S26.E08: Week 8

[JenE4]

10 minutes ago, mirandroid said:

Uck. Flapjack was so deluded. Confidence is fine, but arrogance? Not so much.

Clayton is just so boring. Serene dodged a bullet and so will anyone else who doesn't "win". 

Ben Flajnick and Bob Guiney (not sure that I spelled their names correctly) were amongst the first Bachelorette rejects to be handed the lead role. While The Bachelorette has always been a sweetheart reject that viewers at home related to and rooted for, for many years The Bachelor was cast as “an aspirational catch” from outside Bachelor Nation. Ben supposedly owned a winery?! But I tend to think it was just him and some buddies home brewing rather than owning some vast vineyard estate. But I think he was chosen because he had a “job title” that was appealing, and viewers were already hooked into his story, like we’d been with The Bachelorettes. Because it was a much more “exclusive” role back then, Ben really let it get to his head!! But now the last 10-15 years has been regular old people appear on our TV screens for some time and then move on to some social media presence for as long as they can milk it, there really isn’t anything “special” about the leads anymore. Back in the day, you really believed Andrew Firestone was going to give you this princess life living in a mansion just like this one and jetting off to fabulous locales for exclusive dates. If you squinted hard enough, you might delude yourself into thinking the same with a winery owner. Now it’s like, do we go back to our regular lives in medical sales and teaching—or maybe we can throw together a podcast for extra cash?

[mirandroid]

5 minutes ago, JenE4 said:

Ben supposedly owned a winery?! But I tend to think it was just him and some buddies home brewing rather than owning some vast vineyard estate.

We used to joke that it was toilet wine.

[Rainsong]

The challenge is large. And small. Typing this missive on an iPad instead of an ergonomic keyboard and gazing lovingly (?) at a widescreen monitor is tricky, especially after arduous duty floating in a pool under clear 80 degree blue skies and after a few Swedish and therefore Black Sea conflict-neutral Absolut Lime cocktails. And occasionally pulp from the lime wedge makes the screen messy. And then there's the glare from the sun. It really is a hard knock life.

Boast? No. Complaint? No. Confession? That’s probably more accurate. This should be the Least Dramatic Bachelor Post In History™ but given the morose crew and their lack of love, lust or mere like no promises can be made that the good mood will extend to *drum roll* Hometowns.

Clayton has been talking about hometowns the way he used to talk about homecoming in football ie excitedly. More excitedly, it must be said, than any of his encounters with or references to any of the, um, lucky foursome remaining. He’s just a little too eager to meet the families, jut the jaw, don the hairshirt and play the unctuous pure and innocent lad courting the daughter/sister/friend of the families. At the behest of the producers, there will be a designated ‘sharp tongue’ in each family. Each will be modeled (unwittingly) after Tom Sawyer’s Aunt Polly who was described by Twain thus:

Quote

‘Like many other simple-hearted souls, it was her pet vanity to believe she was endowed with a talent for dark and mysterious diplomacy, and she loved to contemplate her most transparent devices as marvels of low cunning.’

As I paste that passage I think I may have used it before to describe the family member who feigns enthusiasm, then feigns skepticism and hostility, then feigns Damascene conversion to being the Bachelor’s biggest fan - apart from the Bachelorette herself who has been trying way too hard since the cameras rolled after she got out of bed that morning.

We tease the simian Clayton mercilessly but we have made a good-faith attempt to accept and support him even if our agenda is focused largely on getting this franchise back to its intended purpose: a bit of froth, fun, and even a bit of lust (something entirely normal and natural where attractive young singles are concerned) rather than the disastrous diversions into off-topic territory that its cast and producers are simply unqualified and unprepared to handle.

Clayton has not repaid our efforts. The references to The Journey™ are too numerous to count and each successive reference sounds less and less sincere. It’s almost literal mail order bride stuff. Size, pattern, personality, package. Clayton is approaching Someone I Could Be With For The Rest Of My Life with the same spirit he would buy shoes from Zappos.

On the subject of technology, many have lamented that social media has holed this program and its premise below the waterline and the ship sinking is a very real possibility. By now, there are no wide-eyed innocents teaching school or working retail or attending university, plucked from obscurity or submitted by well-meaning friends to become Bachelorettes. Instead, there are cynical chancers who would welcome a chance to travel, date a bit and enjoy the experience without risking (intentionally) an all-or-nothing emotional commitment. And, of course, there is notoriety (or a skewed form of celebrity although that line is increasingly blurred) and, they hope, money on offer. Considerable sums for little more than taking and posting selfies wearing certain clothes, hawking certain products despite an already-crowded field. Some, like Shanae, are so obvious and ham-fisted that their plan may backfire. Others may more skillfully emote on cue, say all the right things and parlay public sympathy (and more prurient interests) into income. Serial tragic jiltee Kristina Schulman springs to mind.

The point is that most or all of the cast are far too cynical at an age when idealism should not yet have been crowded out by the vicissitudes of life.

Audiences are in a similar boat. Instagram sleuths, Twitter juries, bloggers and, yes, web forumites are well-rehearsed at digging up details, spoilers, backstories etc. Our hearts are often in the right place. We don’t want to see bad actors, agents provocateur, plants and shills rewarded. We also don’t want to be taken completely for a ride even if we initially agree to go.

But, given the mindless programming on ABC and the even more mindless (and earsplitting) advertising, especially on this show, it’s clear that the producers are playing a recursive game of expectations by setting the bar low for audience and participants alike and lowering it even more as needed. In the early days it was portrayed as a means of finding a mate for a James Bondian playboy with an exotic career and/or a mysterious background. In the latter day it’s a desultory Tinder-like exercise in arranging dates between an inarticulate emotionally stunted clod and some anxious women whose biological clocks are ticking like a Geiger counter but whose emotions are oddly muffled under a heavy tarpaulin of psychotropic drugs - except when they’re tearing strips off each other.

