility.

Wellington: Sam. Don't do this. It's beneath you.
Paley: One thing I will say for you, David - you've always had excellent manners, even when obstructing justice.

Dante: You eat anything today?
Carrie: Excuse me?
Dante: How about sleep? Are you getting any lately? I know I've been pretty wired these last few days.
Carrie: Do not pull this shit with me right now.
Dante: This is what you asked me to do. This is exactly what you asked me to do.
Carrie: This is not that.
Dante: Well, it sure as hell looks like it. And you know what? I think you need to see a real doctor, not some guy slinging drugs out of the trunk of his car. I don't know why I agreed to that in the first place. It's not right or safe.

Saul: You understand the position this puts me in? 
Carrie: Yes, I do. In a position to save the President and possibly the republic. 
Saul: Oh, for fuck's sake.

Sandy: Remember this day. The National Security Advisor just brought you dinner.

Carrie: What? I don't get a lime?
Anson: For your soda? No, you can have mine when I'm finished.
Carrie: That's great. I'm excited about that. 
Doxie: No salt? 
Anson: How old are you? You want some goldfish crackers, too?
Doxie: How are you giving me shit about the salt when you got the limes?

Dante: What are we drinking? 
Doxie: It's a cheap tequila.
Anson: No, no, it's on her tab. I got the good stuff. I mean, you wouldn't want to sip it with a cigar but-
Doxie: You can't even spend somebody else's money right.

Stein: She doesn't have a drink. Mathison. 
Carrie: No, I'm good. I got my seltzer. 
Max: She's not drinking. 
Stein: Since when? You pregnant?
Guy: For fuck's sake.
Carrie: Stein, I'm on drugs. I can't mix it with alcohol.

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Anson: What happened to 12 hours out cold guaranteed?
Carrie: I don't think [Dante] saw anything.
Anson: Yeah, he did. He saw Stein's ugly face, which, lucky for us, sent him straight back into unconsciousness.

Max: I can't believe Carrie told you.
Saul: In case you haven't noticed, she isn't the most reliable.

Dante: Did we...
Carrie: What? Did we do it?
Dante: Well, did we?
Carrie: If we had, you would have remembered. Believe me.

Saul: [Max]'s working with Carrie.
Sandy: Your Carrie? Carrie Matheson?
Saul: If you're implying I have any control over her, then no.

Keane: I'm not commenting on a TMZ video.

VP: Will [Wellington] be charged with high crimes and misdemeanors? Will the walls of this White House come tumbling down? I have a right to know, Madame President, because if this administration falls, it falls on me.
Keane: Okay, Ralph. Let's talk normally a minute.

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Paley: How did Mathison make contact with you?
Janet: Carrie? When?
Paley: Initially. You sorority sisters or something?
Janet: Charlie Gilwhite at the DIA called me and said Carrie wanted to talk and I should take the meeting.
Paley: Did you check her out before you put her in a room with me?
Janet: Charlie Gilwhite's a two star general.
Paley: Unless the White House has concocted a truly epic web of lies, which is of course always a possibility, I am the tip of the spear of one of the most insidious attacks ever perpetrated on the institution of American democracy. And everything I've said in public in the last three months has been an elaborate fiction authored by the military intelligence wing of the Russian government.
Janet: Carrie is a-
Paley: No. Simone Martin is. And Dante Allen. Mathison's just a stooge - like me. And you.
Janet: How can you be sure?
Paley: Because as explanations go, this one bears the unfortunate hallmark of making all the fucking sense in the world.

Sandy: We pray for the lazy ones, some genius who logs in from Starbucks.

Yevgeny: I don't poison my own people. I have many flaws, but that isn't one of them.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Warner: You know, your indignation might be more convincing if it weren't quite so covered in crap.

Schroder: Ms. Lonas, do you think it's sometimes necessary to separate a child from her parent?
Lonas: I hate to see it happen. Research has shown that children suffer life-long damage when their bond with the primary caregiver is broken.
Schroder: Is there any exception?
Lonas: Yes, when a child has suffered repeated trauma.

Carrie: Maggie, that's what I've decided, too. I have to give it up. All of it. I swear. I'm seeing this very clearly now.
Maggie: Carrie, you're my sister, and I love you, I really do, but I don't believe you. In six weeks, the ECT will wear off, and Saul will come knocking with some new crisis, and the whole crazy orchestra will start playing again. I'm sorry.

Warner: Power without authority is tyranny. That's the line I'm trying to keep you from crossing.

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Tanseem: I warned you. It was only a matter of time before things fell apart.
Saul: There's falling apart and then there's pushing them off a cliff.

Doug: If you're worried about the polygraph, I would take it with a grain of salt.
Turro: It's not something we can ignore.
Dr. Foley: Polygraphs are unreliable.
Doug: Deception indicated can mean she's nervous or lying to herself.
Turro: Or it can indicate deception.

Carrie: I'm a Russian agent apparently.
Saul: So I heard.

Soldier: Remember what to do?
Max: Haul ass.

Soldier: Cable guy, you're like a frosted lucky charm.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Tasneem: Where is he?
Servant: In the garden. Careful - he's been shooting squirrels again.

Tasneem: Aba, this has to stop.
Latif: I'll stop when they stop.
Tasneem: If you take the bird feeder down, the squirrels won't eat the seeds anymore.
Latif: That wouldn't be fair on the birds, would it?

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Ben: What a clusterfuck.
David: Yeah, you leave Washington for 36 hours, look what happens. You were just in Columbus, right?
Ben: Watched OSU play Michigan - the game. Frank Gillette and I haven't missed one since we graduated. We may not have gone to Princeton, but we know how to have a good time..

