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Favorite Quotes: "I Don't Know What to Say So I'm Just Whispering"

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Okay I guess it's because I'm Canadian.  Apparently it expanded to us in 2010 which is why it took until now for some of us to use it and took me like a year of me pushing it on my parents for them to accept the plan.  Which is why you guys are addressing me as a Netflix luddite 

14 hours ago, scrb said:

Even if it's not exact about the mechanics of how Netflix works, the idea is fine, that Jonah isn't completely grown up or independent.

I guess I just don't see it being related to independence coming from a family where a lot of money is shared and 1 account is so cheap anyways and is meant to be shared.  Maybe I am not independent because I haven't thrown my parents off my account and given the password to some sexy guys I've met or something ;)

Edited by Ms Blue Jay

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Marjorie: I'm sorry to be so hysterical, but we have a situation. Catherine's on bed rest. She's been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.
Selina: Well why should her cervix be any different than the rest of her?
Marjorie: Before you ask, we have taken a break from sex, specifically penetrative sex.
Jaffar: She has a penis?
Selina: I don't know.

Jaffar: "A Woman First, First Woman." You'd get murdered in my country for saying something like that.

Amy: You are confirmed for tomorrow night for the Tonight Show to kick off the book tour.
Richard: Which again is tomorrow night, not tonight, despite the title. And you're doing the Today Show one week from yesterday.

Marjorie: It's Catherine's uterine tea.
Catherine: It's a broth of red raspberry leaf, black haw, and false unicorn root.
Selina: I hope that's going in your mouth. What ever happened to half a bottle of red wine and three Virginia Slims?

Selina: I'm not on bed rest. My cervix is as tight as a snare drum.

Amy: I'm not mentioned in the book until page 134. I once dry shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting.
Mike: I'm not in there until 213 and I wrote the book.
Gary: Oooh, page 93, suckas! "As Gary poured my tea, I realized the hostages blah blah blah."
Amy: What about you, Richard? Did you make the book?
Richard: Just the dedication.

Jonah: This office sucks my nard!
Kent: Punishment from Congressman Furlong and the Speaker and the President - an astonishing bipartisan agreement.

Kent: Some interesting reading arrived.
Jonah: There's no such thing.

Jonah: Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not in [Selina's book]. I ruined her administration like four times. You'd think that would count for something.

Shawnie: The shutdown really hurt you in Massachusetts' anus.
Kent: AKA New Hampshire.

Amy: It's kind of like the wave in The Perfect Storm except in this case the wave is made out of shit and our boat is also made out of shit.

Mike: "Ignoring the advice of experienced staffers, Meyer instead sought the counsel of a high school drop out, her personal trainer and lover Ray Wayland."
Selina: He had a GED!

Selina: This isn't an article! This is a gang bang on a pinball machine! Who despises me like this?
Amy: Well, there's President Montez, Tom James, Danny Chung, Maddox.
Mike: The White House maids, the stewards.
Richard: White working class voters.
Gary: Nobody! Everybody loves you!

Selina; What have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?!
Mike: I'm sorry, ma'am. I should have gotten a diary with a little lock on it but I didn't want to lock myself out.
Selina: How long have you known about this?
Amy: Since Alabama, but to be fair, we thought we were on top of it.
Selina: Oh, really? Well now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!
Mike: We don't know my diary is the source.
Richard: There are scans of it on the WaPo website. It's crystal clear.

Furlong: Who the fuck invited Dikembe Mutombtard? Little word of advice, congressman - don't wear the shorts. Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't rape you in those things. Oh, lookie here, we got old Jesus with the cameltoe and his child molester goggles and the handband, of course, because you don't want the sweat getting in your eyes when you're choking him out afterward.

Furlong: Will, take the ball. And tell him why.
Will: Balls are the only thing keeping me from choking on cocks. Without balls, I'd be swallowing dicks whole, just like Joey Chestnut.

Jonah: You're fired.
Kent: YES!

Selina: You sound like the world's gayest AM radio show.

Leon: We have been sued by better terrible Presidents than you.
Mike: Name one.

Amy: Dipshit Mike and his shit dip diary. "Amy committed perjury today" written in crayon and mustard stains.

Dan: I thought about teaching high school but girls these days just can't keep a secret.

Selina: The history books are being rewritten and this time it's not Texas saying, "Satan made fossils."

Amy: Montez is not going to be happy about this.
Selina: It's going to put a real turd in her chalupa.
Mike: Ooh, let's get Mexican for lunch.

Kent: I've been fired three times in my life - from the U.S. Postal Service office of investigations, by the Seattle Seahawks, and by Jonah Ryan. I cried each time. This time it was tears of joy.

Dan: This could be an opportunity. I might get my teeth rewhitened.

Ben: The three Meyer-sketeers.

Jonah: Am I Jewish?
Doctor: Your circumcision was a success, Mr. Ryan. If you notice any swelling, let me know. And no erections for six weeks.
Jonah: I don't know how I'm not going to get hard when I'm talking about my hog with some hot shiska nurse.
Doctor: I'm your doctor and it's shiksa.
Jonah: I'm pretty sure it's shiska.

