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Harmonious Quotes

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Arthur: This is unacceptable. Piano girl, you're sliding up to each note, which ruins the listening experience. Diet Vin Diesel, stand up straight so we can hear you. Porno Mister Rogers, do you have a bug in your ear?
Jax: No. 
Arthur: Then don't do that. Whitney Houston, we have a problem. Your confidence exceeds your talents. Snake Tattoo, George Frideric Handel didn't know anyone named Hal.
Wayne: What?
Arthur: It's not Hal-li-loo-yer. It's Hall-lay-loo-ya! Open vowels. You've heard of vowels. They're the things that Pat Sajak makes you pay for.

Wayne: That was quite a bender you were on, Art.
Arthur: It's Arthur. How do you know my name?
Dwayne: We looked through your wallet after we wrestled your pants off.
Wayne: You peed so much.
Dwayne: Now you put up quite a fight. Luckily I'm huge.

Adams: Arthur Cochran, chair of Princeton's music department, also known for throwing chairs, resigned after a wave of student complaints. 
Arthur: This is a generation of delicate snowflakes and terrible chair duckers.

Arthur: Posture is everything. Neck back, head forward and up. Imagine there is a string coming out of the top of your head and you're-
[Wayne looks up]
Arthur: It's imaginary And your body is dangling like a puppet.
Jax: Like Pinocchio - or as my father/homeroom teacher called it: Lying Child Gets What He Deserves.
Ginny: Reverend Jax was raised by missionaries. His family watched American movies but they gave them all new titles to teach moral lessons.

Arthur: That's the guy whose choir wins every year?
Ginny: Every year.
Arthur: Well, not this year. This year, your choir's going to win cause I'm going to help you.
Ginny: I knew there was goodness in your heart!
Arthur: I'm doing this out of spite.
Ginny: God works in mysterious ways.

Ginny: I'm very excited to properly introduce to you Dr. Arthur Cochran, professor of music at the University of Princeton. And I know they never make the Final Four but outside of basketball, they're actually considered a good school.

Arthur: Take you. You slouch, which hurts your vocal projection. It's caused by fear of confrontation which is why you stayed married to a man who is preparing for wabbit season until one day he crosses the line. Maybe he lost all your money or let a snake loose in the house. I can see by your eyes it's both - wow! So you kicked him out but now you're worried it's screwing up the kid so you haven't signed the divorce papers.

Arthur: Just take the joy out of it and get it done. Joy is for losers.

Arthur: This is as loud as you get? Listen to your speaking voice. It's like Darth Vader ate Mufasa.
Ginny: Don't be mean. Dwayne has a lot of wonderful qualities that Darth Vader does not have, like a human face.

Arthur: Oh, you do have sarcasm here. What's next, bagels?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Ginny: You honked at someone?
Arthur: Wow, news travels fast for a town whose speed limit is mosey.
Adams: We don't honk in Conley Fork.
Ginny: Unless you're trying to scare a cow off the road.
Wayne: Or if your buddy's asleep at the wheel and you're trying to gently wake him up.
Arthur: Well, I am from New York, and honking is the least offensive thing that I do.

Ginny: Our choir is always a crowd favorite. We always knock their socks off with our music selection. I mean, unless the local Joe Cocker cover band is there - Faux Cocker.
Jax: Last year, we sang a song about God's love, MC Hammer's You Can't Touch This.
Cash: And it was awesome.
Arthur: Your definition of awesome is different from mine. And yours is wrong.

Ginny: I'm going to feel so guilty if this divorce ruins Fork Fest for Cash. It's always just been the most wonderful time of the year.
Arthur: Of course, because Christmas lacks that irresistible combination of fried food and animal husbandry.

Ginny: Are you crazy?
Arthur: I'm depressed since my wife just died. I'm not sure if that falls under your definition of mental illness.

Adams: If you want to make it right with Jerry, you're going to have to do it our way - with tact and grace and elegance.
Jax: Yes, make him a noodle casserole. 
Everyone: Ooh, yes.
Dwayne: My secret ingredient is margarine.

Ginny: I can't exactly tell people that [Wayne] often felt like a second child and spent our entire life savings on an idiotic business idea - beanbag pants.

