S17.E05: Auditions 5

[Mr. Sparkle]

Fifth round of auditions airs Tuesday, June 28th, 8:00 PM EDT. 

[ams1001]

WHY DOES SOPHIA YELL SO MUCH?

I wasn't expecting it but Mr. Pants got me because I'm a sucker for a good/bad pun.

"Hold up...do you have a second song?" This is getting old. If they're not going to buzz them off the judges shouldn't be able to stop the act. (And of course it's only Simon who does it. You don't see Howie stopping comedians and asking if they have a different set to do.) They could have voted him through and let him "step it up" next time. (Also, while he was good, the audience jumping to their feet and screaming at the top of their lungs was a bit much.)

Call me heartless but I have zero patience for the extended 'life was perfect and then my [parent/spouse/pet guppy] got sick' sob stories. Oh look, she got Heidi's GB. I'm shocked. At least they're mixing up the times a bit.

Operatic impressions...she annoyed me when she first came out with the random shoutout to Yonk-ahs, but it's different and she's good. I don't see how the die slowed down the act. She went from one into the other at the next line each time. It's not like she paused to wait for Heidi to tell her who to do next. (Though, and call me a cynic, but I suspect Heidi knew exactly what order to call them in.)

I liked the comedian in the Minion shirt pretty well; initially I wondered if he was asked to wear it because of the Minion movie (which was also tied into last night's Ninja Warrior episode) and then when he was brought into the act with the German "magicians" (who were hilarious) I wondered if he was wearing it just for the later banana joke with them. (Or both.)

Edited June 29, 2022 by ams1001

[Frisky Wig]

So, Mom and I are watching the Spanish guy hand balancing higher and higher. He tries to go up another level, drops a prop thing, stumbles, everyone gasps. 
 

Mom: “things like that are gonna happen in these performances.”

Me: “he probably orchestrated it for extra drama and danger.” 

Howie: “are those KNIVES!?!?”

Me: “yes, Howie”

Howie: “those are knives!!!”

Me: “very good, Howie.” 🙄 

Edited June 29, 2022 by Frisky Wig

[Frisky Wig]

4 hours ago, ams1001 said:

“Hold up...do you have a second song?" This is getting old. If they're not going to buzz them off the judges shouldn't be able to stop the act. (And of course it's only Simon who does it. You don't see Howie stopping comedians and asking if they have a different set to do.) They could have voted him through and let him "step it up" next time. (Also, while he was good, the audience jumping to their feet and screaming at the top of their lungs was a bit much.)

Yes! Old and annoying. And no, no one else but Simon does it. Why doesn’t Howie stop the comedians during their sets? Because he always laughing. No matter how stupid the jokes are, it seems like he’s sitting there, laughing it up and I’m like “where’s the humor!?” 
 

It seems so…egotistical? to just stop a performance in the middle of someone’s song and demand that they sing another. You know Simon loves the power, the hush that fills the building, how everyone listens and he can command the room. 

One thing was different: this singer started with an original song, Simon stopped him and he sang someone else’s song that we knew. 

2 minutes ago, Frisky Wig said:

 

Edited June 29, 2022 by Frisky Wig

[Neet]

Nicolas Ribs - His daughter said "we are from France" and the cultureless void of a crowd goes into hysterics. It was refreshing to have a magician on here who didn't speak with a hyper narration over every trick. Him making things appear out of thin air was cool, though the Federal Reserve has been doing that for years and never received their due applause.

Mr. Pants - Wouldn't you believe there happened to be another contestant with his own act revolving solely around another object, right before this one? And Pants was supposed to be the crown jewel of the two, pathetically.
A bunch of shitty puns he didn't include: he's slacking off unless there's better material in his back pocket, 'cause I wanted to give him the belt. The humor sounded off the cuff but was probably tapered for time, which would've been a blessing since it made me want to vomit like Ipe-khaki. (Ipecac) Yeah, I'm already out of ideas. Pretty damn obvious how limited the jokes are going to be going forward.
I gave him the attention most would bestow upon a homeless guy twirling a sign at an intersection.

Mia Morris - Looping is so impressive to the judges on a show that has the same acts every week for 20 years. Ed Sheeran used to do this when not yet world famous and still does it at concerts, much better than Mia; even when just starting out. Her material sounds like Avril Lavigne, who I would disparage for 'choosing' to age out of her 20s, though Avril still making music for teenagers is a healthy concession. Anyway, it was kind of unique for AGT when every other musical act is just one person howling into a mic. (or a group of 50 who don't understand the value of money) It seemed like her performance almost got montage'd because they cut her off right when she started singing.