Shawnie: At least your dick won't smell like donkey pussy anymore.
Jonah: I told you that was expired lube!

Uncle Jeff: Wishes belong in the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children.

Uncle Jeff: [I'm thanking you] for shitting the urinal so badly you made the Hindenberg look like a normal on-time blimp landing.

Uncle Jeff: Shut the fuck up, you epileptic Picasso painting!

Uncle Jeff: I am pulling this creature from the jizz lagoon right off the New Hampshire congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin Ezra. Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body. The people of New Hampshire are going to be so grateful to me, I'm going to be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no filter cigarettes.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Selina: From the heady days of our third place finish in Iowa, we fought together for the dream of becoming the first woman president. But tonight the voters of Illinois, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, Florida, Texas, and the territory of Guam have said otherwise.
Mike: I really thought we were going to win Guam.

Jonah: What are you even doing here?
Richard: Well, your mom said that you could use Splett pep so I brought you this.
[Jonah opens an empty box]
Richard: The box is empty to show that all you really need to be happy is right here.
[Richard touches his heart]
Jonah: Well that's stupid.

Mike: The [Washington Post] editors think [Leon]'s lost all sense of objectivity - and he's eating Luna Bars for women.

Selina: Marjorie, what do you think?
Marjorie: Looks like a vagina, ma'am.
Selina: That's from an expert.
Gary: I'm not seeing that.
Selina: Well you don't have any frame of reference.
Gary; What if you trim the topiary around the edge? That could help.
Selina: Nobody's going to trim the topiary. I'm not a porn star.
Gary: You could be! But you chose politics.
Selina: What is this? The clitoris? You know what would be funny? We should put the men's bathroom there. They'll never find it.
Marjorie: Actually, ma'am, the female pleasure center is quite extensive.
Selina: Uh, no, it's not.

Mike: What if we put up a very sensitive exhibit that talks about slavery and honors the men and women who suffered there?
Selina: That's an excellent idea, Mike,  but I'm not going to have my vagibrary underground railroaded by this.

Selina: What room is this, Catherine? When did we build an Indian casino gift shop?
Catherine: It's the nursery.
Selina: Seriously? Well, where are the toys? Or is the baby going to play chess against death?

Selina; You want to talk about second class citizens? Blacks got the vote in 1870. When did women get the vote? 1920!
Gary: Sistas!
Richard: The Voting Rights Act was in 1965.

Catherine: You are going to be the grandmother of a child that is half black.
Richard: And one sixteenth French Huguenot.
Selina: I cannot stand that terminology.
Marjorie: Ma'am, the nomenclature's moved away from African-American. It is black.
Selina: No, I am talking about grandmother.

Selina: I am not going to buried in a twat of my own making!

Selina: You and I both know that Hughes would never do this if I was a male VP. We'd be out shot gunning beers and sucking each other off like Carter and Mondale.

Ben: Ma'am, you need to understand - the president doesn't actually want you to do anything other than continue to be a woman which you're doing a pretty okay job at. I'll let you walk the rest of the way. I'm trying to cut down on exercise.

Ben: I have two things for you to do. They're important. Can you handle it?
Jonah: Of course. Yes, absolutely.
Ben: One - get the fuck away from me. Two - stay the fuck away from me. Can you do that?
Jonah: Yes, sir. I won't let you down.
Ben: God, I love interns.

Tanz: There's a simple and easy solution to the homeless problem - pass mandatory sentencing laws for vagrancy. Then these unfortunates will finally have a home - my prisons.
Furlong: Look, I hate the homeless as much as any librarian. That's why God created subzero winters and the third rail but chances of me pushing for any tax incentives for these private hoosegaws is about as likely as what, Will?
Will: As me walking out of a bar with less than ten types of semen in my hair.

Furlong: Holy shit, I can't believe you're actually showing that camel snatch you call a face in DC. You're about as welcome here as Jerry Sandusky at an open call for Oliver!
Tanz: You want a dried apricot? They're Turkish. Anything I can do to annoy the Armenians.
Will: Hey, Jonah, can we get lunch sometime? I want to talk to you about being the legal guardian to my baby if anything happens to me or Mary.

Jonah: Sir, I will do anything you say!
Tanz: I know, that's what I love about you. It's like that fagola cowboy movie. I can't quit you.
Jonah: Yes, thank you, sir! Butch and Sundance.
Tanz: Now is not the time to go putzing after representatives, congressmen. From now on I'm only buying senators and presidents. That's the way to affect meaningful change.

Mrs. Neufeld: How does $25,000 sound?
Selina: Why don't you put your money where your mouth was - IS - and add another zero?

Danny: Ready for change, ready for Chung. Ready for chunge.

Yale president: If it were up to me, we'd be putting up drywall on your vagina building today.

Yale president: If you're trying to get out of town, don't take High Street. The KKK - that's the Kool Kweers of Kolor - is having a pee-in in front of Skull and Bones.

Selina: Yale pulled out without even coming on my tits. Things sure have changed since I went to college.

[Selina in labor with Catherine]
Selina: I wish I'd let you do anal. It would have hurt less than this.