Arthur: The original barbecue chicken chop salad from California Pizza Kitchen.
Jerry: That's my favorite salad. Hardly any vegetables.

Arthur: You're going to have to spell this town out for me. I know a noodle casserole means I'm sorry. What does a cake with a hungry leprechaun on it mean?

Wayne: Ginny never cheated on me. She'd never do that cause she's the best person I ever met. And I never left her. She left me which was probably the right choice, even though my arms are so jacked they blew the sleeves off my shirt and I'm super great in bed.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Wayne: Living alone is awesome times radical times infinity. I get to make dinner for two and then eat both.
Dwayne: Living the dream.

Arthur: It is a melisma miasma.
Shanice: Thank you.
Arthur: Not a compliment.

Arthur: They think coloratura means belting like Idina Menzel in that ice princess song.

Arthur: We are in a war against mediocrity, against crudity, against wearing tennis shoes at your wedding.
Wayne: You can't wear dress shoes with shorts.

Arthur: Most Improved is not an award. It's an indictment of how bad you used to be.

Ginny: Did you think you could open a can with a blowtorch?
Arthur: I thought the pressure difference - you know, science.
Cash: Do we know what he's a doctor of?

Ginny: People who live in filthy glass houseboats should not throw stones.
Arthur: Hey, I tried to hire a maid. People get suspicious when you ask them to bring a bunch of bleach down to the old houseboat at the end of the road.

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Adams: No.
Arthur: No? 
Adams: No.
Arthur: Are you questioning my authority?
Adams: I'm denying its existence. You have no leverage over me. I'm a volunteer, not some neurotic student who signed up for freshman choir because I need the approval of Angry Santa.
Karla: I think of you more as an angry Wolf Blitzer.

Arthur: Okay, this is going to help your dyslexia. Just use your finger and write a word in the sand.
Cash: Any word?
Arthur: Nothing that starts with an F. Or an S. You know what? Just write "butt."

Arthur: You know, when I was teaching at Princeton-
Ginny: I was wondering when you were going to work that in.
Arthur: I had a problem with the president of Princeton. 
Ginny: Mmm. 
Arthur: The Princeton president.
Ginny: I'm sorry, where? 
Arthur: Princeton, New Jersey. 
Ginny: I can't hear you. 
Arthur: Princeton.
Ginny: I never heard of it.

Jaz: Looking snazzy, Arthur - like a distinguished Elmer Fudd.

Ginny: What is your least favorite album from your favorite band? Mine is Dig In Deep by Miss Bonnie Raitt.

Wayne: There's three things every man should know - how to hunt, how to make a fire, and how to pretend he didn't notice a Whitney Houston song just came on. You think a boy like Cash is ready to process I Will Always Love You?

Wayne: Playground rules No pantsing, no wedgies, no purple nurples.

Dwayne: They say for happiness, a person needs about 12 hugs a day.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Arthur: "Come meet me, Arthur Cochran. I'm single and a doctor"? I don't think I've ever said that. I do drink a lot.
Wayne: Stuff I've agreed to on a bender - dang. I still have so much makeup to sell.

Wayne: I'll check the wiring but most flickering lights are caused by ghosts.

Adams: Well, we better get going. We don't want to be late for whatever the opposite of porn is.

Adams: You look like if cheese fries for the table were a person.

Adams: Now remember, zipper placement is crucial. There's a distinct line between "I'm not wearing anything under this," and "I'm with maintenance."

Wayne: You know, it's not that your dancing wasn't really good. It was, like, some of the best I've ever seen. It's just that people usually only do the YMCA during that one song.

Ginny: It's like making pickles.
Arthur: Is this another one of those desultory, esoteric southern metaphors?
Ginny: After you put the pickles in the garbage can, the key thing is to just not take the lid off.
Arthur: Why are you making pickles in a garbage can?
Ginny: People think that good pickles come from spices, but it's the timing.
Arthur: Hang on, I haven't bought in to your basic premise that you need a garbage can to make pickles.
Ginny: You take the lid off too early, you get salty cucumbers. You leave it on too long, right in the trash can.
Arthur: Where you're making the pickles?
Ginny: Gross, no. It's a dedicated pickle-making garbage can.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Arthur: I hate costumes. At best, people use them to escape the bleak reality of their lives. At worst, they channel their most vile instincts under the mask of anonymity.
Adams: Mine is definitely the latter.

