Hunters Quotes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

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[ElectricBoogaloo]

Cheeks: Why the hell does Darth Vader got to be black?
Bootyhole: He's not black, Cheeks. He's a dark lord. 
Cheeks: Oh, a dark lord?
Bootyhole: Yeah.
Cheeks: Dude's got a black suit, dude's got a black mask, and last time I checked, James Earl Jones is sure as shit a brother. We're always the motherfucking villain, man. And you know what? I see it. 
Jonah: You think Vader's the villain, though? 
Cheeks: Yeah. 
Bootyhole: Are you serious, Jonah?
Cheeks: Every time Vader came on the screen, Bootyhole pissed his husky boy pants.
Bootyhole: Oh, fuck you, okay? Darth Vader killed tons of people.
Jonah: Look, Vader did some bad shit. I'm not saying that, not denying that. Darth Vader wasn't born Darth Vader. For all we know, he was born Chad Rubenstein - asthmatic, premature ejaculating, good-hearted loser.
Cheeks: Chad Rubenstein? 
Bootyhole: And he can talk about losers.
Jonah: And like every kid in the galactic empire, he was conditioned to believe that some evil jedi rebels from some desert shithole were gonna come bomb his parents, behead his friends, kidnap all the hot galactic chicks for lightsaber orgies. Vader doesn't get up every day looking to destroy the galaxy. No, no. He gets up every morning believing he needs to save it.
Bootyhole: Yeah, but he's still a murderer, dude. 
Cheeks: Exactly. 
Jonah: So is Batman, Booty. So is fucking Batman. He hanged a mental patient from the Batplane. He crushed a guy's guts out with a car compactor. Superman's slaughtered cities. Green Lantern took out a planet. Orion the Space Slayer fucking leveled a goddamn solar system. The only difference between a hero and a villain is who sells more costumes on Halloween.

Morris, if you're itching for some grand battle between good and evil, you ain't gonna find it here. We're not soldiers, we're not saints. We're janitors is all.

Jonah: What are you cocks spazzing about?
Bootyhole: Oh, well, we call "Jane" if we think the chick's squish mittens are trimmed and then "Tarzan" if it looks like her, uh, Hairy Manilow's an all-out pube jungle.
Jonah: You guys are idiots.

Offerman: You should read the Torah more. It is the original comic book.

Offerman: How are you? 
Jonah: I'm fine.
Offerman: Your face still looks like shit. 
Jonah: At least mine will heal.

Jonah: You didn't tell me you were Bruce Wayne rich.

Offerman: The Talmud is wrong. Living well is not the best revenge. You know what the best revenge is? Revenge.

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Jonah: I know you think I'm this undescended testicle, but I'm old enough to drink, smoke, enlist in the Army, so I'm not a kid. And unless you want to Greyhound over to the Indian casino and recruit the Navajo Windtalkers, I think you fucking need me.

Morris: I found this. 
Sommers: But NASA said [Gretel] was a war refugee.
Morris: And yet here she is looking as excited as a white girl at an Engelbert Humperdinck concert.

Jonah: You went to a matchmaker to put together a group of Nazi hunters? That's the Jewiest shit I've ever heard.

Mindy: You know [Eileen]'s still never apologized to me for missing Simchas Torah dinner.
Murray: Her husband died the night before.
Mindy: Well, exactly. That gave her a whole day to RSVP.

Lonny: You know, the fear goes away.
Jonah: What? No, no. I'm cool. I'm just, uh-
Lonny: As scared as an uncircumcised schlong at a mohel convention?

Lonny: You know, I loved Ruth like she was my own bubbe. Though if only she was a couple years younger, I might hve loved her a little differently, know what I'm saying? Mazel'd her Tov. Gefilte'd her fish. 
Jonah: That's fucked up, man. 
Lonny: Hey, she found me at rock bottom. She kicked my ass into shape. Not as good a shape as Kris Kristofferson's ass. That ass should be in the Louvre.