Nurse Sandra: Will you be nursing?
Selina: No, I'm not a goat.
Andrew: Those are for daddy.

Selina: What are we calling him? Aluminum? Tenafly? Ribbon?

Amy: Last night I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop and I think I actually came.
Selina: Is everything always ice cream with you?

Selina: Team Meyer! Second time's the charm!
Kent: It's actually the fourth.

Selina: Jaffar, you are so sophisticated and your grasp of geopolitics is just - and those are assets anywhere in the world except the United States. And most of Europe. Except for Germany. You know, because they overcorrect.

Leon: Ma'am, here's your speech.
Selina: Thank you, Leon. Look at this - there are no typos, there are no food stains, you spelled Meyer right.
Leon: Well, I am a grown man.

Amy: Will you stop being exactly like yourself? You're fucking ruining this.
Dan: Ruining what?
Amy: Remember a few months ago after you got fired and we had drinks with Ben?
Dan: Yeah, we had a lot of drinks.
Amy: Yeah, well, I'm pregnant and it's yours.
Dan: FUCK.

Jonah: Washington insiders - they didn't like me very much, so let's send them a message by shoving the guy they hate the most right back in their faces. I am announcing my exploratory committee for the presidency of the United States of America which basically means I'm definitely running. God bless New Hampshire. God bless the United States of America - and Puerto Rico if they can vote for president. And God bless Jonah Ryan.

Mike: Three branches of government - judiciary, legislative, and...there's a third. If you want to know something about government, watch this film Air Force One. It's a good movie. Shows you what a president can do.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Kent: Sheila couldn't agree more.
Ben: Hey, Kent's dating again!
Kent: No, Sheila is my predictive computer model for election results. Strategic hypermetric electoral interactive logistical algorithm.

Amy: Hey, sweatpants! You can't just walk out. This isn't a Terrence Malick movie. Sit.

Dan: I thought you sent that thing to the 7/11 dumpster in the sky already.

Dan: We're tracking a school shooting in Spokane, Washington.
Selina: Muslim or white guy?
Dan: Don't know yet.
Selina: Which one is better for me?
Kent: White guy.
Selina: Fingers crossed!

Marjorie: We have another candidate announcing for president.
Selina: I'm going to go out on a limb and say white guy.
[Marjorie turns on the tv]
Calhoun: I was reminded of another innovator by the name of Jesus Christ.

Catherine: Mom, you can't keep using our baby as a campaign prop.
Selina: It's just a few more months in Iowa and then we're going to hide him when we get to New Hampshire. No, no crying.
Catherine: Mom, you cannot tell the baby N-O.
Marjorie: Yes, N-O is a negative rejoinder. We don't want to constrain little Richard-
Selina: What are you supposed to say then when the baby is being an asshole?

Marjorie: Catherine's been suffering from postpartum depression.
Selina: How can you tell?
Gary: The haircut.

Selina: Amy, why would you want to be president?
Amy: So I could nuke America.

Richard: You know what I always thought the funniest number was? Eleven.

Teddy: Why is [having Beth at the rally] really helpful?
Bill: She humanizes [Jonah] - if that were possible.
Richard: Like sunglasses on a dog.

Jonah: Stay away from us! You're lucky my wife is here or I'd give you a berserker beatdown and I would wipe my ass with that dumb looking cardigan.
Lloyd: It's a sweater vest.
Teddy: What the hell was that?
Bill: I thought you'd gotten a handle on the screaming at random seniors thing.
Jonah: My ex-stepdad? That guy's such a douchenard.
Bill: That's your stepfather?
Jonah: Yeah, he thinks he can just come down here and bask in my meteoric success just because he's my wife's dad.
Teddy: Wait, so he's your wife's dad? You said he was your stepdad.
Jonah: Yeah, that's my stepsister. Did you guys not know that?
Teddy and Bill:....
Bill: Oh no.
Teddy: No, no.
Jonah: Yeah, her dad married my mom for a year when I was eleven. The point is he's a dick. He gave me a D in math because I have dyslexia but for numbers. And he forced us to go on all these family vacations to stupid Hawaii.
Teddy: Did you do no oppo research on our own candidate? How did this not come up?
Bill: For the same reason it didn't come up that he moisturizes with minotaur semen. It's not one of the standard questions that you ask.
Jonah: I don't know what the big deal is. It's not like Beth and I did anything, unless you count her walking in on me when I was whacking off all the time.
Bill: I wish I was still in prison.
Teddy: Are you kidding me, you 80s story sky raper?

Jonah: Teddy, we talked about this. The only reason you were hired is because Mr. Tanz told me you were the best and because...
Teddy: Because of my court ordered chemical castration.

Selina: Lurlene - even the name sounds like it's on meth. Who in their right mind would live in this ashtray's anus?
Richard: Well, me. I was lucky enough to be born here.
Selina: What? You were from Lurlene.
Richard: I just didn't want to brag.

Catherine: Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns.
Richard: But they're both equally good people. Isn't there some way they can both be president?
Marjorie: Fortunately, no.

Ben: Catherine has postpartum depression?
Kent: I didn't notice anything.
Dan: I thought she was in a good mood.