Chiko - Upon seeing anybody who's actually in shape, I'm desperate to call every facet of the act gimmicked in some way, but cannot explain any details. There's at least one of these acts every year, so it was exciting but simultaneously dull because it's rather hard to appreciate how dangerous something is when just watching on TV. Terry pleads for viewers to not try this at home, which is disheartening when I have a 30 foot tower of metal legs sitting in the living room with the plastic wrap still attached.

Connor Johnson - Another giveaway was the editors putting his Instagram handle on the screen, as if it would ever be from him in dire need of cheering up after not making it through. It's still mind-blowing how many people want to make a living as a musician. I guess this is another way the show ages me by 20 years because I used to hate unsupportive parents, but now only think of replies like "oh, baby, that's not practical" because there's no money in it unless at the top. Cue the retort of "my obese friend is in a Meat Loaf cover band and cleans up", though the exceptions are not the rule. It's like singers such as Laine Hardy who write an album's worth of material about how they're in love with their small town of 100 people that contains a single general store and a pump water well like in Africa, yet still wonder why huge cities don't attend their concerts. Anyway, Connor did the usual shtick of humming what might as well be elevator music before Simon demands the 'second' song they rehearsed 10 minutes prior. I thought it was all boring, and since he's attractive, the catty woman in me hopes he fails.

MPLUSPLUS - Gay marriage was legalized in 2008, so I don't get why twirling around multicolored ribbons took another 12 years of bravery to debut. Most of these LED groups at least pretend there's a story to go along with what they're doing, but these guys didn't really do anything. I think there's a woman or two in the group, so as usual, I'll shift all the blame towards the men in hopes of affection later.

Dremeka Choir - The scariest part of this performance was that a group of 14 people claimed to want the million dollars to support them full time. After taxed, they'd have made the salary of a substitute teacher for a single year, so good for them for forgoing earthly pleasures such as food if they feel supported from that. At least the sole point of their act isn't to shock people, since there's nowhere to go after the initial 5 seconds, which for most viewers is really just looking up from their phone and going "cool" before going back to scrolling. The "Toxic" cover was interesting and is some substance to use for future performances, which many other acts could learn from. (the art of doing something) I could've sworn they were just playing a track of 2022 Britney singing, since my appreciation of women's music is usually amortized over a short period.

Lily Meola - No joke, I started to think she was acting after a while because of how 'professional' her answers were getting. "I told myself I wasn't going to cry" sounds like a line people hear in movies and never actually say, though it didn't seem like she was going to really cry either. Maybe the realm of possibility gets ruined when there have to be constant shots of the side of her head for no reason, followed by an emotional cut to the crowd of the same plants who must camp out there in order to pad their imdb resume with roles as "gasping woman". Anyway, I didn't really feel much from the song because the already bad episode was really starting to decline around here. I'll possibly watch it again to form a real opinion, though if her story is real, her shot at fame may sadly be blown. When any female singer over the age of 22 opens her mouth, the world seems to collectively leap to their feet as if another Susan Boyle has been discovered, which is to say that pop and country are some of the only big genres where women can succeed and it's hard when not young. They're also some of the only genres anyone in general seems to care about, as the music industry has shrunk in spite of record revenues thanks to streaming. It's interesting how 40+ year old musicians could succeed as late as the early '90s, a decade after MTV's initial popularity (despite music videos making the industry heavily image-based often getting blamed for their obsession about youth for women and men), and now there's no trace of such a thing. Lily's only 27, which isn't old, I'm just saying she has a shorter window. Then again, if her competition includes people like Crystal Bowersox who looked like her own mother at 23, she'll be fine.

Jordan Conley - I wanted to like him and thought he gave a solid attempt, but just couldn't laugh at any of it. When it's at the point where you have to decide whether or not to make some feigned laugh like The Count from Sesame Street, it's not that good. Hopefully his next performance is redeeming, because his personality seems fit for comedy.

Merissa Beddows - She was singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" as a subtle reminder that there are only a few days until random hamburger companies stop announcing how gay they are, which will be a most confusing time for everyone. It seems like every woman who does impressions looks a lot older than they are, perhaps the constant furling of the brow in the midst of unfunny jokes causes some premature wrinkles. Anyway, she did the same dice shtick as another group from a few weeks ago, but since she did every single selection on it, there was no risk or spontaneity.