Clayton is dancing around the L word like a cone in a football agility drill. He says ‘It could be very well that I’ve already begun to fall in love.’ We will avoid attempting to diagram that sentence. From what we’ve seen, Susie’s lead on the field is similar to that of Secretariat’s in the 1973 Belmont Stakes but Clayton is still doing his level best to play his role and pump up what little suspense remains.

‘Family is important to X and that’s what makes X attractive to me,’ goes the stock standard line. Ah, so it wasn’t the slinky dresses, bathing suits or soul kisses then? And has there been a Bachelorette who declared that family WASN’T important? Even when the family appeared to be a random selection of people?

A churl might ask if family approval is actually a non-negotiable element of a relationship or ‘everlasting love’ if the principals are otherwise fully committed. Being overly reliant on other people’s opinions – or even substituting them for one’s own – is evidence of an external locus of control which is the jumping-off point for disorders too numerous to count but they include codependency and anxiety disorder. Many a male – and many a female – has lamented a significant other who, despite marriage, advancing age, etc. still calls Mom every day or about every little thing.

Most of our red-blooded Bachelors, thankfully, have viewed these turnouts as a necessary evil. Pass the test and a fantasy suite awaits. Mama’s Boy Clayton is a little too enthusiastic to meet the clans where he can do his hail fellow well met act.

[Editor’s note: this writer has returned to his comfortable keyboard and monitor. Crucially, an edited copy of the episode allows more focus on the events therein. More crucially, playing it at 1.5x speed reduces the annoyance factor of the Bachelor and the dialogue, especially the Bachelor’s own dialogue.]

[Second editor’s note:  it is now Wednesday. Finishing and posting this now may render some or all of it moot vis-à-vis existing posts.]

Susie as the first hometown may seem the safe option for Clayton but for the rest of us it’s a harrowing experience in hearing ‘like…but like…like…and like’ peppering every sentence. Unfortunately, Susie is Shakespeare alongside the vocabulary-deficient Clayton and his haircut which has gone from unkempt to flat-out sloppy. Most females place grooming at or near the top of any list of desired traits in a partner. Between Clayton’s birdsnest hairdo, the prevalence of acne, rash or blemishes on his neck (possibly the long term remnants of steroid use), the scraggly beard and the hopeless wardrobe choices we can safely conclude such considerations are near the bottom of his own list.

‘We were just talking about you,’ reveals Susie’s dad.  Oh really?  With the presence of klieg lights, boom mics, a video crew and the long overseas absence of your daughter what else would you be talking about?

Either Susie’s parents have allowed themselves to be fobbed off with the most anodyne twaddle from Clayton or they have decided discretion is the better part of valor and are keen to limit his presence in their home.

Gabby is next and wastes an extended hot tub session by, well, gabbing her head off rather than providing some much-needed positive physical reinforcement in the seclusion of nature. Clayton is back to mismatching a speckled sweater with a plaid sportcoat from the Herb Tarlek Collection (ask yer dad) and I wish that some family member had the temerity to laugh openly at the sartorial smash-up. Gabby’s grandfather resembles Peanuts cartoonist Charles M. Schulz but is far less creative with generic instructions to ‘be good to her.’ Her supposedly absent father arrives with Bob Dylanesque Subterranean Homesick Blues cue cards expressing his views.  Couldn’t they at least have given the poor sod a bullhorn instead? Gabby has been crying all day and the taps open wide once Dad arrives.  Any Bachelor with ‘emotional stability’ on his shopping list might decide Gabby is a bit too fragile for his tastes. Clayton is ‘excited’ for the 8,294th time – putting that word in competition with ‘journey’ for most utterances in a season.

Oklahoma. Clayton is excited (permanently). Serene is excited. They should split the cost of a thesaurus to find a synonym. Clayton has picked out one of his favorite underwear tops. God knows what his boxers look like.

‘Doin’ the obstacle course can kinda like tie into a relationship.’ That is a verbatim quote. If anyone can decipher it, the next round’s on me. It’s symbolic of the narcissism now at the core of program that the GoPro cameras are focused on their faces, not on the path in front of them. And the last thing we need is a closeup shot of 20 inches of Clayton’s teeth splayed across 70 inches of TV screen.  Clayton attempts to dude-bro himself into jumping off the ledge. Given subsequent events, Serene should have given him a swift kick up the backside as ‘help.’

Tonight, the role of designated cryer will be played by…Serene’s brother. Do women really call their brothers at 3 AM after a breakup, an argument or a disappointing date? Massive points to Serene’s friend Melanie who merely offers a skeptical and businesslike handshake.

The obvious finalists bookend the episode with Rachel and her clunky sneakers that do nothing for her pear shape. It would be indiscreet to snicker at the prospect of the couple in a tiny kayak navigating alligator-infested waterways. It would be rational to ask why they’re doing it in the first place. It would be even more rational to ask why they’re rolling around in the shallows with or without the obviously-placed Kissing Tree sign. Recreating the From Here To Eternity beach scene is apropos because this season has seemed like an eternity – we’re reduced to watching with detachment to see the result and move on.

Dad Tony isn’t big on eye contact…or sitting still while having a conversation. Twitchier than a weather vane in a tornado. About ‘friend’ Nate, let’s just say that his TV viewing involves programming that doesn’t involve screenfuls of women. Nate actually utters the phrase ‘pick up the pieces.’ Friend Sam has chosen an odd look – a shirt with the top few buttons undone but with the rest of the shirt tugged closer to the neckline. Compared to Clayton, of course, she looks positively chic. Tony’s mood levelers aren’t managing to keep pace as he oscillates between tears and teeth gritted in anger. Normally we might poke fun at his Neanderthal remarks about ‘beating up’ miscreant boyfriends of the past but we wouldn’t mind watching him lose his rag now and putting Jabberjaw in a headlock and pulling out a hank of his hair as a warning.

