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S09.E02: The Schwartz Shuffle


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Schwartz comes clean about pitting Katie against Sandoval, while Ariana confides in Lisa Vanderpump about her deep-seated issues with Lala. Sandoval helps James plan an epic vacation to Palm Springs so he can propose to Raquel, but Randall's beef with Schwartz and Lala's feuds with Ariana and Charli threaten to derail the trip.

I found myself channel surfing about halfway thru. Not a good sign...

  • Has Flat-Iron Tom ever considered becoming a party planner? He seems to have a knack and love for that.
  • How bad is it when you are stymied by Randall asking simple questions about your new business venture? 😲
  • Did I see a cat on the counter?
  • Once again, Lala acts tough but then crumbles like a cheap folding chair.
  • How much did sexy businesswoman Lisa Vanderbucks pay FI Tom to say he wished he were a pony at her farm?
  • Now we know why Charli doesn't eat pasta. 🙄
  • Did Lala seriously think her "book" would break the NYT Top Ten list? 🤣

 

 

Edited by Gharlane
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Meh lame again.

Randall seemed a bit rude and aggressive..prob had a bit too much “pasta” in the bathroom prior to that. Schwartz is an idiot tho.

Katie seems like she’s half asleep most times.

James proposing to Raquel? Who cares lol.

Brock seemed alright when he was working out with the Toms. Still a deadbeat dad tho prob. Seems like he would be fun to hang around tho lol.

Everyone else was lame. I do not care to see more of Charli on my screen.

Lisa does not need to be on this show. She is not needed like at all.

Still watching but only because there’s nothing else lol.

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2 hours ago, Gharlane said:
  • Once again, Lala acts tough but then crumbles like a cheap folding chair.

 

Lala can keep lying and pretending that she's something she clearly is not.  Pretending to be a tough girl, but incapable of handling anything without crying to her MOMMY.  Pretending to be accepting and cultured, but is as ignorant as the rest of them.  Repeatedly saying shit like "Know your place!", which is no better than Stassi saying that someone is "So below me, in terms of class." I'll let you take a guess at what kind of people say things like "Know your place."

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Okay WTF is it with all of these Bravo shows and pickleball? I never even knew it was a racquet sport until last week when I saw it on RHo's of Beverly Hills. Is someone at Bravo investing in it and trying to make it happen or something?

Charli is a total weirdo and I don't care about her food issues.

So Scheana's Dollar General Aquaman is a deadbeat Dad? Too bad, he seemed sort of nice.

I did LOVE that Lala didn't get the NYT bestseller status she so desperately wanted for the book she "wrote".

I actually don't mind Lisa's appearances on the show, I prefer her to all of these chuckleheads.

 

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Yeah, it was fun that Charli stood up to Erika Jane the Lesser, but she then just ends up yet another weird and lame crier in the end.

I still consider to find it incredibly bizarre the lack of rotating cast in this show.  It would be so much easier than the Housewives shows.  Charli is IT, and she's really not even new?  I mean, all those young people working in all Lisa's and now Tom and Tom's restaurants and NOBODY?  I find it weird that someone higher up at BRAVO hasn't put a boot in Andy's ass over this.

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9 hours ago, Cheezwiz said:

Okay WTF is it with all of these Bravo shows and pickleball? I never even knew it was a racquet sport until last week when I saw it on RHo's of Beverly Hills. Is someone at Bravo investing in it and trying to make it happen or something?

Charli is a total weirdo and I don't care about her food issues.

So Scheana's Dollar General Aquaman is a deadbeat Dad? Too bad, he seemed sort of nice.

I did LOVE that Lala didn't get the NYT bestseller status she so desperately wanted for the book she "wrote".

I actually don't mind Lisa's appearances on the show, I prefer her to all of these chuckleheads.

 

 

I think Charli would be better served with a good therapist, rather than busting out these bits and pieces stories of child abuse on a reality show.

