S04.E05: Our Lips Are Sealed

[mamadrama]

Varya needs to take this moment and run to a friend's house until Geoffrey returns to the US. I'm sorry that he saw where she lives and now knows how to get there. Go, Varya, go! She's lucky she had a  camera crew following her around during all this. 

I can't believe we got someone on here who makes Angela look good (and Angela looks terrible). Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. WTF wants to watch a young "celebrity" frolicking with his grandmother in a much video? She's beyond delusional.

I still don't buy the women as being a couple. Erika may be gay, and Stephanie may even be bi, but I don't think they're "together." I see this as something created to get them both on the show. That's why Stephanie is already laying down the groundwork for no sex. 

Looking at Ash literally makes my eyes water. 

I don't see anything wrong with Big Ed asking for a STD test. What I DO have a problem with is the way he presented it and his refusal to get one there himself. Why should she trust HIM? 

[InternetToughGuy]

The week since the last episode has passed by quickly, mainly because I measure the passage of time in amount of showers I've had and interactions with another human being - in the last week, one of those was very low and the other was zero. Feel free to guess which is which. Each post seems to get harder to write, since I can only draw attention to my lack of height and career so many times before it becomes redundant. I may have to become comically obese just to liven things up.

***

I don’t know how old I thought Ash was, but with the amount of my former classmates who started balding at age 17, I am impressed. Them filming the aftermath of sex is a bit disturbing, though I’m guessing the encounter was unedited and I just blinked and missed Ash’s whole performance. Avery is a virgin. I must create delusions to keep going on.

Every sex scene in TV shows and movies having them wearing clothes is irritating; it’s not like anyone under 40 watches this show, so why censor it to that degree. Since Ash sees spending his life with Avery, perhaps he is attuned to receiving visions from the future, which explains his enlarged pupils. If only Avery could smoke weed as an activity and not make it into a personality trait; then again if there are any hallucinogens she could take that would make me appear as average height, I will join a hippie ashram as soon as possible.

***

Ed not wanting to get off on the wrong foot with Rose may suggest she is more comfortable with stimulating him with anything other than her hands. I don’t know if it’s the Philippines weather that is causing Ed to sweat, since I’d consider Rose to be a miniature sun - Ed may want to downgrade to an overweight 45 year old woman if he wants the temperature to plummet, though I am known to heavily perspire when exchanging eye contact with anyone who looks even remotely female.

Rose saying “it’s you only” to Ed implies her son was a virgin birth - *sniff what a miracle. I admire Ed’s persistence in regards to Rose’s past, since I don a yellow hardhat to unearth all of a woman’s former relationships just so I have material to use as an excuse to curl up in a ball and cry in a vicious cycle of extreme patheticness.

***

Does the clockwise motion of Lisa’s gut jiggling while riding Usman cause him motion sickness? I guess the feeling of his pelvis being crushed by such a large mass must take his mind off of it. Damn, that rap concert is going to be a disaster. Can you imagine 50 Cent bringing a fat woman older than his Mother on stage to make out? All street credibility would be instantly tarnished.

I was expecting that cosmetics store to be an attempt to make Lisa look more palatable, though she’d need something more like a firehose of foundation - I don’t know many makeup terms other than the products I used for my humiliating crossdressing videos I made on my blurry webcam - long story short, they were discovered and I've been blacklisted from all family get togethers.

Usman’s friend laughing may be the most genuine moment captured on this show so far. The friend calling her queen of queens is accurate, since most people would guess she was 50+ years older than Elizabeth II.

***

I know I use the term “low testosterone” a lot, but that seems to be the only logical explanation for why David looks that wimpy. Then again I doubt there are that many rugged bodybuilders with deep voices who send mass amounts of money to women online. That ring salesman better recite the “no refund” policy after hearing David’s stupid tale.

David says he’s been “in gauge” a few times, which is equaled to him giving marriage a shot. My smile of him saying he hasn’t been intimate in a long time faded when he clarified it had been an underwhelming 10 years. I have a retro jukebox filled with audios of porn videos that I play throughout the day to cope with the loneliness.

It’s stupid, but I seriously do wonder why men who are so socially r*******/weak get alloted a height of 6 feet or more, since they act the complete opposite of threatening. You’d think with how convincingly buff I come off in text, I’d have been gifted an extra half inch to avoid being referred to as the toddler with a mustache.

***

It’s tempting to refer to Stephanie as “Tits” from now on, because they may be the only thing that keep me from karate kicking the TV in annoyance at everything she says and does. “Even something as minor as a cold can land me in the hospital” - a phrase that perfectly sums up the recent events, although that didn’t stop me from spending $200 in a frantic bidding war for the store's last can of Campbell’s Chunky soup.

Erika is even more annoying than Stephanie - Ed doing some suggestive dancing in a cleavage heavy Tooth Fairy costume would bring much needed relief to hearing these 2 idiots talk. I’m sure with the rainbow hair and ugly doodles littering her body, her parents probably assumed she was a polysexual demiqueen or some other made up term and definition that due to neuroses is ever in flux.

***

Yolanda is so stupid, it’s painful to listen to. “He’s in the dark with me” - we can see you’re both black, no need for the metaphors. It seems more believable that there are more Davids in the world that could’ve been cast for this show; are people really as dumb as Yolanda? If a Primetimer user messages me and even claims to be female, I guess we’ll see just how fast my bank account can go to zero (it’s already close enough to empty without anyone interfering, though).

***

The sun exists in Russia? Here in Canada, it becomes the stuff of legend for half the year. For all the people who somehow interpret Geoffrey showing any emotion other than acquiescence means he wants to punch a hole in the wall and scream at Varya, the only emotion I feel is apathy. I think Varya is boring as hell.