Jesse Palmer’s contract is of the Found Money variety no matter what they’re paying him. Compared to Chris Harrison he’s barely appeared on camera and he certainly hasn’t offered to play agony aunt although dial-tone Clayton hasn’t been through much agony. Yet.

Serene is no fool and probably worked out that giving Gabby the middle rose meant she was heading home. Just cause for a 3 AM phone to call to Roland, to be fair.  Clayton probably also worked out that keeping Gabby – in third place – will make choosing the final two even easier although previews indicate his, er, vulnerability will get the better of him as he bed-hops.

Edited March 2, 2022 by Rainsong

[MMLEsq]

On 2/28/2022 at 10:36 PM, Katie111 said:

Rachels outfit was not flattering at all when they were kayaking.   

 

On 3/1/2022 at 10:55 AM, Alexander Pope said:

Rachel's cheap white tank over a black bra was not a good look.  And her jorts were stumpifying.  But it was really all about the bikini.

Rachel's kayaking outfit was a terrible choice.  The shorts looked horrible on her and, to make matters worse, they used a camera angle near the beginning where the inches of her dark roots were on full display.  I almost felt sorry for her.

[Lamb18]

2 hours ago, mirandroid said:

We used to joke that it was toilet wine.

Maybe he had a still in the back yard.

[LuvMyShows]

On 3/1/2022 at 7:50 AM, Koalagirl said:

On the Game of Roses podcast they call the jump the Huju (hug/jump) and rate them as if it were an Olympic event.  The term has been adopted by some of those in the Bachelor world who use the word in their Instagram/TikToks. 

I think Bachelor Handshake is best, but I also like the Jump and Straddle (from Lincee's I Hate Green Beans recap/podcast).

On 2/28/2022 at 9:20 PM, Jax7917 said:

I originally didn’t think so but how could it be that every single contestant ever on the show felt the need to do that ? They have to be told to do that . 

Can't remember if it was Rachel who sort of tried letting Clayton do it, but what was interesting about it, was that what they were saying was something like, "Should you do it or should I?", as though they had been specifically instructed at that moment to do it.

On 2/28/2022 at 10:24 PM, Kiss my mutt said:

Clayton looks like he could be related to Shayne from Love is Blind and as big of a tool to boot. 

Cannot believe I am defending Clayton, but...he is just dull and misguided sometimes.  Shayne is an a**hole.

18 hours ago, Alexander Pope said:

Serene is gorgeous but her head is very big for her body.  From some angles she looks like a bobble head.

It's the Nancy Reagan effect!

[LuvMyShows]

On 2/28/2022 at 9:21 PM, Lamb18 said:

Clayton has borderline moobs.

What's more distracting to me is how he walks, sort of a weird straddle duck walk.  It was particularly noticeable in a previous episode where we saw him walking up a flight of stairs, and he looked like he was walking with a load in his diapers!

20 hours ago, Kiss my mutt said:

I always thought Bob Guinea was up there in ugliest bachelors with his pig face. 

Love those old-school references!  Reminds me that my son asked if I could name every lead from the Bach/ette.  So I started calling out names and he looked on Wiki to get the right order.  My ordering wasn't very good but I did get all the Bachelorettes.  And I got all the Bachelors except one.  I told him not to tell me the missing one.  It took a whole weekend, but finally "Aaron Buerge" came to me!

[LuvMyShows]

 

On 2/28/2022 at 8:17 PM, Lamb18 said:

Susie is really nice. I hope she "loses".

I was pleasantly surprised with how normally she was talking while giving her prerequisite sob story to him...she came off like a real person, not like an adoring Rachel automaton.

I did have to laugh at all the editing incongruities with Susie's hometown versus the talking heads about it.  I usually am not very good at spotting them, but there were a lot.  In her TH from the jujitsu, she had full make-up on, which she did not have for the actual date.  For the visit with her family, she was wearing a plain white-ish crewneck sweater and her hair was parted in the middle.  But in her TH with that sweater, her hair was parted on the side.  However in most of her THs for the visit, she was wearing a completely different white sweater -- a couple times it was a patterned whiter crewneck sweater, and a couple times it was a scoopneck whiter sweater.

I was also a little confused about where she took Clay-un.  Her chryon all year has said she is from Virginia Beach, VA.  But the first place they went was to Poquoson, even though they didn't actually go to any particular site or house, so I couldn't figure why they were there.  (From the look of the water/trees, I'd guess they were at the Plum Tree Island National Wildlife Refuge.)  But then they showed the Virginia Beach Fishing Pier, for their heart-to-heart-on-a-low-wall-by-the-sea, and that is an hour away from Poquoson.  Then they went to visit her family, and I don't think they showed which location the family was in.

On 2/28/2022 at 8:28 PM, JenE4 said:

Everybody knows that Gabby is the funniest person alive? Nobody knows that Gabby is the funniest person alive. Have we ever heard Gabby say anything funny? 

And I totally blame the producers for that.  We get to know so very little about the contestants, and about their interactions with the lead, because they spend far too much time on the Cassidy and Shenae type of dramatic shenanigans that are just OTT and not even interesting.

[Andyourlittledog2]

4 hours ago, Rainsong said:

[Second editor’s note:  it is now Wednesday. Finishing and posting this now may render some or all of it moot vis-à-vis existing posts.]

