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Killer Quotes

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Villanelle: If I'd known getting married would be this much fun, I'd have done it loads more by now. When I first met Maria, I thought, "Great shoes." But then I learned there's so much more to her than that. She also has a great house and a pool and a tailor, hairdresser - really is the all around excellent package.

Mo: So we're being overseen by a massive wanker.
Caroline: Precisely.

Paul: I hear you've been very naughty.
Carolyn: Have I? How thrilling.

Carolyn: Paul was once the rising star of MI6 until he defected to the other side.
Paul: I don't think the foreign office can be considered the other side, Carolyn.
Carolyn: Don't you?
Paul: I'm back now, with bells on.
Carolyn: So we can hear you coming.

Carolyn: Divorces are easy. It's marriages that are impossibly hard.

Bear: You realize to fit in here, you have to be socially inept like the rest of us.

Bear: A normal person would flake on their friend if something better turned up.

Villanelle: When you really, really want to piss her off, you say Russia is a corrupt state clinging to the shadows of its Soviet glory.

Kenny: You really shouldn't leave your front door open considering the amount of people that have tried to kill you.

Kenny: Okay, I'm just going to say it. I'm really, really sorry about what went down-
Eve: No, no, no.
Kenny: Let me say it.
Eve: It's really best if you didn't. I prefer things-
Kenny: Buried.
Eve: Exactly.
Kenny: Well, that's very British.

Kenny: You should come to the office after work for beers. I'm there most evenings and weekends. I think you could do with people - or something. You don't seem very-
Eve: No, Kenny, I'm fine.
Kenny: I know. You just don't seem very happy
Eve: Who says I want to be happy?

Carolyn: That website has you working at the weekend?
Kenny: You had me working at the weekend.
Carolyn: That's because people get murdered at the weekend.
Kenny: And it's not a website! It's an online publication.
Carolyn: Oh, very good.

Eve: These drinks don't involve games or organized fun, do they?

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Carolyn: Can you ask them to change that music? It's terribly dreary.
Geraldine: Today isn't about pretending we're not sad, mom. It's about acknowledging the sadness together.
Carolyn: Couldn't we be sad and listen to good music?

Villanelle: You know if you quit smoking, you'd look like ten years younger.
Dasha: Why would I want to look ten years younger?

Dasha: It's good to have many lovers. It keeps you limber.

Paul: I know returning to work is a welcome distraction.
Carolyn: I don't believe in distractions.

Villanelle: Why can't I just do the work and he watch? So much easier.
Dasha: Management is not easy. It's watching someone do job worse than you. That's why it sucks. To be keeper, that takes patience and responsibility. You need both.
Villanelle: I don't have both. I have neither.

Villanelle: Anybody can fight. It takes a special person to kill.
Felix: I've killed loads of times.
Villanelle: Bull shit.
Felix: There was this kid that bullied me in school.
Villanelle: Textbook.
Felix: His sister.
Villanelle: Basic.
Felix: His father.
Villanelle: I'm falling asleep here.
Felix: His cousin, best friend, uncle, dance teacher, and grandma. They were in the same car.

Little girl: I want two [balloons].
Villanelle: Life's shit. Get used to it.

Bear: [Kenny] had started wearing deodorant.

Audrey: [Kenny] used to sing to himself when he was on the loo. S Club 7 mostly.

Villanelle: How do you know I'm back with The Twelve?
Konstantin: Because I never stopped working for them. You know I care about you.
Villanelle: I know you're full of shit.
Konstantin: Can't it be both?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Carolyn: Oh, get over it, Eve. I have all my best thoughts in the bath. If Mo can manage, you can.
Mo: I haven't looked up in ten minutes.
[doorbell rings]
Carolyn: Who's that?
Eve: Our Bitter Pill representative. I invited him before I knew this meeting was in a bathroom.

Eve: So we have the burner phone and the thumb drive. What else do we have to go on?
[silence]
Eve: Excellent. Good meeting.
Jamie: Meetings have biscuits.
Carolyn: You can have a biscuit when you tell me what the point of you is.
Jamie: Planning on analyzing those yourself then, are you?
Carolyn: I think the world's foremost intelligence agency might handle it.
Jamie: What, that public school what ho-ing old boy's network?
Carolyn: I don't think a beer fridge and a beanbag breakout area gives you any great insight into global politics.
Eve: Enough! Carolyn, you and Mo take th phone. We'll take the thumb thingy cause you know what we do from now on? We share.
Geraldine: Wow, that is literally the most parenting this household has ever seen.

Villanelle: No.
Dasha: No? What do you mean, no?
Villanelle: It's too soon. I have to prepare. I'm not ready. How about that?
Dasha: Not ready for London? All you need is anorak and face like cheese.

Bear: Do you want [a chip]?
Eve: What? No.
Bear: Once I pop, I just can't stop.
Eve: You can. It's just about self control.
Bear: I don't have any self control.

Eve: Kenny and I were looking into an international organization. Okay, before I go on, you have to understand that once I tell you about them, your lives are in danger.
Jamie & Bear: Then don't tell us.
Eve: They're called the Twelve.

Eve: The double agent was an MI-5 officer named Frank Haleton.
Jamie: What happened to Frank?
Eve: He lost his knob and his life.
Jamie: In that order?

Villanelle: I want to smell powerful. I want to make people gag with it. Can you do that for me? I want to smell like a Roman centurion who's coming across an old foe who in battle once hurt him greatly.

Geraldine: I think it's wonderful you're letting people in. We all need intimacy in our live, even people who keep secrets for a living.
Carolyn: Nonsense. There are monks in China who go years without seeing another human being. Emily Bronte hardly left the house.

Carolyn: Do go on. There's nothing I enjoy more than salacious financial gossip.

Eve: Another one of your Cold War boyfriends, Carolyn?
Carolyn: Don't be ridiculous, Eve. We barely had a night together.
Eve: Yeah, we get it. You had a great time in the 80s.

Villanelle: You're more boring than that accountant I just shot, and accountants are really boring.

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Jamie: You're like a sad teenager waiting for a like on Instagram.

Eve: I was unfaithful to my husband. I put him in so much danger he ended up in hospital with PTSD.
Jamie: I took my kid to the zoo when I was high on ketamine.
Eve: I stabbed someone.
Jamie: GBH charge when I was 18.
Eve: I left a man to die so I could save a psychopath.
Jamie: My best friend died on drugs that I gave him.
Eve: I...Jesus, really?
Jamie: Do not think that you are the only self loathing asshole in the room ever. Choices, Eve. It's all about choices.

Konstantin: You are going to sneak out of school with me because I'm your father and because I'm telling you to do it.

Dasha: Just because it looks bad doesn't mean it tastes bad.

Dasha: You don't deserve nice things if you don't look after them.

Dasha: Did you do anything when you were [in London]?
Villanelle: A Jack the Ripper walking tour.
Dasha: Why are you lying to me?
Villanelle: I'm not. I gained valuable insight into Victorian gender politics.

Villanelle: You know you really don't have to be so dramatic.

Konstantin: What's got you in such a good mood?
Villanelle: It's Eve's birthday today.
Konstantin: But you shot her and ruined her marriage. Isn't that enough?
Villanelle: Mustache is gone?

Konstantin: I need you-
Villanelle: To do something for me.
Konstanin: Something personal. Off-
Villanelle: The record?
Konstantin: I really hate it when you do that!
Villanelle: I'll do it.
Konstantin: But please do it nicely. Something efficient.
Villanelle: You want it nice or you want it efficient?

