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Favorite Quotes: "I Don't Know What to Say So I'm Just Whispering"

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Selina to Mike after a particularly tortured metaphor: “I don’t know what those words mean. Mike, are you in the middle of some sort of an aneurysm?”

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I love Jonah putdowns, but none more so than this: "Jonah, you’re not even a man. You’re like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant, mangled skeleton, but they didn’t have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect."

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Our household adopted "Go Period F*** Period Yourself Exclamation Point!". But, we shorthand it to just "Exclamation Point" so it's suitable for all audiences.

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Nothing will ever beat "Jolly green jizz-face" for blunt crudity. Selina really does have a way with words.

And Dan, talking about Selina walking through the glass door, that they could find her if they "just follow[ed] the trail of her blood and Gary's tears".

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As I was re-watching the first 2 seasons in preparation for the new season, Mr. ishcabibble happened to wander in and I finally got him hooked on the show!  While we both agree that there should be some kind of award for most creative use of swearing because of all of the fantastic lines, for some reason the one we could not stop laughing at was “What in the crippling fuck is going on with you?"

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I finally got Mr. Roo watching too - partially because of the tactical use of f-bombs. Like 'you have put this office in a salad spinner of fuck!'.

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@ishcabibble love your name! (I think you are old school right? from MBTV days?)

Also I cosign the award for most creative use of swearing.

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Dan: Hey, hepatitis J.

Jonah: You don't think you should go fist a chimp?

Selina: You think I got here just because I got $50 million in the bank of this amazing ass?

Caffrey: I'm never ambiguous, ma'am. Not even sexually.

Dan: And just like that, Jonah is gone forever.
Selina: Well, all my orgasms have come at once.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Selina: "We've got to find Erickson."

Richard: "I'll know him when I see him. I never forget a jpg."

 

Selina: "Hey, Richard? No offense, but you're a catastrophe."

 

Kent: "Dont interrupt any major sporting event. Unless it's golf."

 

Amy: "It's like losing a limb. I can feel a phantom phone ringing right now."

Edited by Danny Franks
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Caffrey: Just open the door while we’re moving, climb under the car like Indiana Jones, pop up on the hood and write a note on the windshield.

Jonah: What's google's number?

Jonah: Well that wasn't me - and I deleted it!

Caffrey: [That title]'s so full of shit, there's a colon right in the middle of it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Mike: This is Sasquatch. The edible garbage is out back in the alley.

Selina: I do not mean to sound paranoid but [POTUS] is trying to kill me!

Selina: This is POTUS trying to screw me, okay? This is the unflushable turd that is left in the can for the next person, e.g. ME.
Amy: Has POTUS gone nuts? We can't have a crazy president.
Gary: In Italy they do.

Selina: I can't identify myself as a woman! People can't know that! Men hate that. And women who hate women hate that, which I believe is most women.

Selina: You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?

Gary: Okay here we go: Abbey Road, abolition, aboriginal mask...

Amy: (reading from Selina's book) Freedom is what this nation is built on blah blah blah blah blah blah and freedom means the freedom to choose how to use that freedom to protect the freedom of others.

Amy: He said 7am?
Gary: It's Good Morning America, Amy. The clue's in the title.

Selina: I can't listen to that Joan Crawford bitch about Bette Davis any longer.

Selina: Maybe I should just say, "Get the government out of my fucking snatch."

Selina: If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM.

Kent: Nice dress.
Sue: It's a skirt and top.
Kent: Even better.

Jonah: Boom boom shake shake the womb.

Dan: Hey Jonad! You know, you shouldn't tweet your location to someone who wants to kill you.
Jonah: So you do follow me!
Dan: I swear to God, I am going to rip your guts out through your tiny shriveled little Chihuahua cock.

Jonah: Joke's on you, Dan, because I fucking love burritos.

Dan: If you say anything on air about the veep, I will break your legs so severely you will end up normal height!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Mike: Oh my gosh, is this going to be like Moonlighting where we fall in love and start fucking?

Selina: This is POTUS interruptus!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Amy: Is that a pre-stabbing in my pre-back?

Dan:  Are you getting pre-sick?

Selina:  I can't identify myself as a woman.

Selina:  You fill in the blahs, I'm going back to bed.

Selina:  Is there a pro I don't give a shit lobby?

Ben:  I can't get POTUS to wave his trans-vaginal wand and make it go away.

Jonad:  Selina's calling in the Contraceptistas.

Selina:  Chung the Merciless did this.

Dan:  Hey you, Ugly Betty, give me that burrito.