I've been waiting for three days for your post and it was worth it. Thank you. I hate Hometowns almost as much as WTA so looking forward to your post was the only thing that got me through this episode. With a bonus Mark Twain quote, no less.  🙂

That whole From Here to Eternity scene mystified me. I realize it is supposed to look sexy but I cannot imagine anything less so in the execution of it. Plus you've just emphasized the alligators and snakes and giant spiders so is it really rational to roll around in the sandy shallows on that particular waterway?  You couldn't pay me enough.

[SassyCat]

The only really funny thing I’ve seen Gabby say/do was when she hoisted those two bottles of champagne to her guzzling mouth when they all found out Shanae was gone.

At her hometown with Clayton she was trying to be so funny (it wasn’t working) and she had this continual forced laughter, laughing at her own “jokes”, trying to get Clayton to think she was a witty comedian. Then she was acting like his mommy when helping him with his shoes, which he didn’t want help with. I suppose that was to imply shes so caring and nuturing towards her man. That poor girl was really trying too hard to appear like she was some zany fun chick. It just came off as desperate.

Most of this episode I missed because of a phone call, but I am not even caring enough to rewatch it on hulu for those missed bits.

[nlkm9]

7 hours ago, Jax7917 said:

Gabby's way of speaking reminds me of Crystal from Ari's season. I think that's way I can't find her genuine and sweet, because Crystal was a mess and her voice was so annoying. There's no way they aren't putting on those porn star voices.

Im so glad im not the only one. I fear the 2 finalists are both breathy bimbos. but Rachel with the posing and the whispering , UGH. how can it not bother these women they caly!un is having heavy duty makeout sessions with all the woman. Ugh!!! But Gabby and her desperation...its sad, so sad.

[nlkm9]

6 hours ago, Rainsong said:

The challenge is large. And small. Typing this missive on an iPad instead of an ergonomic keyboard and gazing lovingly (?) at a widescreen monitor is tricky, especially after arduous duty floating in a pool under clear 80 degree blue skies and after a few Swedish and therefore Black Sea conflict-neutral Absolut Lime cocktails. And occasionally pulp from the lime wedge makes the screen messy. And then there's the glare from the sun. It really is a hard knock life.

Boast? No. Complaint? No. Confession? That’s probably more accurate. This should be the Least Dramatic Bachelor Post In History™ but given the morose crew and their lack of love, lust or mere like no promises can be made that the good mood will extend to *drum roll* Hometowns.

Clayton has been talking about hometowns the way he used to talk about homecoming in football ie excitedly. More excitedly, it must be said, than any of his encounters with or references to any of the, um, lucky foursome remaining. He’s just a little too eager to meet the families, jut the jaw, don the hairshirt and play the unctuous pure and innocent lad courting the daughter/sister/friend of the families. At the behest of the producers, there will be a designated ‘sharp tongue’ in each family. Each will be modeled (unwittingly) after Tom Sawyer’s Aunt Polly who was described by Twain thus:

As I paste that passage I think I may have used it before to describe the family member who feigns enthusiasm, then feigns skepticism and hostility, then feigns Damascene conversion to being the Bachelor’s biggest fan - apart from the Bachelorette herself who has been trying way too hard since the cameras rolled after she got out of bed that morning.

We tease the simian Clayton mercilessly but we have made a good-faith attempt to accept and support him even if our agenda is focused largely on getting this franchise back to its intended purpose: a bit of froth, fun, and even a bit of lust (something entirely normal and natural where attractive young singles are concerned) rather than the disastrous diversions into off-topic territory that its cast and producers are simply unqualified and unprepared to handle.

Clayton has not repaid our efforts. The references to The Journey™ are too numerous to count and each successive reference sounds less and less sincere. It’s almost literal mail order bride stuff. Size, pattern, personality, package. Clayton is approaching Someone I Could Be With For The Rest Of My Life with the same spirit he would buy shoes from Zappos.

On the subject of technology, many have lamented that social media has holed this program and its premise below the waterline and the ship sinking is a very real possibility. By now, there are no wide-eyed innocents teaching school or working retail or attending university, plucked from obscurity or submitted by well-meaning friends to become Bachelorettes. Instead, there are cynical chancers who would welcome a chance to travel, date a bit and enjoy the experience without risking (intentionally) an all-or-nothing emotional commitment. And, of course, there is notoriety (or a skewed form of celebrity although that line is increasingly blurred) and, they hope, money on offer. Considerable sums for little more than taking and posting selfies wearing certain clothes, hawking certain products despite an already-crowded field. Some, like Shanae, are so obvious and ham-fisted that their plan may backfire. Others may more skillfully emote on cue, say all the right things and parlay public sympathy (and more prurient interests) into income. Serial tragic jiltee Kristina Schulman springs to mind.

The point is that most or all of the cast are far too cynical at an age when idealism should not yet have been crowded out by the vicissitudes of life.

Audiences are in a similar boat. Instagram sleuths, Twitter juries, bloggers and, yes, web forumites are well-rehearsed at digging up details, spoilers, backstories etc. Our hearts are often in the right place. We don’t want to see bad actors, agents provocateur, plants and shills rewarded. We also don’t want to be taken completely for a ride even if we initially agree to go.

But, given the mindless programming on ABC and the even more mindless (and earsplitting) advertising, especially on this show, it’s clear that the producers are playing a recursive game of expectations by setting the bar low for audience and participants alike and lowering it even more as needed. In the early days it was portrayed as a means of finding a mate for a James Bondian playboy with an exotic career and/or a mysterious background. In the latter day it’s a desultory Tinder-like exercise in arranging dates between an inarticulate emotionally stunted clod and some anxious women whose biological clocks are ticking like a Geiger counter but whose emotions are oddly muffled under a heavy tarpaulin of psychotropic drugs - except when they’re tearing strips off each other.

