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The June Allyson crack saved that particular rant for me...but IMO it's way, way behind the epic "Motel Hell" rant earlier in the same episode, culminating in the immortal

 

Julia (to Charlene): If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalind Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big.  I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog!  [epic Charlene WTF face here]  I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with bloodhounds ripping your clothes off!  And remember, Charlene, I have your address--you'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"!
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I forgot another funny mary Jo/Charlene scene was at the all you can eat salad bar when mary Jo loses Suzanne's pearls and they are both tearing through the salad bar looking for them :)

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For years after that episode aired, my mom and I would just look at each other and burst into laughter any time we entered a restaurant with a salad bar.

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Julia was, as usual, quite crazy and over the top in that episode.  She tried to present herself as the high and mighty sane one most of the time, but she was off of her rocker in this one.  It's a wonderful the other jurors didn't have her locked up.  And poor Charlene was just doing what's right and crazy Julia threatened her and her child.

 

Julia was just as off of her rocker as the others, but she wouldn't "own" her behavior like they did.  That is why she was my least favorite of the ladies.  

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@Zanzibar, that was one of my favorite Julia rants! Yes, she was being superior and a royal bitch, but the way Dixie Carter tore up that dialogue was amazing and I laugh every single time.

 

I also love that episode because we got the classic line from Suzanne to Charlene: "I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell out of town."

 

I also like the Julia rant from the episode where they went to New Orleans for a conference and the girls were all stuck in one hotel room while Anthony got one to himself (because they forgot to change their reservation until it was too late):

"Hey, hey, hey! New Orléans! I am Julia Sugarbaker and I'm gonna go sleep in Anthony Bouvier's room! I am white, he is black! We are not engaged and he is significantly younger than I am! So just put that in your étouffée and choke on it!"

Edited by emma675
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In the missing pearls eppy:

Charlene holding up an arm drenched in thousand island dressing, speaking to a bewildered salad bar attendant- "Is this thousand island? I don't care for thousand Island."

Cracks me up every time.

I own all the DVD's with Suzanne in them.

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I do love the eppy, "The Strange Case of Clarence & Anita".

Mary Jo's rant in front of the TV cameras:

Mary Jo: All we want is to be treated with equality and respect. Is that asking too much? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be strident and overbearing, but you know nice just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm mad because we're 51 percent of the population and only two percent of the United States Senate. I'm mad because 406 men in the House of Representatives have a pool, a sauna and a gym, and we have six hairdryers and a ping pong table. I'm mad because in a Seminole, Oklahoma police station, there's a poster of a naked woman that says "Women make bad cops." I'm mad because in spite of the fact that we scrub the nations' floors, wash the dishes, have all the babies and commit very little of the crime, still we only make 58 cents on the dollar. And I don't know about the rest of you women out there, but I don't give a damn if people think I'm a feminist or a fruitcake! What I'm going to do is get in my car and drive to the centermost part of the United States of America and climb the tallest tower and yell, "Hey, don't get me wrong, we love ya, but who the hell do you men think you are?!!"

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I loved the episode where Charlene's family is in town at the same time that Anthony is being chased by the angry athlete for not responding to his wife's advances (was it one of the episodes leading up to the wedding?).  When that guy walks in yelling and Anthony starts in on introducing his "family", I about died.  Especially when he mentioned his "brothers" and they all crowded around him, flexing their muscles, and topping it off with "If that's ok, with you?" to Charlene's parents and her father responds without blinking an eye "Well, that's up to you, son".

 

Also from the wedding episode, when they are all crowded into the bathroom because she, Bill and the stripper are handcuffed together and Monique walks in, Suzanne says "Great.  Now I'm stuck in here with Charo and the happy hooker."

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I loved the episode where Charlene's family is in town at the same time that Anthony is being chased by the angry athlete for not responding to his wife's advances (was it one of the episodes leading up to the wedding?).

 

 

Which episode is that Shannon L.?  I've been dying to see that one, but I forget the main storyline.

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I'm not @ShannonL but it is Nashville Bound, from Season 1. Charlene has been "discovered" by a talent agent who has great things planned for her in country music.

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The San Sucky episode had so many great lines in it and it is one of my favorites.  I loved that Suzanne and Charlene got the best of the so called smart ones at Trivial Pursuit, 

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Thank you, dustylil.  I thought maybe they were all in town for the wedding, but now that you mention the episode, I remember the rest of it. 

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Those of you who say, "Some white girl," when the opportunity presents itself:  Do you say it in a falsetto voice like Anthony's?

