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S15.E05: Auditions 5

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The auditions continue as variety acts of all types and contestants of all ages audition for the chance to win $1 million.

Original airdate: 6/23/20

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I really liked watching the last act: the fellow on the silks!  It was beautiful & artistic. And I thought the magician(from Venezuela) was very unique & different from the usual magic acts.  Shakira, the young woman from GA, has a very good voice.   I was grossed out by the guy with the bulging eye-balls & cant understand how he got voted through.   But, overall, I enjoyed the show tonight. 

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Making fudge sauce while dinner is in the microwave. There will probably be vodka again.

  • 12yo singer: I was mostly just listening from the kitchen and could barely hear her over the audience. Sophia: she's 12, not 3. You sound like you think you're talking to a preschooler.
  • Comedian: He was funny and I like his low-key delivery; a nice change from most of the comedians on this show. (I watched again on facebook and noticed that when he was talking about needing glasses the camera focused on people in the audience who were wearing glasses. Subtle.)

Update: there is now vodka.

  • Teenage dance crew: Eh. No idea what Terry's "OH!" was in reaction to. It'd be nice if they'd let us folks at home actually see what's happening. I guess that's too much to ask at this point.
  • "I'm a rapper. I rap." Thanks for explaining. Oh, god, he did not just pop his eyes out of his head. ...........................................................(from kitchen: Is he done yet? I changed my mind about that whole "let us see what's happening" thing.)
  • Why do they insist on asking "Why AGT?" Why the hell do you think?
  • Australian dancer: Glad to have someone rip off their pants only to reveal...another pair of pants. (Albeit gold ones. I liked him.)

Update 2: Now there is ice cream with strawberries and homemade hot fudge sauce.

  • West African dancers: All I can say is "Ow." Had to look away when the one guy started turning the other guy's head. If they have to put "Dangerous Stunt. Do Not Attempt" on the bottom of the screen, I can't watch.
  • Rock & Roll Bad Romance. Interesting. I liked it. I think.
  • Romanian "singer": No comment.
  • West African dancer guy helping lady open water bottle: that didn't look at all staged or anything. 🙄
  • Lady turns out to be a bodybuilder. Haha. Pow! (Not sure posing in a bikini and yelling counts as talent, but hey, she looks damn good. I was gonna say "for 73" but...)
  • Damn, she's tiny next to Terry.
  • Did we really make it all the way to the last act before getting an "I was bullied" sob story?
  • He was good. I liked watching his kids watching him. They were cute.
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37 minutes ago, BuckeyeLou said:

I was grossed out by the guy with the bulging eye-balls & cant understand how he got voted through.

I didn't mind the sight-gag, but where is he going with this? What could he possibly do next? 

32 minutes ago, ams1001 said:

Update 2: Now there is ice cream with strawberries and homemade hot fudge sauce.

With vodka??? 

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3 minutes ago, Superclam said:

With vodka??? 

The vodka was separate (in strawberry lemonade). 

The original fudge sauce recipe I used had Baileys in it, but I have no Baileys at the moment. There's an alcohol-free version that uses heavy cream, which I also do not have. I decided to just use milk (2%) and see what happens. Not bad. Wondering how thick it'll be after it spends the night in the fridge. (When I made the Irish cream version it was super thick after it cooled completely.)

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1 hour ago, nickp1991 said:

Eric Stonestreet put on the hot seat

I've gotten to the point this is background noise. I looked up last week and saw Heidi wasn't there. She may have been missing for half the episode. I wouldn't have noticed either way. 

I'm very surprised they didn't rush in a celebrity replacement earlier. As soon as Eric Stonestreet was there I paid some attention. 

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I'm watching the auditions on YouTube as to expose myself to as little garbage as possible.