I'm watching for quotes from The Thick Of It.  I think they did the "diamond dildo", but that was in a deleted scene from the In The Loop movie.

Edited by atomationage
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Alicia's friend: That giant clown car has a giant clown in it.

Jonah: I want to tell real stories about real people. I'm like John Steinbeck in that regard. Or Denzel Washington.

Caffrey: My second marriage took place in the rain and you could see my nipples in all the photos.

Sue: It's Amy. She sounds uncomfortable, like she's with a member of the public.
Selina: She's got one of the Normals.

Amy: I am going to pass you on to Alicia, ma'am.
Selina: Alicia?
Gary: Alicia Keys?!

Kent: Ma'am, child care? Children are of no value. Forget child care.
Selina: Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.
Mike: Don't worry. He's like that with all the humans.

Alicia: What does a red sticker mean? That I'm a target for snipers?
Sue: It means that you're wearing a red sticker.

Ben: The Saturday Night Live shitstorm just hit nine on the spincter scale.
Selina: Those shit stains! So what? I had a horse as a kid. Who didn't?
Kent: Like I always say, nothing less funny than a comedian.
Dan: Ma'am, the thing to do in this situation is to own it, all right? You go on the show and you own it.
Selina: Are you kidding me, Dan? If somebody takes a shit in your car, what are you going to do? You gonna drop your trou and take a crap through the sun roof?

Sue: Sue casa is su casa.

Kent: If you don't like the reality, go live in Oregon and make quilts with my mother.

Salina: You start picking this thing apart, and what am I left as? Some sort of optimistic war monger with a soft spot for educated gays.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Mike:  These people are filler, you are killer.

Sen Doyle:  We can turn water into blowjobs.

Selina:   I'll tell you what happens.  They get bullied when they're little at school, and then they perpetuate the cycle by bullying me.

Dee:  What's wrong?  You look like you killed a hooker.

 

Mike:  I'm appealing to your better nature.

Jonad:  I don't have one of those.

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Amy: Okay, great pee!

Dan: I want to know who's responsible for that sketch, you cock--- tail napkin. Yeah, you heard me.

Senator Doyle: I have a meeting scheduled with the Vice-President right now and it is right now right now.

Senator Doyle: Do I look like I rode in on the last fuck truck?
Selina: What's a fuck truck?

Senator Doyle: Oh, so we can say anything now? All right, we can say we can heal the sick. We can turn water into blow jobs.

Senator Doyle: Put the AARP on those steps. Seniors vote. They've got nothing else to do.
Selina: You want me to be some kind of party puppet? You can stick your hand up my ass and work my mouth?
Senator Doyle: Yes, please!

Selina: And what were you bobbleheads doing while I was just getting ear fucked by Father Time?

D: No, the D don't stand for anything. That's like me asking you what does Mike stand for?
Mike: It stands for Mike kind of guy.

Selina: What in the wide world of fuck do you think you're wearing?

Leon: Amy, what is this bushel of fuck talking about?
Amy: Leon, would you mind smashing his head off with a fire extinguisher?
Leon: I wouldn't mind.

Ben: I see you've found it - the room of regret.
Mike: I'm fucked, Ben. I'm fucked.
Ben: Well, there's a remedy. It's an ancient technique and it's been plied by lovable losers since way back. It's called begging.
Mike: Jonah? That fucking lowlife?
Ben: That fucking lowlife? You gotta go lower. You gotta go lower than the lowest lowlife. You gotta dig and dig and dig until you wish you were dead. And that's base camp.

Catherine: How long has she been like this?
Gary: Forever.
Dan: Fifteen minutes.

Sue: This is your beauty pageant of the nearly dead.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Selina:    Jonah with money, it's like if Hitler could fly.

 

I know you're walking around here like you're C3PO with a big brass shiny erection. 

 

Do they have a bathroom here or do they put their turds up in the cloud?

 

Amy:  Go fuck yourself.  I'm sorry, that's the opposite of what I meant to say. 

 

Dan:  You, give me a cheeseburger made of aspirin.

 

Jonad:  I think I just had a moneygasm.

 

You take that chicken soup and you shove it up your soul.

Edited by atomationage
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@ishcabibble love your name! (I think you are old school right? from MBTV days?)

Also I cosign the award for most creative use of swearing.

Thanks, and yes I am!

I would pay good money to be able to sit in the writers' room for just one day. It just amazes me how they consistently come up with such great lines!

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Do deleted scenes count? I've been giggling through the youtubes at all the gems that got cut. My favorite is this clip from the second season, Ed is fucking golden here, with his comparing Dan to the guy in American Psycho. "You're turd flu."