Carolyn: My office. That's the first thing I need.
Paul: You don't even know where your office is.
Carolyn: That doesn't mean I don't need it back.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Bor'ka: What do you think Elton would eat when he's in Berlin?
Villanelle: Currywurst with paprika.
Bor'ka: Istanbul?
Villanelle: Kebab. Go to Lezzet's. Ask for Ayaz.
Bor'ka: Vienna.
Villanelle: Great ice cream in Vienna.
Bor'ka: Athens?
Villanelle: Taramasalata.

Tatiana: The orphanage phone me and say you burn place down.
Villanelle: It was one floor. Two at most.
Tatiana: And many people die.
Villanelle: Many is a very loose term.

Villanelle: My head really was bulbous.

Tatiana: Welcome home, Oksana.
Villanelle: I've never actually lived here.

Pyotr: I beat the crap out of sofas so I don't beat the crap out of people. Do you think that's weird?
Villanelle: Just beat the crap out of people. It will make you feel a lot better.

Pyotr: You were always strong.
Villanelle: Being strong is a choice.

Tatiana: You're not a child.
Villanelle: I want to feel like one.

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Niko via hospital translation machine: Piss off forever.

Hélène: I've been watching you.
Villanelle: Uh, watching me in a kinky way?
Hélène: You're remarkable.
Villanelle: Are you trying to seduce me?
Hélène: Do you know why I wanted to meet you in person?
Villanelle: To watch me some more?

Konstanin: How was your trip?
Villanelle: It turns out I'm excellent at dung throwing.

Konstantin: And your mother?
Villanelle: ...
Konstantin: No, Villanelle! 
Villanelle: She deserved it.
Konstantin: Of course she deserved it. Everyone's mother deserves it. But you're not supposed to do it. You were supposed to grow up and realize she isn't actually evil.
Villanelle: I don't want to talk about it!

Carolyn: Are you working for them, Paul?
Paul: Excuse me?
Carolyn: Are you?
Paul: Are you, Carolyn?
Carolyn: Why on earth would you ask me that?
Paul: The same reason you asked me - because we don't trust each other.
Carolyn: Should I? Trust you?
Paul: Heavens no. None of us are to be trusted. That's why we work here.
Carolyn: Quite.

Villanelle: Is that your boyfriend?
Irina: My mom's boyfriend.
Villanelle: Is he a pervert?
Irina: No, he's just really really really...nice.

Villanelle: I bet you get homesick in a week,
Irina: No, I won't!
Villanelle: The heat will be awful. You'll have to wax all the time.
Irina: You're so old. People don't just wax anymore. I don't want to look like a 12 year old girl.
Villanelle: You are a 12 year old girl.
Irina: I'm 14, ugh!

Irina: You know how annoying it is when you have to be around two people in love? Well, imagine one of those people is your mom. It's disgusting. He's disgusting.
Villanelle: If he's that bad, kill him.
Irina: You're a real role model, you know that?

Konstantin: How are you?
Carolyn: Galvanized.

Konstantin: Are you in a rush?
Carolyn: No rush, just impatient.

Carolyn: What did you want with my child?
Konstantin: I swear, I tried nothing. She kissed me!
Carolyn: Geraldine kissed you?

Konstantin: You don't have to do this. I already know you are scary.

Geraldine: [The vegetables] are wonky, the ones that no one wanted.
Carolyn: Geraldine, are you comparing yourself to a carrot?

Carolyn: I could pretend to enjoy wonky carrot stew and listen to gong bells and all the other inane things that interest you but I don't because I can't lie. I know other parents do. They tell their children they're wonderful at this and great at that but I just don't have that gene.

Konstantin: Arrrrrgh! Will people stop waiting for me in the dark?!
Paul: A bit late for an evening stroll.
Konstantin: I was trying to get my step count up.

Dasha: So why you here? You want to ask about my gold medals?
Eve: I thought it was bronze.

Dasha: Just because you don't want it to be her doesn't mean it wasn't.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Hélène: Do you know why I love you, Villanelle? Because you're an agent of chaos and I love chaos. Chaos disrupts. It rips apart and starts again. It's like a forest fire. It burns. It kills. It's monstrous but it's beautiful. You're a beautiful monster, Villanelle.

Hélène: Do you have anything you would like to get off your chest, Villanelle? Has something happened recently?
Villanelle: I did something bad to my mother.
Hélène: Whatever it is, you can tell me. I don't want us to keep secrets from each other.
Villanelle: I took a shit in her shoe when I was three. A really big one.

Villanelle: Thank you for the inappropriate touching. It was actually pretty nice.

Carolyn: Three trips to Waitrose and an abortive attempt at hot yoga.
Mo: It's just standard white person stuff. I've been tracking him for a week and there's nothing to suggest he's working for the Twelve - unless they've branched out into groceries and hot vinyasa.
Carolyn: Jokes are for people who do their jobs correctly, Mo. So are omelettes.
Mo: Do you want me to make up evidence?
Carolyn: No, I want you to uncover the evidence that already exists which you haven't worked hard enough to expose.

Mo: I know you're upset about Kenny, that we haven't found out what happened to him.
Carolyn: Your powers of deduction are incredible.

Mo: Are you sure that Paul's a member of the Twelve?
Carolyn: A bottle of chablis, a stir fry kit, and a bath bomb - what does that say to you?
Mo: That he's planning a lovely evening in?
Carolyn: Or that he's trying to seem that he is. Trust me, that vintage of chablis is undrinkable.

Carolyn: Eve, I won't have my investigation derailed by an undiagnosed and, frankly, a little trying, messiah complex.
Eve: Wow, I'm the one with the messiah complex? Carolyn, why did we start this? Any of it?
Carolyn: Information, intelligence gathering. To compile a comprehensive filofax of despots, maniacs, and extremists in case we want to throw a Christmas bash.

Psychiatrist: Your daughter is extremely bright.
Konstantin: Believe me, it's a nightmare getting told "go eat a dick" in Icelandic.
Psychiatrist: She's also manipulative, calculating, almost entirely lacking in empathy.
Konstantin: Like her mother.
Psychiatrist: When asked about the accident involving your ex-wife's partner, she said she wished she could go back in time so she could reverse back over his body.

Eve: Eww, who recycles boxer shorts?

Eve: Jimmy, what happened?
Jimmy: We got raided.
Eve: By who? Who raided us?
Jimmy: The police. Came with a warrant this morning. Something about official secrets, something about obtaining data illegally. I don't know. Colluding with foreign criminals on the dark web.
Eve: Do we do that?
Jimmy: We don't not do that.

Bear: Does this mean I'm out of a job? Cause this is the only place I've ever worked where people don't talk about me behind my back.
Jimmy: Yeah, that's what you think.

Eve: We don't have time for this. Bear, do you have your laptop? Get it out. We've got work to do.
Jimmy: What are you going to do? Google "how to bring down a global crime syndicate"?
Eve: No, I'm going to google a bakery in north London.
Jimmy: Bear, don't get involved, mate.
Bear: Why not? It's not like I have a job anymore.
Jimmy: Well, I'm going to start drinking.

Irina: This place is amazing! Look what someone just gave me. It's a shank made out of a toothbrush.

Irina: You should read some Stanislavksy.
Konstantin: I'm not acting.
Irina: Exactly. You've OVER-acting. You need to mobilize your self conscious. Tone all this down a little. It's too much.

Jimmy: I can't believe I'm still here and not halfway to cirrhosis in a park.
Bear: You're here because you know she's brilliant.
Eve: Yes, I know technically it's not legal to divulge a customer's personal information but it's not like anyone would find out.
Jimmy: You think she's brilliant?