Alan Silva - Gets the crowd to applaud over living in a country, which applies to nearly everyone on Earth except for perhaps the weirdos who claim residence in unsanctioned waters so they can marry inanimate objects or dead relatives. How many damn times can the crowd start howling before he's done anything? If I got that kind of praise before I achieved anything, there'd be no point in getting a job (the screams of my double personality must count for something, since I haven't gotten off the sofa yet). Since I am also short - 2 feet tall if the remarks mean girls say to me are to be believed, his act looks like me having to leap off the ground to close the curtains so the neighbors don't see my obscene taste in pornography reflecting off the windows. I thought it wasn't anything special. Lest he get mentioned in any of the following videos, I don't know who the fat guy at the judge's table is (edit - realized it was the Modern Family guy)

Winston - I'm hoping his name isn't a spoiler for the finale, which may be a bold assumption that I won't have gouged out my eyes by then. To assuage everyone that my perverted remarks haven't gone away, Sofia is looking succulent tonight; I have to keep a muzzle on to avoid shattering my teeth from biting the TV. I don't know if all day and night computer for a decade has numbed my emotional responses, but I thought this act was a total nothing. The same type of act is on here every single year, so how could you not nod off to this. Also noting his pre-ripped jeans, that is such a douchey fashion style.

Annie Jones - I thought she looked more like 7 than 12; expert analysis on such maturation issues should mean something coming from me due to perpetually seeing the reflection of a 2 year old with facial hair in the mirror. I'm sick of these kid acts being overrated just because they're young; I wouldn't pay a dime for this unless to take refuge in the theater from a Forte street performance.

Ty Barnett - Being from the south side of Chicago and having not been robbed for his clothes or worse by now should be counted as a talent. I thought the material was pretty lame, though I'm aware that there are people who wouldn't think what I come up with is funny, so I don't really know what to say. The part about dating etiquette was completely lost on me, as overexposure to adult video has led me to believe I live in a porno simulation and approach every woman in a pizza deliveryman outfit.

Shaquira McGrath - Simon pretending he didn't criticize American Idol contestants for being fat is annoying (I support fat criticism, though) so he can retain his fake Uncle SJW routine. Of course she has to start off with vague "I was bullied" stories, it's so tiring. She doesn't even look short, unless the camera adds 10 inches, which would come in handy for challenging people that I know I'd never have any chance of meeting in real life to fights. Will she be able to go far in the competition? Despite her initials being S&M, her hands are tied.

Xtreme Dance Force - "X-Men" as their jackets say makes me think they are incredibly convincing transgenders, assuming that's what they were going for. I thought it was OK, but the camerawork made it come off as underwhelming, especially as they kept panning back to show one of the judges making an open mouthed face, as if you can't come to your own conclusion about an act without that.

Chef Boy Bonez - "Haha, he pull the epic switch! Me not see that coming!". Sick of this shit. His song was seemingly 80% hook, which I don't believe rhymed and the verse wasn't that great. I've been practising rap on and off for a few years and it takes a ton of practice to be able to write anything good, so it'd be nice to see a good rap act.

Lewis Shilvock - Nice to see this, as I recently listened to so much Queen that I got Mercury poisoning; whether or not that was the cause or mistaking thermometers for freezies cannot be determined. "Don't Stop Me" is something I will never say in regards to watching this show, though I can say anyone who tried to keep me from turning it on is a true friend. After a masculine performance like that, at least he can remove having to find a wife from the list of things that may interfere with practice time.

Bonebreakers - I was pissed after seeing their group name and the failure of them to show me how to smash my fused growth plates. I can see their act becoming more entertaining in the following rounds - it's extremely rare I don't give an act the stinkeye (which is a literal term due to wafting my own farts in my face).

Jesse Kramer - Musicians really have to cut their teeth in Gnash-ville. These slowed down takes of songs STINK. Any musician on AGT has a success level of immediately being handed a dustpan and broom a la Forte, so whatever genre it is doesn't really matter, though I wish rock would make a comeback. The Top 40 is dominated by rap that sounds like slurring drunk drivers having their sobriety field tests recorded.

Serban Cioca - I wouldn't doubt that the lyrics pertaining to chocolate being all over the American audience's face were freestyled in an attempt to try and turn the crowd around. Shitty act, but you already knew that.