Morris: I read that Hans was a German war refugee like his sister. What did he do during the war?
Frannie: Hans was a doctor. Red Cross. 
Morris: Did he have to help any Jews? 
Frannie: Yes.
Morris: How did he feel about them?
Frannie: Well, how does anyone feel about them, dear? They're Jews.

Guy: Oh, captain!
O'Heir: Kirk, Captain Kirk! Say it!
Guy: Oh, gawd, Captain Kirk!
O'Heir: Fuck me, Spock. Fuck my photon torpedo bay, you half Vulcan fuck.

Harriet: Roxy will draw the curtains. Joe will admire the view. Murray and Mindy will set the mood. Lonny will do whatever the bloody fuck you do.

Lonny: Wow. It's like the entire guest list of Freddie Mercury's annual Vaseline party. That's where I got that accidental hand job from Peter, Paul and Mary.  Classic P, P and M.
Roxy: Erik Folsom. Almost as shitty of a stage name as Lonny Flash.
Lonny: Hey, you can call me Leonard Flazenstein any día of the semana, baby.

Holstedder: Omigawd. I'll have you arrested. Rounded up and-
Murray: Shot? Gassed? Buried alive?

Lonny: Third Reich Sesame Street's creepy as shit.

Jonah: I don't want to hear your Hitler fan fiction.

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Lonny: This is boring. I'm so bored!
Joe: Did you eat paint chips as a kid?

Lonny: Um, guys. Those curtains just moved. There's someone inside that house.
Joe: You sure you saw something, or is that just the quaaludes talking?
Lonny: I've been clean for months and it wasn't quaaludes. It was blow, and blow doesn't make you see things. It makes you stay up all night and occasionally shit your pants if it's laced with laxatives, but I know what I fucking saw.

Millie: It would be a whole lot easier at work if I had a penis and a white man's combover.
Maria: Well, it's a whole lot easier at home that you don't.

Lonny: Number one - now, this is an easy one. If your neighbor waves hello with his arm in a perfect 45 degree angle and invites you over to see his new walk-in oven he's been building in his garage, you might want to take a rain check. That could mean you've got a Nazi next door. Yolanda? Number two.
Yolanda: White people.
Lonny: Good tip, Yolanda. Three, if your classmate is drawing a swastika on a notebook or a friend, chances are this classmate may be a fan of Hitler. Yolanda, four?
Yolanda: White people.
Lonny: Um, Yolanda, not all white people are Nazis.
Yolanda: But, um, Lonny, all Nazis are white people.
Lonny: Okay, that about sums it up.

Offerman: "Hold no man responsible for what he says in his grief." That's from the Talmud.
Jonah: If only it said, "Hold no man responsible for what he does in his grief."

Cheeks: You're shitting me. Robin? No one wants to be Robin.
Jonah: You're fucking crazy, man. Look, Robin had it made. He got to ride Batman's coattails. He got to hang with his honeys. He even got Batman to get revenge for his parents' death. Didn't even have to get his hands dirty.
Bootyhole: Yeah, I think Robin deserves the blue ribbon prize for being the most needed superhero of all time.
Cheeks: More like most disposable superhero of all time.
Bootyhole: No, okay, hear me out. Batman, he was dark as fuck in his heart, right? But he still needed to save the world and shit. And without Robin, he would've went to the dark side forever and we'd all been fucked.

Bootyhole: There ain't nothing wrong with wanting to stay alive.

Colonel: Why does the American boy plague you so?
Tobias: He's American.

Carol: How come everything seemed so easy back then?
Jonah: Because it was.

Carol: I broke up with him, you know - Dennis.
Jonah: That's just good common sense.

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Mindy: It wasn't there. The numbers only went up to 600.
Lonny: You're positive?
Mindy: What? Are you questioning my ability to count now?
Lonny: Not at all. I was questioning your eyesight.

Harriet: About as titillating as the Mormon kama sutra.