Cash: Do we have to do this, dad? I have candy to collect, houses to egg.
Wayne: Well, life hack, son. You can egg houses every day of the year.

Ginny: I gotta get ready for the costume contest. 
Georgia: Who's judging? 
Ginny: Oh, we're deciding by popular vote, like all elections.
Arthur: No one understands the electoral college.

Arthur: Say what you want about mobs. They get the job done.

Arthur: I was a supernumerary in the Metropolitan Opera production of Die Fledermaus. I still have the wardrobe at home.
Ginny: English, please.
Arthur: I have tight pants and a big hat with a long feather.
Ginny: You got all that but you don't have food in your house?

Arthur: When humans dress in costume, their moral code disintegrates.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Arthur: Before today, only two patterns had never touched my skin. Now all that's left is tie dye. 

Kimmy Bell: I'm moving my salon next door. I bought the space that was formerly PJ's Beepers and Corded Phones.

Adams: You are my girl and the only person I trust to manage my facial hair if I am ever in a coma.
Ginny: I will not let one whisker go unplucked.

Arthur: They're good in a way that upsets me, like Taylor Swift.

Dwayne: I'm the black sheep of the family. You know, I kind of went down my own path in high school.
Arthur: What was it? Sex, drugs? Are you about to become more interesting to me?
Dwayne: Pacifism on the road to vegetarianism.
Arthur: No.

Adams: What were you thinking? We can't follow that choir. They're like a Super Bowl halftime show and we're like the weird guy who sings while he sells peanuts.

Riley: Still don't eat meat.
Dwayne: Was that a question?
Riley: It's a question of your principles. This family was built on beef.

Kimmy Bell: So you want to go for a younger look?
Arthur: I didn't say that.
Kimmy Bell: Well, in my experience, when a man of a certain age uses words like fade or hip or Jude Law, it means they want to shave off some years.

Arthur: Are you a Beethoven's ninth fan? 
Kimmy Bell: Guilty. My folks are big Deutschophiles. All we listened to growing up was classical music.
Arthur: That is wildly unexpected. What did they do for a living?
Kimmy Bell: My daddy hauls hay and my mom does marketing for suntan lotion.

Ginny: Kimmy! Omigawd, this is amazing! I love your denim on denim. It's just like Britney and Justin MTV Movie Awards circa 2001.

Arthur: It sounds like you have PTSD.
Ginny: Well, thank you for not saying PTSTD.
Arthur: Only because I didn't think of it.

Kimmy Bell: I hope you're not mad I took your solo. I hate when things are based on merit.

Ginny: I know it's not right but I hate [Kimmy Bell]. She always has to outshine me, like that time that she wore a really tight dress to my wedding to show that she wasn't pregnant.

Arthur: I followed you into a bathroom and somehow you're the creepy one.

Arthur: I look like the worst tasting Starburst so sure, why not lose the last shred of my dignity?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Leanne: You're sleeping with a senator?
Wayne: Getting plastic surgery someplace weird nobody cares about like your toes.
Ginny: A high stakes spelling bee where if you don't win, you're killed? 
Arthur: What's happening?
Dwayne: Adams is going somewhere tomorrow and she won't tell us why.
Jax: Ooh, what if it's something nice? I hope it's something nice.
Arthur: You need to respect her privacy.
Adams: Thank you.
Arthur: Is what I was going to say until I thought of this great guess. You're cloning yourself so you can marry yourself?
Adams: Arthur is the closest so far.

Arthur: Why don't you just lock the door and leave a bucket of Bibles on the stoop?
Jax: The church is the center of our community seven days a week. Helping people never takes a break.
Arthur: Please, I mean, it seems to me the church has a history of doing more harm than good.
Jax: Harm? Last year, our bake sale raised over $90 for tornado survivors. What about that?
Arthur: What about the Crusades?
Jax: Okay, one to one. Okay, it's 12 to 12. I'm counting all witch trials as one.
Arthur: What a shock. The church minimizing the experience of women. And I am back up by one.
Jax: As much as I would like to continue listening to you belittle my life's work, I have to leave to drop a casserole by a parishioner's house and then go help a friend.