Josefina Monasterio - Damn, now that's a Mom that would make me get a job by brute force. I am hoping that in old age I develop full body tumors that vaguely resemble muscles, as to make the young punks think twice about robbing me, even if in reality, just bending over to pick up the paper would kill me. Seeing that Terry is actually that muscular has caused me to frantically try and retract the insults I sent him about his baldness - can't believe I thought I was better than him when only a week after that tweet, I now have to wrap a lone 5 foot strand of hair from the very back of my scalp into what looks like a curled up cat and duct tape it to try and convince everyone I don't have a Norwood 10.

***

What a crappy show; I don't necessarily like talking about myself for 90% of the post, but when the acts are that boring, I don't know what else to do. I dread next week's episode.

Edited by InternetToughGuy
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6 hours ago, ams1001 said:

Making fudge sauce while dinner is in the microwave.

Never heard of a woman who would announce their bathroom trips like that, but you do you

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The little Aussie girl sings and Simon claps time with the music while staring at the girl with his curiously dead fish eyes. That guy is SO FREAKY sometimes. Meanwhile, he lets the kid know Australia is "a long way away." Gold star for geography, Cowell!

The girl sang Dance Monkey's song, which I like, but didn't think she was all that, even though the audience was 100 percent on its feet, clapping along, and judges all clapping along. Then she gets a standing O. And get this: Howie tells her YOU ARE A STAR! That's the first time that's been said on this show, ever. EVER!

I didn't think she was all that great, but I heard her replayed on the radio the next morning and she sounded pretty good, kinda sorta like Dance Monkey. So I guess she's okay. I mean, for a 12 year old from so far away.

I like Shakira/Shaquira, thought she was good.

The XMen dancers were not in synch and I thought they would have been kicked to the curb on WOD, so I was surprised Howie and a couple others thought the same, and said the same. Then Simon Cowell says "It's your first time auditioning so it's okay to not be great." WTH! Why is it okay for some, not others. I swear, this show ...

The eyeball guy made me LOL, and then LOL some more, and I mean loud. I haven't laughed that hard since ... *shrugs*

Magician guy was cool. Me likee.

The next act is from Australia, giving Simon another chance to tell that person that Australia IS FAR.

What's up with this show slo-mo-ing dancers. I hate it.

Gold Porno Pants Dancer wasn't very good. Did he say he was in Cirque? I wasn't paying much attention. But if he was, he was not on stage in any Cirque shows.

2020 is The Year of the Contortionist. This stuff doesn't gross me out so I guess I'd never get a seat in the AGT audience where you have to be slack-jawed horrified by such acts. It irked me the camera kept not showing the act so they could instead give us close ups of all the paid ticket holders, but that irks me every week for every act, so there's that. I got a big laugh out of the DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME legal disclaimer shown during the Reagan/Exorcist Head Twist. "Oh, Mom, I just twisted Johnny's head all the way around like I saw on TV last night and now he's not moving." Ha ha ha! Anyway, I did like this act.

The rock singer was good I think, although I couldn't understand the words and so did not recognize the song. Not that it matters I guess.

The 70+ body builder woman was only put on so Terry could take off his shirt AGAIN and bounce his boobs around AGAIN so we could all admire his fabulous body. As for me, if I never see a shirtless boob-bouncing Terry Crews again, it will be too soon. I HATE HATE HATE this pandering.

I did like one of the acts saying he would take Simon to Good Will and buy him a bunch of colorful used t-shirts. Now THAT I can get behind.

The silks guy was good, but no way can I believe no one in his family has ever watched his act before. He's a circus guy from a circus family and his wife never saw him do any aerial work? I guess I believe that as much as any other story told on this show.

Next week I'm coming to your house @ams1001 for dinner and a watch party. That'll be me knocking on your door. I'll wear my AGT t-shirt so you recognize me.

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9 hours ago, InternetToughGuy said:

Never heard of a woman who would announce their bathroom trips like that, but you do you

https://cupcakesandkalechips.com/easy-hot-fudge-sauce-recipe/

1 hour ago, saber5055 said:

The rock singer was good I think, although I couldn't understand the words and so did not recognize the song. Not that it matters I guess.