 

LOVE that!  Why would she think she would be?

 

2 hours ago, Mr. Miner said:

I think I know why LVP brought this turd back. She really likes to have her pretentious ass kissed by these young people.

Her sad, pathological need to be on tv for sure.

 

54 minutes ago, Lassus said:

Yeah, it was fun that Charli stood up to Erika Jane the Lesser, but she then just ends up yet another weird and lame crier in the end.

I still consider to find it incredibly bizarre the lack of rotating cast in this show.  It would be so much easier than the Housewives shows.  Charli is IT, and she's really not even new?  I mean, all those young people working in all Lisa's and now Tom and Tom's restaurants and NOBODY?  I find it weird that someone higher up at BRAVO hasn't put a boot in Andy's ass over this.

Right?  I am sure there are hundreds of fame-whore aspiring "mactors" who work at SUR or TomTom would love to bring their messy lives to this shit show.  

 

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12 hours ago, Gharlane said:

I found myself channel surfing about halfway thru. Not a good sign...

  • Has Flat-Iron Tom ever considered becoming a party planner? He seems to have a knack and love for that.
  • How bad is it when you are stymied by Randall asking simple questions about your new business venture? 😲
  • Did I see a cat on the counter?
  • Once again, Lala acts tough but then crumbles like a cheap folding chair.
  • How much did sexy businesswoman Lisa Vanderbucks pay FI Tom to say he wished he were a pony at her farm?
  • Now we know why Charli doesn't eat pasta. 🙄
  • Did Lala seriously think her "book" would break the NYT Top Ten list? 🤣

 

 

IMO Lala thought that if Stassi’s book was a bestseller (and I still can’t believe that it was!) then her book would be too.

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Charli can lose me the childhood food punishment excuse. Her comment last season about pasta was nothing more than an attempt to fat shame Dayna. Last night, it was obvious she was looking for sympathy & screen time.  No idea why they kept her on, she's not friends with any of these people. Was it just so Raquel wouldn't be the only person actually working at SUR?

Say what you want about Schwartz, but he's the only one I find engaging.  Although Katie & Lala were pretty entertaining on WWHL. Katie's suggested name for the bar, Once Upon a Tom, is  clever. I find Sandoval to be such an egotistical bullheaded asshole.  He automatically hates anyone else's ideas. It's no wonder Schwartz couldn't answer Randall's questions., he isn't allowed his own thoughts or ideas. 

Also, Randall often seems hopped up on something.  Or is it that his energy level is at odds with his appearance? His voice doesn't match what I expect either.

Edited by snarts
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So this season is going to revolve around two idjits who still haven't the FOGGIEST idea how to plan, design, finance and open a bar/restaurant get something off the ground.  Yeah - I didn't care when TomTom was in the process, and I'm not going to care now, especially when we've had an episode entirely devoted to haggling over the name.  I'm alone here, I guess, but I actually think "Schwartz and Sandy's" is not all that bad, but what the hell do I know.  Heck, why not ask LISA to suggest a name?  Ask John Taffer.  Ask ANYBODY.  Just please, put the issue to bed.  

And seriously, Ariana?  You really believe that someone can only refinance a house to pull THEIR portion of the equity?  I'm sure that was how it was explained - "hey, we have $300,000 in equity, I'm taking out $150,000 in the refi, so your $150K is safe."  Lisa's snark after hearing that BS was perfect.  "No you stay in bed, we're just here to collect on TOM's half of the house."  And equity is variable.  Ask the people who financed their homes for $400,000 in late 2007 only to find out the house was only worth $200,000 18 months later.  I watched all my friends who used their homes as a personal ATM for 10 years balancing interest-only loan after loan until the personal Ponzi collapsed.

If VPR is cancelled (and I agree, it should be - these are NOT interesting people), the Toms are going to fade in the ether of the public awareness and I'm guessing they're featured on a episode of "Bar Rescue" in a few years as they explain how they got in way over their heads.  