Clayton is dancing around the L word like a cone in a football agility drill. He says ‘It could be very well that I’ve already begun to fall in love.’ We will avoid attempting to diagram that sentence. From what we’ve seen, Susie’s lead on the field is similar to that of Secretariat’s in the 1973 Belmont Stakes but Clayton is still doing his level best to play his role and pump up what little suspense remains.

‘Family is important to X and that’s what makes X attractive to me,’ goes the stock standard line. Ah, so it wasn’t the slinky dresses, bathing suits or soul kisses then? And has there been a Bachelorette who declared that family WASN’T important? Even when the family appeared to be a random selection of people?

A churl might ask if family approval is actually a non-negotiable element of a relationship or ‘everlasting love’ if the principals are otherwise fully committed. Being overly reliant on other people’s opinions – or even substituting them for one’s own – is evidence of an external locus of control which is the jumping-off point for disorders too numerous to count but they include codependency and anxiety disorder. Many a male – and many a female – has lamented a significant other who, despite marriage, advancing age, etc. still calls Mom every day or about every little thing.

Most of our red-blooded Bachelors, thankfully, have viewed these turnouts as a necessary evil. Pass the test and a fantasy suite awaits. Mama’s Boy Clayton is a little too enthusiastic to meet the clans where he can do his hail fellow well met act.

[Editor’s note: this writer has returned to his comfortable keyboard and monitor. Crucially, an edited copy of the episode allows more focus on the events therein. More crucially, playing it at 1.5x speed reduces the annoyance factor of the Bachelor and the dialogue, especially the Bachelor’s own dialogue.]

[Second editor’s note:  it is now Wednesday. Finishing and posting this now may render some or all of it moot vis-à-vis existing posts.]

Susie as the first hometown may seem the safe option for Clayton but for the rest of us it’s a harrowing experience in hearing ‘like…but like…like…and like’ peppering every sentence. Unfortunately, Susie is Shakespeare alongside the vocabulary-deficient Clayton and his haircut which has gone from unkempt to flat-out sloppy. Most females place grooming at or near the top of any list of desired traits in a partner. Between Clayton’s birdsnest hairdo, the prevalence of acne, rash or blemishes on his neck (possibly the long term remnants of steroid use), the scraggly beard and the hopeless wardrobe choices we can safely conclude such considerations are near the bottom of his own list.

‘We were just talking about you,’ reveals Susie’s dad.  Oh really?  With the presence of klieg lights, boom mics, a video crew and the long overseas absence of your daughter what else would you be talking about?

Either Susie’s parents have allowed themselves to be fobbed off with the most anodyne twaddle from Clayton or they have decided discretion is the better part of valor and are keen to limit his presence in their home.

Gabby is next and wastes an extended hot tub session by, well, gabbing her head off rather than providing some much-needed positive physical reinforcement in the seclusion of nature. Clayton is back to mismatching a speckled sweater with a plaid sportcoat from the Herb Tarlek Collection (ask yer dad) and I wish that some family member had the temerity to laugh openly at the sartorial smash-up. Gabby’s grandfather resembles Peanuts cartoonist Charles M. Schulz but is far less creative with generic instructions to ‘be good to her.’ Her supposedly absent father arrives with Bob Dylanesque Subterranean Homesick Blues cue cards expressing his views.  Couldn’t they at least have given the poor sod a bullhorn instead? Gabby has been crying all day and the taps open wide once Dad arrives.  Any Bachelor with ‘emotional stability’ on his shopping list might decide Gabby is a bit too fragile for his tastes. Clayton is ‘excited’ for the 8,294th time – putting that word in competition with ‘journey’ for most utterances in a season.

Oklahoma. Clayton is excited (permanently). Serene is excited. They should split the cost of a thesaurus to find a synonym. Clayton has picked out one of his favorite underwear tops. God knows what his boxers look like.

‘Doin’ the obstacle course can kinda like tie into a relationship.’ That is a verbatim quote. If anyone can decipher it, the next round’s on me. It’s symbolic of the narcissism now at the core of program that the GoPro cameras are focused on their faces, not on the path in front of them. And the last thing we need is a closeup shot of 20 inches of Clayton’s teeth splayed across 70 inches of TV screen.  Clayton attempts to dude-bro himself into jumping off the ledge. Given subsequent events, Serene should have given him a swift kick up the backside as ‘help.’

Tonight, the role of designated cryer will be played by…Serene’s brother. Do women really call their brothers at 3 AM after a breakup, an argument or a disappointing date? Massive points to Serene’s friend Melanie who merely offers a skeptical and businesslike handshake.

The obvious finalists bookend the episode with Rachel and her clunky sneakers that do nothing for her pear shape. It would be indiscreet to snicker at the prospect of the couple in a tiny kayak navigating alligator-infested waterways. It would be rational to ask why they’re doing it in the first place. It would be even more rational to ask why they’re rolling around in the shallows with or without the obviously-placed Kissing Tree sign. Recreating the From Here To Eternity beach scene is apropos because this season has seemed like an eternity – we’re reduced to watching with detachment to see the result and move on.

Dad Tony isn’t big on eye contact…or sitting still while having a conversation. Twitchier than a weather vane in a tornado. About ‘friend’ Nate, let’s just say that his TV viewing involves programming that doesn’t involve screenfuls of women. Nate actually utters the phrase ‘pick up the pieces.’ Friend Sam has chosen an odd look – a shirt with the top few buttons undone but with the rest of the shirt tugged closer to the neckline. Compared to Clayton, of course, she looks positively chic. Tony’s mood levelers aren’t managing to keep pace as he oscillates between tears and teeth gritted in anger. Normally we might poke fun at his Neanderthal remarks about ‘beating up’ miscreant boyfriends of the past but we wouldn’t mind watching him lose his rag now and putting Jabberjaw in a headlock and pulling out a hank of his hair as a warning.