It was Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, which I first heard years ago as a college a capella version from the University of Oregon

 

1 hour ago, saber5055 said:

The silks guy was good, but no way can I believe no one in his family has ever watched his act before. He's a circus guy from a circus family and his wife never saw him do any aerial work? I guess I believe that as much as any other story told on this show.

I think it was just his kids hadn't seen him before. I thought his wife made a comment to that effect in the package before he went on (but the video on FB doesn't include that part so I can't be sure). That I can believe (especially the little one who can't be more than 2 yet). I saw a comment on FB that the Vegas show he's in (Cirque's Zumanity) is not exactly a family show. 

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1 hour ago, saber5055 said:

Next week I'm coming to your house @ams1001 for dinner and a watch party. That'll be me knocking on your door. I'll wear my AGT t-shirt so you recognize me.

Come on over! Wear a mask and stay six feet away!

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I don't have any of the ingredients for that fudge sauce but I do have Baileys. Yeah, Zumanity is the 'adult' Cirque show, which emphasizes more erotic dancing. Horrors.

Had to laugh when Eric said he was only going to be on the show this week so he was going to torture the other judges by voting that act through.

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What a boring ass episode. I haven't seen one person yet this season that has Las Vegas act quality.

I guess Howie was chosen to be the meanie this episode. And wasn't Howie supposed to push the golden buzzer this episode or did he already?

What was the point of the body builder lady, did Terry meet her at the gym and tell the show to put her on so he could come out on stage and pose with her? 

After the bug eyed guy made it through with glowing remarks from Simon I am totally convinced because of the Gabby crap Simon will never push the red button for people of color again.

POW!!

 

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24 minutes ago, foxfreakinmulder said:

I guess Howie was chosen to be the meanie this episode. And wasn't Howie supposed to push the golden buzzer this episode or did he already?

According to Parade, the Golden Buzzers are as follows:

ep 1. Terry - Voices of Our City Choir
ep 2. Sophia - Roberta Battaglia (10-year-old, sang "Shallow")
ep 3. Heidi - Cristina Rae (singer)
ep 4. Simon - WAFFLE Crew (NYC dance crew)

Howie hasn't used his yet, but wikipedia has two more auditions episodes listed (6/30 and 7/7). Maybe they're saving it for the end.

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On 6/24/2020 at 12:54 PM, ams1001 said:

 

 

I think it was just his kids hadn't seen him before. I thought his wife made a comment to that effect in the package before he went on (but the video on FB doesn't include that part so I can't be sure). That I can believe (especially the little one who can't be more than 2 yet). I saw a comment on FB that the Vegas show he's in (Cirque's Zumanity) is not exactly a family show. 

That's what I heard, that his kids had never seen this act before.  

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Big nothing tonight until the final act.  He was very graceful and looked like a dancer on ribbons.

I like Eric Stonestreet.  His "That was just okay", was pretty honest.  He was right.  Nothing anywhere near V. Unbeatable.  

The guy from Australia had no finesse at all.  He was just moving around with little grace.  Should not even be mentioned in the same sentence with other very famous dancers.  

This seemed be a highly "gross out" night.  I'm not sure why they lumped all this together.   A bug eyed "rapper" and some contortionists.  I could not watch.  

I was on the other side of the kitchen when the card magician was on.  He made weird faces and from my perspective he looked like he was sitting on a toilet.  I expected him to poop out a card. 

I didn't recognize the song either, but I don't think any self respecting rock singer would perform one of her songs. 

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Another meh ep.

I had the most fun with Shaquira the country girl.  She belted it out loud and proud.  She actually does have a good voice.  I also was moved that in these troublesome times, an artist who was being pigeon-holed for evil reasons was so joyfully and fully accepted in Pasadena, CA.  With the right song choices (I know, I know) she actually could be a very tough out.

The magician told an unusually profound story and demonstrated serious skills.  I doubt he gets past the next round since he seems to display the dark side of things on the happiest talent show on earth.