Jax: At least this place comes with its own operator's manual.
Arthur: Don't say The Bible.
Jax: If you're in trouble, just turn to any page, any paragraph, and you'll find some words of wisdom.
Arthur: "He shall also be unclean if he touches a corpse or anyone who has an emission-"
Jax: Just stick to the second half.

Jax: I was supposed to be quickly dropping off food at Nazarita's but she informed me she's on her death bed again. I think she just wants someone to watch This Is Us with but I can't take that chance.

Barb: [Junior]'s saying he wants to quit his job. He says he's gonna move us to Tennessee. Tennessee!
Arthur: Are people from Kentucky under the impression that other states are worse?

Barb: I like the way you think. 
Arthur: Yeah. I do, too.

Arthur: You're looking at porn on a church computer.
Kid 1: Well, how else are we supposed to learn about this stuff?
Kid 2: I asked my parents to give me a book about it and they gave me the Bible. 
Arthur: Oh, jeez.
Kid 2: And then they took the lock off of my bedroom door.
Arthur: Okay, let's approach this with science and reason instead of fear and shame.
Kid 2: What's the deal with nipple clamps?

Ginny: Guys, just because someone is in a church does not mean you have to listen to him.

Wayne: Man, I haven't been in a room this nice since I broke into the Real World: Lexington house.

Arthur: I don't know how to be rational with people who are being irrational.

Wayne: I forget to wear a condom 16 times and boom - a baby.

Arthur: I helped the way the secular elites always do.
Karla: By being smug and starting a podcast?
Arthur: No, I gave money.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Jax: Before you say no-
Arthur: No.
Jax: Okay, after you say no, we do a super fun progressive dinner where we do a different course at each other's houses.
Arthur: Progressive and Kentucky go together about as well as C and F sharp.
Dwayne, Jax, Wayne, Ginny, and Adams: ...
Arthur: They're dissonant.

Arthur: I have a date with a very special video that I have been tracking down for two months.
Wayne: Yep, the world would be a better place if people just admit they watch porn.

Arthur: Wow, Dwayne, spandex at church. That's brave.
Dwayne: Arthur, the good lord blessed me with the legs that fill out these tights.

Ginny: Okay, let's divide these up and start making our deliveries.
Arthur: All right, I will take this one to the widower who lives alone on the houseboat.
Jax: There's a widower who lives alone on a houseboat? You guys should be friends!

Jax: That was a trick. Smiling at you was my tell.

Jax: Actually, I've had a few things disappear too - like my Princess Diana commemorative plate.
Arthur: So there is a thief in our midst. What is the etiquette on how long we have to wait before we say it's Wayne?

Adams: You guys are both Libras and love Maroon 5 for some reason.

Dwayne: Okay, I was young and broke and an agent spotted me in the mall and the next thing I know, I was on the cover of a Japanese romance novel.
Arthur: What was it about?
Dwayne: The title loosely translates to sex horse.

Dwayne: Wait, do you think I stole your laptop?
Arthur: I think Wayne did.
Wayne: Just cause I don't know how to manage money and I've yet to return Jax's Diana plate? 
Arthur: Yeah. 
Wayne: You know, it's not just poor people who steal. Could be some rich person doing it for a cheap thrill. Think on that.

Georgia: Dwayne, we're running out of toilet paper and going through those Chipotle napkins real quick.

Georgia: Wait, Dwayne, is that you as a sexy sex stallion?
Dwayne: Actually, it's a sex horse. Let me explain.
Georgia: Shh. Sex stallions don't talk.

Arthur: Do you think Adams might have stolen my laptop? You know, successful woman, has it all, just wants to feel something.
Jax: Like Winona Ryder. You know, from that movie my missionary parents called Girls Named Heather Go to Hell Together. No, I don't believe it.
Arthur: I look forward to destroying your faith in humanity.

Arthur: Please don't tell me there's squirrel brains in this.
Adams: No. Did you say brains or bowels?
Jax: It's a Kentucky delicacy we call burgoo. As they say, if it walked, crawled, or was hit by a Subaru, it goes in burgoo.
Arthur: So basically this is roadkill soup.
Adams: No, it's more of a roadkill bisque.

Arthur: Ten bucks if you find my computer.
Cash: Thirty.
Arthur: Fifteen.
Cash: Twenty and I'll actually try.
Arthur: If you get caught, you don't know me.