Mike: Why not announce [your candidacy] at the Statue of Liberty?
Gary: You love standing next to ugly women.
Mike: Can I get a quote for my article?
Selina: Goddammit, what is Mike doing in here? And why does he have a good idea now that he's not working for us?

Selina: I'll go announce [my candidacy] at a white supremacist compound if I have to. There have got to be tons of them around here.
Kent: Ma'am, you're thinking of Idaho. Iowa's mostly meth labs.
Ben: That's mainly just a difference in branding.

Selina: Fire [Quinn].
Ben: He's deader than democracy.

Jonah: My thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of Spokane. What happened today was a tragedy. But here is the hard truth - sometimes hotshot lacrosse players who think they own the cafeteria can bring this on themselves.

Reporter 1: Congressman, will your wife be joining you today?
Jonah: Uh, no, not today. Just me.
Reporter 2: Will she be joining you at the senior center this afternoon?
Jonah: No, so stop asking questions about my wife. It's not like I murdered her.
Reporter 1: Is your wife okay?
Jonah: Look, I challenge you. Go ahead. Try to find one thing that's wrong with my marriage. Send out your top guys. Have them follow me around.
Reporter 2: Did you marry your stepsister?
Jonah: Goddammit, who told you? So I married my half sister.
Teddy: No, stepsister!
Jonah: Whichever one when I bone her, she doesn't give birth to a pile of legs. If you want to attack somebody, attack my cousin Ezra. He's the one who fingered her in high school.

Selina: I really thought my 50s would be about me fucking and sucking my way through the Shorenstein Center.
Ben: You and me both, ma'am.

Selina: What is in this [water bottle]?
Ben: Bourbon and Smartwater.

Selina: Jesus, Mary, and Jamba Juice.

Amy: I do want the baby to know that you're the father but I don't want your last name because I've always loved the name Meegan and I don't want people to think that I was going for Meegan Egan because that sounds like somebody who gets ass fucked on the Major Deegan in a limerick.
Dan: Whoa. I like the name Meegan too. The Deegan is always congested.
Amy: Yeah, the cross Bronx is much better for butt stuff.

Selina: Why do I have to tell people why I want to be president? I mean, I don't want to hear about their jobs.

Selina: I can't use any of that. It sounds like I'm shouting from a balcony in Munich.
Gary: Like Evita!

Gary: Very Kennedy-esque.
Selina: John, not Ted. Or the rapey one. Or the one that killed that little girl.

Dan: Hey, just a quick heads up. You might want to keep this door closed. I'm going to fuck Mike's boss and my Spidey sense tells me she's going to yelp like a seagull in a bread factory.

Dan: I just don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker struggling to pay off her college loans.
Amy: I appreciate the soul searching.
Dan: But if you want to go dutch on the abortion, just hit me up on Venmo.

Selina: Let's go launch this rocket.
Dan: Let's just hope it's the Columbia, not the Challenger.
Kent: Both exploded, killing all aboard.
Dan: Okay, whatever. The one without the school teacher.

Selina: So the national press is now arriving to this giant metaphor for a clusterfuck of a campaign.
Kent: Actually it's a synecdoche.
Ben: Technically it's more of a goat rape than a clusterfuck.

Kent: Praise the rational equivalent of Jesus.

Jane: So what would you say to someone who might ask, "How can they marry? They're stepsiblings"?
Jonah: I'm not her brother and I never was.
Beth: Except for that one year.
Jonah: That's exactly what Woody Allen did. I'm clearly no more of a pervert than he is and if you're going to criticize us then you better be prepared to criticize Woody Allen and the little Chinese girl.
Beth and Nancy: Exactly!

Lloyd: Jonah, I have always tried to be there for you. That's why I bought your first car and paid for all six years of college, champ.
Jonah: Well how come you failed me in algebra, Mr. Hennick?
Jane: You failed eighth grade math?

Jonah: Do not touch [my mom]! Those hands are for making me Hot Pockets and nothing else.

Kent: Since this segment first aired, Jonah's numbers are up over three percent. He's tapped into something.
Amy: Yeah, his stepsister.
Ben: It's playing big with non college educated white males, college educated white males, basically white males.
Selina: This entire country is getting more disgusting by the second.
Kent: That's a demo we're targeting mostly on Facebook.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Square dance caller: Now bow to your partner.
Gary: Bow to your partner.
Square dance caller: Swing your partner.
Gary: Swing your partner.
Selina: I really don't like being told what to do.

Furlong: Selina, it looks like we're swinging together! I would have brought my wife but she's a squirter and that dress doesn't look like it's been scotchgarded.

Selina: Isn't it astounding that the next President of the United States is being chosen by a closeted ex-record producer?
Ben: The electoral college hasn't exactly been hitting it out of the park.

Selina: Is it just me or does Felix's friend seem a little young?
Ben: He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him.

Dan: Is Kim here?
Mike: No. She got fired for sleeping with you. Buzzfeed runs a notoriously tight ship. I should probably thank you. You are looking at the new deputy senior editor. They're putting me up and all I've got to do is sit on some panel for new media innovators.
Dan: What do you know about new media, Mike29748@aol.com?
Mike: Oh, no, I got hacked. It's Mike53729.
Dan: Still at AOL though.
Mike: 'Til I die.