Frank: General Ryan has been in contact with the Taliban delegation in Doha, and they've confirmed that Saul Berenson is their prisoner. Despite our intel implicating the ISI, Haqqani is convinced we were behind the attempt on his life and he's threatening to kill Saul at the first sign of a rescue.
Ben: Well, I realize I was out of town when all this was decided but what in the hell was the national security advisor thinking?
Frank: He was trying to facilitate a breakthrough in the negotiations.
Ben: How many red lights we gonna let this guy run? He's a Keane holdover anyway. I say fire his ass.
Frank: Well, I don't know, Ben. Shouldn't we try to get him back first?

Tasneem: Don't worry. Any doubts about your leadership will be resolved at the Shura.
Jalal: What makes you so sure?
Tasneem: They remember what your father forgot - that without me, there is no Taliban.

Mike: What about a bug? 
Jenna: What about it?
Mike: Any chance you could slip one into her purse? 
Jenna: Carrie's purse? 
Mike: Yeah.
Jenna: Uh, highly unlikely.
Mike: Not buying the friendship routine, huh?
Jenna: No, she is. We're just not braiding each other's hair yet.

Jenna: So what happens tomorrow?
Carrie: Your guess is as good as mine.
Jenna: Let's say Yevgeny asks to defect. What's the procedure?
Carrie: That he won't do.
Jenna: Why not? I thought you said-
Carrie: I said he was a candidate for recruitment, not defection. The last thing a field guy like Yevgeny wants is a new identity and a condo in Scottsdale.

Haqqani: We are just strong enough never to lose and just weak enough never to win.

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Man: Ma'am-
Carrie: No, don't fucking "ma'am" me!

Tasneem: So the talks in Doha, that was all a charade?
Saul: You made it a charade.
Tasneem: You snuck around behind my back. 
Saul: No. 
Tasneem: You went to Haqqani.
Saul: Who you tried to kill. Your ally and you put a grenade through his windshield which to be honest was the only useful thing you did.

Frank: I was thinking on the flight over just how much I was looking forward to meeting you in person, considering what an important part you've played in my life. One could make a pretty good case I wouldn't be president if it weren't for you.

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Saul: I believe you. No one else will.

David: We should go to the situation room.
Ben: ...
David: To oversee the operation.
Ben: You want me to watch [the president's body get bombed]? What's that going to look like?
David: Like you can make a tough decision and see it through.

Carrie: Tell me you have the black box.
Max: It's orange.

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Ben: They're saying I had Warner's chopper shot down. Palace coup.
David: Who's "they"?
Ben: Fucking Buzzfeed.

Saul: If we start evacuating nonessential [embassy personnel], we turn a panic into full on hysteria.

Ryan: Mr. President, no one wants to see the Taliban return to power. But no one wants to see the kind of lawlessness you presided over in the 90s either.
G'ulom: I reject the comparison.
Ryan: You just declared martial law and rounded up 300 insurgents in a soccer stadium.

Carrie: Can I get a hard copy of whatever we're recording that might reference Max Piotrowski, the missing guy?
Lonnie: That's going to be hundreds of pages.
Carrie: You don't have to read it, Lonnie. You just have to hit "print."

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Carrie: Where the hell is the extraction team? What's taking them so long?
Mike: What do you think? They can't put together an operation in a matter of hours, especially if it involves crossing the Pak border.
Carrie: It's seven miles across. It's two minutes flying time for chrissakes.
Mike: And assaulting a site they haven't scouted.
Carrie: I'll scout it.
Mike: Great. Yeah, intel from a rogue agent running around with a Russian spy using his satellite phone to communicate.

Saul: You didn't do this. You're innocent.
Haqqani. Forty years of war. No one is innocent.

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David: How did you even get in here?
Zabel: I was invited after you were stupid enough to get two presidents killed.

Zabel: I got a new job.
Claudette: West Wing, I heard. How is it there?
Zabel: Crawling with idiots.

Mike: The team's been briefed. They know they may be picking up a defector.
Saul: [Carrie]'s not a defector.
Mike: Okay, collaborator with a Russian agent. That's what she is. You understand that, right?
Saul: Here's what I understand - while you and this entire station were doing as far as I can tell exactly nothing, she went out to find Max. She found him.

Ben: Who is it? What language is it? Why am I looking at it?

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Mike: Why don't we take this [conversation] into my office?
Saul: Fuck your office. Answer the goddamn question.

Yevgeny: Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Carrie: I think I"m fresh out of secrets.

Ben: You're aware I've asked John to come aboard as my special advisor on Afghanistan.
Saul: I am, although I must admit I find it strange.
Ben: What's that?
Saul: Soliciting advice from someone who's never set foot in the country.

Carrie: I have a lead on the flight recorder but you have to get me access to those funds.
Saul: How much do you need?
Carrie: A million at least.
Saul: Anything over six figures involves multiple authorizations.
Carrie: Then make it a dollar less.

Broker: Diamonds or gold pieces only. I can accept nothing else.
Carrie: Go fuck yourself.

Yevgeny: Fucking helicopters.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Man: Pakistan has convened a security council working group. They're demanding a vote against the U.S. for last night's raid. China and Iran are backing Pakistan. Brits and Poles are backing us.
Saul: What are the Russians doing?
Man: The usual - thinking of ways to fuck us up. So what are you planning to do?
Saul: Make an idiot of myself. Don't try to stop me - at least not at first.

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