Jodio

My election night dinner party in 2004 definitely went sideways when W. started collecting the electoral votes. I basically abandoned ship, told my guests they were on their own, and was ranting and raving while refreshing web pages looking for hope. My then-fiancee put me on news blackout for 3 days after that heartbreaking disappointment. This year, with the horrifying possibility of Trump winning, I'm taking a different approach. As a Canadian, I'm feeling extremely powerless and terrified about the possibility of him winning, so I booked a trip to Bali and am leaving late on Tuesday night. If the election isn't decided by the time I leave Canada at midnight PST, I'm taking a Xanax and bunkering down on a plane for a 13 hour flight to Taipei. I'm way beyond alcohol so I'm going pharmaceutical for this one. If the worst case scenario happens and Trump wins, I'll get in one last trip before he's inaugurated. Then I'll just get my affairs in order and wait for the mushroom clouds.

So, Brian Williams just reminded viewers that all of these allegations of sexual harassment/assault against Trump are of a "he said/she said" nature. Fuck you, Brian Williams! Fuck you!

Well, I think it's pretty obvious that Josh's entire run in Paradise was a big "fuck you" to Andi. Nothing more, nothing less. There's no way a controlling asshole like Josh was not going to respond to her book. And I'd bet my life that he read that book, cover to cover, more than once. Unfortunately for him, he didn't do damage control and only confirmed the worst of what she wrote about him. And took it to the next level with all the sweating and moaning, which weren't even in the book. However, Josh and the baby dragon are perfectly matched: two self-centered dullards, twu wuv forevah. I hope Andi was laughing her ass off while cruising the Greek Islands this summer and randomly yelling "bullet--dodged!" And I don't even like Andi. I'm super pumped for a season of Nick as the Bach and I want to put in my vote right now for Daniel in another season of Bachelor in Paradise. Because I'm Canadian.

Lavenderpenguin, where in the hell were you for the first 20 years of my dating life? This should be embroidered on throw pillows and given to every girl on her 13th birthday.

Well. This just happened.

Tonight's show was soooooo depressing. I was hoping the catfishing humiliation humbled Meri a little, but nope, she's still the same miserable, manipulative bitch. Janelle should run away from this reconciliation. Bad idea all around. There's nothing in it for Janelle and I think Meri just wants an ally. Very sad to see Mykelti dropping out of school to work in a pawn shop. No way she needs to take that route to growing up. She might have well have stayed in Vegas and found a job as a receptionist in a brothel. No good will come out of her new career direction. She will not be meeting people there who will influence her into going back to college. Every time I see the Browns blowing money on party/holiday decorations, my blood boils. I wonder how much money they've wasted over the years on crap. If these morons had stayed in Utah, kept their expenses as low as possible, got/kept actual jobs, and invested the TLC cash, they'd be way better off in the long run. When the TLC gravy train pulls out of the station, they're going to have nothing.

Nice catch. Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately), I couldn't understand a single word that Corey (or is it Korey now?) said the entire episode, so it's nice to read the translation here on the boards. Totally forgot about Kourtney banging the Biebs. I kept waiting for the Botched docs to show up during tonight's episode. First, wtf was up with Khloe's ass during that scene on Kris's patio? It looked like she was wearing a loaded diaper. And Faye Resnick's face looked like it was melting. Literally. I wish Kourtney would have turned her keepin' it real rudeness away from Faye's decorating and toward the whole face situation. Rita Wilson is dead to me. That is all.

This episode really gave me the sads. I really hoped for so much more for Maddie. Whatever happened to her dream of becoming a lawyer? Instead she's moving to some shithole little house so she can maintain the illusion that she's preserving her hymen until marriage. When it was pretty obvious she busted it out on a quadding trail somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Maddie should be going to school, getting some therapy for her Daddy issues, traveling, and figuring out who she is. This marriage is a very bad idea. Loved Kody's hug, too. His head was turned away and he was essentially hugging his own arms, other than two head pets of Meri. He can barely tolerate being in the same room with her, yet they're still trying to convince us that polygamy works?

I'm no biblical scholar, but I'm pretty sure that if you die by overdose in a whorehouse, Jesus is not greeting you at the pearly gates. When Lamar was talking about dreaming about people who had passed while in his coma, but no Jesus, my guess was he saw his sleazy friend Jamie and Hitler. And what was all the crazy talk about God answering everyone's prayers and saving Lamar? I guess God let a few innocent kids with leukemia die so that he could focus his energies on Lamar. And Lamar does not have one fuck to give about any of it. He's just biding his time in house arrest before he goes out drugging and whoring again. He obviously did not learn one thing from his whole near-death experience. Which was apparently bad because we got to see the hospital photos. What a shitshow. There aren't even words to describe the hot mess that was Kanye's fashion show. I'm sure I put together similar "designs" as a kid by combining my mom's old pantyhose, costume jewelry, and pink fluffy bathmat. Sadly, nobody recognized my "talent."