At least if this segment of him being picky about words is unscripted, it makes for a more interesting episode. Geoffrey is showing some brain power about this whole green card situation - where was that logical thinking when getting all those shitty tattoos? Of course with the very real threat of him knocking me out with a single punch, I’d be shouting encouragement at how dope those suns around his nipples look. I’m going to try and soothe my shattered spirits and couch potato body that that footage of Geoffrey pedaling that bike was sped up 64x.

***

I’d like to thank David for dispelling the idea that you need to be tall and muscular to look manly; rather just have David as your wingman and you could look like the most macho guy in the room. I wonder if there would be any sparks or fire between me and Anya, since I would be extremely committed to friction via rubbing my stick. David’s delusion is something of pure comedy - “we must get this Visa process done” as if anything is going to happen. Maybe at least he can take a before and after weight loss picture after every pocket on his shirt and pants are emptied out he’ll look a lot lighter.

***

Lisa being around Abba is awkward, since she’s the furthest thing from a dancing queen, since her in motion would be like 300 pounds of shimmying Jello. The concept of the song was that Lisa was 7000 miles away from him - no wonder he sounded so happy in the music video.

I really hope Usman’s hookah isn’t connected to the smoke being blown up Lisa’s ass. I don’t recall Usman actually proposing with a ring or whatever. Lisa barking hostile commands makes her really sound like a fellow rapper. I don't think Usman’s comments about proper female behavior will jive well with the western belief system that women are beyond reproach. I assure you that my remarks of women 200 pounds overweight still being so stunning that they make my heart skip a beat are genuine.

***

The true mark of a cool city is how people pay thousands of dollars a month to live in an apartment the size of a cardboard box. I think Ash’s brother’s willingness to ease up on the hair gel alone makes him more attractive, unless Ash’s hair is just following the command of shock/horror from his eyes.

With the size of those pupils, you’d think Ash needs to constantly quell his fear of being on camera by licking a toad every few minutes. Avery’s had a few relationships before? Not like anyone would know, but it was here where I fell apart and had to cry it out for 30 minutes before resuming the show. Avery saying they’ve had their ups and downs has to be one of the slier ways of saying they’ve had sex.

***

I don’t know if it’s just me, but Rose’s English seems to be getting harder to understand. Perhaps she is getting intoxicated due to being surrounded by Ed’s strong musk. This conversation is so awkward, damn. It’s an unrelated example, but it’s funny when the women who brag about banging entire football teams are in shock when someone asks them if they have any diseases. I wonder if from Rose’s perspective, Ed is wearing a motion capture suit and she’s seeing an animated wallet opening and closing its’ bill fold when he talks.

Since a preview just aired for My Big Fat Fabulous Life of a pathetic guy proposing to what looks like a mountain of Greek yogurt, David may have some long lost relatives. At least David’s delusion looks attractive, so he may be better off.

Why should Ed consider her as his girlfriend since they haven’t shown any affection at all? Does the world’s drunkest man need to subtitle her extremely slurred English? At least a man that inebriated would have access to a respectable job, although he may not remember doing it. Ed is a pest who is pissed about her past and wants a pap post haste. Can anyone here who is married or has spoken to a woman in the last 5 years tell me if relationships are always this angry?

***

Erika looks like a full page comic panel - just the sight of her annoys me. Them saying “Oh my God” makes me ponder throwing away my rosary beads, since any God who would create those two as they are may not be able to be trusted. How many people have mistakenly drove an ice cream scoop into Erika’s head? Since I’m imagining the two of them have a combined 500 person body count, I’d imagine their dopamine receptors are so fried that holding hands doesn’t do anything for them. With Stephanie there as well, no doubt Australia’s collective IQ weeps.

***

It’s rare someone who talks a big game online isn’t just pretending they have giant muscles, which is why Geoffrey’s appearance is so startling; in fact I recently snapped my brittle arm trying to open the pickle jar - I’m painfully pathetic. You have to wonder if there is a translator off screen or if Geoffrey is chugging from a pitcher of vodka so that Russian naturally flows out of his mouth.

This whole situation is really annoying. Varya hiding the thing about another American and organizing this interrogation solidifies her as shit. Her friends consoling her after her being idiotic is hilariously r*******. Hopefully the next episode doesn’t show him re-entering the restaurant prostrating himself begging for forgiveness.

///

Usman’s segments are by far the most entertaining; the rest of them are just various shades of embarrassing. I forgot about Darcey’s existence; hopefully she can learn new relationship behaviors - you know what they say about how plastic the brain is, especially Darcey’s. Having to wait a whole week to see Usman’s concert is a real pain in the ass, much like how Usman feels in the morning after a night of sexual torment.

 

Edited March 23, 2020 by InternetToughGuy

[Callaphera]

1 hour ago, Racj82 said:

She was literally dressed like a rainbow from head to toe at one point. I think that's where her being obviously some for of lesbian jokes are coming. Obviously you can dress in a lot of colors and be straight. She just seems to be doing a very big LOOK AT ME about it all.

I didn't misunderstand the joke - I just didn't think it was funny. My point is that you can't identify someone's sexual orientation by how they look, that's all. 

Now if you said Erika was dressed like a clown with those rainbow pants on, that I could get behind and call funny. 

Edited March 23, 2020 by Callaphera

[Temperance]

I don't care about Ed's height. It's the age difference that seems like a bigger obstacle. Also the fact that Ed seems less interested in Rose's culture is a red flag to me. And then there's the fact she wants more kids and he doesn't (allegedly). 

The lesbians are cute. The one who's "bi"  seems like she's attracted to women, but may not have acted on it before, even in passing.

Ash should have made Avery wait longer rather than getting swept away with her charm.

Geoff continues to remind me of Jim Bob Duggar. The voice, the eyes, and that he makes his money as property owner. 

[Kangatush]

38 minutes ago, Callaphera said:

I didn't misunderstand the joke - I just didn't think it was funny. My point is that you can't identify someone's sexual orientation by how they look, that's all. 