Bear: You know, I lost my virginity in Reykjavik.

Eve: What about recent activity on the card? Can you get to that, Bear?
Bear: Not legally.
Eve: Okay, do it anyway.
[Jimmy sighs]
Eve: You can't get raided twice in a day! It's a rule.

Dasha: You look ridiculous.
Villanelle: It's my family tartan.
Dasha: You're German. Germans don't wear kilts.

Villanelle: My mother has a funny sense of humor. It's dementia.

Villanelle: Do you know what's waiting for you at home?
Dasha: Vodka. Proper Russian vodka.

Villanelle: Russia has vegans now, you know that? You go into a restaurant, you ask for a stroganoff, they're going to laugh in your face.

Villanelle: Does your son have your halitosis? Can I have his number? It's such an intoxicating scent.

Konstantin: What is it with everyone hiding in the dark? You want to send me to an early grave?
Geraldine: I'm so sorry. I thought it would be a nice surprise.
Konstantin: There's no such thing as a nice surprise. How did you get in?
Geraldine: You left a key with your neighbor.
Konstantin: How stupid of me.

Dasha: I'm going to miss this.
Villanelle: Looking like a prophylactic that can't play golf?

Villanelle: He's crying out to be killed.
Dasha: I killed so many Americans in Cold War. You could make giant greasy tapestry out of them. They were less fat then but just so loud.

Driver: I did the train down to London a couple of years back. Me and the wife are fans of true crime walking tours, you see, and if you want to get the most serial killer bang for your buck, the capital is the only place to be.

Dasha: They don't have belts in America?

Villanelle: Stuff that in your fanny pack and eat it!

Konstantin: The Twelve want to kill me. Carolyn's daughter wants to kill me. My ex-wife wants to kill me. My daughter wants to kill me. My ex-wife's new boyfriend would want to kill me if he wasn't already dead.
Man: Watch where you're going, idiot!
Konstantin: That random guy now wants to kill me.
Villanelle: I thought you didn't want to talk about it.
Konstantin: I don't.
Villanelle: Well, I'm hearing a lot of something that sounds like talking for someone who doesn't want to talk about it.
Konstantin: I think I'm just really, really tired.
Villanelle: Up your magnesium.

Konstantin: Maybe I should just let them kill me.
Villanelle: Wooooow, bring the mood down, why don't you?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Carolyn: What do you want, Villanelle?
Villanelle: I want to know what the canteen's like.
Carolyn: Here [at Prince Albert Hall]?
Villanelle: MI6.
Carolyn: It's heavily lasagna based. Sometimes they branch out into cannelloni.

Villanelle: I'm looking for a new challenge.
Carolyn: You want to kill for us now?
Villanelle: No.
Carolyn: I'm confused. What would you do for us?
Villanelle: I can do all sorts of things. Spy stuff - fake mustache, codes, information.
Carolyn: Who killed Mo Jafari?
Villanelle: I don't know.
Carolyn: Who killed my son?
Villanelle: What?
Carolyn: Rather a poor start to a job interview, don't you think?

Konstanin: Is this really necessary?
Doctor: You had a massive heart attack.
Konstantin: I know. I was there for it.

Dasha: You have infected [Villanelle] with your disgusting lack of ambition.

Villanelle: Talk me through your outfit.
Rhian: I like to be comfortable.
Villanelle: Why?
Rhian: What do you mean 'why'?
Villanelle: Comfortable is what you make people with a terminal illness.
Rhian: I was trained to wear clothes that allow full range of movement.
Villanelle: So weird. I was trained to look devastating. Obviously.

Villanelle: Isn't it funny? Two ruthless killers and somebody says, "Jump," we just jump.
Rhian: Autonomy's overrated. Sheep are happier than wolves.

Villanelle: You have almost no sense of humor.
Rhian: I take my job seriously.
Villanelle: If I tickled you, would you laugh then?
Rhian: Don't tickle me.
Villanelle: That's a yes.

Geraldine: For not trusting you, for not hearing you, for holding you up to the model of motherhood dictated by society, for pursuing an intimate relationship with your former lover - even if I didn't know I was being coerced by him, and for my active faults: judging you, lying to you, thinking the worst of you, which I suppose is the same as judging you. I bring this acknowledgment to you and ask for your forgiveness and acceptance. You loving daughter, Geraldine.
Carolyn: What am I supposed to do? Applaud? Or...?
Geraldine: Your turn.
[Carolyn opens a blank notebook]
Carolyn: Dear Geraldine, I think it's time you left.
[Carolyn closes notebook]
Geraldine: That's it? That's everything you ever wish you'd said to me?
Carolyn: It's all I want to say.
Geraldine: So you're throwing me out?
Carolyn: I'm not throwing. I'm firmly suggesting.

Geraldine: Tell me, mum, what is this really about?
Carolyn: It's about your wasting your time on earth navel-gazing and researching natural deodorants.
Geraldine: So it's not about you feeling guilty that your ex shag bugged us and used me to get at you?

Sharon: What's your name?
Eve: Tallulah Shark.

Bruce: I expected you to look more like a stripper.
Eve: I'm in disguise.

Carolyn: I don't like meetings when I don't know what I'm meeting about.

Audrey: Can I make you a cup of tea?
Carolyn: Why do you say it like that?
Audrey: How did I say it?
Carolyn: Like I'm about to need one.

Konstantin: I would say it's nice to see you but last time you were leaving me to die.

Eve: Why would your daughter want this?
Konstantin: She's not right in the head.

Villanelle: This better not be you calling to tell me you're dead.

Villanelle: Eve, I'm at your work. Everyone here is really strange.

Bear: What do you think she does with all the penises?
Jimmy: Shhhhhh!
Villanelle: The good ones, I pickle. The bad ones, you don't want to know.

Konstantin: How do you drop a pin on these [phones]?

Eve: [Konstantin] killed Kenny.
Villanelle: He doesn't kill people. He makes other people do it for him.

Villanelle: You can be pretty athletic when you choose.

Eve: I killed Dasha.
Villanelle: No, I killed Dasha. I hit her over the head with a golf club.
Eve: I crushed her with my foot.
Villanelle: You did?
Eve: Uh huh.
Villanelle: Then I guess we both did. Isn't that romantic?
Eve: You know the only people who would think that are?
Villanelle: Who?
Eve: Us.

Eve: What happened to us? I used to be like them.
Villanelle: What? Badly dressed? You were never like them. You only thought you were.
Eve: No. I had a life. I had a husband and a house and a chicken.
Villanelle: Do you still want that stuff?
Eve: When I try and think of my future, I just see your face over and over again.
Villanelle: It's a very beautiful face. Did I ruin your life? Do you think I'm a monster?
Eve: You're so many things.
Villanelle: That doesn't answer my question.
Eve: I think we all have monsters inside of us. It's just that most people manage to keep theirs hidden.
Villanelle: I haven't.
Eve: Neither have I.
Villanelle: I think my monster encourages your monster.
Eve: I think I wanted it to.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Villanelle: But this one has asthma. You know I like the breathy ones.

Villanelle: Imagine if I refused. What do you think I would've become? Interior designer, maybe?
Eve: If you had, it would've saved me a lot of heartache.

Villanelle: If I killed everybody who betrayed me, there'd be no one left.