Ginny: The audacity.
Georgia: I think you mean the accuracy.

Ginny: Everybody's got an opinion on my love life, and I don't want to hear it - especially from a guy who thinks that corn nuts are an aphrodisiac.

Arthur: Did you steal my computer?
Cash: I'm a hustler, not a thief.
Arthur: Yeah? Why should I believe you?
Cash: Just give me your phone.
Arthur: What, so you can steal it too?
Cash: No, so I can use the "Find My Computer" app.
Arthur: If you knew how to find my computer, why didn't you tell me earlier?
Cash: Because I was hustling you. Keep up, old man.
Arthur: I can't tell if you're destined for juvie or the White House.

Adams: I have a Gucci soup ladle. Why would I steal your crappy old laptop?
Wayne: Hmm, interesting. He never said it was crappy or old.
Adams: Everything he owns is crappy and old. It was an inference.
Wayne: Yeah, well, I don't know what that means.

Arthur: All I wanted to do today was watch an opera, not be part of a soap opera.
Jax: Am I the handsome leading man or the handsome man's evil twin brother, Scott?

Adams: Didn't you tell me Georgia threw that [mug] in the trash?
Ginny: Oh, the alcohol sterilizes it.
Adams: Soap. Soap sterilizes it.

Arthur: Getting grifted by a kid, getting caught up in a love triangle, finding out that a member of your choir is a sex horse.

Ginny: Where are your plates, forks, and napkins?
Arthur: You mean my plate, my fork, and my shirt sleeve?
Ginny: We're eating with our hands, people.
Arthur: Yes, we are.
Wayne: Way ahead of you. Fingers are the forks of the body.

Ginny: I hate leaving things on bad terms. That's why I'm Facebook friends with that guy who sideswiped me.

Jax: I'm grateful to God for his lenient stance on fibbing.

Wayne: I guess she wasn't into stable relationships, so she put you out to pasture. And there's also something about Mister Ed, but I haven't figured it out yet.

Dwayne: I'm grateful I have good friends who can support me when I'm down.
Wayne: Mr. Sex Ed! Nailed it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Cash: I thought you weren't allowed to do electrical work.
Wayne: Oh, no, I'm not allowed to legally call myself an electrician, but in my own home, I can do as much subpar work as I want.

Arthur: We have [a dancing Santa], but we don't have a lock on the bathroom door?

Jax: I'm sorry, Santa, I love everything about you, but my parents can't see my secular side. I can't handle the judgment.
Arthur: Well, they're the ones that should be worried about judgment. Missionaries have no business coming into populations and imposing their supposedly superior values.
Adams: You mean like you do to us with music?
Arthur: No, that's different. I have taste. You don't.

Anjali: Can I read my bible in the car?
Luke: Just crack the windows so the holy ghost can get in.

Luke: Were we just in the presence of the Arthur Cochran, the famous conductor?
Arthur: Throw in rumpled and handsome and, yes, you would be correct. 
Julie: We are such huge fans. Your Princeton Chamber Choir recording of Handel's Messiah was exulting.
Arthur: Well, actually, the New York Times used the word revelatory, but let's not get caught up in semantics. Exulting will do. You know what I'm going to do for you? I've got some 8x10s in my bag. I keep them handy for fans like you.

Ginny: Sneaking around is kind of hot, you know? I mean, it reminds me of when we were in high school and my parents thought Wayne was a stone cold loser just cause he was on unemployment.

Ginny: We're just having fun. It'll all be over by New Year's. I just I need to get him out of my system.
Adams: Ugh, like a bad taco or a blood-borne illness.

Ginny: How are we going to find 100 people who don't want to watch the UK game?
Jax: They can DVR it. Everyone knows the game is so much more exciting to watch after it's ended and you know the score from social media.

Ginny: We like to pray in the supply closet cause, you know, Jesus was a carpenter.

Anjali: You've never heard of Santa? He's just like Jesus, but he rewards people who behave righteously with toys.
Arthur: Interesting. They are kind of similar, aside from the obvious weight difference.
Jax: No, he's nothing like Jesus, okay? 
Julie: So did you two have fun? 
Anjali: So much fun. I learned about Santa. He's going to bring me this game called Murder Car where you kill people and then steal their cars.
Arthur: There's also prostitutes.