Now if you said Erika was dressed like a clown with those rainbow pants on, that I could get behind and call funny. 

I wasn't making a joke, just a statement.  And yes, sometimes you can accurately judge a book by a cover.  Sometimes you can't.  If we get the scene of Erika coming out to her family, and they are genuinely surprised, I'll apologize.  But I don't think it will happen.

[Callaphera]

7 minutes ago, Kangatush said:

I wasn't making a joke, just a statement.  And yes, sometimes you can accurately judge a book by a cover.  Sometimes you can't.  If we get the scene of Erika coming out to her family, and they are genuinely surprised, I'll apologize.  But I don't think it will happen.

I was responding to the person I quoted who called it a joke - that's how your initial comment came across to me with the "strictly dickly" bit as well as all the funny reactions it gathered. 

Whether it was a joke or not, all I'm saying is that I disagree with what you said. I'm not accusing you of anything or trying to insinuate anything and I understand you want to clear up what you perceive to be a misunderstanding but I don't think there is a misunderstanding, just a differing of opinion. We both said our bit, I'm good with it if you're good with it, we both move on to making fun of Ash's super prominent eyeballs and Avery's stankface at dinner. 

'Cause seriously, I think those things are gonna pop out of Ash's head and go rolling down the sidewalk someday soon if he isn't careful. 

[silversage]

If getting checked for a STD is so important to some then why can't they agree to get it done before they meet. That way they could make a decision about meeting in person before they spend hoards of money and traveling.

[cynicat]

On 3/21/2020 at 8:57 AM, humbleopinion said:

She is more territorial over her fiancé than the “ugly American” being hinted in her story edit....

I don't take the edit as her being an "ugly American"  I see it (and I'm not convinced it's an edit) as exactly what you said: she's being insanely territorial and doesn't want ANYONE to have Usman's attention, be it friend, fan or associate.  I'm waiting for her to pee on him to mark him as hers.

[nb360]

I want to see Lisa meeting Usman’s mother and then stomping off in a huff when someone finally tells her off in a language she understands. Notice how all of the people she storms away from are men? What happens when Lisa meets a Nigerian woman who is around her age? What kind of insecurities will be unleashed?

[Zevious Zoquis]

"This guy was the most disrespectful Nigerian I have ever met." hahaha...Lisa is just the definition of the word idiot.  what a stupid human being.

[Kangatush]

2 hours ago, Callaphera said:

I was responding to the person I quoted who called it a joke - that's how your initial comment came across to me with the "strictly dickly" bit as well as all the funny reactions it gathered. 

Whether it was a joke or not, all I'm saying is that I disagree with what you said. I'm not accusing you of anything or trying to insinuate anything and I understand you want to clear up what you perceive to be a misunderstanding but I don't think there is a misunderstanding, just a differing of opinion. We both said our bit, I'm good with it if you're good with it, we both move on to making fun of Ash's super prominent eyeballs and Avery's stankface at dinner. 

'Cause seriously, I think those things are gonna pop out of Ash's head and go rolling down the sidewalk someday soon if he isn't careful. 

I'm with you.  Maybe he's keeping them in place with extra hair gel.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, StitchPunk said:

Most of these people are very unlikable.

I still like Darcy.

[renatae]

On 3/19/2020 at 5:06 PM, Squee Bastard said:

Nada, zip, zero, zilch

Lisa's attributes:

Looks - ah, um, oops. Nada

Personality - waspish, overbearing, intemperate, easily offended, delusional, uninformed. Zip

Bank account - unknown but likely little more than Zero.

Intelligence - clueless, impetuous, without self-awareness. Zilch

Edited March 23, 2020 by renatae

[iwasish]

20 hours ago, mamadrama said:

I think so, too. In this day and age it makes sense to protect yourself. As long as he takes one as well, I have no issue with it.

He should have taken one here before he left and shown her the results. Then he could have asked her to do the same. 

[Kyanight]

6 hours ago, Adeejay said:

I’ll see your George Clooney and raise you a Patrick Dempsey, Jon Hamm and Kyle Chandler. 

It breaks my heart to see a lovely 23 year old woman, crying over a neck less 54 year old man, who isn’t even tall enough to ride a roller coaster.

Such a good post.  You just need to add greasy, selfish, doesn't bathe.

6 hours ago, Dobian said:

He didn’t say it but I suspect it’s because he doesn’t trust the clinics there to use clean needles. In which case, why are you making Rose do it?  He never should have demanded she do that unless he was willing to get tested himself.

Right?  That doesn't exactly scream love and concern for another human being.  It actually suggests selfishness, to me.  "I want what I want and I am going to get it or I am going to take my ball and go home!"

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

On 3/20/2020 at 11:57 PM, Kangatush said:

Dear Lisa, you still haven't met any celebrities.

That knowing "Ah" when Lisa tells her friends she's dating SojaBoy is people thinking she's claiming to date Soulja Boy, who I understand is a legitimately famous rapper.

On 3/20/2020 at 7:33 PM, RealReality said:

So...by Lisa's logic, Usman should make his money off the adoration of female friends...but he should be rude and dismissive of these same female fans. 

I talk to a lot of women as part of my job (Tech Support) and my wife talks to a lot of guys as part of hers (Sales). If each of us got jealous any time the other talked to someone of the opposite gender...

20 hours ago, mamadrama said:

I think so, too. In this day and age it makes sense to protect yourself. As long as he takes one as well, I have no issue with it.

The issue is demanding SHE take one, then making stupid excuses for why HE won't do the same.

11 hours ago, Kyanight said:

Why should she believe HE has lived a clean life when he doesn't trust her?  Trust is a two-way street.

And let us not forget: HE LIED TO HER. He told her he was 5' 2" when he was a good three inches shorter. It takes a lot of nerve to lie to someone, then claim doubts about THEIR truthfulness.