 

The real-life Cindy Birdsong was a member of Blue Belles (early '60s with Patti LaBelle) before replacing Florence Ballard in the Supremes in 1967.  See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cindy_Birdsong for more.

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I am dying here, people! Dying. Thanks for all the quotes and for the hardest laugh I've had in a long while.

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Suzanne: Julia, I didn't pick him... it just happened.
Julia: And it will happen again. Suzanne, if sex were fast food there'd be an arch over your bed. And I swear I didn't mean that bitchy...

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And from San Sucky:

 

Suzanne: I never would've come here if I had known they have it in for big people.

 

And Julia at the end of the episode:

 

I suppose in my heart I always knew that someday we would end up like this. I mean, well, it's kind of fitting isn't it? Here we are going down the highway into the dark Georgia night. Four aging Southern belles; war-torn hair, dirty faces; a nanny, a baby, and a crippled black man.

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"I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell out of town."

 

This reminds me of the episode where Suzanne wanted to get Charlene's baby a wig for an audition.

"That's a fine howdy do after I got her this". Takes a little dark wig out of a bag. "I had it cut down from one of my old wigs."

 

Whenever I see a bald baby girl, I think she needs a baby wig.

Edited by babyhouseman
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I do love the eppy, "The Strange Case of Clarence & Anita".

Mary Jo's rant in front of the TV cameras:

Mary Jo: All we want is to be treated with equality and respect. Is that asking too much? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be strident and overbearing, but you know nice just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm mad because we're 51 percent of the population and only two percent of the United States Senate. I'm mad because 406 men in the House of Representatives have a pool, a sauna and a gym, and we have six hairdryers and a ping pong table. I'm mad because in a Seminole, Oklahoma police station, there's a poster of a naked woman that says "Women make bad cops." I'm mad because in spite of the fact that we scrub the nations' floors, wash the dishes, have all the babies and commit very little of the crime, still we only make 58 cents on the dollar. And I don't know about the rest of you women out there, but I don't give a damn if people think I'm a feminist or a fruitcake! What I'm going to do is get in my car and drive to the centermost part of the United States of America and climb the tallest tower and yell, "Hey, don't get me wrong, we love ya, but who the hell do you men think you are?!!"

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From the episode "Killing All The Right People," where Mary Jo's trying to learn how to get fired up like Julia so she can speak at her PTA meeting. Mary Jo suggests they all try to think of something that makes them angry:

 

Suzanne: "Ooh, I've got one! This just makes me furious. You know, when men use women's liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for ya. I just hate that! I don't care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!"

Julia: "I don't think I can add anything to that."

 

Again, the delivery is all. But in the midst of a deeply sad episode, it's a nifty little laugh. Suzanne was a very reliable foil and comic relief. Of course, the remark that inspires the episode title sets off a rant of the first order.

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That was lovely. I loved this show and I loved his character, and I think that article partly articulated why.

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Mary Jo: Oh, c'mon big boobs/tiny brains, it's a story as old as the hills. I didn't write it.

Charlene: Mary Jo! I cannot believe you would even repeat that!

Mary Jo: Oh, I'm just kidding. It's just the Littlest Angel's way of kind of evening the score.

Suzanne: What's this Littlest Angel stuff anyway?

Mary Jo: It's the name of a training bra, Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.

Suzanne: A training bra; you little people have to train yours, and you call us dumb.

 

This really resonated with me because I was a 36C in 5th grade. I was also completely clueless about the Littlest Angel thing.

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It's Suzanne's "You little people have to train yours, and you call us dumb" outrage that kills me.

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It's Suzanne's "You little people have to train yours, and you call us dumb" outrage that kills me.

 

For real!!  I mean, what are you training "them" for??  The Kentucky Derby??  The Bawston Marathon ???? What???

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Thanks dustylil!  It was killing me what episode it came from!

 

and as luck would have it, it's being aired this Saturday morning on Logo!  I'm DVR'ing.

Edited by sugarbaker design

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I loved that Suzanne and Charlene got the best of the so called smart ones at Trivial Pursuit,

I love that part!

Mary Jo (smirking): What's the chemical term for plaster of Paris?

Suzanne: Oh, that's easy! Calcium sulfate hemi-hydrate!

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Bonnie Jean Poteet (she deserves a little representation in here!) had a few rare bon mots, perhaps the best one being about Anthony's freakout WRT Etienne Toussaint:

 

Oh yeah, that's horrible. A beautiful, voluptuous showgirl comes into your hotel room, takes her clothes off, sleeps with you... I imagine you'll block it out, just like Vietnam.
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When Julia and Suzanne discuss pornography with the female head of a men's magazine, the editor claims to be a feminist because she donates to feminist organizations.  Suzanne's response?  