And then I love Dan and Jonah talking, "That guy wouldn't last a second in DC." "Who?" "Ed, the guy..." "Who?" "Ed, the guy we've been talking about." 

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I don't like Ed at all, because I think his energy is just at odds with everyone else on the show, and he doesn't mesh well with them. The actor is okay in other things. But this is one line of his that had me rolling:

 

"I can be very immature sometimes. I mean, I love South Park. I still have a favourite dinosaur."

 

It kills me, because I do remember having a favourite dinosaur as a kid, and it's such a weird thing that kids do.

 

In this episode, I loved Selina greeting Mike:

 

"Oh, what's in your lunch box, Mike? A protein shake? You degenerate."

 

And Amy:

 

"I've eaten hummus with a pen cap, don't tell me how to eat."

Edited by Danny Franks
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Selina: Gary, what are you doing? You look like a newborn giraffe.
Gary: I'm just fanning myself with my arm.

Amy: You need to make that woman go away. (Secret Service guy starts reaching inside his jacket) And I don't mean kill her.
Mike: Kill her.

Selina: If we're gonna rate it on a scale of like one to fucked, what would you say?
Kent: Well, she's a woman in her thirties. You alienate them and you'll be dead somewhere before New Hampshire.
Selina: Omigawd, I know. I mean, I lose women and what am I left with? I'm left with gay Latinos and Jews at college, I guess.

Ben: Dan, we need to break this Cassie bitch, the British dick who invited the internet, and anybody in between.

Dan: My brain feels like it's being fucking circumcised.

Ryantology guy: We just don't know the facts.
Jonah: Okay, but we just put it out there and then something will arrive that backs it up, right? That's like Journalism 101.

Jonah: Everybody who said that I would never make it, where the fuck are you now?
Ryantology guy in pajamas: Some of them are still in senior positions.
Jonah: You fucked me, Dan! You fucked me with your face.

Clovis signs:
Delete the Past
Velocity Is Its Own Reward

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Dan: We are in the ass of the hurricane now.
Amy: You may never meet her personally, she may never catch your eye or ever thank you, but Selina Myer will never forget you.
Gary: She's gonna ask you for a chamomile. She doesn't want chamomile. She wants peppermint. She gets a little confused but do not point it out.
Dan: You guys are the chosen ones. And not in a Jewish way either.
Mike: Some people say three microwaves is overkill. My response is always, "Tapas."
Sue: And never ever ever fuck up. End of induction.

Thornhill: I'm just an Honest Joe and I like to speak my mind.
Selina: How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chockful of assholes. I don't trust the Chinese. I'm not going to be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really going to make any fuck of a difference in your life." So how's that for my platform?
Ben: You got my vote.

Amy: Concentrate on Maddox, not Thornhill. Maddox can walk without looking at his feet.

Ben: Ericsson is the perfect campaign manager. He's Amy without a conscience and he's Dan without the 5% that needs to be loved.

Amy: Why is Dan being so nice?
Ben: He's campaigning for campaign manager.
Amy: You're not pushing for him, are you?
Ben: Christ, no. I'd rather cede control of the CIA to Pakistan than see Dan lead a campaign.
Amy: Should I be campaigning?
Ben: Do you really have to ask me that?
Amy: I can't do the "be nice to people" because that's what Dan's doing. Also cause I can't do it.

Mike: You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette. It's kind of cool but also very disturbing.

Selina: I love the country. Peeing in a bush, being talked to on a porch. It's kind of like being a dog.

Selina: People like Maddox always have guns on the walls next to the animal heads. It's like a flow chart for people who don't know what firearms do.

Maddox: [Chung] talks the talk but all he did in Iraq was wait for the bombing to stop then post Facebook photos of himself sitting on a gold-plated bidet.

Selina: Do you think that I'm ruthless?
Gary: No.
Selina: Enough?
Gary: Oh, enough.

Dan: I need you to access the strategy file in dropbox. Password: mother underscore fucker.

Selina: You know, Mike, it would please me greatly if you would do me the honor of removing your jizz box from our executive branch of government.

Selina: I'm going to shoot Mike and Gary in the head, I'll poison Amy, I'll behead Dan.

Amy: Fuck you, Dan, you minor league gigolo!

Selina: [Ericcson] said you'd be better off as a croupier fucking older women.
Dan: That doesn't bother me. I like older women.