Gary: Ma'am, guess what? Amy's bulimic.
Selina: It's about time. She might want to consider a little more purging and a little less binging. Gawd, that girl can't do anything right.

Selina: Tom! Look what the Gulfstream dragged in. I didn't see a TED talk for fake folksiness on the schedule.
Tom: 4:30.

Selina: What's up with Frigid von Pole Up Her Ass?
Tom: That is my deputy chief of staff, Michelle York. She's basically my Amy.
Selina: Well, my Amy has bulimia.
Tom: No one likes a braggart, Selina.

Selina: I want all eyes on Tom now. He cannot spend another second with Felix without me jammed in between them like the crosspiece on an Eiffel Tower threeway.
Kent: MMF. The devil's threesome.
Dan: Isn't that Senator Talbot over there?
Selina: I actually consider her to be a bit of a protégé.
Ben: Does she know that?
Amy: I thought I was your protégé.
Selina: No, you're Ben's protégé.
Ben: Not a very good one.

Ben: Senator Talbot might not be a terrible choice for a running mate.
Selina: An all female ticket? I don't think so. The American people work hard for a living. They don't need that kind of bull shit.

Selina: How are things on the Hill?
Kemi: Oh, crazy as ever.
Selina: Did Senator Isles try and grab your ass?
Kemi: Oh, yeah.
Selina: He used to say that mine was like a candy apple.
Kemi: Actually, Senator Isles is under investigation right now.
Selina: For what?
Kemi: For the inappropriate-
Selina: Oh, right, cause that's bad now.

Reporter: What I think we'd really like to get at, Congressman, is what sets you apart from the other candidates?
Jonah: Well, for one thing, I have a lot of new ideas.
Reporter: And what are some of those new ideas?
Jonah: Well, science tells us that it will be difficult, but within five years, I want America to put a man on Ellen Degeneres. Up top!
[Teddy refuses to high five him]
Jonah: It's pretty good, right?
Reporter 2: It's great.
Jonah: She's a lesbian.
Reporter 2: No, we get it.

Teddy: Apparently there's been an anonymous posting about a dead-eyed lantern-jawed one and done congresstard who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner.
Jonah: Okay, well, that could be anybody.
Richard: Sounds like you.
Teddy: Jonah, who have you traumatized? And start with the doctor who delivered you.
Jonah: I haven't traumatized anyone!
Richard: There was your aide, Emma Gray.
Jonah: Schnozz? She was stuck up. I was just calling her on it.
Richard: Congresswomen Troy and Visconi.
Jonah: Monster tits and monster tits junior? All I did there was express some genuine concern that they had bras big enough to handle all that meat.
Richard: At the congressional prayer breakfast.
Jonah: Yeah, that's exactly what Jesus would have done. He's a man too, Teddy.
Teddy: Listen, Jonah, if anybody asks, tell them you've been chemically castrated. It's very easy to lie about. Believe me, nobody checks.

Dan: Tom and Felix spent the entire morning braiding each other's bald spots.

Ben: I hope [Dan] is Felix's type.
Kent: In current gay parlance, Dan presents somewhere between a wolf and an otter. Some would call a frost otter.

Guy 1: Nice try, grandma, but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the twentieth century.
Dan: Uh, I'm thirty nine and a half.
Guy 2: You may want to start coloring that grey. Just a thought.

Selina: Dan fucked you? Were you wearing a full length mirror?

Selina: I did not spend my entire life defending a woman's right to choose for you to choose this.

Felix: There's one girl that worked in my office who had four kids.
Selina: What was she, a possum?

Felix: The thing I realized about hip hop before anyone else is the artists would sign away publishing rights for next to nothing.

Jonah: I split the bill on all my dates. Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter?

Kent: [Selina]'s having a textbook aneurysm.

Selina: That was the most humiliating experience I've had in my entire life, and I was Vice-President of the United States!

Tom: I had a heart attack eight months ago, quadruple bypass. It's the old James ticker, which I was all for when it killed my dad, but it's not so funny when the shoe's on the other ventricle.

Gary: How about a hot soak with a Laura Mercier bath bomb?
Selina: Is it going to explode between my legs and make me come until I cry?
Gary: ...I think it's peppermint.

Dan: Am I getting old? I feel like I'm five minutes away from fiber supplements and voting in midterms. Maybe I've got to stop fooling around. Maybe that's it. Maybe I've got to cut out all the meaningless sex with girls half my age. I mean, you pull it out to come on her tits because you think it's going to make you feel alive but it doesn't matter where you come, Ames. It just doesn't.

Amy: Take a few deep breaths first.
Selina: Don't tell me how to breathe!

Felix: I'm addicted to disruption, especially since I stopped using cocaine.

Felix: An all female ticket?
Selina: The first one since Carter-Mondale.

Gary: Who wants some prosecco?
Selina: No one. Literally no one ever wants prosecco.