Carolyn: Unfortunately, Aaron Peel isn't the first megalomaniac to think about weaponizing and selling data, but now, thanks to you and Villanelle, he can't.
Eve: You wanted him dead! You sent us here to kill him.
Carolyn: On the contrary. I told you strenuously and repeatedly NOT to kill him. But, it's hardly our fault if an assassin for The Twelve murdered Aaron Peel. In fact, I think people will be rather relieved.
Eve: Villanelle wasn't working for The Twelve.
Carolyn: Wasn't she? Whose really to know who she was working for?
Eve: I do! She was working for us!
Carolyn: Oh, I see. This is uncomfortable.
Eve: This is not uncomfortable. This is a setup.

Villanelle: Don't speak to me like that, Eve. I like you, but I don't like you that much. Don't forget, the only thing that makes you interesting is me.

Hugo: This is taking ages.
Kenny: It's a computer; it's not magic.

Girl: Wow. You look amazing. Can I take a picture of you for my Instagram?
Villanelle: No. No. Don't be pathetic. Get a real life.

Eve: Mmmm. This is AMAZING. What do they put in it?!
Hugo: Hmmm. I don't know. Crack. Orphans.
Eve: I don't care if that's true. Seriously. If it tastes this good, grind up an orphan and fry it in crack.

Eve: How do you always look so good? Do you even sleep?
Carolyn: It's my moisturizer. It's made of pig's placenta. It smells like ass and costs a fortune, but it is exceedingly effective.
Eve: I don't mind smelling like arse.
Carolyn: I'll send you the link.

Hugo: Do you want to talk about it?
Eve: No. Maybe. What do you know about psychopaths?
Hugo: I went to boarding school.

Villanelle: Did you have a party or something?
Eve: I have lost two jobs, a husband, and a best friend because of you.
Villanelle: Yeah, but you got some really nice clothes out of it, so...

Eve: I'm sorry I don't like your boyfriends.
Carolyn: And I'm sorry you don't like your husband.
Eve: What?!

Frank: You're fired.
Eve: You're a dick swab.
Bill: Oh hey!
Frank: Thank you, Bill.
Bill: No! I was gonna call you a dick swab!

Edited by Hiyo
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7 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Villanelle: This better not be you calling to tell me you're dead.

Villanelle: Eve, I'm at your work. Everyone here is really strange.

I really liked these two.  Jodie's delivery was great.

Edited by Ms Blue Jay
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In the previews I kept assuming that the quote from Dasha in the hospital was "These girls are barbarians" referring to Eve and Villanelle. 

But when I re-watched with CC on she actually said:

"Have you had haggis?"

"These Scots are barbarians." 

And I belly laughed.

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Now that we have the full forum back and S3 is over, I'm going to move the quotes from S1 and S2 over to the quotes thread (everything from the original forum for Killing Eve got smushed into one thread so the quotes are intermingled with all the episode discussions, media posts, etc).

S1.E1

Eve: My head. What time did we leave last night?
Niko: It all ended when you and Bill sang "A Whole New World."
Eve: Oh, yeah. No one could follow that.

Frank: Thank you all for giving us your Saturday. Turns out people are still murderous bastards on the weekend.

Eve: Does anyone in the department speak heroin Polish?

Niko: Should I be jealous?
Eve: Always be jealous.

Eve: Can you pull Margit Polsen from the registry and any other active female assassins under the age of 45?
Elena: I got Margit.
Eve: How big are her tits? Breasts.
Elena: Okay, I know you're into assassins but I refuse to talk about them this way. They're people too, you know.
Eve: Elena!
Elena: Massive. She appears to have massive pendulous breasts. Is that doing it for you?

Villanelle: You should really ask before you touch a person.

Eve: How would you kill me if you could?
Niko: Um, I don't know. Push you down the stairs?
Eve: No, seriously. They'd come for you immediately.
Niko: I don't know. Flatter you to death. Okay, how would you kill me?
Eve: I'd paralyze you with saxitoxin and suffocate you in your sleep, chop you into the smallest bits I could manage, boil you down, put you in a blender, then take you to work in a flask and flush you down a restaurant toilet.

Niko: You're in the wrong department. You should have been a spy.
Eve: Yes, exactly. Thank you.

Bill: Our job is weird but it's also boring.

Bill: We've been bull shat.

Carolyn: Buy some milk. Or he'll think you're having an affair.
Eve: Oh, I don't think he'd ever think that.
Carolyn: They all think we're having affairs before they think we're secret agents.
Eve: Oh, no, I think Niko would assume I was an agent before  ever thinking that I was having an affair.
Carolyn: You might want him to think you're having an affair then.

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S1.E2

Carolyn: Eve, you know when something like this happens and someone gets -
Eve: Fired?
Carolyn: Yes. Fired. Their computer and hard drive get swept.
Eve: Oh, God.
Carolyn: They found this.
Eve: Oh. Oh.
[Eve opens a folder full of crime scene photos and assassin profiles]
Eve: Oh, I thought you were gonna pull out all the pictures we took of Frank eating.

Eve: Can I get a gin and tonic?
Waiter: We don't open the bar in the mornings.
Carolyn: Two gin and tonics, please.
Waiter: Yes, madam.

Eve: I believe there is a female assassin operating internationally and she's targeted a number of influential people. She doesn't have a signature, but she certainly has style and I don't know who or what is behind her, but I don't think she's slowing down and just that interested me, I guess. But also apparently makes me a fantasist and a crackpot and completely on my own. And, you know, frankly, I don't give a shit anymore. She is outsmarting the smartest of us, and for that, she deserves to do or kill whoever the hell she wants. I mean, if she's not killing me, then, frankly, it's not my job to care anymore.

Carolyn: I once saw a rat drink from a can of Coke there. Both hands. Extraordinary.

Eve: Aren't there more qualified people? 
Carolyn: I want you. 
Eve: Why?
Carolyn: Well, your research clearly speaks for itself, you're intuitive and you make insane suggestions. 
Eve: Thank you. 
Carolyn: And you've been fired, so no one cares about what you do next. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Villanelle: Letting yourself into my apartment and drinking from a tiny cup doesn't make you intimidating, by the way. It's just rude.

Konstantin: London was meant to look like suicide. 
Villanelle: It didn't? 
Konstantin: So she slit her own throat? 
Villanelle: It happens. 
Konstantin: And killed four other people?
Villanelle: Slip of the hand?

Konstantin: No more targets until you are assessed.
Villanelle: But this one has asthma. You know I like the breathy ones.

Jerome: When was the last time you worked?
Villanelle: Yesterday.
Jerome: Was it a successful mission?
Villanelle: Yes. I shot him twice in the heart and watched the spark drain from his eyes.
Jerome: Did you talk to him? 
Villanelle: A little. He said he had children and offered me money.
Jerome: What did you feel when he said those things?
Villanelle: Impatient.

Sebastian: Do you like music?
Villanelle: I like national anthems.

Elena: Quitting is literally everything I've been aiming for.

Kenny: It's best that you bring in your own [toilet paper] or it just disappears. How many sheets do you need?

Eve: I thought you were just being a monkey dick about not being the boss.
Bill: I don't know what a monkey dick is. 
Eve: Oh, yes, you do.

Villanelle: Okay, we can fight. But you will get tired, and I will get bored, and you don't like it when I'm bored. If I kill you, they will just send me another one.

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S1.E3

Niko: All chickens lay eggs out of their arseholes.
Eve: I love how you say that.

Bill: Let me guess. You think it was a woman.
Eve: Well, she was found in the ladies', so yes.

Eve: Please don't take me off the team.
Carolyn: I can't take you off a team that doesn't exist.