Dwayne: So, Barb, what are you doing this Friday?
Barb: I'm going to the Wildcats game, obviously.
Dwayne: It would mean a lot if you came to the Christmas concert.
Barb: Can I have a solo?
Dwayne: You're not in the choir. 
Barb: Can I be in the choir?

Jax: Would it be all right if I tousled your hair? 
Anjali: I'd rather you didn't. 
Jax: And that's why I asked.

Dwayne: Can someone take this? I don't want to be seen with a big pair of scissors. People project aggression onto men of my stature.
Adams: Don't pass them to me. I can't look my friends in the eye knowing I cut off the UK game.
Arthur: Come on, give it to me. The only thing people project on me is privilege.

Dwayne: I appreciate you making such a huge sacrifice for a friend.
Arthur: What sacrifice?
Adams: This is the internet connection as well as the cable. You're cutting off our chances to broadcast the concert on YouTube.
Arthur: Torn between a return to relevance and helping a weirdo in a cardigan who I didn't even know four months ago.
Adams: He looks really cute in that cardigan though.
Arthur: Damn it. He does.

Ginny: Did you take money from our joint account to buy those earrings?
Wayne: Part of it, yeah, but then the rest I invested in my buddy Dookie's business. It's a can't-miss. He's turning Tracy Chapman lyrics into inspirational towels.

Jax: Look at this crowd. We haven't had this many people since Google Maps accidentally listed us as a Second First Churros.

Arthur: What is Barb doing here?
Dwayne: Oh, she's in the choir now. And she has a solo.

Arthur: That service was so moving, it almost caused me to doubt my atheism.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Sign in front of church: Prayer: unlimited messaging, no wifi required

Cash: I'm going to compete in the Conley Fork's finest pageant.
Arthur: Ahh, "finest" - the perfect word to use when excellence is out of reach.
Wayne: It's your traditional teen boy pageant that was forced to allow girls to compete.

Arthur: I grew up just like you, but with a less stupid accent. But I made it to the top of my field. I believe in people pulling themselves up by their boot straps.
Wayne: I think you mean boob straps.

Pageant host: And famous choir director, Mr. Arthur Cochran.
Arthur: Doctor.
Pageant host: Deliver a baby and we'll talk.

Arthur: Can we not make small talk when we're both exposed in a room built for children?

Arthur: Are you threatening me?
Wayne: I'm trying to but it's hard when you don't have anything valuable or that you love. Come on, man. Ginny's going to be pissed as hell if I don't get you to help us.
Arthur: Ginny's involved? Did she instruct you to do a terrible job? Was peeing the entire time part of the plan?

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Arthur: We're musicians. It needs to be music-related.
Jax: You said "we." You feel like you belong! We are an us. 
Arthur: Calm down. It's just a pronoun. It's not a promise ring. Anyway, I was reading this church choir blog about raising money through a Hymn-A-Thon. People pledge money for us to sing.
Jax: Us!
Arthur: Walk away.
Ginny: Church choir blog!
Arthur: Yeah, they have some really good ideas about choirs and terrible ideas about everything else.
Adams: Dibs on anything Beyonce, Madonna, Lizzo.
Arthur: It's Rizzo and no, we're not doing anything from Grease.

Tate: A friend of mine lives nearby and I seem to have gotten a little bit lost.
Ginny: Yeah, you don't look like you live this far from I-75.
Tate: What gave me away? The hat, the keen sense of intelligence that permeates every sentence, or the full set of teeth?
Ginny: Is that by chance your friend?
Tate: The one man not in overalls? Yes.

Arthur: Ginny, this is Tate Tippet, who is also an idiosyncratic Princeton music professor who judges people harshly.
Ginny: Oh, cool, I'm so excited for there to be two of you.
Tate: I want to catch up but if you'll excuse me, I left my car unlocked and everyone in here looks like they could teach a master class in hot wiring.

Arthur: I'm going to show [Tate] a good time, I'm going to get my job back, and finally I can pull myself out of the muck.
Ginny: Are we the muck?
Arthur: No, you're the the gross creatures who befriended me when I was in the muck.