Jesse Palmer’s contract is of the Found Money variety no matter what they’re paying him. Compared to Chris Harrison he’s barely appeared on camera and he certainly hasn’t offered to play agony aunt although dial-tone Clayton hasn’t been through much agony. Yet.

Serene is no fool and probably worked out that giving Gabby the middle rose meant she was heading home. Just cause for a 3 AM phone to call to Roland, to be fair.  Clayton probably also worked out that keeping Gabby – in third place – will make choosing the final two even easier although previews indicate his, er, vulnerability will get the better of him as he bed-hops.

Rainsong, you really are the best. 

[Hip-to-be-Square]

I'm not a fan of Gabby with her slurred babytalk fake voice or her try hard goofy humor.  Has this series ever cast a woman with a deeper voice? I can barely hear any of these high-pitched voices and maybe it's a blessing that I'm partially deaf.   Funniest woman alive?! To a dull guy like Clayton!  

Edited March 3, 2022 by Hip-to-be-Square

[GracieK]

On 3/1/2022 at 7:30 PM, Alexander Pope said:

Serene is gorgeous but her head is very big for her body.  From some angles she looks like a bobble head.

Yes!!! I almost posted this several times. She’s like Giada De Laurentiis - definitely a bobble head. She’s pretty but I don’t see the knockout everyone else seems to see. 

Edited March 3, 2022 by GracieK

[Sweet-tea]

On 3/2/2022 at 10:43 AM, mirandroid said:

We used to joke that it was toilet wine.

Didn’t my beloved Andrew Firestone also own a winery? Sigh. He was my favorite. It was back when the show seemed romantic and quaint compared to now. 

The constant “likes” were so rampant I was counting them as if they were the f-word in R-rated movies, which are also overused IMO. I remembered being in a group therapy session once and this woman (who was kind of a know-it-all) claimed that millennials use “like” as a verbal crutch and older generations (Gen X and Baby Boomers) use “um.” I don’t know if there’s any science to this as the woman had an opinion on everything and pretty much hijacked the session, but it’s an interesting notion. 

Quote

Yes!!! I almost posted this several times. She’s like Giada De Laurentiis - definitely a bobble head.

GracieK, agree with you. Gosh, Giada is so tiny it’s unsettling. I read she doesn’t eat the food she tastes on Chopped and other shows she’s on. She spits it out into a bucket (off camera of course) so she stays skinny. She also seems to love showing cleavage and I think she and Bobby Flay definitely got it on at some point. (Sorry for the off-topic rant!)

I think Bachelorette Meredith had a pleasant, deeper voice. Not Demi Moore deep/raspy but also not the high pitched squeal breathy-disaster we’re hearing so often now. Trisha Rehn definitely had a baby voice. Emily did too. 

I didn’t notice Serena was that thin, but I was probably distracted by her gorgeous face. Will have to go back and look. 

 

Edited March 4, 2022 by Sweet-tea

[ljenkins782]

On 2/28/2022 at 10:35 PM, GracieK said:

I think Rachel knows how to play the game.. including warning how “tough” daddy is only for Clayton to feel so triumphant when he wins him over. Clayton seems insecure and needs his ego stroked.. Rachel should teach a Bachelor master class. 

Yes, from the speed at which tough daddy's eyes welled up, I'm guessing he's a tough looking guy with a marshmallow center and Rachel knows it. Pretending that it was Clayton himself who melted the tough guy's heart is a surefire way to pump up Clayton's ego. And every date with seems to end up horizontal, draped over something, or in this case, lounging in the shallows among the gators, spiders, and, I assume, the bacteria that causes necrotizing fasciitis, so it appears that Rachel has a very specific roadmap to get her to the final rose.

Quote

Rachel does seem in it for the win, more than anything. She was none too pleased with not getting the first rose at the ceremony though.

LOL, the darts in her eyes were priceless. Leaving her til last definitely rattled her cage, even if she was confident she was getting one. She's going to be mighty surprised to find out she's not number one with a bullet. 

RE: being in it for the win, I agree, but also think all of them are to some extent. The fact that all 4 dates seemed identical in tone (activities aside) suggest to me that they're all at the same place in their relationships with Clayton, with both sides playacting to some degree.

Serene is rightfully confused and even after watching the shows, will still be confused. Nothing happened between the date and the ceremony, so she'll be second-guessing herself, even if she wasn't actually that interested in Clayton himself.

Quote

I’m glad it’s not just me. I’m barely watching but my first thought was, I don’t think that dress is supposed to fit like that.

 She has a great body, but that dress was definitely not supposed to fit like that. It bunched in weird spots and clung in other weird spots.

Quote

 Rachel's kayaking outfit was a terrible choice.  The shorts looked horrible on her and, to make matters worse, they used a camera angle near the beginning where the inches of her dark roots were on full display.  I almost felt sorry for her.

Unfortunate hair and wardrobe choices make Rachel seem like a perfect fit for Clayton, they can stumble through life making people look sideways at how two attractive people can find so many ways to detract from their looks. 

[LuvMyShows]

2 hours ago, Sweet-tea said:

I think Bachelorette Meredith had a pleasant, deeper voice.

Not sure, but I also think Catherine (of Sean and Catherine) has a slightly deeper voice and maybe Caelynn (of surprisingly, still, Dean and Caelynn).

[Hip-to-be-Square]

Thank you for all of the deep voice Bachelor contestant recommendations everybody 🙂!  I have a deeper voice than these contestants and it's good to know that at some point women with deep or raspy voices have been cast and have moved up in the dating ranks of this show.  Becca also comes to my mind now as someone with a great, deep voice.  I figured out that I'm annoyed by the higher pitched girly voices this season, because they seem like they're fake and put on to appeal to Clayton. 

