ABay

That was beautiful, @Bastet.

Thank you all so much. You've all been wonderful. Really much more supportive than my family and RL friends. And I apologize for TLDRing all over you below. It feels like the hurt will never stop and just when I think I can't possibly cry anymore, guess what, I can. So many feelings. I'm grateful she stayed with me as long as she did, that she was a perfect companion for me and the cat I got her for, and that we had months of togetherness 24/7 the year and a half I worked from home. I miss her jumping in the chair with me or laying on the back of it just over my head, sleeping in the sun on the window seats (am and pm seats 8-), kneading me in the morning to get up and feed her. The little flecks of white on her shoulder like she'd just brushed by a paint brush. So many other things. Flopping on her side on the floor and meeping so I'd play with or pet her. So different from the flopping when her leg gave out these past weeks. Since December 2021, it's been a roller coaster. There were months when she couldn't knead me, when she had to haul herself into the chair, when I had to make sure there were cloths under her. But also months when everything was good. Although I don't actually remember the last time I saw her raise her tail. This is the first time in 20+ years I've been alone. Just before I moved here, the fluffy puss I'd had for 10 years died of kidney failure and I still feel guilty about how she died. It was 2 years before I was ready for another cat and then I got 2 brothers, semi-feral Castor & Pollux. About a year and a half after that, Bear showed up crying at the door and he was a cuddle cat unlike the others. He and Pollux hated each other and again I feel great guilt over not giving him a better life before he died of cancer in 2010. Bear got a tumor on his liver and died within a year. Castor was not a people cat, he only liked other cats--he and Bear got no well--and I got Sasha for both of us. Within a few minutes, she and Castor were best buds. She would groom him, they'd play together all around me while I had morning coffee, they would sleep together. He died in November 2017 and it was just the two of us after that. She was a friendly and affectionate cat and I miss her and want to hold her again. We had a long cuddle Sunday night, almost like it used to be. When I start feeling guilty, because that is my default mode, I try to remember that she gave me clear signs on Sunday that it was time. Sometimes it helps. The vet said he thought she was 19-20--according to what the rescue group told me she would've been 15-16--and it also helps a little that she made it that long. I hope the last 12 years were a good life. It hurts so much to see her things and not see her. I spent Monday evening and most of yesterday clearing out as much as I could. Put aside the unused meds, unopened cans of food, heating pads, unused beds, etc. for donation. Filled the garbage bin with the towels, cloths, and floor mats I'd put down over the last month, all of the window seat cushions, an open bag of dry food, 3 trash bags of litter. And when after garbage truck went by Tuesday morning...oh my god that was just yesterday...I filled it again with food bowls and the remaining carpet runners that kept her from slipping on the kitchen tiles. It was like hopscotch some mornings trying to avoid the wet spots. Then I vacuumed the litter room and added several vacuum bags full of litter to the garbage. Then hauled all of the cat trees and steps into that room. The furniture and double carpeting in there will have to wait until Oct 1 when I can drag them to the curb for bulk trash month. This morning I hosed down the rubber mats and all of the litter trays. The biggest of those will also have to wait for October 1. I'm worried what will happen when I run out of things to clean. Amid the at times overwhelming sadness and loneliness, I sometimes think about what I won't miss, like cleaning the litter boxes (and everything else over the last month+); shoving pills down her throat twice a day; paying an average of $550 a month between food, litter, meds, and the vet; not going anywhere because it was difficult and expensive finding a cat sitter who could deal with the pills; what a relief it is not having to worry about that when I take a trip this coming December; and not having to worry now about how we would live when I finally retire and move elsewhere. And then I feel like a fucking traitor. I would happily have all that back if it meant having her back and healthy. Her ashes should be ready to pick up later this week or early next. Another area of guilt--I left the first cat's ashes in one of her favorite outdoor spots when I moved here and now I feel bad about not saving them. And it's going to be miserable when I move--do I take the ashes of the other 4 cats with me or leave them in the yard since this is the only home they knew? Later today I'll start trying to remove as many of the remaining spots as I can from the wall-to-wall carpets and maybe clean out my car so there's room for the things to be donated.

She's gone now. I got back from the vet about an hour ago. There's so much I wanted to tell her and say about her but all I can do is cry and stare at a wall. I know we've all been through this and it never gets less devastating. This is it for me, I think. Maybe some day I'll forget how horrible this part is and find another fur ball.

My phone says Suspected Spam with the number underneath.

Those who, like me, were bullied in school, I offer this clip from Sarah Millikan.

You're all very kind and I appreciate so much your sharing your stories. I wobbled on Friday and couldn't do it. I boosted the steroid dosage earlier in the week because there's nothing else to be done and I'm waiting to see if there's any change. @Bastet, my fingers are crossed for you and Riley.