I'm with you here; the whole cameras at breakfast makes things really sleazy. I liked things better in the old days, where the camera faded out at night and we were left to imagine what happened. In my mind, the night was followed with a Silkwood shower and perhaps some cleansing prayer before going to the next Fantasy Suite. Now, the only thing I imagined was Ben stopping and washing his manwich in the lobby restroom sink before taking his sloppy seconds and thirds on to the next lady. Gross.

Caila may not have Ben, or any discernible personality, but she has my undying worship of her hair. How she maintains smooth, bouncy, shiny hair in that climate is truly a wonder. Obviously Little Ben started making the decisions once Jojo's breast implants came out to play. I also noticed the boner in the waterfalls. I'm trying to decide whether Ben's a complete idiot, a cad, or a masterful sociopath. Whoever "wins" should run for the hills after seeing tonight's episode. Any grown man who voices every emotion he gets without considering the ramifications should not be dating, or even out in society, for that matter.

For all the talk about how the Kardashian-West kids only dress in high fashion, I have the exact same shirt that Saint is wearing. Bought it at Old Navy. That is all. Edited to add that, like North, I also have several pairs of Doc Martens. Either I should be concerned that I'm dressing like Kim's kids or they should be concerned that they're dressing their kids in the same style as a middle-aged Canadian lady.

Whoa, I can't believe Ben wasn't more shell-shocked after the visit to Jojo's house. First of all, the McMansion with the hotel furnishings. Wtf was that? And her mother's face was giving me nightmares. It was the worst combination of botox, fillers, and implants I've ever seen. She couldn't even close her joker mouth. Other than that, these hometown dates were pretty typical. Standard questions, then acceptance of the random Bachelor dating their daughters. Zzzzzzz......

Blah, this episode was super boring. The McDonald's carnival date was basically my worst nightmare. After eating that garbage, I would have spent the rest of the night in a Port-O-Potty with raging diarrhea and a pounding headache. I did, however, discover a new red flag to watch for while dating: it is a very bad sign if a guy says he's always wanted to go behind the counter at McDonald's. Just no. Can't wait for next week. Looks like Amanda's brats effectively cock-block her attempts at getting further with Ben. And not a moment too soon. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard and at times she sounds exactly like Bachelorette Emily. That is not a good thing.

Ben H. is somehow morphing into a great Bachelor. I didn't see this coming. Of course I'm still distracted by his moley face, but that's nothing that some apple cider vinegar can't fix. Lauren B. totally sold me on her father. They should line him up to be the next Bachelor. No wonder she seems so mentally balanced, especially compared to the crew of nutbars in that house. I realize that the burden of cankles and ugly toes can cause a great deal of distress, but Olivia was treading into tin hat territory with all the "signs" she was picking up on from Ben. For the first time in franchise history, a Bachelorette actually showed some self-awareness and wisdom. And it was Lace! They should play her closing remarks on a loop for the rest of the women so that they get a little perspective and realize that the only path to love with another person is through loving yourself. And yes Amber, you can even adopt a bunch of cats for that process. In fact, spending time with some cats would probably do her a lot of good.

These people are horrible human beings. Kylie was actually on her phone while the rest of the family was trying to manage the Scott-in-duress situation. And then Kim criticizing Reign's shirt? Wtf? Who cares what a baby is wearing around the house. Nothing was more apt than a plastic surgeon giving them their genetic testing results. I bet plastic surgeons handle all their medical needs. Dr. Nassif should have taken a look at whatever is happening under Kris's eyes. Corey, Kylie, and Kim are all really slow. But Khloe's in good company, considering she didn't know that your genetics don't change. Idiot.

I immediately thought this: handsome, educated, sporty, tall man who grew up in an intact family with loving parents. Why would he feel unlovable? He can't have herpes, since the show screens for that. The only other possibility is that he has a micropenis. Not that I've ever had any experience with this EXACT scenario. ;-)

Okay, the twins look like aliens to me. The dentist looks like Caitlyn Jenner and Olivia looks like a busted Cameron Diaz. Something looks wonky with Jubilee's boobs (not the tattoo), but I'm too lazy to look for a pic. I'm glad that the Ginger Red Velvet is gone. She was trash-talking the flight attendant with Lace. When Lace said that her boobs were bigger so her twinsy dress looked better, Ginger was all smiles. Bitches. I really hate small town values. Boring. I'm all about big city values: having progressive beliefs, going out to restaurants and art galleries, taking public transportation, having a fast-paced career, and carrying pepper spray in case shit goes down. That's my kind of living. Is it just me or are the dresses getting tackier? Whatever happened to sophisticated cocktail dresses? Half of these women were bedazzled within an inch of their lives and the rest of them were in old prom and bridesmaid gowns. And every grown woman should be on a first name basis with a tailor and someone who will alert you to serious panty line issues (I'm looking at you, Jubilee).