[LindaT]

Clayton-vs-Flapjack-vs Bob G. - Clayton is an attractive guy.  He just needs to correct his underbite, grow out his hair, get a totally new hair style and hit the gym.  If he did all of that, he would be very hot!  He also is probably very nervous on camera.  I bet he has a great personality when he is comfortable. So, Flapjack was/is ugly.  No braces or new hair or muscles is going to make that guy attractive.  Flapjack is still and hopefully will always be the winner!  Bob G. was just a little too chubby but I can see where some women might find him attractive. 

 

Edited March 4, 2022 by LindaT

[Alexander Pope]

8 hours ago, LindaT said:

Clayton-vs-Flapjack-vs Bob G. - Clayton is an attractive guy.  He just needs to correct his underbite, grow out his hair, get a totally new hair style and hit the gym.  If he did all of that, he would be very hot!  He also is probably very nervous on camera.  I bet he has a great personality when he is comfortable. So, Flapjack was/is ugly.  No braces or new hair or muscles is going to make that guy attractive.  Flapjack is still and hopefully will always be the winner!  Bob G. was just a little to chubby but I can see where some women might find him attractive. 

Bob looked like a pig, but he had a lot of  joie de vivre.  That can go a long way in making someone appealing.  Flapjack was a pissy sourpuss IMO.  I agree that Clayton could look pretty decent if he did an episode of Queer Eye.

Edited March 4, 2022 by Alexander Pope

[Kiss my mutt]

Nothing that breaking his jaw and resetting wouldn’t help. 

[DEL901]

16 minutes ago, Kiss my mutt said:

Nothing that breaking his jaw and resetting wouldn’t help. 

I had that done as part of my orthodontia about 30 years ago.  Jaw was wired shut for 4 weeks and I lost 15 lbs on my involuntary liquid diet. 

[Crashcourse]

1 hour ago, Kiss my mutt said:

Nothing that breaking his jaw and resetting wouldn’t help. 

It's not that simple.  I had a friend who had that done and she went through hell.  I don't think Clayton's under bite is bad enough to go through that.

[Back Atcha]

30 minutes ago, Crashcourse said:

1 hour ago, Kiss my mutt said:

Nothing that breaking his jaw and resetting wouldn’t help. 

It's not that simple.  I had a friend who had that done and she went through hell.  I don't think Clayton's under bite is bad enough to go through that.

I agree.  A friend had it done in her 30s and I don't think her "maxillofacial" surgeon warned her enough.  She had two years of painful treatments, repairs, and healing (it's bone, people!)...while keeping a husband and two boys fed and happy--and working full-time.  And THEN...and then, years of orthodontia followed.  She said her doctor said her case was "unusual" ... but for me her jaw wasn't NEARLY as under-slung as Clay-UN's.

 

[Back Atcha]

6 hours ago, Hip-to-be-Square said:

I figured out that I'm annoyed by the higher pitched girly voices this season,

Every time (really!) I hear one of those little girl voices on various television shows--competition or not, Dr. Drew pops into my brain and says to each one, "What happened to you when you were six years old?"  (Get my drift?)

[Back Atcha]

On 3/2/2022 at 9:58 AM, Rainsong said:

Between Clayton’s birdsnest hairdo,

I've been hoping someone brought in the name Rand Paul...alas!

19 hours ago, Hip-to-be-Square said:

I'm not a fan of Gabby with her slurred babytalk fake voice or her try hard goofy humor. 

AMEN!!!   She's the perfect "I'll take charge!" type one needs in an ICU nurse!!!   NOT!

[Kiss my mutt]

It was more of a tongue in cheek (or rather, tongue in jaw) remark 😉

[Back Atcha]

On 3/2/2022 at 12:47 PM, LuvMyShows said:

On 3/1/2022 at 5:30 PM, Alexander Pope said:

Serene is gorgeous but her head is very big for her body.  From some angles she looks like a bobble head.

It's the Nancy Reagan effect!

It's the reason Merv Griffin selected Vanna White.

[Hip-to-be-Square]

30 minutes ago, Back Atcha said:

Every time (really!) I hear one of those little girl voices on various television shows--competition or not, Dr. Drew pops into my brain and says to each one, "What happened to you when you were six years old?"  (Get my drift?)

 

 I loved listening to "Loveline" with Adam Carola and Dr. Drew! And every time I hear women with little girl voices on TV or in person, I instantly think that too!!   And yes, Gabby's voice doesn't sound very professional for her position in the ICU- between the up talk, overuse of the word "like" and the slurred sexy girl voice on this season, it would be confusing to listen to her get a point across to a patient- "I like, looked at your chart and your vitals are like, um- failing??? So yeah." 

[chocolatine]

42 minutes ago, Hip-to-be-Square said:

 

 I loved listening to "Loveline" with Adam Carola and Dr. Drew! And every time I hear women with little girl voices on TV or in person, I instantly think that too!!   And yes, Gabby's voice doesn't sound very professional for her position in the ICU- between the up talk, overuse of the word "like" and the slurred sexy girl voice on this season, it would be confusing to listen to her get a point across to a patient- "I like, looked at your chart and your vitals are like, um- failing??? So yeah." 

I wonder if the hospital makes her work in the ICU because most patients there are unconscious or heavily sedated, so they don't notice how she talks.

[Back Atcha]

1 hour ago, Hip-to-be-Square said:

I loved listening to "Loveline" with Adam Carola and Dr. Drew!

Loveline was on the air from 1984 to 2016.  I had to Google it.   WOW!

[Sweet-tea]

Who is Flapjack? Ben or Jason? I never thought Jason was very attractive. 

[LuvMyShows]

2 hours ago, Sweet-tea said:

Who is Flapjack? Ben or Jason? I never thought Jason was very attractive. 