11 hours ago, Callaphera said:

I don't understand this weird fascination these people (by that I mean the Americans) have with their foreign partners being pure and virginal. I don't mean in terms of sex - clearly there are no actual factual virgins or else we would be hearing about it every five seconds - case in point, Virgin Iris from Married at First Sight. But they all expect themselves to be The First and Only American or the First and Only Facebook Boyfriend or the First and Only Whatever. Why does it matter? These are all transactional relationships anyway! You're fucking deluded (or Darcey, which is the same thing, really) if you think this is all 100% for lurve. 

And then we have Lisa playing the role of Yoko Ono in Nigeria. 

You've traveled all the way around the world to be with this person. Would you rather talk about HER past, or YOUR combined future? And the old joke about men wanting a 100% pure virgin who's also an expert in bed applies here as well. Virgins are generally terrible in bed (I know I was -- I'm told that I've gotten a lot better).

10 hours ago, StitchPunk said:

Erika seems nice. I don't see anything wrong with how she dresses. How is she supposed to dress then? I hope it works out when she tells her parents. They seem nice together. There isn't a bunch of drama.

The great thing about her being on this show: she doesn't have to tell them. They'll figure it out when they tune in.

4 hours ago, Temperance said:

It's the age difference that seems like a bigger obstacle. Also the fact that Ed seems less interested in Rose's culture is a red flag to me. And then there's the fact she wants more kids and he doesn't (allegedly).

A potential couple can disagree about a lot, but if they disagree on the children question, they might as well break it off now. There is NO getting around that. If one wants kids and the other doesn't, the relationship simply will not work.

[Eme]

The RAGE in Rose’s response to Ed was sad.  The fact that he Would.Not. Quit. With the interrogation was exhausting to watch. Can only imagine her trying to hold it together after seeing him in person and realizing he’s not chill At.All.

Agree with Eagle Eyed Poster who noted that her Rage comes from a deep place and that she’ll hate him forever for forcing her to have to choose Him to help her and her son out of destitution.

Also, I was bugged that he stormed away and didn’t let her eat.  Girl is POOR. Let her have a nice meal. Glad she thought of getting him to get her a hotel room.  That’s the least she deserved after he ruined her evening. 
I so hope he goes to see her home.....want to see it dawn on him what she’s dealing with. Of course, it will ALL BE ABOUT HIM But I want to see it anyway.

Edited March 23, 2020 by Eme

[Kangatush]

13 minutes ago, Sir RaiderDuck OMS said:

A potential couple can disagree about a lot, but if they disagree on the children question, they might as well break it off now. There is NO getting around that. If one wants kids and the other doesn't, the relationship simply will not work.

Exactly.  Children are one of the few things where there is absolutely no way to compromise.  You can't have half a kid.

[AZChristian]

7 hours ago, Dobian said:

He didn’t say it but I suspect it’s because he doesn’t trust the clinics there to use clean needles. In which case, why are you making Rose do it?  He never should have demanded she do that unless he was willing to get tested himself.

Having myself gotten a toe fungus in a (much cleaner looking) nail salon here in the States, I can't believe he let them touch him with any of their instruments unless he saw them come out of an autoclave in a sealed package.  At least if needles are involved, there is usually alcohol applied to the skin first.

His behavior was unacceptable.  No compromise.  That will be the rest of Rose's life if she ends up marrying him.

ETA about Geoffrey.  When he went storming off, walking away from the camera when he didn't know where he was going, he wasn't running.  But did his feet turn slightly out to an alligator angle?  I swear he looked and sounded like Pole in that moment.

Edited March 23, 2020 by AZChristian
Added thought.

[Kyanight]

9 minutes ago, Eme said:

Also, I was bugged that he stormed away and didn’t let her eat.  Girl is POOR. Let her have a nice meal. Glad she thought of getting him to get her a hotel room.  That’s the least she deserved after he ruined her evening. 
I so hope he goes to see her home.....want to see it dawn on him what she’s dealing with. Of course, it will ALL BE ABOUT HIM But I want to see it anyway

That bothered me, as well.  It's more than obvious that Ed could miss a few hundred meals and still be a stocky guy - he's been well-fed .. if not ALL of his life, than a good portion of it.  I am discouraged to see how many people get up and leave in a huff if they are upset.  No one seems to be able to discuss things and work them out.  If they feel their snowflake starting to melt a little bit, they have to stomp off somewhere to cool off and then the conversation is brought up again later.  I am guessing that TLC might have been picking up the tab for the meal, and the camera crew paid for dinner.

Ed is extremely selfish.  Rose comes from a little village and is extremely poor.  How exciting and fun it must have been to walk the streets and see the bustling market!  To have a meal in a restaurant!  But Ed is hot and wants to go.  Ed is in a huff at the restaurant and has to go.  Ed slams the cab door on Rose because he's mad things didn't go his way.  Ed, Ed, Ed.  It's all about Ed. 

[Spike]

1 hour ago, Kyanight said:

Such a good post.  You just need to add greasy, selfish, doesn't bathe.

Right?  That doesn't exactly scream love and concern for another human being.  It actually suggests selfishness, to me.  "I want what I want and I am going to get it or I am going to take my ball and go home!"

Part of it may be that Ed doesn’t want to be perceived as the pathetic fool that he is by the audience so he sets up these hoops that he expects Rose to jump through to “earn” the relationship.  Although the preview seems to suggest that he backs down next week when she calls his bluff.  The bravado deflates when challenged.  

The bit about wanting to know her dating history is odd.  Does he not get she could just lie!?  Does she not get that?  If she were truly a savvy scammer she could claim Prince’s father passed away and was her only love.  Ed would eat that shit up because he would perceive her as loyal, he would not have to worry about the ex resurfacing, and it would feed his white knight trope that he is saving a widow and child.