2 minutes ago, heatherchandler said:

LOVE that!  Why would she think she would be?

As farmgal4 said upthread, because Stassi made the "best seller list".  I know they like to give the impression that she was on the "Non-Fiction BS List" but she was not; rather; she made one of the dozen "topical" lists; in this case I think it was "Lifestyle" or something, and she was only on it for two weeks.  You don't even have to sell all that many books to make the list - I think she sold something like 36,000 books overall.  That Lala didn't even make that list indicates her sales must have been abysmal.   The book cover at Amazon says "National Bestseller" (but not "NYT Best Seller).   

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9 hours ago, Cheezwiz said:

Okay WTF is it with all of these Bravo shows and pickleball? I never even knew it was a racquet sport until last week when I saw it on RHo's of Beverly Hills. Is someone at Bravo investing in it and trying to make it happen or something?

Charli is a total weirdo and I don't care about her food issues.

So Scheana's Dollar General Aquaman is a deadbeat Dad? Too bad, he seemed sort of nice.

I did LOVE that Lala didn't get the NYT bestseller status she so desperately wanted for the book she "wrote".

I actually don't mind Lisa's appearances on the show, I prefer her to all of these chuckleheads.

 

“Dollar General Store Aquaman”  I’m dying right now! 😂😂😂😂  Can I just say that Aquaman needs a new stylist, because his taste in clothing SUCKS!  The only thing I can figure is that maybe that’s the way Aussies dress.

11 hours ago, Marley said:

Meh lame again.

Randall seemed a bit rude and aggressive..prob had a bit too much “pasta” in the bathroom prior to that. Schwartz is an idiot tho.

Katie seems like she’s half asleep most times.

James proposing to Raquel? Who cares lol.

Brock seemed alright when he was working out with the Toms. Still a deadbeat dad tho prob. Seems like he would be fun to hang around tho lol.

Everyone else was lame. I do not care to see more of Charli on my screen.

Lisa does not need to be on this show. She is not needed like at all.

Still watching but only because there’s nothing else lol.

Katie’s a pothead, which is why she seems half-asleep all the time.

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2 minutes ago, farmgal4 said:

“Dollar General Store Aquaman”  I’m dying right now! 😂😂😂😂  Can I just say that Aquaman needs a new stylist, because his taste in clothing SUCKS!  The only thing I can figure is that maybe that’s the way Aussies dress.

Katie’s a pothead, which is why she seems half-asleep all the time.

Now that I think of it, I'm trying to think of SOMEONE on this show that I actually liked.   And then I came to a said realization.  There are only two people in this series that I've ever really really liked.

The cooks.  In the episode where Kristin got fired.  

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8 minutes ago, snarts said:

Say what you want about Schwartz, but he's the only one I find engaging.

I dunno.  How Raquel gets constantly shit on for being stupid and yet Schwartz is just considered adorable is pretty suspect.

10 minutes ago, Carolina Girl said:

That Lala didn't even make that list indicates her sales must have been abysmal.   The book cover at Amazon says "National Bestseller" (but not "NYT Best Seller).  

Maybe, but I was surprised by the positive reviews and ratings in my massive 12 or 13-second bit of research.

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10 hours ago, Cheezwiz said:

Okay WTF is it with all of these Bravo shows and pickleball? I never even knew it was a racquet sport until last week when I saw it on RHo's of Beverly Hills. Is someone at Bravo investing in it and trying to make it happen or something?

Charli is a total weirdo and I don't care about her food issues.

So Scheana's Dollar General Aquaman is a deadbeat Dad? Too bad, he seemed sort of nice.

I did LOVE that Lala didn't get the NYT bestseller status she so desperately wanted for the book she "wrote".

I actually don't mind Lisa's appearances on the show, I prefer her to all of these chuckleheads.

 

Randall has an invested interest in Pickle Ball.  He designed and sells a $100 paddle.