Selina: It's America's first two cooter ticket.
Ben: That'll look great on a button.

Kent: I saw [Mike] earlier at the sundae bar struggling with the sprinkle dispenser.

Selina: How dare that smooth shitsack cheat on his wife and risk his political future with someone that's not me?

Gary: What about this [red dress]? I think it complements Felix's spray tan really well.
Selina: Just because Felix Wade is gayer than an Eames chair in assless leather chaps doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva.

Teddy: Even more women are stepping forward to say they never dated you. The NotMe hashag is blowing up big time. It's a goddamn movement.

Reporter 1: Thousands of women have joined NotMe to say that they've never dated you and never will.
Jonah: Thousands of unattractive women.
Reporter 2: Mrs. Ryan, any comment?
Beth: I stand behind these brave unattractive women who have come forward to say NotMe. Once upon a time back in high school, I too did not date Jonah Ryan. Although I did go out with his super handsome cousin Ezra.
Jonah: It's important to note that they only got to third base.
Beth: No comment.

Teddy: It looks we're not the only campaign who farted and had to throw their pants away.

Selina: Back in our old Senate days, [Tom] had a real thing for blonde Hill rats in Nine West pumps desperate to fuck their way to the middle.

Selina: You know, what I'd love is a spicy mezcal margarita with light agave and heavy salt. What are you looking at [Tom] for?
Michelle: Ma'am, I'm the senator's deputy chief of staff.
Selina: Oh, congratulations. Then you probably won't fuck it up.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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On 4/8/2019 at 5:38 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Selina: It's America's first two cooter ticket.
Ben: That'll look great on a button.

God, I love Ben!

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Selina: It sounds like Dr. Seuss fucked Maya Angelou.

Kent: We're scrapping tomorrow's schedule. You're making an appearance at the Waterloo county fair.
Ben: Eat a few corndogs.
Selina: The last thing I need is my picture being taken while eating dick shaped food. I'd rather eat a food shaped dick.

Selina: Where is Keith Quinn?
Amy: I have the New York Times interviewing him about running the campaign.
Selina: Maybe somebody should be interviewing the Times about why they write so much about modern dance.
Gary: 36 hours in snoozeville.
Catherine: That was my major.

Selina: How are we going to RU-486 Kemi's campaign? No offense, Amy.

Dan: Kemi just picked up two senators and a union.
Selina: A good union or like teachers?
Dan: Local 74, Iowa asbestos workers.
Selina: Okay, well...
Richard: Actually, my uncle was a shop steward on the seventh floor. Asbestos killed him.
Selina: Oh, no.
Marjorie: I'm sorry, Richard.
Richard: Asbestos was the name of their pitbull. He was a rescue that killed his first owner.
Selina: That's why you have to go to breeders.

Ben: Debate prep. That's how we beat Kemi.
Selina: Fine. Stupid handshakes. Opening statement. Thank you to Date Rape University.

[Andrew appears]
Amy: Fantastic. [Selina's] Achilles cock.

Selina: Can you please find me a real green juice somewhere in Iowa? I've been drinking Odwalla like some country lesbian who just got to the big city.

Leon: I don't know if I should be sad or turned on.

Beth: Improv is Jonah's thing. You should have heard his wedding vows. He did a really funny Chinese voice.
Jonah: Yeah, I expressed how horny I was.

Teddy: We focus tested the ad and most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina.
Jonah: Well, I don't see vagina color.

Selina: Andrew, you said there was nothing illegal about the fund.
Andrew: I thought we both understood I was lying.

Selina: Can you fuck off?
Keith: Can do, skipper!

Selina: For once, will you tell me the truth? How much money did you steal?
Andrew: Technically it was you that stole the money from the fund because I signed your name on some documents.
Selina: OMIGAWD!
Andrew: Don't worry, Lee. I'll keep you out of it.
Selina: Yeah, don't worry, Lee. You won't get pregnant. I'll pull out and come on your back.
Andrew: Again, I thought we both understood I was lying.

Reporter: Congressman Ryan, how do you feel about being relegated to the undercard debate?
Teddy: No comment.
Jonah: No, comment. I deserve to be in the real debate as much as Selina Meyer and that hot new black lady. It is literally the definition of retarded-
Teddy: The congressman has a very busy schedule.
Jonah: What the fuck, Teddy?
Teddy: You can't say "retarded" in front of a reporter!
Jonah: Why? Is he retarded?
Teddy: No, but you might be.
Jonah: No, my pediatrician ran the test. Besides, if I was, you'd know. I'd have retard face or whatever.

Selina: Where's Kemi?
Kent: Senator Talbot is currently using her campaign app to host a digital town hall meeting.
Selina: Jesus hashtag Christ. Do we have an app?
Kent: Of course we do, ma'am. The current version only asks for donations and for some reason deletes your address book.
Richard: Technically it's more of a virus. I had it but I had to delete it because it was making my phone hot.

Ben: Wow, Mike. You said an actual thing. How the fuck did that happen?
Kent: It's like Flowers for Algernon.
Mike: I understand that reference now. It's a book.