[Kyanight]

1 minute ago, Spike said:

The bit about wanting to know her dating history is odd.  Does he not get she could just lie!?  Does she not get that?  If she were truly a savvy scammer she could claim Prince’s father passed away and was her only love.  Ed would eat that shit up because he would perceive her as loyal, he would not have to worry about the ex resurfacing, and it would feed his white knight trope that he is saving a widow and child.

This is very true.  Ed clearly has no qualms about lying, and yet even though Rose could have made something up - she didn't.   SURELY she could have found someone else online besides this oddity!  It isn't even just his appearance that is a draw back - his personality traits are lacking, as well.

[CloseThisAccount]

2 hours ago, artisto said:

I still like Darcy.

For her myriad faults, at least Darcy isn't using the lucky coincidence of her birth country to stomp all over impoverished people from other countries (see Baby Girl Lisa, Ed the Human Pig (except pigs are smart & sweet), Serial Killer Geoff).  

[Gobi]

13 hours ago, GussieK said:

Where is the live chat?

Go to the main page for 90DF. The thread is titled Rice-A-Roni and Google Translate. It opens about five minutes before the show starts, is for every iteration of 90DF, and is only open the first time an episode airs.

4 minutes ago, TakeAPinotGrigio said:

For her myriad faults, at least Darcy isn't using the lucky coincidence of her birth country to stomp all over impoverished people from other countries (see Baby Girl Lisa, Ed the Human Pig (except pigs are smart & sweet), Serial Killer Geoff).  

She prefers being stomped on.

[Boston]

First of all.. people I hope you stay well.. Isn't it funny when you are home and have nowhere to go and it's fine.. but when someone tells you you HAVE to stay home, you go crazy..lol

#1.. Ed has some mental issues, JMO, but he definitely has a low IQ and WHY IN THE WORLD would a 20 year old want to be with him?  He's a sweaty gross mess.

#2 Yolanda.. another one who even has a LOWER IQ than Big/Small Ed.. nuff said.. completely a dope

#3 We watch this show to see the stupidness of others - and we can all use that right now

[CloseThisAccount]

Ed's main issues are first-world entitlement, racism, and toxic masculinity

[Boston]

6 hours ago, InternetToughGuy said:

The week since the last episode has passed by quickly, mainly because I measure the passage of time in amount of showers I've had and interactions with another human being - in the last week, one of those was very low and the other was zero. Feel free to guess which is which. Each post seems to get harder to write, since I can only draw attention to my lack of height and career so many times before it becomes redundant. I may have to become comically obese just to liven things up.

***

I don’t know how old I thought Ash was, but with the amount of my former classmates who started balding at age 17, I am impressed. Them filming the aftermath of sex is a bit disturbing, though I’m guessing the encounter was unedited and I just blinked and missed Ash’s whole performance. Avery is a virgin. I must create delusions to keep going on.

Every sex scene in TV shows and movies having them wearing clothes is irritating; it’s not like anyone under 40 watches this show, so why censor it to that degree. Since Ash sees spending his life with Avery, perhaps he is attuned to receiving visions from the future, which explains his enlarged pupils. If only Avery could smoke weed as an activity and not make it into a personality trait; then again if there are any hallucinogens she could take that would make me appear as average height, I will join a hippie ashram as soon as possible.

***

Ed not wanting to get off on the wrong foot with Rose may suggest she is more comfortable with stimulating him with anything other than her hands. I don’t know if it’s the Philippines weather that is causing Ed to sweat, since I’d consider Rose to be a miniature sun - Ed may want to downgrade to an overweight 45 year old woman if he wants the temperature to plummet, though I am known to heavily perspire when exchanging eye contact with anyone who looks even remotely female.

Rose saying “it’s you only” to Ed implies her son was a virgin birth - *sniff what a miracle. I admire Ed’s persistence in regards to Rose’s past, since I don a yellow hardhat to unearth all of a woman’s former relationships just so I have material to use as an excuse to curl up in a ball and cry in a vicious cycle of extreme patheticness.

***

Does the clockwise motion of Lisa’s gut jiggling while riding Usman cause him motion sickness? I guess the feeling of his pelvis being crushed by such a large mass must take his mind off of it. Damn, that rap concert is going to be a disaster. Can you imagine 50 Cent bringing a fat woman older than his Mother on stage to make out? All street credibility would be instantly tarnished.

I was expecting that cosmetics store to be an attempt to make Lisa look more palatable, though she’d need something more like a firehose of foundation - I don’t know many makeup terms other than the products I used for my humiliating crossdressing videos I made on my blurry webcam - long story short, they were discovered and I've been blacklisted from all family get togethers.

Usman’s friend laughing may be the most genuine moment captured on this show so far. The friend calling her queen of queens is accurate, since most people would guess she was 50+ years older than Elizabeth II.

***

I know I use the term “low testosterone” a lot, but that seems to be the only logical explanation for why David looks that wimpy. Then again I doubt there are that many rugged bodybuilders with deep voices who send mass amounts of money to women online. That ring salesman better recite the “no refund” policy after hearing David’s stupid tale.

David says he’s been “in gauge” a few times, which is equaled to him giving marriage a shot. My smile of him saying he hasn’t been intimate in a long time faded when he clarified it had been an underwhelming 10 years. I have a retro jukebox filled with audios of porn videos that I play throughout the day to cope with the loneliness.

It’s stupid, but I seriously do wonder why men who are so socially r*******/weak get alloted a height of 6 feet or more, since they act the complete opposite of threatening. You’d think with how convincingly buff I come off in text, I’d have been gifted an extra half inch to avoid being referred to as the toddler with a mustache.

***

It’s tempting to refer to Stephanie as “Tits” from now on, because they may be the only thing that keep me from karate kicking the TV in annoyance at everything she says and does. “Even something as minor as a cold can land me in the hospital” - a phrase that perfectly sums up the recent events, although that didn’t stop me from spending $200 in a frantic bidding war for the store's last can of Campbell’s Chunky soup.