Gary: Mike, I got an idea. We should throw your expired cum at Jonah's door.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Rewatching the last season's finale and there are some gems there: 
 

Selena when Gary says he's going into the cheese business: Cheese?

Gary: And it's overseas.

Selena: Wait a minute, you're choosing dead milk over me? 

 

Dana, when Gary is about to tell her Selena is running for president: Hey, what's wrong? You look like you did when I asked you to talk dirty. You were just like 'I'm in it, I'm in you right now.' 

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"Maybe you should work on North Korea first. Get them to relax and then work your way up to Amy."

 

"Okay, Ma'am, you need to be conservative and liberal."

"What?"

"So look at guns, but don't touch guns."

 

"She is not gonna like that."

"She's an adult."

"Are you talking about Catherine or Selina?"

 

And Selina's tactful assessment of the women at the gun show: "It's just one freaky dyke after another."

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Dan: Sue, I need you to get Selina a meeting with Prince Charles, that 65 year old fucking intern.
Sue: Dan, if you want to get into the palace on short notice, you're going to have to storm it yourself.

Ben: [POTUS] had tickets for a West End musical. Something with a duck or a ghost. I don't remember.

Amy: Death, glory, folly, tragedy, it's got all the four main mood groups.

Mike: Have you set up the secret transatlantic organization meeting with the German chancellor?
Amy: At the cathedral. [Selina] can lie to the Brits and go straight to confession.
Mike: The Brits are gonna be unhappy. ER.
Ben: I need a stiff fucking drink. In related news, Ray is talking.
Mike: Oh gawd. To smart people?
Ben: Yeah, he's currently with a woman from the Bank of England. It's like watching a goat try to use an ATM.
Ray: You know, because money is just a concept. You know, we believe in it because we're too scared not to. There's no intrinsic value to it. It's not like muscles in your arms.

Mike: I love that voice. It makes me feel inadequte and horny. The dream.

Mike: Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "Dan is a terrible fucking campaign manager"?
Amy: I would like to shoot him but there are no guns in this country.

Mike: I can't believe Ray tried to edit my speech. I feel like Shakespeare when that monkey tried to make fun of him. I think that might have been a cartoon.

Jonah: You wouldn't get it. Your jacket is fluorescent.

Reporter: We'll ambush the vice-president. We'll get photos of her surrounded by fat kids dressed as devils.

Ray: I believe in karma. Does that make me weird?
Dan and Mike: YES!

Ray: Guys, I wrote a treatise a few years ago. I write a lot of treati.
Mike: It's treatises, Ray. The normal plural.

Kent: People think Selina's judgment is bad if she listens to people like you whose beliefs are very stupid.

Dan: I can't feel my hands. Do you feel my hands?
Amy: Yeah, I do, I can feel them but that's not how it works.

Ray: The brain is a muscle.
Kent: No, it isn't.

Jonah: Knock, knock. Hey, buddy. How you doing?
Dan: Am I hallucinating? Can I please get some better drugs?
Jonah: How you feeling? Are you doing okay?
Dan: What the fuck are you doing here, Jonah? Are you molesting coma patients?
Jonah: Is that a thing? I might now.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Amy: Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?
Furlong: Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscley chest, vote for me.
Amy: Ben, you're Owen Pierce.
Ben: Well I'm a baby-faced know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.
Amy: Kent, you are former Sec Def Maddox. Sec Def Maddox, where do you stand on crime?
Kent: Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.
Mike: Oh, well I'm the hip hop governor of Minnesota and I'm coming off as too soft so I'll try to outhard Sec Def Maddox.

Katherine: What is it with you two? It's like flirting but sexless.

Amy: If Thornhill strayed once, there may be others. Maybe a crack whore if we're lucky.
Katherine: Call me naive, but isn't that unethical?
Amy: You're naive. Welcome to politics.

Gary: What do you think of the new cut? Do you like it?
Mike: Of course I don't fucking like it. It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy.
Gary: The elfin look is very in now. I was reading about it.
Mike: People don't elect elves, okay? They put them to work in grottos or they get them drunk at frat parties where they can toss them.
Gary: That's dwarves.

Jackson: We use the draw down lock down.
Furlong: Fuck what which way?

Furlong: What are you laughing at us, Pee Wee Sperman?

Sue: I hope your meeting went well because the rest of your day is a logistical hell.
Selina: Is there any way you can make that sound more appealing?
Sue: Well I could add the word "cookie" on the end for no reason.

Kent: Mr. Egan, I see you shaved. Wise. You don't have the facial gravitas for a beard.
Dan: It's so smooth. It's amazing. It's like touching a child's face. Here, try it.
Kent: I don't enjoy touching children's faces. Neither should you.