Adams: I can't believe Arthur abandoned us. Although, to be fair, it falls in line with every other terrible aspect of his personality.
Dwayne: Never trust a man with that many decorative scarves.
Wayne: Who does he think he is? Johnny Depp? He can't out-scarf Depp. No one can. You can try but Depp will just put on another scarf and where does that leave you? I'll tell you. One scarf behind Depp.

Arthur: Bibs, you're looking at the best instrumentalist in all of North America - jazz piano.
Tate: Industrial bassoon.
Arthur: Ska sitar. So what's it going to take to get this guy in the lineup tonight?
Bibs: Aw, I don't know. It's cover band night. I don't want to bump Shammy Hagar.
Arthur: Bibs, you gotta help me out here. I need to butter this guy up. He may have a job for me at Princeton which means you will never have to listen to someone say, "Could you please switch the TV to the opera channel?" ever again.
Bibs: Hey, Mr. Sitar! You're up next.

Wayne: People are just paying us to do weird crap now. It's a career I never knew I wanted.

Arthur: I deserved to get fired. I'm a dick.
Dwayne: Well, the first step to healing is admitting it.
Wayne: Unless you committed a crime. Then it's deny, deny, deny.

Wayne: I'm so tired, I've forgone the perfect opportunity to draw a penis on Junior's forehead. No, I'll never be that tired.

Ginny: Dang it, Brian, you better not be calling to take back your offer. We had a verbal contract. That's a thing isn't it?
Brian: It is, and we have a firm no backsies policy.
Ginny: Oh, kindergarten rules. I respect that.

Arthur: I finally took your advice and wiped up the gravy with my biscuit.
Ginny: You sopped!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Jax: We exceeded our construction paper budget for the year so I moved some money around, took it out of double-sided tape.

Arthur: I didn't stay in the cultural ass crack of America's armpit in order to lose, so clear your schedules for the next five days because you're mine.
Karla: Now is the armpit in the ass crack, or is the ass crack in the armpit?

Ginny: Hey, guys, the bus will be here any second and remember it is a tight squeeze, so only one bag per person, okay?
Jax: One bag? That's impossible. What if I'm going from an afternoon of athleisure to a smart casual dinner?
Wayne: Just wear the same cardigan you always wear.

Adams: You need to pack some drawers.
Jax: I guess this will be a commando trip. God's love is all the support I need.

Wayne: My buddy Dookie might be able to help. He has a bus.
Arthur: I'm leery of any plan that hinges on a man named Dookie but how bad can it be?

Wayne: Dookie just has to drop these kids off at the winter formal and then we're good to go.
Ginny: Tell your friend to drive faster, Dookie! No more stopping for fake IDs.

Girl: You look familiar.
Adams: I was Snowflake Queen in 19 [mumble mumble].
Girl: No, you're the lady that murdered her husband. Do you do stepdads? I hate Rick. 
Adams: Honey, you can't afford me.

Arthur: Hang on, is Magnus behind this [canceled hotel] room thing?
Kimmy Bell: Yes, he's obsessed with you. You're all he talks about. Oh, wait, no. That's Jesus.
Arthur: Right, that zombie you all worship.

Wayne: Well, looks like you and I are going to have to share a bed. You want to be the big spoon or the little spoon? Who are we kidding? We both know you're little spoon.

Wayne: Now this might burn a little.
Dwayne: Cause it's hot water? 
Wayne: Because it's grain alcohol.

Arthur: Payback's a bitch and I am high on life.
Ginny: Have you been drinking?
Arthur: Just a bunch of mini bar bourbons and that Five Hour Energy that looked a hell of a lot like a mini bar bourbon.

Jax: So your big secret is that you didn't murder your husband?

Adams: I met someone. 
Keith: That's amazing!
Adams: Except because of our secret, he thinks I'm a murderer.
Keith: That gives you the upper hand in the relationship. I don't see the problem. 
Jax: Secrets can be a real burden.
Keith: Oh, really? I wouldn't know that as a gay black man in Kentucky.

Arthur: Adams, touch those robes.
Adams: A random rack of robes that could belong to vagabonds? No thank you.

Adams: Girl, what are you wearing? You look like a court-appointed attorney.

Magnus: I have asked God to help me like you, but some prayers will go unanswered.
Arthur: Yeah, well, imaginary friends are so unreliable.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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