Villanelle: I like Berlin. Have you been before?
Konstantin: Yes.
Villanelle: Have you seen the wall?
Konstantin: Yes.
Villanelle: The Jewish museum? That is massively poignant.

Bill: Kinks are totally specific. It's not just about pain. It's a contract. It's about someone else taking control. A spankifier wouldn't just spank himself, would he? I mean, what would be the point in that?

Eve: You got him all hot with that no kink stuff.
Bill: It's an important distinction.
Eve: That you know so much about because...
Bill: I lived [in Berlin] for eight years.
Eve: And?
Bill: I said yes to everything for five of them. Dark horse, aren't I?

Eve: Should I pick up some fetish gear?
Bill: Only if they have rubber chaps.

Bill: You can't wear a bra with that dress. Whip it off. This is an important meeting.
Eve: Oh, and important meetings require women to go braless?
Bill: No, dresses like that require women to go braless. A monkey could tell you that.

Bill: How's Niko?
Eve: I think he's jealous, which I like but also find annoying.
Bill: Jealous of me? Gosh, what does he think I'm doing here? Skulking to your hotel room and convincing you to take off your bra?

Eve: Have you ever fancied me?
Bill: Uhhh, no.
Eve: Hmm.
Bill: You me?
Eve: No.
Bill: Hmm.
Eve: Well, that's a relief.

Eve: Tell me what happened in Charlottenberg.
Bill: Everything happened.
Eve: Men?
Bill: Yes.
Eve: Were you gay?
Bill: I just fall in love with whoever I fall in love with.
Eve: How many men have you been in love with?
Bill: Hundreds.
Eve: Does Keiko know?
Bill: She's got her own thing going on.
Eve: Wait, so you guys-
Bill: Well, I really wanted a baby and she was rich and ovulating.

Bill: You want to hear something really freaky? The conditions have to be just right, but sometimes we have sex.
Eve: You dirty perverts.

Bill: Have you ever been interested in women?
Eve: Not like that.
Bill: Not even ones with delicate features, sort of catlike eyes that are completely inaccessible?
Eve: That is horribly unprofessional. You want to hear about her tits?

Eve: Why did you want to see me? What do you know?
Jin: Okay, this information might make you uncomfortable. You have a bit of tissue stuck under your armpit.

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S1.E4

Eve: Everyone's going to think I'm the other woman.
Elena: They all think that anyway.

Konstantin: We need to talk. Can we go somewhere with no balloons?

Kenny: It's not good that [Villanelle] knows where you live.
Eve: Yeah, well, don't write your address on your suitcase in case it gets stolen by a psychopath.

Eve: Wow, that is a lot of sausages.

Carolyn: It is disappointing that the mole is the one who looks the most like a rodent.

Carolyn: We're not after blood, Eve. We're after information.

Carolyn: Stay nourished. Get some chops.

Villanelle: Have you checked the sights?
Diego: I shot a Dutch politician with it five days ago and he's definitely dead, so yes.

Diego: Okay, everyone had a pee? There won't be time to later.
Villanelle: I can hold it.
Diego: Okay, but you'll regret it.

Diego: What's going on, guys?
Villanelle: [Nadia] had a wasp on her nose.

Diego: They told me one of you doesn't matter. Don't make me guess.

Kenny: We've had some activity but it's strange. Someone just made a call to Frank's mobile from a landline. I've located him but the mobile's in the same house as the landline that called him.
Eve: What does that mean?
Kenny: Either this equipment is dodgy, which it really isn't, or it's just weird.

Nadia: I am not a pumpkin.

Eve: Frank, are you running or crying?
Frank: Running and crying.

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S1.E5

Frank: What are you doing? Are you insane?
Eve: I'm going to talk to [Villanelle].
Frank: She has been trying to kill me!
Elena: Wake up, Eve! She is an actual assassin!

Elena: Who would spend that much money on that man? He's so excited about his brown sauce, it makes me sick.

Kenny: [Villanelle's] DNA is all over [Eve's suitcase]. Clear match with samples from the other kills. It's just-
Eve: What?
Kenny: She must know she's traceable.
Eve: Either she's stupidly arrogant or she knows she's protected.
Kenny: Or both.
Eve: Oh, gawd. Or both.

Frank: Do you have a moist wipe?

Eve: You can't blame the NHS for this.
Frank: No, I blame the government.

Frank: I just wanted my wife to be okay.
Eve: I think Bill's wife wanted the same for him.

Carolyn: For someone who says they know hardly anything, you seem to know rather a lot.

Eve: Frank said the organization calls themselves The Twelve.
Kenny: Powerful number.
Eve: Is it?
Kenny: Twelve disciples, twelve months of the year, twelve days of Christmas.

Kenny: She killed a guy and did some pretty weird things to him.
Eve: Like what?
Kenny: She, um...
Eve: How would Elena say it?
Kenny: She chopped his knob off.

Eve: "Professional" has two Ss.

Villanelle's official crimes:
1 - Attacked and wounded school friend with a pen, aged 8 (quantity 1)
2 - Grievous bodily harm includinig castration (quantity 4)
3 - Arson (quantity 2)
4 - Murder of an adult man (quantity 1)
5 - Manslaughter of a minor (quantity 1)

Villanelle: I will eat anything.

Villanelle: [Niko] has an excellent mustache.

Eve: I know you're a psychopath.
Villanelle: You should never tell a psychopath, "You're a psychopath." It upsets them.

Villanelle: Can we get one thing clear before we go one with this? Is that a sweater attached to a shirt? Is it two separate pieces? How does it work?

Frank: Are you going to kill me?
Villanelle: Yeah, but first I'm going to use you for sex.

Frank: Please, we can do a deal. I have a lot of money.
Villanelle: So do I.
Frank: I have children.
Villanelle: I don't want your children.
Frank: No, I have two children to take care of.
Villanelle: This will give them something to bond over.

Villanelle: I'm going to kill you nicely. But then I'm going to make a mess of your body afterward so it looks worse than it is.

Eve: [Villanelle] chopped [Frank's] knob off.
Carolyn: Right.

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S1.E6

Konstantin: Your name is Natalia Popova. You're in because you stole some hats.
Villanelle: Wow, I am dangerous.
Konstantin: They were controversial hats.

Villanelle: Why have you never tried to have sex with me?

Elena: Are we calling Villanelle Oksana now?
Eve: It's her real name.

Eve: What could the Twelve want?
Carolyn: Well, it's certainly building up to something. I can feel it in my buttocks.

Carolyn: Thirty seven years in British intelligence and I just can't bring myself to book a good hotel. I rather like the grubby ones.

Eve: I'm sorry I don't like your boyfriends.
Carolyn: I'm sorry you don't like your husband.
Eve: What?
Carolyn: It's alright. You can still love him. For me, it was always the ones that I liked the least that I loved the most. Maybe it was the fact that I loved them that made me dislike them so much. Oh, dear. I'm bordering on profound.

Nadia: She was asking about you.
Villanelle: Who? Was it an Asian woman with amazing hair?

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S1.E7

Carolyn: Nadia has been murdered in prison. The good news is the buffet is open.

Carolyn: Go back to London. Traveling makes you rude.

Villanelle: You smell of cabbage.

Eve: OMIGAWD.
Kenny: I know.
Eve: These [letters] are filthy.
Kenny: I know.
Eve: What's a butterfly bead?
Kenny: I decided not to google that.

Eve: Are you okay with this?
Kenny: About [Carolyn] being dodgy or about her being filthy?
Eve: Both.
Kenny: I'm not entirely surprised by either, to be honest.