Furlong: Here's my favorite part where they all pretend like they like each other. Fuck Broadway. This is real acting.

Thornhill: I may not know much about running a country, I'll give you that, but neither did George Washington.
Kent: Very good. Now compare yourself to Lincoln and Buddha.

Guy: The public will vote for anyone they recognize. We could lose to the whale from Free Willy.

Guy: He looks like he just came out of the bathroom and decided that he hadn't finished yet.

Amy: If there is any dirty trick I cannot stand, it is honesty.

Ben: I hate confessions unless they've been beaten out of someone.

Furlong: I've got three Fs for you: you're fucked, you fucking fucker!

Maddox: Are they loopholes or are they legitimate holes?

Furlong: Look at Pierce. He looks like he just got out of sex prison.

Amy: I do not know what I saw in you.
Dan: I do. He's a less talented ugly version of me. He's basically a human comfort blanket.

Guy: Cheer up. Coming second is good.
Furlong: Especially true with opening debates. Also fucking.

Jonah: Well, the hole is the hole. And the hole is the hole that people fall into and if they fall below the line they will fall into the hole and we want to keep them from falling below the line and then into the hole.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Because this is basically my life...

 

Mike: Siri, how many horses died during WWI?

Selina: I'm not talking about dead horses!

Mike: Siri, cancel request.

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Selina:  So I have to go to a pig roast where the attendees took turns fucking the pig?

Amy:  I don't think anything indicates that they took turns.

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Thornhill: Victory in Iowa is just the start of the job. I've worked my whole life and now it's time to make this country work. Let's take our shirts off and work up a sweat!
Amy: Listen to this idiot. They're not even soundbites. They're just sounds.
Dan: Yeah, but it works though, that's the thing. I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.

Ben: Guys, you gotta get out there on the stump.
Dan: That's a good point. Nothing says regular American like standing on a street corner shouting at strangers.

Kent: Ladies and gentlemen, you attention, please.
Ben: What are you, David Coppercock?

Ben: Wow, it's a box inside of a box!

Kent: Good luck with the street shouting. I gotta get back to DC.

Selina: I want to hear what you see! And I want to see what you feel!

Dan: You're doing a great job. You do me better than I do me.
Amy: You do yourself a lot.

Bill: What are you having?
Jonah: Scrambled eggs, turkey bacon sausage, fried egg.
Bill: You're having a fried egg with your scrambled egg?
Jonah: Oh yeah, it's delicious. You gotta try it. It's like a chicken came in your mouth.

Bill: You've got no skills. Your uncle controls a lot of votes, sure. But you? If you tried to clap, you'd miss your hands.

Mike: I gotta go make noises out of my face hole or whatever it is I do.

Jonah: I don't have any friends in DC, mom. They all call me a dick behind my back. But like right behind my back so I can hear them.

Jonah: Mom, do you think you could talk to Uncle Jeff for me? I want to get a job on my own merits and I think that he's the guy to get it for me.

Gary: GUMMI? What's that?
Sue: G-U-M-M-I. Give Us More Money, Idiot.
Ben: Who changed the code? What happened to HADDA? How About Digging Deeper, Assholes?
Dan: I always called them dicks. It doesn't stand for anything.

Selina: What is it? Are we at war?
Kent: Ma'am, we're America. We're always at war.

Mike: My heart is racing like 200 miles an hour.
Ben: Me too, but that's normal for me cause I'm not a healthy man.

Ben: This must be what it feels like to be happy.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Selina: It's like I'm a Beatle.
Ben: You have the haircut for it.

Random woman: Congratulations, ma'am. First female president! I'm so happy to be alive to see this.
Selina: I'm so happy it's me!

Sue: The oath will take place tomorrow at 12 noon. You will then acquire the nuclear codes.
Ben: Goodbye, China.

Selina: There's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.

Selina: You're not turning into a yes man, are you?
Kent: Yes, you're right. I'm not.

Ben: I was bulimic the whole first year and I didn't even lose any weight from it.

Selina: You told me you would midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that? So guess what? I am ten centimeters dilated! I'm fully effaced! I mean, this presidency is crowning. I need you. Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back prohibition.

Sue: We have to schedule calls for the UK Prime Minister, for China, and for the Vatican.
Selina: It's like the Google Maps of ass kissing.

Mike: This is an historic moment. And I'm not talking about this first female President thing. I'm talking about the first redhead press secretary!

Kent: I bring bad news to the closet.