Biff: Is it ever too late to admit you're wrong?
Juanita: Yes. Exactly right now is too late.

Jonah: Why do the good guys always have to choose to do the right thing? Doing the right thing didn't help Bruce Wayne get justice for his family, or Frank Castle, Peter Parker.

Millie: it isn't that the good guys always have to choose to do the right thing. It's that choosing to do the right thing makes them the good guys.

Lonny: Look, I learned a few lessons in Hollywood. One, never agree to a casting session after 8 at night. And two, if you see something you want, don't be afraid to ask for it or you'll never get it.

Jonah: What is that, what you just said?
Mindy: Oh, just a little prayer, you know. "Fear not. Be strong and courageous." You know, all that good stuff.
Offerman: Yeah, nothing like a pep talk from the Torah to help you commit a felony.

Roxy: Did you get the mold?
Lonny: Yeah, and possibly gonorrhea.
Jonah: You okay?
Lonny: Not emotionally. To get that, I basically had to play the kid in a very X-rated version of Kramer vs. Kramer.

Millie: Millie Morris, FBI. Can I ask you a question?
Danny: Journalism 101 tip: never waste a question asking if you can ask a question.

Danny: Look, lady, cartoons start in 15 minutes. I'm thinking today's the day Tom finally gets Jerry.

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Lonny: You smell like what slides out of a cow after a calf is born.

Danny: Sweet guy. Hope he gets cancer of the balls.

Dave: I have bad news, Lon. It's not gonna happen. Dreyfuss wanted the part.
Lonny: Richard fucking Dreyfuss? Jesus! Did you see his face in Jaws when he was showing his scars to Quint? Like he was holding in a fart.
Dave: He's really hot right now. And to be honest, maybe not enough time has passed between the old Lonny and now.
Lonny: Christ, Dave, I've been in the program. I've been good. I haven't been in the Enquirer or anything.

Millie: What is with the baby face and the suit?
Danny: I don't want to be recognized. Plus my ex liked the beard, and fuck her.

Offerman: Alright, alright, are we gonna start? 
Roxy: Can I do it? I really want to.
Offerman: Be my guest.
Roxy: Wake the fuck up, bitch!
Offerman: Tilda Sauer, hello.
Lonny: Aw, fascists are so cute when they first wake up.
Tilda: What is this? Who are you? Who are you people?
Roxy: Those are some very deep, existential questions for a fucking Nazi.

Lonny: You've been spewing this horseshit your whole life. And tonight unless we hear the truth, you're going to eat some.
Roxy: Yo, this is seriously gross.

Offerman: Let me translate your words. "We will fight the infestation of world Jewry. They are nothing but rats and roaches who direct their brutal greed towards true Germans."
Lonny: Real Emily fucking Dickinson.

Juanita: On a list of benefits of being born with a penis, not having to wear heels is in the top three.

Harriet: Victor Dillman. Or should I say Dieter Zweigelt? Doctor of Auschwitz, torturer, murderer. Tonight your sins, it seems, have caught up with you.
Zweigelt: That was during a war. I'm not the same man anymore.
Harriet: Oh, right, you're an angel now, are you? You help little, old ladies cross the road and you shit Cadbury Creme Eggs.

Harriet: We don't need him anymore. 
Zweigelt: But you said if I talked-
Harriet: Oh, I said? And what did you say to the Jews you drowned, you Nazi fucking cock?

Tilda: I am Karen Ballinger. I know who I am. And I know who you all are. You, the insecure actor.
Lonny: I think you mean Tony Award-winning insecure actor.

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Murray: Only chips?
Mindy: You know what? The next time our leader's car is blown to smithereens and our regular headquarters is compromised, I'll be sure and prepare a brisket.

Offerman: We will hope for miracles, but we will not rely on them.