Siegfried and Joy - After only being familiar with the original duo for the tiger attack, anything else resembling an actual show is rather disappointing. The average viewer lives in an apartment the size of a cage, and are likely equally agitated, so bringing one out would be pointless. I don't doubt the municipal water supply being laced with sedatives, but I can't relate to the crowd and judges going into hysterics at practically anything because I spend 99% of the show in a blank stare. After so many magicians with the annoying 'flair', it might've been nice to see anti-magicians instead, but the enjoyment was only slightly ahead of Piff The Magic Dragon or whatever from years ago. A lot of the act was really predictable aside from revealing Jordan Conley, who was more likeable in his silent appearance than his own act earlier.

I've been mispronouncing this show's initials as "agate" for years, under the presumption of some reference to the producers finding diamonds in the rough. After tonight was crowned the current champion for worst episode in the season, that idea has been disproven.

[Vermicious Knid]

Rhythmic gymnastics with LED ribbons? Sure, why not. It looked pretty at least, but I think they need to step it up for the next performance. Magician who combined computer graphics and sleight of hand was pretty good. Actually not something we've seen before 20 times.

I'll admit it, Mr. Pants made me laugh. It was all pants-related jokes but that's no worse an idea than the comedians with disabilities whose routines are all about their disabilities. I actually found him funnier than the guy with the Minions sweatshirt. I think the bit that made me laugh the most though was the opera singer as Siri. Kind of want to hear Stevie Nicks do Over the Rainbow for real. And now they have two singing impression acts. The heavy metal choir was...something. Took me a couple of minutes to realize they were doing Carmina Burana, and then segued into Toxic. Probably won't get very far but I didn't hate it.

Siegfried and Joy better hope they don't get sued. Comedic act with a bit of actual magic tricks. I enjoyed it but think they need to go even sillier. Just go whole hog ridiculous.

[InternetToughGuy]

I wouldn't doubt this post largely comprising of one sentence passive aggressive girlfriend remarks, this was the worst episode so far.

The episode opens with a paid promotion of a fancy new car that only the financial elite and a select few entrepreneurs like myself can afford, though we're still a good 6 months away from me being able to falsely claim to have hurt my back on unsalted sidewalks, so for now I'm stuck practising my fake limp down the courtroom aisle in the mirror.

///

Nicolas Ribs - Contrary to what the judges said, I definitely thought this act had been done before - the top down view of the heavily gimmicked table has been done every year, though I'm all for an act that is willing to display the ability for the moon to be altered (and possibly falsified entirely) by man himself. Since he's from France and received an ovation when saying that, as many acts receive, it appears that Americans are celebrating their country's rapid decline and cheer over how bad a job the border officials are doing, though I can't really point a finger since even me being asked where I'm from results in screeching declarations of being a sovereign citizen and demanding badge numbers.

Keegan the Bicycle Comedian - Being an endorser of a vehicle where enough food for four isn't at arms reach of a sedentary driver is met with immediate hostility by the American audience. Of course this guy was most likely a Z-tier actor whose career highlight was "Quiet Boy" in a 1999 TV movie. I don't get the point of these fodder acts, why not just have acts who are actually unaware that they suck.

Mr Pants - I don't see how filtering a wide open genre like comedy into a tired gimmick could possibly be enjoyable, though it's quite likely he'll already be tired to everyone who liked him by the next round. Even the usual "he's a man" credit didn't help at all, it was a 0.

Mia Morris - She managed to display how every female-fronted band is perceived by the audience, where the guitar and drum noises seem to be coming from nowhere due to the fans only showing up to gawk at the woman. Again, I don't know where this can go in the future, other than the possibility of Simon greedily backing it with the reasoning that it'd be like One Direction without having to pay 4 members, but it wasn't very good. I'd at least say she was cute, but only a paltry 99% of the world's population agrees that is a perfectly normal thing to think, but alas she has not reached the western benchmark of maturity to be able to take out a loan she can never pay back.

William Roelants - I was going to say the balloons looked like Americans popping the zits on their back after another greasy fried chicken buffet, but he's from Vancouver, though it's even more confusing how he can afford to live there, unless he lives in his car, the situation also mistaken for a Hollywood tourist attraction when described as "The Lee DeWyze Experience".