Erika is even more annoying than Stephanie - Ed doing some suggestive dancing in a cleavage heavy Tooth Fairy costume would bring much needed relief to hearing these 2 idiots talk. I’m sure with the rainbow hair and ugly doodles littering her body, her parents probably assumed she was a polysexual demiqueen or some other made up term and definition that due to neuroses is ever in flux.

***

Yolanda is so stupid, it’s painful to listen to. “He’s in the dark with me” - we can see you’re both black, no need for the metaphors. It seems more believable that there are more Davids in the world that could’ve been cast for this show; are people really as dumb as Yolanda? If a Primetimer user messages me and even claims to be female, I guess we’ll see just how fast my bank account can go to zero (it’s already close enough to empty without anyone interfering, though).

***

The sun exists in Russia? Here in Canada, it becomes the stuff of legend for half the year. For all the people who somehow interpret Geoffrey showing any emotion other than acquiescence means he wants to punch a hole in the wall and scream at Varya, the only emotion I feel is apathy. I think Varya is boring as hell.

At least if this segment of him being picky about words is unscripted, it makes for a more interesting episode. Geoffrey is showing some brain power about this whole green card situation - where was that logical thinking when getting all those shitty tattoos? Of course with the very real threat of him knocking me out with a single punch, I’d be shouting encouragement at how dope those suns around his nipples look. I’m going to try and soothe my shattered spirits and couch potato body that that footage of Geoffrey pedaling that bike was sped up 64x.

***

I’d like to thank David for dispelling the idea that you need to be tall and muscular to look manly; rather just have David as your wingman and you could look like the most macho guy in the room. I wonder if there would be any sparks or fire between me and Anya, since I would be extremely committed to friction via rubbing my stick. David’s delusion is something of pure comedy - “we must get this Visa process done” as if anything is going to happen. Maybe at least he can take a before and after weight loss picture after every pocket on his shirt and pants are emptied out he’ll look a lot lighter.

***

Lisa being around Abba is awkward, since she’s the furthest thing from a dancing queen, since her in motion would be like 300 pounds of shimmying Jello. The concept of the song was that Lisa was 7000 miles away from him - no wonder he sounded so happy in the music video.

I really hope Usman’s hookah isn’t connected to the smoke being blown up Lisa’s ass. I don’t recall Usman actually proposing with a ring or whatever. Lisa barking hostile commands makes her really sound like a fellow rapper. I don't think Usman’s comments about proper female behavior will jive well with the western belief system that women are beyond reproach. I assure you that my remarks of women 200 pounds overweight still being so stunning that they make my heart skip a beat are genuine.

***

The true mark of a cool city is how people pay thousands of dollars a month to live in an apartment the size of a cardboard box. I think Ash’s brother’s willingness to ease up on the hair gel alone makes him more attractive, unless Ash’s hair is just following the command of shock/horror from his eyes.

With the size of those pupils, you’d think Ash needs to constantly quell his fear of being on camera by licking a toad every few minutes. Avery’s had a few relationships before? Not like anyone would know, but it was here where I fell apart and had to cry it out for 30 minutes before resuming the show. Avery saying they’ve had their ups and downs has to be one of the slier ways of saying they’ve had sex.

***

I don’t know if it’s just me, but Rose’s English seems to be getting harder to understand. Perhaps she is getting intoxicated due to being surrounded by Ed’s strong musk. This conversation is so awkward, damn. It’s an unrelated example, but it’s funny when the women who brag about banging entire football teams are in shock when someone asks them if they have any diseases. I wonder if from Rose’s perspective, Ed is wearing a motion capture suit and she’s seeing an animated wallet opening and closing its’ bill fold when he talks.

Since a preview just aired for My Big Fat Fabulous Life of a pathetic guy proposing to what looks like a mountain of Greek yogurt, David may have some long lost relatives. At least David’s delusion looks attractive, so he may be better off.

Why should Ed consider her as his girlfriend since they haven’t shown any affection at all? Does the world’s drunkest man need to subtitle her extremely slurred English? At least a man that inebriated would have access to a respectable job, although he may not remember doing it. Ed is a pest who is pissed about her past and wants a pap post haste. Can anyone here who is married or has spoken to a woman in the last 5 years tell me if relationships are always this angry?

***

Erika looks like a full page comic panel - just the sight of her annoys me. Them saying “Oh my God” makes me ponder throwing away my rosary beads, since any God who would create those two as they are may not be able to be trusted. How many people have mistakenly drove an ice cream scoop into Erika’s head? Since I’m imagining the two of them have a combined 500 person body count, I’d imagine their dopamine receptors are so fried that holding hands doesn’t do anything for them. With Stephanie there as well, no doubt Australia’s collective IQ weeps.

***

It’s rare someone who talks a big game online isn’t just pretending they have giant muscles, which is why Geoffrey’s appearance is so startling; in fact I recently snapped my brittle arm trying to open the pickle jar - I’m painfully pathetic. You have to wonder if there is a translator off screen or if Geoffrey is chugging from a pitcher of vodka so that Russian naturally flows out of his mouth.

This whole situation is really annoying. Varya hiding the thing about another American and organizing this interrogation solidifies her as shit. Her friends consoling her after her being idiotic is hilariously r*******. Hopefully the next episode doesn’t show him re-entering the restaurant prostrating himself begging for forgiveness.

///

Usman’s segments are by far the most entertaining; the rest of them are just various shades of embarrassing. I forgot about Darcey’s existence; hopefully she can learn new relationship behaviors - you know what they say about how plastic the brain is, especially Darcey’s. Having to wait a whole week to see Usman’s concert is a real pain in the ass, much like how Usman feels in the morning after a night of sexual torment.