Prison guard: I don't like girls.
Villanelle: You haven't tried this one.

Eve: We think [Oksana] had connections with a very dangerous organization and we're trying to work out why they would have chosen her to help get insight into them.
Anna: Well, she was a punctual student. She was very good at languages. She liked attention, and she castrated and murdered my husband. Would they have liked that?
Eve: Possibly.

Villanelle: Why would [the Twelve] want me in prison? I'm amazing.
Konstantin: Do you know how many times I had to argue to give you another chance?
Villanelle: More or less than five?
Konstantin: More.
Villanelle: More or less than ten?

Villanelle: You hit me with a log!

Eve: You can say todger but you can't say sex?
Kenny: I know, but todger sounds sweet.
Eve: Really?
Kenny: But the other's too real.
Eve: Penis?
Kenny: Yeah.

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S1.E8

Villanelle: SHUT UP! Or I'll blow your tiny head to pieces!
Irina: My dad is going to kill you in the face!
Villanelle: No, I'm going to kill your dad in the face.
Irina: No! Why?
Villanelle: Because he's an asshole.
Irina: You can't say shit about my dad!
Villanelle: I can!
Irina: You can't!
Villanelle: WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?
Irina: I will kill you!
Villanelle: I will kill you!
Irina: You re going to die!
Villanelle: What will make you stop shouting?
Irina: Food!
Villanelle: What?
Irina: I'm hungry.
Villanelle: Oh. Okay.

Villanelle: Stick out your thumb. Look vulnerable.
I AM vulnerable.

Eve: Gawd, it make me rage how efficient things are when you're a dick to people.

Kenny: Can we at least knock once in case she's naked or something?

Eve: Why is [Konstantin] in here?
Carolyn: Business.
Eve: Oh, so he sells hairdryers now?

Irina: Are you a bad person?
Villanelle: Yup.
Irina: Have you kidnapped me?
Villanelle: Yup.
Irina: Are you a pedophile?
Villanelle: No.
Irina: Okay, good. Why don't you speak Russian?
Villanelle: I don't like it.

Irina: Is my dad bad?
Villanelle: Yes, he is the worst. Are you?
Irina: I don't know yet. Is it hard to be bad?
Villanelle: Not if you practice.

Konstantin: I need to find my daughter. She's going to drive that woman crazy.
Kenny: Is she really annoying?
Konstantin: She's so annoying. She's amazing but so annoying.

Eve: I'm not going to shake your hand.
Konstantin: Don't be proud.
Eve: I'm not. I'm hygienic.

Villanelle: [Irina] is really annoying.
Konstantin: I know.
Villanelle: I like her.
Konstantin: Me too.

Eve: I have lost two jobs, a husband, and a best friend because of you.
Villanelle: Yeah, but you got some really nice clothes out of it.

Eve: I think about you all the time. I think about what you're wearing and what you're doing and who you're doing it with. I think about what friends you have. I think about what you eat before you work and what shampoo you use and what happened in your family. I think about your eyes and your mouth and what you feel when you kill someone. I think about what you had for breakfast. I just want to know everything.
Villanelle: I think about you too. I mean, I masturbate about you a lot.
Eve: Okay, that's-
Villanelle: Too much?
Eve: No, that's just - I wasn't expecting that.
Villanelle: So you trashed my apartment because you like me so much?
Eve: I know it's not conventional.

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2.1

Villanelle: You are really good at stealing. You should do it more.
Gabriel: Funny.
Villanelle: Yes, I am funny.

Carolyn: My father used to come to this park all the time, to the men's bathing ponds just over there. Very popular in the 50s with spies. Ideal place for a sensitive conversation. And to have sex with boys, of course, which would have been an added bonus for daddy.

Caroline: Don't apologize. It's a waste of my time and yours.

Carolyn: What's [Villanelle's] flat like?
Eve: Chic as shit.

Julia: Forgive the smell. He has been the tiniest bit exhumed.
Eve: Can I sit down?
Julia: Can I get you something? Water? Whiskey?
Eve: A burger?
Julia: That's the formaldehyde. The smell of the bodies makes you crave meat.

Eve: [Alistair Peele] was a recluse, right?
Carolyn: Reclusive. Anti-social, let's say.

Eve: I need to go home.
Carolyn: Home? Is that what you really want? What to people do at home?

Niko: Are you going to tell me what's going on? Please?
Eve: I bought a shit ton of really expensive windows.

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S2.E2

Eve: I picked up my phone the other day to text [Bill]. I'm sorry. Let's not talk about this.
Nico: No, it's okay. This is how it works. We have to talk.
Eve: Gross.

Eve: Be careful.
Nico: What do you mean?
Eve: If you see something strange, be careful.
Nico: What a touchingly reassuring goodbye.

Eve: How do you always look so good? Do you ever sleep?
Carolyn: It's my moisturizer. It's made of pig's placenta. Costs a fortune and smells like arse but it is exceedingly effective.
Eve: I don't mind smelling like arse.

Carolyn: Now that Villanelle is part of the Peele investigation, I thought it might be useful to keep some of the Trafalgar team intact.
Eve: So will Elena be-
Carolyn: Elena felt the job was no longer for her.
Kenny: She was worried about getting murdered.

Jess: Welcome to Operation Mandalay. This is Hugo - dog's body and Cambridge posh boy. Apologies for him in advance.
Huge: Oxford, actually. Jess pretends not to remember to hurt my feelings. She's very undermining.

Julian: Can I get you anything?
Villanelle: Do you have any cake?
Julian: Oh. No. But I could get you some.
Villanelle: Honestly, you've done enough. Lemon drizzle.

Hugo: Are you [and Kenny] having an affair?
Eve: Yeah.

Eve: I found her. I found Villanelle.
Kenny: What? Where is she?
Eve: Kenny, I stabbed her.
Kenny: What? WHAT?
Eve: Shhh!
Kenny: Omigawd. Eve! Is she dead?
Eve: I don't know. She disappeared.
Kenny: Oh. This is really bad.
Eve: I know.
Kenny: Does mom know?
Eve: Do you think I should tell her?
Kenny: No! No. You're withholding information on an investigation that you're working on.
Eve: Well, on the bright side, now you are too.

Eve: [Villanelle] shot Konstantin in a tea room full of people.
Jess: She's sloppy?
Eve: No, not usually. She's flamboyant and attention seeking and instinctive, spoilt, easily bored...but no, she's not sloppy.

Eve: Bill Pargrave. [Villanelle] stabbed him to death on a nightlub dance floor. If anyone says, "It's murder on the dance floor," I will throw them out the window.

Eve: What do you know about psychopaths?
Hugo: I went to boarding school.

Amber: You said there was something about dad.
Carolyn: Yes, we've come with rather difficult news.
Aaron: What? Has he died again?

Carolyn: Stop it, Eve. I can feel your excitement. Don't get all giddy and start singing along to the radio in my car.

Julian: What are you looking for?
Villanelle: A kitchen knife.
Julian: What for?
Villanelle: To stab you with.

Eve: We're working on the assumption that this is a woman, late to middle age, looks like an immigrant worker, so she's not white-
Hugo: What makes you think that?
Eve: The fact that you just interrupted me mid-sentence makes me think that.

Villanelle: I've had a really shitty couple of days and I really, really need to go to a doctor. What I don't need is a boring stranger in a Volvo giving me a lesson in how to use the phone!

 

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S2.E3

Konstantin: You think [Villanelle] loves you? Then make her hate you. Hate is something she understands. It's manageable. Look at what happens to the peope she loves. She loves you to death. Look at Anna, Nadia, and look at me.