Chiko - It was a nice balancing act, although one that has probably been done at least 10 times before. It seems he'll have to keep raising the maximum height on his structures until he's doing a handstand on top of Jacob's Ladder, which would fit perfectly with my pastime of yelling Richard Dawkins quotes in any situation that doesn't reinforce my belief of having lived several past lives as a single celled algae.

Abbie and Ellie Smith - What are the judges talking about, they looked great! Upon realizing that in this rare instance, women were judged for something other than appearance, my opinion immediately lined up with Simon's like a little rat, out of desperation to be liked.

Marcus Terell - With my total inability to read obvious cues and body language, this was definitely a performance for the women, probably for his wife specifically. I'm hoping that line makes sense, since this clip lasted like 10 seconds, so I don't even remember if I'm recalling it right.

Connor Johnson - It was another musical performance that I could match or exceed if I wanted to (and no I will not prove it). I thought it was kinda boring, though him pretending to be oblivious to women wanting him when it's probably been that way his whole life is always annoying. He said his mother was a nurse in the military, which reminded me of my time in the corps and when I was taken to the infirmary for what they thought was a landmine to the crotch before I checked the female box on the insurance paperwork *sigh - I should've waited for modern technology where they can.....uh, nevermind. I naturally assumed there was someone backstage singing his songs for him out of petty jealousy, as I refuse to accept there are people who strive for excellence in any area other than Final Fantasy.

MPLUSPLUS - With all the colors of the rainbow, I assumed this was a celebration of the relational institution that is banned in their country, however convoluted such a thing would be. I don't see how this would take 12 years to make, unless the claims of them getting a whole one day off a week have been exaggerated for the sake of diplomacy. It didn't look very unique at all to what has been seen before, which again may be a national preference, as the Japanese still flock en masse every year to the 70th identical Godzilla movie. I obviously have nothing real to say about it.

The Dremeka Choir - For the country who is probably largely unaware that they're going to hell (*teehee), the demonic noises strike a chord with them. Even though I like metal and am not in a movie where the plot is I'm stuck as a 15 year old forever, it was a pretty poor attempt at making it have any sort of mass appeal, as it just sounded unpleasant.

Lily Meola - This season seems pretty lacking in sob stories and even the few that are shown aren't milked for drama. Cancer is a serious thing, as it quickly can wither you down to 80 pounds and by that I mean the European's life savings after doctors bully him into paying for treatments whose sales pitch is that it will kill him more quickly. Of course I swear by the healing properties of a quartz necklace that I bought from a guru who is now in jail. Anyways, I thought the song was pretty good, though it seems there have been 10 golden buzzers already.

Jordan Conley - It wasn't really that funny, but obviously the attempt was there, which is what separates a nod of respect and kicking a hole in the TV.

Merissa Beddows - How is she only 23, she looks so mature - obviously not helped by singing a song by Judy Garland, who I'm convinced was born 40. Could it be that the generation who didn't cry over Marvel characters were actually more healthy than this one? A possibility I won't soon be entertaining, lest I be tempted to stop crying about my body on Instagram and do something about it. Anyways, the dice with names seems to be a recurring prop, which in this case was especially useless when there was nothing random about it.

Siegfried and Joy - The 4 Xs hanging from the ceiling indicate the strength of alcohol required to sit through this. I don't get why some garbage acts are instantly kicked off and some are praised, unless it's just as simple as the crowd being told to like, which is a privilege I reserve for Anderson Cooper, whom I give a gold medal in truthtelling, despite his takes making me fight my NBC News-indoctrinated neighbor over whose spoonfed beliefs are slightly less fraudulent on a weekly basis. Not much to say, it was crap.

///

I wish the acts were interesting enough to provide some decent writing material, but they weren't, which is why most of it is the familiar nonsense.

Edited June 29, 2022 by InternetToughGuy

[marketdoctor]

Did anyone else think Dremeka Choir was an effort to have the opposite of a Christian choir?

Maybe just me.

Either way, this was an "I'm out for the season" episode, but good luck.  (I'll still be here, enjoying the recaps, so thanks there.)

[Mr. Sparkle]

I agree, this was a boring episode. They should really cut it down to 4 audition rounds. 

Anyway, we start with a commercial and a dumb judge's sketch. 