Flapjack is Ben, cause his last name is Flajnik.

[TheFinalRose]

Bob Guiney literally charmed the pants off those ladies. I think he held the record for the highest "score" score for a while and may still hold it.  If there was a Wikipedia for that sort of thing I could reference and know for sure. Anyway, I thought it was refreshing that back in the ye old early days of this franchise they rewarded someone the lead for his personality rather than his abs.

As for Flapjacks, we have to blame Ashley for dragging him along to F2 and letting him propose before dumping him, thus triggering outrage and the major sympathy energy that landed him the lead. On Ashley's season he was an inoffensive heartbroken victim, but as the lead, Flapjacks was rude and not easy on the eyes with his unkempt messy hair. His obsession with Courtney who was portrayed as a villain (I thought she was hilarious) didn't leave the viewers with cuddly warm heart emoji feelings either. I think Flapjacks has managed to retain his worst-hair-ever status to this day (although Clay-en is giving him a run for his money this season with those tight little 1950s grandma curls).  IMO Flapjacks was pretty bad.

Clay-en's weenie crying act, and the ease with which he was played by Shana-na and the producers, has him right up there with Pilot Pete for being one of the lamest leads ever.  And that's just based on his crying on Michelle's season, his freak-out on the date with Serene, and the previews. We haven't even endured the full assault of the crying that is yet to come in the next episodes and the finale. At least Jason Mesnick cried only once and did it because he realized he had made a mistake. 

Edited March 4, 2022 by TheFinalRose

[Hip-to-be-Square]

I liked Bob Guiney! He had a great self-deprecating sense of humor and a hot dad bod.  So many guys on the Bachelorette have unmemorable, boring personalities with ripped abs. I like the underdog types on this show (and in my dating preferences) like Bob Guiney and Rodney from Michelle's season- men with unconventional good looks who didn't feel like a typical hunk growing up and worked on their personalities and sense of humor to win a girl over.  Ben Flapjack is a fine boned, meek, wishy-washy guy with greasy hair and a little mouth.  I want a guy who can polish off a platter of hot wings with me and make me laugh on a date 😊! 

Edited March 4, 2022 by Hip-to-be-Square

[LuvMyShows]

 

37 minutes ago, TheFinalRose said:

I think Flapjacks has managed to retain his worst-hair-ever status to this day (although Clay-en is giving him a run for his money this season with those tight little 1950s grandma curls).  

Flapjacks has worst-hair-ever on the show, but worst-hair-ever in the celebrity world hands down is Dax Shepherd.  Every time I see him, I wonder how Kristin Bell can put up with it! 

[nlkm9]

On 3/4/2022 at 12:15 PM, Hip-to-be-Square said:

I liked Bob Guiney! He had a great self-deprecating sense of humor and a hot dad bod.  So many guys on the Bachelorette have unmemorable, boring personalities with ripped abs. I like the underdog types on this show (and in my dating preferences) like Bob Guiney and Rodney from Michelle's season- men with unconventional good looks who didn't feel like a typical hunk growing up and worked on their personalities and sense of humor to win a girl over.  Ben Flapjack is a fine boned, meek, wishy-washy guy with greasy hair and a little mouth.  I want a guy who can polish off a platter of hot wings with me and make me laugh on a date 😊! 

Bob gineau was hysterical but i hated what a player he became on the bachelor - also how he dunped the last girl and how hirt she was :(. I remember when he and his buddy jamie were on oprah- i loved jamie and always wished he was the bachelor !!!!

[Hip-to-be-Square]

20 hours ago, nlkm9 said:

Bob gineau was hysterical but i hated what a player he became on the bachelor - also how he dunped the last girl and how hirt she was :(. I remember when he and his buddy jamie were on oprah- i loved jamie and always wished he was the bachelor !!!!

 Bob Guiney made me laugh a lot when he was on The Bachelor/Bachelorette! I'll never forget his confidence when he was in the pool with all of these super fit guys during Trista's season and really owned his dad bod and made fun of himself- he also made everybody laugh on a long bus ride to one of the group dates.  I think the series got to his head and he became a bit of a player for a while.  It was so sad to see how hurt the girl was who Bob Guiney let down- I would've been hurt too! It looks like Bob Guiney and his wife have two adorable kids 🙂.

[alexa]

I just wanted to let anyone that isn't aware of this show--as I wasn't until it came on the schedule last night-- if you are missing the days of Bachelor being fun and interesting-- The Courtship is a new show on NBC on Sunday nights.   It takes place in a castle, they wear the clothing of the times, and follow certain traditions of that era.   I really enjoyed it.  I miss the Bachelor being what it used to be, as it has been truly awful for years now.  This is a very nice, refreshing change and fills the Bachelor gap a bit!

[Sweet-tea]

On 3/4/2022 at 9:21 AM, LuvMyShows said:

Flapjack is Ben, cause his last name is Flajnik.

Oh! Ok, I get it. I just looked him up. I thought you meant Ben Higgins. I didn’t think he was bad looking at all so I couldn’t figure it out. 

I remember reading Bob G. had a score of getting it on with 3.5 women, whatever that means. 

Alexa thanks for the tip. I want to check out The Courtship. 

Edited March 8, 2022 by Sweet-tea

[Scout Finch]

On 2/28/2022 at 7:35 PM, GracieK said:

Rachel should teach a Bachelor master class. 

With the study guide that the calculating guy on Katie's season put together preshow of general tips and tricks.

[Scout Finch]

On 3/1/2022 at 2:49 PM, Kiss my mutt said:

I always thought Bob Guinea was up there in ugliest bachelors with his pig face. 

Post-show he inexplicably snags one of the prettiest actresses on All My Children. She did a stellar job on the show of not letting on that in all actuality she is blind. ;-)