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Clearly Katie and Lala hate being on the show, they are doing it for the money. They look out of place because their buddies Stassi, Beau, Jax and Brit are not there with them.  

I will say that Lala looks freakin fantastic for just having a baby. Scheana not so much. That pink dress did her no favors. Strange how some bodies after pregnancy bounce right back and some take more time. 

Sandoval thinks it's his show now. 

Sandoval's comment about Katie sitting on the couch during the pandemic and playing with Lego's was funny. Schwartz didn't disagree. 

So we find out Katie and Schwartz once again aren't having sex. They are not trying for a baby. I can't figure out what's going on with them. No big deal if they don't want a kid but at this point I think they are basically best friends/room mates. 

How random that fight between James and Max. James still has that mean streak, sober or not. 

 

Edited by bichonblitz
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I doubt James is completely sober. I mean he’s maybe not drinking but I’m sure he’s doing other sorts of drugs.

Sandoval is way too full of himself. Sometimes when he laughs or opens his mouth big he looks like a weird creepy doll. Maybe it’s his teeth.

Ariana has never been my cup of tea.

Lisa just likes the ego stroke she gets from these losers.

The fact that the Toms are taking home equity loans out is scary.

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1 hour ago, snarts said:

 

Also, Randall often seems hopped up on something.  Or is it that his energy level is at odds with his appearance? His voice doesn't match what I expect either.

Oh yeah he is a known coke head.  That's why he and Jax got along so well!

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1 hour ago, Lassus said:

I dunno.  How Raquel gets constantly shit on for being stupid and yet Schwartz is just considered adorable is pretty suspect.

How does finding Schwartz engaging have anything to do with Raquel?  While I don't think Schwartz is dumb (he was actually pre-med at FSU) my interest in watching him on a reality TV show has very little to do with his perceived intelligence. Plus, lots of first hand experiences from those who've met him that he's super friendly & (surprise) engaging :)

I find Raquel vapid & uninteresting and her deliberate manner of speaking lulls me to sleep.  I also dislike James, so her connection to him gives me pause.  Again, my opinion. sorry you find it suspect..

1 hour ago, bichonblitz said:

Sandoval thinks it's his show now. 

Now? Dude's always thought that.  He will be the hit the hardest when it's inevitably canceled.  I predict lots of bottom barrel reality show appearances in the future.  It'll be him, Ariana and the Teen Moms. 

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I had high hopes for Charli when she told us that LaLa thinks she’s hood, but she’s really from the hood, so let her try it. And we had a good minute and a half where Charli was standing up to LaLa like no one has ever done before! But then we get the “It’s not about the pasta” remix and Charli completely crumpled!

We saw Lala and Scheana pack for their babies…but we didn’t see the babies. Is some production assistant in a back room juggling a baby in each arm?

 

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12 hours ago, Cheezwiz said:

Charli is a total weirdo and I don't care about her food issues.

Charli's dramatic "skills" make her seem like a Summer House cast reject more than anything else. Her forced fight with Lala about how Lala treated Ariana? Felt so fake and not in a "producer made me do this and I've made it interesting" way. 

2 hours ago, Lassus said:

I dunno.  How Raquel gets constantly shit on for being stupid and yet Schwartz is just considered adorable is pretty suspect.

I do agree that Schwartz gets way too much of a pass, but for me it's in how he treats Katie and always, always puts Sandovals wishes/needs/wants above hers. I don't love Katie (don't hate her either), but she often has good points about how Sandoval treats Schwartz and that Schwartz never fully has her back in any circumstance. And her suggested name for the restaurant, 'Once Upon a Tom'? Much better than them going with Sandoval's name.

2 hours ago, Marley said:

Sandoval is way too full of himself. Sometimes when he laughs or opens his mouth big he looks like a weird creepy doll. Maybe it’s his teeth.

He looks like this to me:

joker.thumb.jpg.390c24ebe100555271bcdb49cb8026ee.jpg

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Barstow's really more of a hole than a hood, but point taken.