• Nicholas Ribs - cool tricks, but lousy showmanship. 
• Bicycle comedian - so help me, I laughed at one of his jokes. 
• Mr. Pants - dumb, but likeable. He's not advancing much further. 
• Mia Morris - I thought she was cool. She'll be out after her next audition because the judges really don't want to see any different. 
• Balloon popper - dumb
• Chiko - so boring. We've seen this a million times. 
• Redhead singers - zzzzzzz. Simon should have asked them to sing a different song. 
• Connor Johnson - our first "do you have another song" of the season. Perfectly average singer, but he's a cute boy singing non-threatening songs, so he should go pretty far. 
• M++ - I've seen this at circuses before. Whatever. 
• The Dremeka Choir - well, it was different. I did like the Britney Spears cover. 
• Lily Meola - I saw that Golden Buzzer coming from a mile away. Perfectly adequate singer with a sob story? She could win this! 
• Jordon the comedian - likeable, but the material wasn't there. 
• Opera Impressions - I liked her, and her act held my interest. 
• Siegfried and Joy - kind of funny.

Only 15 or so episodes to go! 

[ams1001]

1 hour ago, Superclam said:

Connor Johnson - our first "do you have another song" of the season. Perfectly average singer, but he's a cute boy singing non-threatening songs, so he should go pretty far. 

No, they did it with Kieran Rhodes (piano singer) last week, too. I had to go back to last week's thread to find out who it was, though. I remember commenting on it at the time but couldn't for the life of me remember which act it was.

Reading the comments this morning, I had to google no less than three names to remind myself who the hell they were.

[Mr. Sparkle]

2 hours ago, ams1001 said:

No, they did it with Kieran Rhodes (piano singer) last week, too. I had to go back to last week's thread to find out who it was, though. I remember commenting on it at the time but couldn't for the life of me remember which act it was.

You are correct, at least I think so, because I barely remember anyone from this show. Very unmemorable season so far. I can't think of a single notable act. 

ETA: Billy Joel kid. I think his second song was a bit better, whereas last night's second song was as dreary as the first. 

[Tango64]

They should just go ahead and release the golden confetti as soon as someone says "cancer." It would save some time.

[yankeefan]

21 hours ago, ams1001 said:

WHY DOES SOPHIA YELL SO MUCH?

I wasn't expecting it but Mr. Pants got me because I'm a sucker for a good/bad pun.

"Hold up...do you have a second song?" This is getting old. 

I'm also getting tired of Simon saying "I'm going to give you 4000 yeses", sometimes preceded by "I'm not going to give you a yes...." I don't know why, but it just grates on me.

[Vermicious Knid]

Oh, I forgot to comment on the guy with the balloons. It reminded me of this Monty Python sketch.

[dmmetler]

The vocal impressions changing the song was done better by the Brown brothers. And it's hard to see it as something new when someone else did it a few weeks back. She has a good voice,but the options were picked to be in her singing range and weren't huge changes. Not impressed. 

[Lonesome Rhodes]

Amongst the boringest AGTs evah.  The best bit for me, honestly, was the Kia commercial with Simon breaking the 3rd wall acknowledging his lie (bikes are completely safe) to us.  I give credit for TPTB incorporating the bit into the jidges being late.  That had to cost Kia Motors a pretty penny.

It's a truly sad day when backing tracks, of themselves, are swooned over.   Halfway through the song, the tracks supposedly representing what she had laid down in front of us were switched entirely to a very different set of tracks.  She didn't do it as she was drumming.  Did dad?

Opera singer really does have talent.  Simon displayed his greatest talent when he lied his a$$ off about this kind of act being spot on the current music trends.  

Jordon was the best comedian of all the auditions.  He was totally committed to entertaining.  His material was actually decent, too.

Lite-Brite of Japan was darn good.   It had the feeling, though, of being a segment of any given Cirque du Soleil show.  I hope they get to the finals.

Dutiful daughter non-label recording artist annoyed the crap out of me.  I also went home to care for my dying mother.  Millions have.  Trust me, you do not want to hear the dulcet tones from moi.  You can send the annuity to me, though.  I won't mind.

I refuse to give "magic" credit to anyone who uses some type of electronic gadgetry table.  Sure, it takes some talent to manipulate it and create a hook and/or storyline.  But, until one of these acts pulls out something like a grown elephant, spare me.

At least we got to hear most of Alice's "School's Out."  Now, I am out.