 

Yeah, well I donate to the ASPCA, but that doesn't make me a cat.

 

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All I remember of the Trivial Pursuit episode is Mary Jo crowing "Valentina Tereshkova! Valentina Tereshkova!" (in response to a question about the first woman in space).

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When that guy walks in yelling and Anthony starts in on introducing his "family", I about died.  Especially when he mentioned his "brothers" and they all crowded around him, flexing their muscles, and topping it off with "If that's ok, with you?" to Charlene's parents and her father responds without blinking an eye "Well, that's up to you, son".

 

 

YES!!!!!!

 

Oh man, I was waiting to see if anyone mentioned that..."And these...are my brothers" as they all menacingly surround him has me just dying laughing every single time. And the last younger boy who's introduced that jumps into Charlene's dad's arms right as Anthony's finishing. And the "That's up to you, son"? Perfection.

 

I'm laughing just thinking about the scene now. I shouldn't be reading the DW board when I'm at work!

Edited by mattie0808

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I have been rolling with laughter at all the quotes and scene descriptions. "Some white girl." is just so crazy funny. I have to remember that.

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I love when Charlene meets Bill...she thinks the other ladies "got" him for her birthday and she claps her hands and says "Happy birthday to me." Again, it's all in the delivery.  Charlene was always my favorite.

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Just remembered this gem:

 

Julia is hosting her son's insufferable much older lover:

 

PRIMMIE: ... I was wondering if you might have some lavender for my bath.
JULIA: No, but I have some Twenty-Mule Team Borax.

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How could I have possibly waiting this long to put in this gem from Julia:

 

"I love men, I love this one, but I cannot ignore history. History has shown that in general that it has been the men who have done the raping and the robbing and the killing and the war mongering.  And for the last 2000 years, it has been the men who have done the pillaging and the beheading the subjecting of whole races into slavery. It has been the men who have done the law making and the money making and most of the mischief making. So if the world isn’t quite what you had in mind, you have only yourselves to thank!!"

Edited by Princess Sparkle
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And that was punctuated by Reese's brilliantly askew response: "Well, let me tell you something about women! ('What?') They're always late!"

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I love this exchange between Reece and Suzanne in that episode:

 

(Reece picks up a large suitcase)

Suzanne: That's my makeup.

Reece: Good Lord, no one's that ugly.

Edited by WhitneyWhit
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Just remembered this gem:

 

Julia is hosting her son's insufferable much older lover:

 

PRIMMIE: ... I was wondering if you might have some lavender for my bath.

JULIA: No, but I have some Twenty-Mule Team Borax.

 

That ep had the wonderful rant by Suzanne about Miss Valdosta Feed & Grain. 

 

eta: wrong ep It was the ep with Ted's new fiance. 

Edited by Kev
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I have to say, Julia's rant above about "the raping and robbing and the killing and the war-mongering" is not my favourite. What Julia says is demonstrably true, I guess, but I found the tone of the whole episode so relentlessly negative. Julia's anger struck me as misdirected -- or maybe the whole thing just depressed me.

 

The actress who played the insufferable Primmie was Natalija Nogulich -- later featured as Admiral Nechayev in Star Trek: The Next Generation. When I rewatched the episode "Julia's Son" it took me a long time to remember where I knew her from.

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I have to say, Julia's rant above about "the raping and robbing and the killing and the war-mongering" is not my favourite. What Julia says is demonstrably true, I guess, but I found the tone of the whole episode so relentlessly negative. Julia's anger struck me as misdirected -- or maybe the whole thing just depressed me.

 

I thought it was on point, and it has thus lived in my quotes file for decades -- that compilation mostly consists of observations from real people, but there are a few fictional characters scattered throughout the categories and Julia makes more than one appearance.  It came across to me as simply a reminder to the guys of male privilege, whatever their personal actions in any given situation.