This doesn't really require a response, I just don't have anywhere else to spew. Not being able to talk without crying really cramps one's communication skills. For a year and a half now, it's been one health crisis after another with Sasha, aka Girl Cat, on top of chronic problems. Since Dec 21/Jan 22, it's been a series of UTIs, reactions to antibiotics for the UTIs, various other things, and an arthritis flare up. Solensia was a miracle. But in June she injured her lower back somehow and was dragging herself around. She also stopped using the litter boxes. This happened before about 7 years ago and she recovered with rest and drugs. Not this time. Drugs seem to work, hope rises, and then the next day or the day after she's back to flopping over every few steps. She's not going to get better. I watch her struggling to walk and think "it's time" but then she'll manage more than 4 steps in a row without falling or she'll look at me and I think "maybe a little longer." Even knowing it will only get worse, that I've seen her toes and lower back spasm a few times last night and today, that her purring is weaker, that she has at least twice slipped when trying to climb somewhere and not moved, that she hasn't responded to her favorite blanket by trying to get into the chair with me (unprecedented), and a few things that might be unrelated, I can't stop feeling guilty, that I'm betraying her by taking her to the vet tomorrow for the last time. Or conversely that if I wait until she can't move at all, I'm making her suffer because of my own selfishness. And I also hate myself for recognizing the benefit of not having to pay for a multitude of drugs, food, litter, enzyme spray, etc. Other cats have given me a clear sign but so late that I should've done something sooner. She's still herself in so many ways. I wish I believed in an afterlife or that she would forgive me, or that this is what she would want.

Thank you... It's mostly significant to me because it means I've reached half of the criteria to retire with a full pension, and I'll reach the other in December. Also, I'm stunned I'm still here. It's a bit different in academia. At my university, there's a campus-wide celebration in the fall for everyone who was tenured or promoted the previous spring semester, and the union holds a lunch for new and newly retired faculty in the fall. Departments also usually hold a party for departing faculty, generally in April/May as most people leave after the spring semester. Between tenure and retirement, eh. But I bought some wine and a cake to go with dinner tonight.

Not venting a spleen, just a work-related thing: Today is my 25th anniversary at my current job. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Have you tried Soap? There are a lot of characters but the story revolves around Jessica and Mary.

My vet sent out a letter last year about the way demand for vet services had gone up and urging people to make appointments further in advance, etc. They've also sent messages about issues with human pharmacies and suggested using Chewy or another source.

One of my favorite movie moments:

Slash is my kink; I'm not looking to fan fic for a documentary on how gay men have sex. To the extent I know the gender of the writer, I find that female writers are more likely to deliver the emotional punch I'm looking for. As long as the seduction bit is there and the anatomical aspects aren't completely outlandish, I can overlook improbabilities.

Right there with you. I loathe summer. Heat, humidity, bugs, firecrackers, loud neighbors. If you find a place where it never goes over 75, please share. (I can't erase the emoji.)

That's right where the Mass Turnpike turns into the NYS Thruway, right? I've driven by the sign many times on my way to WNY. Austerlitz was one of Napoleon's greatest victories, so the town probably was named for it.

@Bastet I'm so sorry. You've given so much good advice and so many words of comfort to the rest of us when we've been in the awful position of making this decision. Please know you're not alone and FWIW I know you'll make the best decision for Riley and whatever happens you've given her the life of Riley you intended to when you named her.

Or possibly he didn't react to every story the same way.

You're Wrong About did a nice episode on her earlier this year.

That's it! Thank you.

Does anyone remember a question from a few weeks ago that involved a Canadian author? I thought the book title was Ghost Stories but I can't find anything in WorldCat or Amazon that sounds likely. And of course I don't remember the author's name.

Trebek had a strong tendency to make the stories about himself.

I don't remember not being able to swim. We used to camp in The 1,000 Islands (origin of my username) when I was an infant and apparently I liked to roll my carrier/stroller/thing into the St. Lawrence. We also went to a lot of beaches on Lake Erie in the 60s and 70s, before the Clean Water Act. It's a miracle we don't all have 3 eyes and a tail.

My issue with the algorithms on streaming services, in addition to the way off-base suggested shows, is that for some reason they aren't programmed to realize that if I watched 10 minutes of something a year ago and never went back, there's no point in keeping it in the continue watching queue or suggesting it to me again.

Thank you, everyone, for the rat feedback. If I see it again, I'll call animal control. There are too many other creatures who could be accidentally caught and killed in snap traps and I frankly would never be able to confront the corpse of any of them including a rat. I can't see catching and releasing them either. Fingers crossed it stays away.

Delivery people who don't bother to read the directions. My house sits back further from the street than my neighbors and there's a hedge at the sidewalk, which makes the house hard to find. So I always include very clear directions when I order take out. Like, the house sits back from the street and is easy to miss. If you turn onto my street from X St, the house is 5 houses up and on your right. If you come from Y St., the house is 3 houses in on your left. I had to text the driver because she drove past the house 3 times, and I ended up going into the street to signal her. I pointed out--twice--that I included directions with the order. "I never saw this house!" Yeah. That's why I include directions. Idiot. I've seen a couple drive by and back up but never someone who completely ignored everything I said when I was texting her because she kept driving past and kept driving past.