We had a new dance form, y'all!  Where's Uncle Nigel to properly categorize and jidge it?!!  Is it Choreortiony?  Contoreo?  Whatever, it was next level for AGT.  Not my tastes, but full marks for the concept.  Over to you, Cat Deeley.

Neither comedian merited that opportunity.

Almost always, it's a snap to figure out AGT.  This ep sure was.  Hell yeah!  

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The people watching from my couch agreed that this episode simply contained more talent than usual lately. There were a number of decent acts, less horrible sob stories than usual and less stupid overstated commentary. ‘Less’’ not ‘no.’

One awful comment was Howie calling the little girl a “star.” She was good, and oddly, age-appropriate sounding as opposed to the staggering voices some of the kids have on this show. Not great, just good.

The Queen dancer was very athletic and professional, but he also showed exactly everything that the fat girl from a couple weeks ago didn’t have... dancing talent and technique. He was polished and tremendously talented as opposed to that girl would couldn’t lift her leg over her waistline and made a bunch of fake hand movements instead. She is such a phony it really bugs me.

I lived Shaquira, I liked her personality, too. I agree with the comment that Simon acting like he never judged people for being fat makes him a liar. I also couldn’t keep from thinking if a country person was singing a soul sing how many people would complain about “Misappropriation?” Hate that word.

The comedian was good. Liked his low key style. 
Loved that magician. Great stage presence.

The X kids weren’t that good, but they gave so much attention to camera angles that didn’t include the performance, maybe I missed something.

Loved the contortionist group, although there’s a lot of that now. 
Hated the “rapper.”

I liked the Nashville guy’s rendition of the Lady Gaga song, but it was too bad the producers, again, felt they needed to spoon-feed that info to the audience with Simon’s comment.

The guy flying in the silks did a nice job, and it was cool he was brothers with the Deadly Games guy.

Other thoughts: How many times do we see Terry with the shirt off? Is there anyone that doesn’t know that he’s built like that?  On the other hand, Sofia continues to show why she was the best idea the show has had in a long time. She is just great.

And it’s too bad the judges can’t just “judge” without the boring, “everyone is a star” BS with the occasional “no” vote by the designated meanie of the day.

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This set of auditions was underwhelming to me.  I've had to sleep on it and think of something to say.

The "rock" singer, who sang a non-rock n roll song from pop star Lady Gaga, is the only act I'd like to see again.  Please perform a rock song.  He has a great voice and style.

Everyone else was subpar compared to the other category of acts seen on AGT they would be categorized as.  Little Girl Aussie Singer was OK, but there are many more better out there, some even from America!  No, Howie, she's not a star.  The other Australian act was not that good either.  Go over to World of Dance and see what Jenny From The Block thinks.  Maybe she'll ooh and aah over your gold pants.

Subpar performances, boring same ole same ole.  The best parts were Howie playing mean judge with noes and the guest guy kind of agreeing with the noes some of the time.  Simon is in full swing with his kinder, gentler version of himself.

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11 hours ago, Vermicious Knid said:

In a related aside, Cirque du Soliel filed for bankruptcy and laid off 3500 people.

Ouch!  I love Cirque.  So, which was was the cirque performer?  The little person who performed on silks?  Zumanity is one of the only ones I haven't seen.  What's funnys is talking to someone who goes to that one but doesn't know about its sexual content.  People seem stunned.  LOL. 

Once again, I have to say -- I am SO sick of the singers on this show.  If I wanted to watch singers I'd watch one of the singing competition shows.  

Even though I thought I had one of the word's weakest stomachs, I don't mind contortionists.  I rather like some of those acts.  The eyeballs-on-stalks guy though...no.  Just...no.  I couldn't stand to watch him.  Eyeball stuff grosses me out big-time.

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Ok, they really just need to change the name to "The World's Got Talent". It's a little disingenuous to call it America's Got Talent when half(or more)of the acts are not from/living in America.

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Sorry, I'm just posting random thoughts as I watch...

So, a guy comes on saying he wants to do Rock and Roll, and then proceeds to NOT do Rock and Roll. What the hell was that?!

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