Lonny: Whoa, thought this was the shitter. Groundhog's looking for its shadow.
Offerman: What is that in your hand?
Lonny: A little light bathroom reading. Found it at Tilda's. Saw the same one at Holstedder's. Unless they're in the same freaky book club, maybe it's something. 
Offerman: Find out what it means. 
Lonny: Yep. Just after I drop some chocolate dreidels into the Dead Sea.

Offerman: About Tilda. Was I rash? Yes. But was I wrong? Of course not. Instinct is important, Lonny. Instinct is everything.
Lonny: Instinct, huh? That's what made you murder her in cold blood?

Jonah: How was it? The funeral.
Cheeks: Well, you know, there were no strippers dancing on [Bootyhole's] coffin to Led Zep, man.

Cheeks: Couple weeks ago, you're scared to talk to girls. Now you're hunting fucking Nazis.

Biff: Would love to gird and gab, but Love Boat's on in 20 and Dottie's making hot fudge squares.

Jonah: Art Garfunkel is the furry taint of famous Jews.

Offerman: Did you find out anything from the book? -
Lonny: Yeah. It's some "Are You There, God? It's Me, Adolf" shit.

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Joe: All you're going to do is sit your ass in this van and keep the engine running.
Jonah: Sweet, I'm the wheel man.
Joe: You're not the wheel man. You're the guy who waits in a parked car and makes sure no one takes it.

Lonny: You know I enjoy a circle jerk but this is a snoozer.

Lonny: Cheryl Ladd's stand in has tits like vanilla ice cream. And I know cause I had two scoops.

Jonah: Lonny, you beautiful mustached motherfucker.

Harriet: Shalom, motherfucker!
[shoots Nazi]
Harriet: What? No thank you hug?

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Jonah: They keep fucking winning. Why do they get to play by their own set of rules? Why do the good guys always have to do the fucking right thing?
Offerman: We don't. Why do you have that in your head?

Patricia: I'd recognize those hooker heels anywhere. Didn't the nuns raise us to be chaste?

Patricia: I'm still shocked your off brand Brady Bunch hasn't figured you out yet.

Lonny: So that's what made the ghost look like what Zsa Zsa Gabor leaves in the toilet after borscht night at Milos Forman's.

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Harriet: Save your weepy Hallmark recollections for your therapist, Patricia.

Lonny: Jersey. Home sweet home. I smoked my first doobie about a mile from here, the first of many. I fingered Sarah Waterston behind a Denny's down that street.
Harriet: As much as I'm enjoying this trip down memory lane, perhaps we should both try playing the quiet game for a while.
Lonny: Can't stop now. The best one's yet to come. Kellogg Park, just over that hill - the place where my father told me the only role I was ever born to play was nothing. He said it in Hebrew too. I guess he figured two languages would really drive the point home. Sweet old dad.
Harriet: Do you believe him? Sometimes words sting more when you believe they're the truth.
Lonny: Maybe they just sting because he's an asshole.
Harriet: You are a lot of things, Lonny. Nothing is not one of them. Anyway, enough therapy.

Lonny: This is definitely the place. That's the Aryan cock fuck who shivved me.

Lonny: I'm the good cop. Pyro nun over here - she's the bad cop.

Harriet: Once we have infiltrated the warehouse-
Joe: Infiltrate? Why don't we just drop a bomb on the place and call it a day?

Carol: I think we should go to the cops.
Cheeks: You think some white oinker's going to help us? "Hello, officers. I don't want to get in the way of your racism but could you help us negroes possibly stop a nazi plot?" Man, they'd lock our ass up and throw us in the looney bin.

Lonny: I can't do this. I gotta get the fuck out of here.
Harriet: Lonny, calm down. Just breathe.
Lonny: I'm in a warehouse with a hundred nazis hellbent on killing me. I'm not sure my breathing's going to change that.

Lonny: Maybe this will teach me to pay attention to old people more.

Lonny: Dreyfuss can kiss my ass right in the crack.

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Lonny: Eastern Europe loves Lonny Flash.