Dan: Thank you, sir. I'm in your debt forever.
Kent: Or for six hours, depending on how you do. I'll see you then. Alternatively, goodbye forever.

Ben: I told you when I was telling you I wasn't telling you what I told you.

Mike: It's like she's walking on a carpet of mice.
Dan: Jesus Christ, Gary. Are those real shoes or are those fucking dog toys?
Ben: It sounds like the theme from Psycho.

Sue: Ma'am, Secretary Maddox would like a meeting, stat.
Selina: No stat, he's useless. He's a one inch cock.

Jonah: What kind of idiot do you think I am?
Dan: Is there a choice?

Selina: Where is this photo op?
Amy: it's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.
Gary: I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.
Selina: Yeah, everybody wants to fuck them too. Gawd, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the President. I can fuck anybody I want now, right?
Amy: All the other ones have.

Amy: She is so good at making people think she's good with people.

Dan: This looks ordinary. This looks relatable.
Kent: It looks horrible. She looks like she's in Flashdance.
Ben: They're going to have a field day with that haircut. "Thai lady boy made head of sweatshop."

Selina: I came in third, Amy. Even the Nazis came in second.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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My favorites:

 

Kent: Nice dress.
Sue: It's a skirt and top.
Kent: Even better.

 

(And what makes the lines even more hysterical is that they're not funny in themselves. It's the characters and what we know about them and the actors' delivery. God, I'm going to miss this show)

 

And also: Katherine: "Well, I'm not going to a fucking gun show."

Selina: "Well, you are, too, going to a fucking gun show if I have to put a fucking gun to your head."

Edited by Catherinewriter
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Ben: We just gotta do a cock thumb.
Selina: What did you just say? A cock thumb?
Ben: Yeah.
Selina: What is that? Tell me. Do not show me.
Dan: Well, we propose a radical cut to the military - cutting off the cock. The joint chiefs in turn propose their own more reasonable cut - cutting off the thumb.
Selina: Commonly known as negotiating.

Selina: You can absolutely do two contradictory things at once. For example, I love my mother but I had to put her in a home. And it's actually better for her if I don't visit.

Selina: I'm used to dealing with angry, aggressive, dysfunctional men, i.e. men.
Ben: Well, that's what we do best. That and farting at first communions.
Selina: That's funny. I don't really think of you as a man.

Kent: The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.
Ben: Kent majored in fortune cookies.

Dexter: That's horse hockey. Forgive me, ma'am.
Selina: No, no forgiveness needed. At least you didn't say, "That's fucking bullshit."

Selina: So what does that mean in terms of numbers, ballpark-wise? I mean, if we were to scrap this program you suggest.
Dexter: Fifty billion dollars.
Ben: I'm sorry, could you say that again?
Military guy: Fifty billion.
Selina: Five zero. Followed by a bunch of zeroes.
Kent: Nine.

Amy: The N620s are for a threat that doesn't exist. We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy.

Kent: That was masterly, ma'am. Or mistressly, whichever isn't offensive.
Selina: That wasn't a cock thumb. That was a cock cock.

Selina: This writing is fantastic. It's fifty shades of great!

Selina: How do I look?
Gary: Beautiful, beautiful. Actually, let me take these glasses out. It looks like you have a penis.
Selina: What?
Gary: Which you could totally pull off if you had to.

Sue: I don't like to swear, guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F.
Mike: The shit is about to hit the fuck?
Sue: No, F is for fan, Mike, not fuck. Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.

Roger: Live long and fuck off.

Amy: Hurry up! How come you type with only two fingers? You're not a sloth.

Gary: I have her glasses.
Dan: Why have you blinded the President, Gary?

Dan: My entire career just flashed before my eyes. It was incredibly impressive.

Dan: She's bebop speaking.
Kent: I detest jazz, but this is impressive.

Selina: Whole cities of children were going to be saved from poverty. Instead now that money is going to fund obsolete metal giant dildos.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Selina: Fundamentally, the Families First bill will help our most vulnerable kids, like the little boy in Seattle who asked Santa to teach him how to read for Christmas.
Ben: How did he write the note?

Dan: The HIV girl, the one that the President mentioned in the CBS interview. Well, some people on Reddit put the details together and now the whole town knows who she is.
Ben: Fuck! You know, I preferred the internet when it was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid. Did we definitely out this girl?
Dan: Yeah. Only her doctor and her principal knew. Now parents are keeping their kids home from school because they don't want them to "catch AIDS."
Ben: Well, there's a town with no gay pride parade or a goddamn library.