 

It's Monday and i'm still in my "pajamas" from the weekend.. not really but I have sweat pants on that the string is gone and they keep falling down.. do I care??? NO.. no one better holler FIRE.. cause I will just stay in.. you are very funny.. and TMI, I know.

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

1 minute ago, Boston said:

#1.. Ed has some mental issues, JMO, but he definitely has a low IQ and WHY IN THE WORLD would a 20 year old want to be with him?  He's a sweaty gross mess.

Rose is not terribly attractive (although she's still way out of his league), lives in an impoverished situation, and has a young child (which will turn off a lot of potential suitors). Ed is literally the best she can do right now.

And ITA with those who can see the anger and heartbreak building up in her. I could see this going one of two ways:

1) She breaks it off with him despite everything that will cost her, or

2) She comes to The States, marries him, then starts sleeping with every guy she can and rubbing his face in it as a way to get back at him for what he's putting her through.

[Kyanight]

2 minutes ago, TakeAPinotGrigio said:

Ed's main issues are first-world entitlement, racism, and toxic masculinity

I totally agree with the first two - not so much the last one.  He reeks of childish pussy.

[CloseThisAccount]

1 minute ago, Sir RaiderDuck OMS said:

Rose is not terribly attractive (although she's still way out of his league), lives in an impoverished situation, and has a young child (which will turn off a lot of potential suitors). Ed is literally the best she can do right now.

And ITA with those who can see the anger and heartbreak building up in her. I could see this going one of two ways:

1) She breaks it off with him despite everything that will cost her, or

2) She comes to The States, marries him, then starts sleeping with every guy she can and rubbing his face in it as a way to get back at him for what he's putting her through.

I'm hoping for #2

[Boston]

Oh, forgot this.. I THOUGHT NO ONE COULD BE AS DISGUSTING AS ANGELA.. Life gives you comic genious .. LISA.. wow!!  WHAT A MESS.. I think they script this because NO ONE could be as big a bitch as her.. and I still think she looks like HIS GRANDMOTHER (i'm younger than her, but there are no words how awful she looks and is).. end of story.. thanks

[CloseThisAccount]

Just now, Boston said:

Oh, forgot this.. I THOUGHT NO ONE COULD BE AS DISGUSTING AS ANGELA.. Life gives you comic genious .. LISA.. wow!!  WHAT A MESS..

Baby Girl Lisa makes me want to fall swooning into Angela's delicate, nurturing, cigarette-scented, goofball-free embrace

[Boston]

I have been having INTERNET problems.. just fixed it last night (you're welcome..lol).. so some of my posts are either HALF there or don't make sense (thanks spellcheck)

[EtheltoTillie]

17 minutes ago, Gobi said:

Go to the main page for 90DF. The thread is titled Rice-A-Roni and Google Translate. It opens about five minutes before the show starts, is for every iteration of 90DF, and is only open the first time an episode airs.

She prefers being stomped on.

Thanks!   I finally found it.   Will be ready for next week.  That RiceaRoni thing was leading me astray.

[sasha206]

12 hours ago, StitchPunk said:

Varya still seems terrible. They don't get along and it's very obvious she's just trying to use him. Why would you

stop working on your apartment after dating someone for a few months? Does she expect to get married in less than a year? They're terrible together. All she's doing is lying to him and trying to guilt him into staying. Her friends seem to weirdly enjoy all the drama.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one that doesn't like Varya.  I don't like Geoffrey, but I gotta side eye Varya.  I think she's only in this to be on TV.  

[Boston]

8 minutes ago, Sir RaiderDuck OMS said:

Rose is not terribly attractive (although she's still way out of his league), lives in an impoverished situation, and has a young child (which will turn off a lot of potential suitors). Ed is literally the best she can do right now.

And ITA with those who can see the anger and heartbreak building up in her. I could see this going one of two ways:

1) She breaks it off with him despite everything that will cost her, or

2) She comes to The States, marries him, then starts sleeping with every guy she can and rubbing his face in it as a way to get back at him for what he's putting her through.

I would sleep with DAVID (don't know his last name, but from Pillow Talk, with Annie).. I'm not shallow and he is very smart and Annie is very cute and funny.  I would have to have a gallon of Jack Daniels to sleep with ED.. sorry, just me

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

Just now, sasha206 said:

I'm glad I'm not the only one that doesn't like Varya.  I don't like Geoffrey, but I gotta side eye Varya.  I think she's only in this to be on TV.  

The difference is that Geoffrey is looking for true love; Varya is looking for a transactional relationship and is being kind of obvious about it.

[Boston]

6 minutes ago, TakeAPinotGrigio said:

Baby Girl Lisa makes me want to fall swooning into Angela's delicate, nurturing, cigarette-scented, goofball-free embrace

You forgot CELL PHONE AND CREDIT CARDS in her boobs..LOL

[Gobi]

2 minutes ago, sasha206 said:

I'm glad I'm not the only one that doesn't like Varya.  I don't like Geoffrey, but I gotta side eye Varya.  I think she's only in this to be on TV.  

I see what you did there.

[Kangatush]

8 minutes ago, TakeAPinotGrigio said:

Baby Girl Lisa makes me want to fall swooning into Angela's delicate, nurturing, cigarette-scented, goofball-free embrace

Lisa is a garbage person, no doubt, BUT to me she's still better than Angela because she doesn't hit.

[Boston]

7 hours ago, mamadrama said:

Varya needs to take this moment and run to a friend's house until Geoffrey returns to the US. I'm sorry that he saw where she lives and now knows how to get there. Go, Varya, go! She's lucky she had a  camera crew following her around during all this. 

I can't believe we got someone on here who makes Angela look good (and Angela looks terrible). Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. WTF wants to watch a young "celebrity" frolicking with his grandmother in a much video? She's beyond delusional.

I still don't buy the women as being a couple. Erika may be gay, and Stephanie may even be bi, but I don't think they're "together." I see this as something created to get them both on the show. That's why Stephanie is already laying down the groundwork for no sex. 