Stephanie: Let's talk about the specific incident that brought you to us.
Jonah: Oh, yeah, the retarded thing.
Stephanie: Yes, exactly. Now when you said that word, congressman, is there another word you could have used that had the same meaning?
Man: And there's no wrong answers.
Jonah: ...Mentally retarded?
Man: No, that's wrong.
Stephanie: I see where your head is at and you are technically correct.
Jonah: Thank you!
Man: And technically also though, you see how you're still using the same form of the hurtful word? You're feeling what I'm saying?
Jonah: Yeah, not really. Can I get another bagel?
Stephanie: It might be a great time to introduce a new strategy that we have developed here called 360 degree perspective taking.
Jonah: Oh, gawd, is that like math?
Man: Actually, it's just a way of using empathy to help avoid hurting other people's feelings.
Jonah: That's so gay.
Man: Umm, what?
Stephanie: Excuse me?
Jonah: Oh, guys, come on. I didn't mean like gay-gay, like this guy and his husband are gay. I meant gay like mentally retarded.

Amy: Would you mind [giving me a ride to the abortion clinic]? Unless you plan on fucking [my sister] again while she's passed out. She doesn't call that rape, by the way. That's just regular sex to her.
Sophie: Don't wear white pants!

Selina: Look at you! You've got chocolate all over your face like a child but you're an adult!

Carnie: What are you, some kind of Green Beret?
Marjorie: I was an agricultural advisor, nothing more.

Dan: Just keep your head down, Ames. I'll part the redneck sea.
Abortion protester: Think of the innocent children!
Amy: You want me to think about the children, you hog fingering fucks? Well, I did think about this. I considered it and I cried and yeah, suck my cock. I even prayed a little and here I am, so you can back the fuck off, you hypocritical cunts, before I show up to the piss puddle that is your house and protest your husband whacking it to your daughter's seventh grade yearbook. That sign's misspelled.

Ben: Kemi killed her boyfriend.
Selina: What? How is this not all over the news?
Ben: Her records were sealed. She was sixteen and she accidentally hit him with her Volkswagen Cabriolet.
Selina: She is an actual murderer who drives an import? Omigawd, I think I'm going to cry! We've got to spread this news like Kemi's boyfriend's guts all over the pavement.
Ben: Actually he was decapitated.
Kent: We can't use this. Social media is exploding with praise for your non-negative pledge.
Selina: Why did you morons let me do that? Is there any way we can accuse Kemi of murdering her boyfriend but in a positive way?

Doctor: Okay, Miss Brookheimer, I do need to warn you about some of the surgical risks involved.
Amy: Infection, bleeding, uterine perforation, yup, 10-4. Your body is a wonderland. Can I just sign the consent form?
Doctor: Per Iowa law, I do have to offer you the option of viewing the ultrasound.
Amy: Less talk, more abortion!
Doctor: Patient has declined. Okay, we're going to give you some medicine now to help you relax.
Dan: Oh yeah? Do you have any of those darts they use on rampaging circus animals?
Amy: No need. Everyone's always telling me to relax and I'm not good at relaxing. I don't want to relax because I HATE relaxing so...

Tom: Selina, you've got no reason to trust me based on-
Selina: Yeah, trying to screw me out of the Presidency then trying to actually screw me then screwing me then writing a book about screwing me.
Tom: I also discussed it on television.

Catherine: This is a pretty good turnout for a dog funeral. Even the governor's here. Who are all these people?
Richard: Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one source of tourism - after tornado chasing and coming to town to buy Sudafed.
Marjorie: Is that [cat] a mayor as well?
Richard: No, that's just a cat. Could you imagine? This isn't Nebraska.

Teddy: We're being sued by the sensitivity trainers.
Jonah: Joke's on them because you can't sue the president.

Jonah: What the fuck? I gotta debate Dumbledore?

Teddy: You have to be more PC than a clit ring made out of wheatgrass.

Selina: Congressman Ryan! And this must be Mrs. Ryan. Or do you go by your maiden name, Mrs. Ryan?
Beth: Either.
Jonah: No, ma'am, she's my half-sister.
Beth: Step.

Richard: It seems I have been appointed the new mayor of Lurlene.
Selina: Don't you have to be a dog?
Richard: Well, legally, yes, but it's unenforceable.

Kent: It seems that Mike just published a piece on Buzzfeed entitled "An Open Letter to Andrew Meyer." "Dear Mr. Andrew Meyer, I have invested my entire life savings with you and have yet to see a single dollar in return."
Selina: Mike's entire life savings? So then we're talking about what? Like six dollars?
Kent: The phrase "Fonzie scheme" is referenced. The article as a whole is not cool.
Selina: Get that Benedict Ronald McDonald on the phone right now.

Kent: So where are you headed after this?
Ben: I've got a neo-Nazi on the dangle in Sweden.
Kent: Only one talking point but they do stick to it.

Dan: How you doing?
Amy: Feels like someone shoved a red hot pair of barbeque tongs up my joy trail.
Dan: Before I forget - frozen maxi pads soaked in comfrey extract. My own personal recipe.
Amy: That is so nice and also cold and disgusting.
Dan: I'm going to need that back when you're done because Leon will pay big bucks for it.