Sue: The apple growers association would like to name a new brand of apple after you.
Selina: Is it a good apple?
Sue: It's a baking apple.
Selina: Fuck 'em.

Selina: What the hell? Where did HIV come from?
Mike: I think a guy fucked a monkey.

Selina: The press doesn't need THE culprit. The press needs A culprit.

Gary: The President is just trying to help children. I don't see why everyone keeps focusing on the negative.
Mike: Maybe because we ruined a girl's life?
Gary: Negative, negative, negative!

Sue: We need to shut this story down.
Mike: I'm aware of that, Sue.
Sue: Well, why haven't you shut it down? If you see a fire, do you look at the fire and put it out or do you just say, "I'm aware of it"?
Mike: Sue cannot tell me how to do my job.
Gary: She just did.

Mike: Doyle is using "Every Breath You Take" for his walk one music.
Amy: He loves that song. He got married to it - both times.
Mike: Every line ends with "I'll be watching you." Sting might as well be singing, "I'll access your medical data," in a fake Jamaican accent.

Jonah: You can't change the music! It's all cued up with the light show!
Mike: Fuck the light show, Jonah! He's the vice-president, not the new Lexus!

Selina: Screwed over by The Police, like Rodney fucking King.

Amy: It's vital that the small time nobodies realize we respect them, okay?

Sue: The American Family Group is pulling their support.
Selina: What? Where did you get that from?
Sue: An anonymous source. Who's my sister in law who works for the American Family Group.

Lee: What if I cried? Like the women do in movies.
Dan: Wouldn't work. You're talking to a guy who once broke off an engagement at an Applebee's and then ordered dessert.

Dan: [Jonah]'s got that inherently guilty look, you know, kinda surprised masterbator face.

Teddy: Damn, man. This guy's balls are so big they're practically tits. Johnny Titballs!

Richard: Mr. Ryan, so they were out of tuna melts so I improvised and got you this lobster curry roll.
Dan: Zip it, Jeeves. I'm in the middle of firing your boss.
Richard: Wow, over the campaign data thing?
Dan: The what?
Richard: The "I Care" mailer? Right, no, I'm picking up from your facial cues that you don't know.
Dan: Here's four verbal cues for you: TELL. ME. NOW. ASSHOLE.

Dan: Amy, the gates of hell have opened and you are my plus one.

Selina: What is it?
Amy: I can't tell you.
Selina: Well, great meeting then, thanks.
Dan: If we tell you, you'll know and if you know, you'll be implicated.
Selina: Well then why don't you tell me and I'll decide whether or not I know it?

Selina: Don't give me that bunker shit. Hitler went into a bunker and when he came out, he wasn't chancellor anymore, was he? Plus he was dead.

Ben: Man, that's some kind of prostate control. Treasure it, my friend.

Dan: No, no, this is not real.
Ben: You're right, Dan. It's a dream and me and Ken are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.
Dan: So am I fired? Ben, don't say that I'm fired.
Ben: You're not fired.
Dan: Oh, thank fuck for that.
Ben: Because you've just resigned.
Kent: It's a perfect fit. Worked on the Families First bill and handsome, therefore guilty looking.
Dan: No, no. No. I know about the targeting of three families and the use of federal data.
Ben: You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant. You don't threaten this administration because we will fucking destroy you. We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs.
Kent: I cannot endorse that message but I do acknowledge it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Kent: People think Selina's judgment is bad if she listens to people like you whose beliefs are very stupid.

 

I'm dying laughing

 

Selina: Screwed over by The Police, like Rodney fucking King.

 

I never caught that, had to see it in print, so thank you.

 

Ben and Kent were so amazing in that last scene

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Richard: In my family, basketball is a religion. Also Catholicism. That's actually the main one.

Sue: Oh, hey, guys. Can you get Freddy's autograph? It's for my friend's son.
Richard: Who should he make it out to?
Sue: Sue Wilson. He's named after me.

Jonah: Sir, Freddy Wallace may use the term LGBT. I remember it this way - L is for ladies who play tennis. G is for guys who do other guys. B is for bisexual. I couldn't think of one to go for that. And T is for-
Teddy: Tucking it in or tacking it on.
Richard: That's transgender actually.

Doyle: Well, as my grandfather never said, let's go be inclusive.

Ericsson: Sounds like he's learning a sex alphabet.

Gary: Everybody knows that Q means questioning!

Kent: Ironically the straight guy is very stiff around the gay guy.

Kent: I'm not a backwards walker, Amy!