2 hours ago, snarts said:

Again, my opinion. sorry you find it suspect..

Overall and in general, not you specifically.

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4 hours ago, farmgal4 said:

“Dollar General Store Aquaman”  I’m dying right now! 😂😂😂😂  Can I just say that Aquaman needs a new stylist, because his taste in clothing SUCKS!  The only thing I can figure is that maybe that’s the way Aussies dress.

 

Nope, just him.  We do have a more laid-back style, but that's still a style (relaxed), but his is just blah.  Not taking any credit for his lack of style as an Aussie, nor am I taking ownership of the Aussie half of Jax.  I want to take him out to the middle of the Tasman Sea and leave him there.  Take his shitty mother along too.  She's useless.

 

Not that I should talk, I don't have much of a style, which is why I'm so glad that we have work uniform. 

4 hours ago, Carolina Girl said:

Now that I think of it, I'm trying to think of SOMEONE on this show that I actually liked.   And then I came to a said realization.  There are only two people in this series that I've ever really really liked.

Jen and Jeremy were okay, but that's because we didn't really see much of them.

 

4 hours ago, Carolina Girl said:

The cooks.  In the episode where Kristin got fired.  

😆😆😆😆😆

 

4 hours ago, Marley said:

 

Sandoval is way too full of himself. Sometimes when he laughs or opens his mouth big he looks like a weird creepy doll. Maybe it’s his teeth.

It's one of his Model Poses.  He was showing Schwartz different ones for modelling jobs in season 2 and also did that creepy open mouth laugh with his arms folded.

 

4 hours ago, Marley said:

Ariana has never been my cup of tea.

 

She's just so arrogant.  So is everyone on the show, but at least they all seem to be doing something.  Ariana is one of those people who never really does anything, but sits in Her High Priestess Tower and judges anyone for doing things she never had the guts to do.  Always talking about how smart she is, yet, she's never really made any achievements and she's on this show, so how is she better than any of them???

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9 minutes ago, SarahPrtr said:

Always talking about how smart she is, yet, she's never really made any achievements and she's on this show, so how is she better than any of them???

She put out that cocktail book with Sandoval. Did it make the best seller list? lol

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59 minutes ago, SarahPrtr said:

Always talking about how smart she is, yet, she's never really made any achievements and she's on this show, so how is she better than any of them???

This is a good point. Katie gets a lot of grief for her lack of energy and output, but other than the cocktail book from a few years ago Ariana hasn't done anything more. Not saying people shouldn't comment on Katie and what she's up to, but as with others, Ariana gets a pass because of personality.

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2 hours ago, SarahPrtr said:

Wait, it did, didn't it?  I think Amazon reviews were really good.

It was not a NYT bestseller and they're being sued for breach of contract. The only Vanderpump Rules affiliated book to be a NYT bestseller was Stassi's. 

Reminds me, good on Charli for realizing this gravy train won't last forever and getting her esthetician license. 

Edited by snarts
Charli not Raquel
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10 hours ago, Carolina Girl said:

They'll be Rob and Amber 2.0.  

Anyone seen the ratings for this?  I understand they were WAY DOWN last week.  

 

Ratings were basically flat from last week. Last week was 640,000 and this week was 630,000. Again, this was a show that was garnering over a million viewers for every episode except the “Secrets Revealed” and “How They Got Here” episodes. 

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15 hours ago, bichonblitz said:

She put out that cocktail book with Sandoval. Did it make the best seller list? lol

It's a good book, actually.  Have used it frequently, it's well done.

I mean, I doubt this show has been great for Ariana overall, personality-wise. She DOES seem pretty smart, to me, but she has also shrunken/fallen emotionally to the level of these dipshits surrounding her, IMO.  

13 hours ago, snarts said:

The only Vanderpump Rules affiliated book to be a NYT bestseller was Stassi's. 