Teddy: How would you like the chance to help lead a divisive, physically repugnant underdog to historic victory?
Amy: You want me to join Jonah's campaign?
Teddy: I'm not going to lie. It's going to be really hard and no fun.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Selina: Which one of you donkey dongs was in charge of the balloons?

Kent: "Man up" continues to resonate in all four quadrants.
Selina: It's universal. Men hate women. Women hate themselves.
Leon: The Geraldine Ferraro principle.

Selina: Guys, black people love me. Did you know Dr. Jordan Thomas, the civil rights leader, he once said to me that I was the blackest white woman he ever met.
Ben: Ma'am, you do know that this time you're running against an actual black person?
Selina: She's not even all black. Plus I'm going to be Lion Kinging little Richard all around until I tear my rotator cuff.

Bill: I'm going to go hang myself from a sturdy pipe and I'm not even going to bother jacking off.

Jonah: How did Butt Buddy Calhoun do 1% better than me?
Lloyd: Well, you had 3% and he had 4% so actually he did 33% than you.
Jonah: Don't math me, Lloyd. Math is a plot invented by the Chinese to make smart Americans feel dumb.
Lloyd: Jonah, modern math was invented by Islamic scholars in the seventh century.

Jonah: I can't believe you backed another candidate, Uncle Judas. When I'm President-
Uncle Jeff: Shut the fuck up! When you're President, I'll jam my fist up my dickhole and pull out a forty piece set of Danish cutlery. Selina Meyer is a legitimate candidate, not a pool skimmer last used to despunk a Provincetown hot tub party.

Selina: Why are you Gary?
Marjorie: He had an early morning meeting.
Selina: You can't just replace Gary with another lesbian and think I'm not going to notice. Mmm, wow, this tea is the perfect temperature.
Marjorie: Thank you, ma'am. I learned from an Afghani warlord.
Selina: We should put him on the payroll.
Marjorie: You killed him in a drone strike. I've laid out your outfit for the day.
Selina: I never thought before to put the Bottega pumps with the Michael Kors top.
Marjorie: You've been taking fashion advice from a man who dresses like an overgrown ventriloquist dummy.
Selina: That's a solid point.

Dan: The new anti-Kemi mail pieces just came in.
Selina: What the tragic mulatto fuck? Kemi looks like an albino and I'm so black people are going to start calling me articulate.

Selina: If we're not getting the black vote then we have to take a hard turn to the white. Kent, how are we doing with non-college educated whites?
Kent: Underwater, ma'am.
Selina: Then how about college educated whites?
Kent: In South Carolina, that is not a significant slice of the pie.
Selina: Then we're going to have to find a way with non-college educated whites. Like what appeals to them? What do they want?
Kent: Well, my polling shows their main wants are jobs, education, and an adequate safety net-
Selina: Okay, I can speak to that.
Kent: I'm not finished, ma'am. To be denied to African-Americans.

Selina: What you need to do is get me in front of huge white audiences, something that makes a NASCAR race look like a Jay-Z concert.
Marjorie: Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts are almost all white people.

Selina: Who cares about an island that doesn't have a Four Seasons on it?

Ben: Don't finish that sentence, ma'am.
Kent: We can't have this discussion. We are still a nation of laws.
Ben: Ish.
Kent: Esque.

Selina: Can't we not not do the thing that we're not talking about?

Tom: Gary, you've grown your hair.
Marjorie: That's an amusing joke, Senator James.

Reporter: I'm here reporting from Lurlene, Iowa, where earlier today an airplane crashed into the local 7/11. Miraculously, there were no fatalities, due in no small part to the heroics of Lurlene's own mayor, Richard Splett. Mayor Splett, what happened?
Richard: A crop duster clipped the power line and bumped into a local 7/11. We're working with FEMA to bring in emergency cigarettes.
Marjorie: I've never been more proud I taught that man to ejaculate into a cup.

Gary: Here's your fruit!
Selina: Honeydew? If I want to pretend to be in the CNN green room, I'll draw a face on Ben's ass and call it Christiane Amanpour.

Tanz: I need potheads in my prisons. Otherwise there's just murderers and rapists. It makes for a very unpleasant atmosphere. Plus I need more casino licenses for Macau.

Jonah: I just found out from my stupid step father-
Someone: Father in law!
Jonah: From my stupid step father in law that math was created by Muslims. Yeah, and we teach this Islamic math to children. Math teachers are terrorists.
Tanz: I love this!
Teddy: That's it. I may be a registered sex offender, but I cannot be a part of this.
Jonah: Algebra? More like Al Jazeera. Under a Ryan presidency, I will ban this sharia math from being taught to American children. No more math! No more math!

Selina: If we lose, it certainly won't be for lack of touching people in Denny's. How's the turnout?
Ben: Like my prostate, mostly black and much larger than we'd like.
Kent: We're seeing unprecedented levels of African-American voter engagement.
Selina: Well, that's terrible. Also inspiring.

Ben: I warned you! You cannot trust the Chinese! I married enough of them to know that.
Selina: Wait, isn't your wife Korean?
Ben: Maybe.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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