Villanelle: It's my dad's fiftieth birthday. I want to get him something special. I've been saving up. This [tie] is perfect. Where's it from?
Greg Richardson: Hermès.
Villanelle: No, it's not. It's a fake.

Nico: What's happening?
Eve: I made you breakfast.
Nico: What did you do? Did you murder someone?
Eve: No! I just thought it would be nice.
Nico: Thank you. I'm sorry. This looks delicious. What is it?
Eve: An omelette.
Nico: If you wanted to show your devotion, you could just do the easy thing.
Eve: No, I gotta go to work. Later, I promise.
Nico: I'll just masturbate onto this omelette then, I guess.
Eve: Okay! Love you!

Villanelle: Guess how many semen stains are on the bed? Seven - not including the one on the pillow.

Jemma: We were starting to tease Nico about his imaginary wife.
Nico: She's an astronaut.
Jemma: Like an astronaut Playboy model.
Eve: She sounds better than your actual wife.
Nico: Oh, she is.

Villanelle: Do you think [Nico] likes you too?
Jemma: Dunno. Sometimes, maybe.
Villanelle: Maybe? He just needs a little push. Squirt your perfume in his room so it always smells like you. Flatter him. Make him doubt hs wife.
Jemma: Sounds a bit manipulative.
Villanelle: It is. That's why it works. Or you can do nothing and die alone. Do you have cats?
Jemma: I have a cat, yes.
Villanelle: Yeah, maybe you should just get another one.

Eve: Omigawd, Pythagoras - he's the sexiest.
Nico: I'm more of a Newton man myself. You could run your fingers through that hair all day.

Villanelle: This is a terrible hug.
Konstantin: Then maybe you shouldn't have shot me.
Villanelle: You're not still mad about that? I aimed to make sure I didn't kill you.
Konstantin: No, you didn't. You aimed at my heart.
Villanelle: Yeah, I did. Nice and clean, just like you taught me. I'm sorry.

Konstantin: You know how Raymond gets paid?
Villanelle: Ugly jackets?

Carolyn: I don't normally get angry, Eve. It just makes me sleepy so you'll just have to imagine that I sound rather angry when I saw this - never ever go behind my back again, ever. You are ny no means the only person I work with but you take up a disproportionate amount of my time, and my time is very valuable to me. I have hobbies.

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S2.E4

Helen: Jesus H. Christ, Carolyn! If I wanted to get screwed until my asshole bled, I'd go to Torture Garden on a Friday night and ask for the full shitting English!

Hugo: She just won't shut up about being vegan!
Jess: If you don't actually like her, then don't go out with her.
Hugo: Well, I like her body. I just don't like her.

Hugo: Is Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box here somewhere?

Jess: Hugo, put that Oxford degree you never talk about to good use.

Villanelle: What's with the shirt? Seriously, do not go shopping on your own again.

Villanelle: This is so BORING!

Jess: What really annoys me is that these teenagers probably make ten times our salary. They sit around on beanbags talking about which Dr. Who companion they'd most like to spaff off to.
Eve: Rose Tyler. Come on, she's adorable.

Girl: Wow, you look amazing! Can I take a picture of you for my Instagram?
Villanelle: No, of course not. Don't be pathetic.

Jess: It's one thing getting murdered, but the indignity of being found in the middle of bleaching your mustache.

Carolyn: Jess, I'd like you to come to Amsterdam.
Jess: Amazing! Oh, I forgot I was pregnant.

Eve: An inhalational anesthetic put in a cream that goes under your nose. Wow, that is smart. And thoughtful. She wanted it to be painless. What kind of assassin is that?
Hugo: A nice one?

Hugo: This is taking ages.
Danny: It's a computer. It's not magic.

Hugo: You know, I once got a hand job in here, under this very table.
Eve: That is so romantic.
Hugo: It really was, actually.
Eve: Do you ever not talk about sex?
Hugo: Why would I? What else is there?

Eve: Oh! This is amazing!
Hugo: I told you.
Eve: What do they put in it?
Hugo: I don't know. Crack. Orphans.
Eve: I don't care if that's the truth. If it tastes this good, grind up an orphan and fry it in crack.

Hugo: I wanted this job for exactly the same reason as you did.
Eve: And what reason is that?
Hugo: I didn't want to die of boredom.

Hugo: Do you like watching [Villanelle] or do you like being watched?
Eve: Both.

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S2.E5

Jess: What do you think [Charles is] saying?
Eve: "I can't satisfy my wife in bed!"
Jess: "Have you seen Mad Men? It's a masterpiece!"
Eve: Yeah, yelling's not going to work. I wish she were a bit more-
Jess: Forthcoming?
Eve: Fun. She kills people for a living. You'd think she works in accounts.
Jess: Not everyone can be as exciting as you know who. I think you've been spoiled, Eve. Ow!
Eve: What happened?
Jess: My tooth. Did you know that babies literally steal the calcium from your teeth? Little bastard's eating me alive.

Jess: I think Charles may have lost his touch in Afghanistan - as well as his leg.

Eve: It's unusual, isn't it? To be a woman in your line of work.
Jin: Not so much anymore.
Eve: Oh, so do you know of others?
Jin: Yeah, we have a book club.

Konstantin: What are you doing?
Villanelle: You told me to get a hobby.

Villanelle: Did you see his number plate? I'd have killed him for free.

Eve: Freelance?
Jess: It makes sense - Villanelle's skills, Konstantin's contacts. They'll be making a killing, so to speak.
Eve: So Amsterdam was a private contract. She must be bored. I'll bet she liked the cache of international politics. Gun for hire? That's a little basic bitch for her.

Villanelle: No, no, no.
Konstantin: Calm down.
Villanelle: I'm not [killing Eve]. Who ordered this?
Konstantin: I have no idea.
Villanelle: Well, tell them no.
Konstantin: This is a little hurtful. You were pretty happy to shoot me.
Villanelle: When are you going to get over that?

Martin: Psychopaths. Ignore the Aston Martin. Can't delete it. Psychopaths are incapable of interpersonal human relationships, the I-you. For the psychopath, there is only I-it. Other people are just objects to them to be picked up and put down at will. Superficial charm, dishonesty, an inability to form intimate lasting relationships, a poverty of emotion. Psychopaths are narcissistic. They're pathologically manipulative, however, they do respond to a certain amount of manipulation. You can't change them, but you can manage them. Money, praise, and attention will help for a while, but honestly there's no containing anyone like this for any length of time.
Eve: But it would be possible for a short amount of time in theory?
Martin: I don't know really. Yeah?
Eve: Aren't you the expert on psychopaths?
Martin: Yes, I am so I know and what I'm saying is we don't know. When you think of a psychopath, you tend to think of a regular person and you add certain negative traits like your violence, your narcissism, your sadism. That's a mistake. Don't add. Take away. Everything that makes us human, just take it all away. They're like facsimiles, copycats. You might as well try to understand a wasp or a stapler or a hole punch or a telephone.

Niko: I've got to go to Oxford tomorrow. Another teacher got sick and they need a chaperone for some spelling bee.
Eve: Wow.
Niko: I know. High octane stuff, huh?

Eve: Did you order extra lime pickle?
Niko: Of course. I'm not an asshole.

Carolyn: Your trousers are rather tight these days.
Martin: We can't wear belts in Broadmoor.
Carolyn: Ahh. I thought it was a cry for help.