Which I admit shocks me.  You leave me with the reading choice of drowning or being burned alive, I admit I'd go with drowning.  I mean Lala.

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Wow. If these chuckleheads didn’t have this show for all these years, I don’t know if they would have managed to survive into their mid-30s. Ariana does not understand collateral? Sandoval will owe HER if things go south? 

While this whole cast is a case of arrested development, Schwartz has to be the worst. His “gee whiz, aw shucks” schtick is old. He cannot articulate the business plan for a venture that needs financing and could spell disaster if it fails. He’s like Sandoval’s puppy, and Sandoval isn’t much better — now we know why only their names are on TomTom and LVP is the brains behind the business. 

Lala. 😂. Just assuming that because it’s her, and she wrote a book, she’d automatically make the NYT bestseller list. Damn, her ego is breathtaking. Bob Woodward, move over for Lala Kent. Nope, LOL. I thought her persecution complex was rich, though, and I flashed on the scene from a few seasons ago where she got into a screaming fight with Billie (and Raquel) at brunch. James had been fired for similar behavior by that time, yet Lala got to keep her job. (A good observation by Sandoval at the time, BTW.) 

50-year-old Randall looks ridiculous hanging out with these overgrown teenagers. 

This show has jumped the shark. Lazy, self-absorbed people playing at adulthood. Hard pass. If Bravo insists on keeping this franchise going, maybe it should focus more on LVP and her restaurants rather than people on permanent vacations. 

How many more weeks of this, again?
 

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(edited)

Did anyone catch the "extended footage" version last night when they showed the Toms discussing the name of their new bar with sexy businesswoman Lisa Vanderbucks and FI Tom said they had considered calling it "Lisa's Legs" so they could say "I can't get a drink until Lisa's Legs are open"? 🤢

Edited by Gharlane
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When Lala and Randall were looking at a recently purchased bathing suit (?) in their house I am pretty sure it was accompanied by a receipt from Target which Rand quickly squirreled away. I guess he thinks that doesn't convey loads of disposable income...

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On 10/7/2021 at 5:37 AM, Lassus said:

It's a good book, actually.  Have used it frequently, it's well done.

It (Fancy AF Cocktails) really is. I was truly impressed by how beautiful it is, all the photography. Has a very rich feel. I also appreciate all the writing they put into it. And then the recipes are awesome! So much fun and all over the place. I've only made one so far, from the Trash section, an ersatz Bloody Mary. But definitely want to make more.

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On 10/10/2021 at 3:36 PM, RoseAllDay said:

50-year-old Randall looks ridiculous hanging out with these overgrown teenagers. 

I mean, sorta.  But they are all in their late thirties.  He's only 11 years older than Schwartz, which is kinda normal.  

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On 11/8/2021 at 3:50 PM, Judi Sunshine said:

It (Fancy AF Cocktails) really is. I was truly impressed by how beautiful it is, all the photography. Has a very rich feel. I also appreciate all the writing they put into it. And then the recipes are awesome! So much fun and all over the place. I've only made one so far, from the Trash section, an ersatz Bloody Mary. But definitely want to make more.

Is that the one where she uses ketchup packets (gag) to make the Bloody Mary??

 

On 11/9/2021 at 6:52 AM, Lassus said:

I mean, sorta.  But they are all in their late thirties.  He's only 11 years older than Schwartz, which is kinda normal.  

Really?  He LOOKS to be around 55.

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21 minutes ago, heatherchandler said:

Really?  He LOOKS to be around 55.

I looked it up on the internet, so I assume it's true.  That's how that works, isn't it?

Current ages, top to bottom:

Ken - 76 years

LVP - 61 years

Randall - 50 years

(Jax - 42 years)

Tom Schwartz - 39

Tom Sandoval - 38 

(Kristen - 38)

Ariana - 36

Scheana - 36

Katie - 34

(Stassi - 33)

(Brittany - 32)

Brock - 30

James - 29

Raquel - 27

Charli - 24

 

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