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Googling Valdosta Feed and Grain, I found the exchange:

 

SUZANNE: I sized [Tammy] up the minute she walked in. Ya wanna know who she is? I'll tell you who she is. She's Miss Valdosta Feed and Grain, and if there's one thing that I've learned it's that you just can't be nice to the Miss Valdosta Feed and Grains of the world.
JULIA: Suzanne, I know you pride yourself on having a pageant story for every occasion, but why not give Mary Jo a break on this one.
SUZANNE: I'm just trying to be helpful, Julia. And y'know, there's a reason women like that want to be close to you. You have to be close to someone to knife them. It happened to me at the local pageant level.
JULIA: Well now you've raised the hair on the back of our necks. I mean --- a local pageant level story -- these are the ones I love to hear again and again.
SUZANNE: Ok. You can go ahead and make fun. But, when I and Miss Valdosta Feed and Grain, and a bunch of other girls were up for Miss Atlanta, it was Miss Valdosta Feed and Grain who pretended to be my best friend. And it was Miss Valdosta Feed and Grain who insisted on being my roommate.
JULIA: If you have to say it, abbreviate it! Just call her Miss Feed or Miss Grain....you're giving me a headache.
SUZANNE: Well now you've ruined the story.
MARY JO: It doesn't matter. I get the point. This woman pretended to be your friend and wasn't. I just don't know what motive Tammy would have for that, or why she would be interested in getting my kids.
SUZANNE: Because.........she's interested in anything that will make her the queen bee. That's the way those Miss Valdosta Feed and Grains are. They constantly compete with other women.
JULIA: Suzanne, I hate to say it, but this is beginning to sound a lot like you.
SUZANNE: Just what are you saying, Julia? Are you calling me a Miss Valdosta Feed and Grainand Grain?
JULIA: I had always hoped it wouldn't come to this........but..... (she sighs, shrugs, and walks away)

 

Another exchange from this episode:

SUZANNE: Charlene, is there anything exciting for me in the mail?
JULIA: No, just Julia's American Heritage, and I'm sure you're not interested in that.
SUZANNE: I might be. Does it have pictures?
CHARLENE: Yes it does, but most of the men are dead.
(suddenly losing interest, Suzanne drops the magazine and picks up an envelope)
SUZANNE: Well........what's this?
CHARLENE: Those are Julia's tickets to the art exhibit. She's taking your mama.
SUZANNE: (to Julia) Why didn't you ask me?
JULIA: Because you don't like art.
SUZANNE: I don't like art. I don't like history. I don't know where y'all get this stuff.
JULIA: Perhaps you have forgotten that time we were at the Louve and you said, and I quote "I have no intention of being dragged to one more museum just to look at a bunch of pictures of small-busted, naked women with large butts lying around outdoors eating fruit."

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Because, after all, what else is the entire canon of Western art? Hee.

Edited by Sandman

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Googling Valdosta Feed and Grain, I found the exchange:

 

 

Thanks for that!  I typically skip over the Mary Jo-centric episodes, she's my least favorite of the cast.  I keep on forgetting that just because an episode is focused on one character it doesn't mean the other characters don't get a chance to shine.  I'll look for "Tammy" on Logo.

After all if I skipped Mary Jo's temporary job at a fast food place I would've missed Julia yelling "Pie, pie..." or Bernice saying "It's square fish."

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I thought the square fish comment was from Bernice's sanity hearing?

 

Suzanne: "I'm sorry this is a place a business, not some pit stop on the over-the-hill underground railroad"

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I thought the square fish comment was from Bernice's sanity hearing?

 

 

You're right, it was!

 

I was confusing it with Julia's description of compressed fish at the fast foodery.

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After all if I skipped Mary Jo's temporary job at a fast food place I would've missed Julia yelling "Pie, pie..." "

 

I love this exchange from that episode:

 

Customer:  Is the fish fresh?

Julia:  It's compressed fish that's been breaded, frozen, then deep fried.  What do you think?

Customer:  I don't know.

Julia:  Yes, it's fresh.

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After not being able to find the show to watch lately, I finally found it this morning.  The episode that is on is The Junies.  This one cracks me up every time.

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That's one of my favorites! I love the scene of them all going to rescue Charlene from the Lady June conference.

 

Charlene: "Julia, you can't be in here! This room is for belles only; y'all aren't belles."

Julia: "Oh yes we are. We're Hell's Belles and we're getting you out of here."

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A place to discuss particular episodes, arcs and moments from the show's run. Please remember this isn't a complete catch-all topic -- check out the forum for character topics and other places for show-related talk.

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After seeing some of the replays on LOGO, I've got a whole new appreciation of Mary Jo and Annie Potts.  Sometimes it was hard for me to like Mary Jo, I've always considered her the sad one:  single mom, can't find a date, carries the weight of the world on her shoulder etc.  Ironically, I think AP shines on episodes that don't focus on Mary Jo, AP practically steals the whole show from everyone in The Big Circle.  I realize some of the main characters were grieving so AP had to fill in as the quipster, but what a job she did, AP played it with some relish.  "Julia, the governess is here" in that posh English accent always cracks me up!

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