Carolyn: How did [Eve] do?
Martin: It depends. With your criteria and my terrible presentation designed to lull subjects into the sense of slightly soporific superiority, then we come to this section. Eve was the only one who didn't instinctively look away.
Carolyn: Good for her.

Carolyn: I always worry about being crushed under all of these [books]. They don't seem stable, do they? Imagine, like the witch in the Wizard of Oz, just two little shoes poking out.

Eve: Hey, you want to go upstairs?
Niko: Right now?
Eve: Yeah.
Niko: I've just eaten a kilo of madras. What am I saying? Yes!

Eve: Last minute spelling bee in Oxford - how did you manage that?
Carolyn: I was the British spelling champion in 1973. It's a very supportive network. Sisyphean. That was the word I won with.

Hugo: You ready to take your top off?
Carolyn: I'll leave you to it.
Eve: Well, this [bulletproof vest] is flattering.
Hugo: I think it looks sexy.
Eve: Shocker.

Eve: Can I take your veil?

Villanelle: You look like someone stuck a mustache on some fudge.

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S2.E6

John: Oh, gawd. [Carolyn] hasn't got married again, has she?

Carolyn: I can't stand breakfast. It's just constant eggs. Why? Who decided?

Carolyn: My brother used to jam his hamsters into an old loo roll, prod them through with a toothbrush to see how many he could do in a minute.
Eve: How many could he?
Carolyn: Three.

Hugo: Getting someone close to Peel's about as easy as getting a sex offender into a convent.
Jess: So quite easy then.

Hugo: [Peel] doesn't have any friends. He's never had a girlfriend or boyfriend or anatomically correct sex robot.

Konstantin: Have you come here to yell at me?
Eve: For selling me out and skipping town with Villanelle? No, not at all. I've forgotten all about it. It's totally fine.
Konstantin: You're not yelling, but it feels like you're yelling.

Jess: We want to make you and Villanelle an offer - which doesn't involve killing someone.
Konstantin: Hmm.

Villanelle: You want me NOT to kill someone. You do know what I do, right?
Eve: This is harder. A challenge.
Villanelle: I don't like to be challenged.
Eve: Do you want me to ask someone else?
Villanelle: Noooooo!

Eve: Give [Billie] a job. Know what? No. No job. A couple of vanity degrees. Something wishy washy.
Hugo: Philosophy, history of art.
Eve: Great.
Jess: Throw in a couple of DUIs, and don't make it too clean.
Eve: Smart.
Hugo: One rich insta-hottie coming up.

Villanelle: Do I get a watch with a laser in it?
Quartermaster: I've been doing this job seventeen years. You know how often these jokes get made?
Villanelle: A lot.
Quartermaster: Never. Field agents approach their work with the solemnity it warrants.

Jess: You okay, mate? Niko stuff?
Eve: It'll pass. He'll come around.
Jess: Nothing a BJ and a compliment won't fix in my experience.
Villanelle: I don't think a BJ will help. He's too nice. He's too normal for you. You know that.
Eve: Stop it.
Villanelle: Why?
Eve: Because you will never understand how much harder it is to be nice and normal and decent than it is to be like you.
Villanelle: Like us, you mean.

Villanelle: Don't speak to me like that, Eve. I like you, but I don't like you that much. Don't forget - the only thing that makes you interesting is me.

Villanelle: Most of the time I feel nothing. I don't feel anything. It is so boring. I wake up and I think, "Again, really? I have to do this again?" And what I really don't understand is how come everybody else isn't screaming with boredom too. I try to find ways of making myself feel something. More and more and more but it doesn't make any difference. No matter what i do, I don't feel anything. I hurt myself. It doesn't hurt. I buy what I want. I don't want it. I do what I like. I don't like it. I'm just so bored.

Konstantin: Who are you texting?
Villanelle: Eve.
Konstantin: Why?
Villanelle: She might be lonely.
Villanelle's text: 🚛😵👻👍🏻

Villanelle: Ugh, it's Amber. "Hey, you free Thursday? Want to come for family sups?" Why do rich people talk like children?

Eve: I hope you like the missionary position.
Gemma: I do actually.

Aaron: A failed intern. How inspirational.
Villanelle as Billie: I couldn't do a job like yours, running a huge company. No wonder you're selling it.
Aaron: How did you know I was selling it?
Villanelle as Billie: I read an article.
Aaron: In the Economist. Interested in business are you? No offense, but you don't seem the type.
Villanelle as Billie: It was on the magazine pile at the waxing salon.

Aaron: Lost?
Villanelle as Billie: No. Obviously not. I'm being nosy.

Aaron: You ask a lot of questions. You seem to have the mind of a five year old.

Villanelle: What is in that?
Kebab guy: Lamb mainly.
Villanelle: Mainly?
Kebab guy: Yeah.
Villanelle: But you can put any meat in there?
Kebab guy: I guess so, yeah. People will eat anything if you cut it thin enough and put hot sauce on it.

 

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S2.E7

Villanelle: Do you want to talk about it?
Eve: I really don't.
Villanelle: You'll feel better if you do. Honesty is the best policy.
Eve: Two AA meetings and suddenly you're the expert on honesty?
Villanelle: Yeah.
Eve: You know those things you said in the meeting?
Villanelle: Which parts?
Eve: You said you don't want anything, you don't like anything, that you're bored. Do you mean it?
Villanelle: I don't know.
Eve: You don't know if you're telling the truth or not?
Villanelle: Not really.

Girl: Thank you. For the...
Villanelle: The sex?
Girl: Yeah.
Villanelle: You're welcome.

Carolyn: Let Villanelle know the safeword is "gentleman." We're running out of good safewords.

Villanelle: Always close the curtains. You never know what kind of pervert could be outside.

Carolyn: I hate to be strict but [Villanelle] really mustn't kill anyone.

Aaron: Which flavor?
Villanelle: Mmm, orange.
Aaron: I told them to get rid of the orange ones.
Villanelle: I like orange chocolate.
Aaron: It's disgusting.

Villanelle: Do you ever get lonely?
Aaron: Never. I'm with people all the time. I know things about them even their closest friends don't know.
Villanelle: You don't want to talk to them? Touch them? Sleep with them?
Aaron: Gawd, no. Do you?
Villanelle: Yeah, I do. All the time.

Hugo: Do you think we need to call Carolyn?
Eve: No, [Villanelle]'s handling it.
Hugo: I'm not worried about her. I'm worried about us.

Hugo: Don't watch me while I"m changing. I know what you're like.

Hugo: Thanks for the threesome.

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S2.E8

Hugo: I got you a coffee, Mrs. Robinson.
Eve: Just call Jess and let her know how we're doing.
Hugo: How much detail would you like me to go into?

Eve: Omigawd, you're alive!
Hugo: I played dead. A hero's technique.
Eve: Villanelle used the safe word.
Hugo: It's a bit late for that.

Villanelle: What a dick.

Eve: You are such an asshole.
Villanelle: It's not my fault you're dressed as a maid. You look cute, by the way.

Villanelle: If I get shot, I want you to remember that it is your fault. For my funeral, make sure they choose a flattering photo, not a mugshot with a bandana.
Eve: Flattering funeral photo. Got it.

Eve: You wanted [Aaron] dead. You sent us here to kill him.
Carolyn: On the contrary. I told you both repeatedly and strenuously not to kill him. But it's hardly our fault if an assassin for the Twelve murdered Aaron Peele.

Villanelle: You are the worst. How long have you been standing there? You're such a drama queen.

Villanelle: I bet your kids are ugly.
Raymond: They are.

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