Looking at Ash literally makes my eyes water. 

I don't see anything wrong with Big Ed asking for a STD test. What I DO have a problem with is the way he presented it and his refusal to get one there himself. Why should she trust HIM? 

Hell, 8 yrs ago I met a new guy and before I did the WALK OF SHAME  (and I did) I asked HIM (and me) to get tested.. AND WE WERE NOT YOUNG.. I see nothing wrong with that at all.. although BIG/LITTLE Ed does it in a horrible way.. and she (whatever her name is) is just so young, she looks like a 12 yr old and cries.. get some real world experience (her) before you try to get a GREEN CARD

[Kyanight]

6 minutes ago, Boston said:

I would sleep with DAVID 

You would have to fight off his collection of blow up dolls.  They can be kind of possessive.  Just sayin'.......

[Kangatush]

6 minutes ago, Sir RaiderDuck OMS said:

The difference is that Geoffrey is looking for true love; Varya is looking for a transactional relationship and is being kind of obvious about it.

I could not disagree more.  Geoffrey is looking for a little woman, not a love, and I think Varya is awesome and sincere.

 

[sasha206]

I like the lesbian couple.  They both seem really sweet and I hope they work out.  One of the few couples on this series that seem like they are actually in love.

[Kangatush]

Just now, Kyanight said:

You would have to fight off his collection of blow up dolls.  They can be kind of possessive.  Just sayin'.......

She means David Poor from Pillow Talk, not creepy Ukraine man

[Kyanight]

1 minute ago, Kangatush said:

She means David Poor from Pillow Talk, not creepy Ukraine man

OHHHHHH!!!  LOL !      Thanks for clarifying!!    I mean... different strokes for different folks....!  But... ewwww on creepy wig-wearing David who splurges big time on CZ engagement rings!

2 minutes ago, sasha206 said:

I like the lesbian couple.  They both seem really sweet and I hope they work out.  One of the few couples on this series that seem like they are actually in love.

Nah.  I'm not buying it.  They both have online followers, and I think this was just a way to get some TV time and more viewers.

[Boston]

Oops, forgot about the other DAVID - The one who is "60 yrs old" and has been "DATING" THE INVISIBLE LANA for 7 yrs.  (About that.. wasn't DATING when you actually had someone COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND PICK YOU UP.. AND YOU SAW THEM ALL THE TIME??).. guess I missed the memo that said you could DATE on the internet.. this has always bugged me about these misfits.

Just now, Boston said:

Oops, forgot about the other DAVID - The one who is "60 yrs old" and has been "DATING" THE INVISIBLE LANA for 7 yrs.  (About that.. wasn't DATING when you actually had someone COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND PICK YOU UP.. AND YOU SAW THEM ALL THE TIME??).. guess I missed the memo that said you could DATE on the internet.. this has always bugged me about these misfits.

and I think he uses Loreal root touch-up on his whole head.. ugh

[hookedontv]

Some initial random thoughts:

We should all refer to Lana as "Lanas." 

And as someone already posted, I have spent many a weekend in my sweats, not going outside except to get the mail. Totally fine with it. Despite going to the gym (before they all closed) I am generally a low energy gal. But now that I CAN'T go out (trying to limit my trips to the grocery store) since my state is in a lockdown, I'm a bit stir crazy. So I'm even more grateful now for the connection I have with my fellow snarkers. Are we soulmates? That remains to be seen.

I cannot stomach Lisa, she is a horrible, horrible woman. She barks orders at Usman, gives him grief about his fans (um, isn't that the goal of someone trying to get into the music biz? you want and need fans). She is now demanding that Usman doesn't allow Abba to the party? Are you freaking kidding me? I feel smothered just watching her on TV.

Ed is terrible too. There is nothing wrong about getting tested for STDs, but first he makes a show of not sleeping with her as him being "a gentleman," then reveals  he actually won't till he gets a test. I think it's smart to be tested, but for BOTH of them. He went off when Rose suggested he do the same, and getting tested in Philippines is apparently OK for Rose but not good enough for Ed? What an ass.

 

[RealReality]

33 minutes ago, TakeAPinotGrigio said:

Ed's main issues are first-world entitlement, racism, and toxic masculinity

100% agree with this.  His racism and entitlement are so pervasive that he would never recognize it.  

I'm sure he is surprised that he isn't looking like the good guy in all of this. 

30 minutes ago, Kyanight said:

I totally agree with the first two - not so much the last one.  He reeks of childish pussy.

LOL

21 minutes ago, sasha206 said:

I'm glad I'm not the only one that doesn't like Varya.  I don't like Geoffrey, but I gotta side eye Varya.  I think she's only in this to be on TV.  

If so, she is really playing the long game because I think they have been taking for a while, right?  

Either way, she seems fun and laid back and I love that she is not falling for any of his tricks.  

[RealReality]

1 minute ago, hookedontv said:

Some initial random thoughts:

We should all refer to Lana as "Lanas." 

And as someone already posted, I have spent many a weekend in my sweats, not going outside except to get the mail. Totally fine with it. Despite going to the gym (before they all closed) I am generally a low energy gal. But now that I CAN'T go out (trying to limit my trips to the grocery store) since my state is in a lockdown, I'm a bit stir crazy. So I'm even more grateful now for the connection I have with my fellow snarkers. Are we soulmates? That remains to be seen.

 

 

 

I'm the same way, re: low energy and the gym.  It's taken every ounce of self discipline for me to get up this morning, put on my workout clothes and go out for a walk/run and then (hopefully) do a workout video.  And I'm still just sitting here posting and not outside. 

I ordered a foldable stair climbing machine off Amazon so hopefully that'll help.  But I feel you, i spent most of the weekend in a giant nightshirt.  But I showered everyday and washed my hands a lot, so there is that.