Amy: Again the left hand has no idea what the right hand is doing and the freakish middle hand is punching me repeatedly in the tits.

Dan: This place is huge!
Sidney: Wait until you see the dolphinarium. It's right near the Latin Quarter and he's got the red light district.

Sidney: Are you ready to take a dump on Mike McClintock's doorstep?
Dan: Like an initiation kind of thing?
Sidney: No, I mean can you take on clients who are best served by you shitting on the Meyer agenda?
Dan: Oh, well, let me think about that. YEAH.
Sidney: Great. We'll get to that doorstep thing later.
Dan: Yeah, I'll still do that. I'm into it.

Sue: Jonah, either get Leon's mom to the airbase or buy yourself a very convincing wig.

Ericsson: Where's Kent?
Sue: I don't know. Maybe he's bitten off his tracking device.

Sue: Man up, Gary. Or at least lady down a bit.

Sue: Gary and Mike have been left behind in Iran.
Ericsson: Wonderful. It's Blackhawk Down but with Laurel and Hardy.

Kent: Of my various walking paces, I selected moderate to fast.

Ericsson: Jonah, I know something's happening at the VP's office.
Jonah: Oh. Okay, you do.
Ericsson: I need you to tell me what's going on.
Jonah: And do I have to tell you that right now?
Ericsson: Yes, you do.
Jonah: Uh, Teddy's been touching me.
Kent: Uhh, just processing that.
Jonah: Wait, Mr. Davison? Shit, am I on speaker phone?
Ericsson: What happened exactly?
Jonah: Um, well, he, uh, he cupped my testicles. On another occasion he patted or tapped on my testicles. And then on another occasion, he held my testicles for a significant amount of time.
Ericsson: Okay, we got nothing out of that but a funny story.

Selina: Why in the name of pixellated fuck would you do that?

Selina: And what are we going to do about Leon?
Ben: I am going to treat him like my own brother. Who I had murdered back in 86.

Amy: That is some elaborate self-sabotage right there. That is Cirque de Soleil suicide bombing. Go back in time and stop that from happening.

Selina: How do I look?
Ben: Very tired.
Selina: You know, Gary usually sugar coats that.
Ben: Tired?

Mike: Turns out you can't buy a a boarding pass with tiny bottles of Jack Daniels.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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ElectricBoogaloo thank you so much for these quotes!  They are a nice pick me up while in the middle of work.

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I'll steal the ones LADreamr and I put in the "404: Tehran" episode thread.

 

Jonah:

I hate Kent.  I'd like to wipe that..  neutral expression off his face.

Uh Leon's Mom is here... and she looks.... very terrible.

 

Sue:  Man up Gary.  Or at least lady down a bit.

 

Kent:  Bill, out of my various walking paces I selected moderate to fast.

 

Mike:  

A week?  The Chinese can 3D print a hundred houses in that time.

We've got about 10 seconds to drink everything, and then eat the bottles.

Ben:  I'm so tired, I could sleep a horse.

 

Amy:  I feel like I'm on life support and people keep pulling the plug to charge their cell phones.

Edited by Ms Blue Jay
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This was a couple episodes ago, but as someone who writes speeches and other wordy things for a living, I'm still laughing about this line:

 

Dan:  "It would be nice to have some content in this speech.  This is just noise-shaped air." 

 

Also, Amy's "If anyone is looking for me, I'll be outside screaming into the night," was perfection. 

 

Oh, and someone (Mike, maybe?) from last week: "This thing has gotten too big.  It's like my mom's cat."

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Ben: There is no way on God's green cock that you can get out on a matter of principle. It has to be a health issue.
Doyle: I'm perfectly healthy.
Ben: You have prostate problems.
Doyle: I'm not going to say that. That's embarrassing.
Ben: Exactly. That's what makes it more real.

Ben: You know there's some very serious allegations that have been coming from the Vice-President's office about sexual abuse.
Doyle: Excuse me?
Ben: Jonah Ryan.
Doyle: Jonah, oh my God. Those poor interns.
Ben: No, no, no, Jonah's the victim. Your man Teddy.
Doyle: What?
Ben: Yeah, he's been fondling Jonah's balls like he's trying to figure out what the prize inside is.

Teddy: Which one of us hasn't gotten off on some guy's junk? You know, just for a laugh.
Furlong: I haven't.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Amy: Have you been sent from the future to destroy me?  BECAUSE IT'S WORKING! 

 

(I identify with Amy so very very much.)

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So wrong but I laughed hard at:

Doyle: Dead kids. That never sounds good, unless you are a stressed out single mom.

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