Well, I watched the entire season, and the whole spectacle has really confirmed what I hated about Caitlyn on KUWTK. I think she uses people and takes no initiative or responsibility for the relationships in her life. Transitioning has changed nothing. She totally used her first wife to support her while training for the Olympics, then unceremoniously dumped her and their two small children when she achieved fame and fortune. She then moved on to Linda Thompson, who she walked out on, leaving two small children behind once again. When she met Kris, her finances were a shambles and Kris basically resurrected her career and finances. Kris really did take care of everything in the family, while Caitlyn followed her instructions. Beyond that, she played with her toys, watched golf, and wasn't interested in doing anything beyond her own interests. She took no initiative in managing her own business affairs or career, nor did she take any initiative in maintaining relationships with her first four children, mother, or sisters. Now, she's constantly complaining that nobody is calling her. Apparently her phone does not dial out. She has absolutely no compassion for her former family, who is obviously mourning *Bruce* and having trouble adjusting to this major change. And I think the reason Kris became so aggravated with Caitlyn at the end of their marriage was because she was totally disconnected from the family, even while still living in the house. And harboring a secret as big as her gender identity issues played a huge part in that, I'm sure. So now Caitlin's making no effort with her FIRST, SECOND, and THIRD families because she's moved onto a new community. Where she can flash her wealth and fame to win new friends, as well as lure people into her television show because nobody from her actual life is interested in appearing. Sadly, every single one of her new friends seems down to earth and sincere, and they're going to be shocked when the cameras stop rolling and Caitlin drops them without a second thought because they are no longer useful to her. And I bet mom and sisters face the same fate, when she no longer needs them to appear at the ESPYs or on her show. On a bitchy note, if someone ever told me I had to wear a certain color to attend their party, I'd get out the old color wheel and pick the exact opposite color and wear that. And thanks a lot for appropriating my middle name, and my cat's middle name, and the middle name of every living cousin I have. How did we all get dragged into this mess? Edited to add more ranting, because I'm still raging after posting. Caitlin is a total narcissist, and there's a good reason she never had any friends. She's also had an entire lifetime to do charity work and be an advocate for many causes, and didn't do anything beyond showing up for events, where she could be lauded and adored. When the cameras go away, I'm sure she'll be alone in her big house, where all her efforts can be focused on her only real interest in life: herself.

This. I was never a fan of Tenley because I honestly didn't believe a human being could be that sweet. But she really is. And she's also wise, what with her decision to dump Josh, but in the kindest way possible, and her good advice to Ashley I. The little bitch inside of me is hoping that Kipton was watching all this with a screaming baby and the bloom off the rose of his new relationship and regretting the way he hurt Tenley. I really wish her the best, and I never, ever feel that way about the famehos on this show.

Okay, I just figured out that Jade is no wild stallion. A wild stallion doesn't have a Pinterest wedding page. Obviously, her father and brother think "wild stallion" means "showing yer titties and cooter on the interwebs." As opposed to things like traveling the world alone, going into a non-traditional career, renouncing marriage and kids, etc. Was surprised to hear that Nick and Samantha are still together. A relationship based on a man thinking a woman is hot will never last. I wonder if Samantha has ever realized that the only compliments she ever gets are about her appearance, and never related to her personality, intelligence, etc. Aging is going to be hard on this bitch. There's nothing left to say about Carly and Kirk. What a fucking nightmare. And aren't they a little old for this kind of bullshit? Both sides of it made me cringe.

If next week's episode starts with Jared hanging a bloody sheet out the window, I'm done with this show. Of course if the rest of the episode consists of Nick and Jacklyn in an all-out war over how he "stole" the $250K from her mean girl bestie, I'm totally back in. Because my love of drama always wins out over retaining the last shred of my self-respect.

If Samantha's antics on the show tonight didn't expose her as the ultimate drama queen and liar, I don't know what will. They should have told her that if she didn't want to be on the same stage as the idiot co-host, then she could go home. Bitch would have changed her tune really quickly to get on tv. Also, I'm pretty sure that all her magical powers came from her alien blue contact lenses because she wasn't wearing them tonight and she wasn't bewitching anyone. I wish they would have called her out on her lie about being friends with Jueblia by showing "proof of vacation" and then played the prolonged footage of the hot tub hand job. With the volume turned way up and big ole closed captioning, to make sure that nothing was missed by the audience. And then spent the rest of the episode asking her things like "what exactly were you doing to Joe when he said 'yeah, right there?'" How do you feel now about giving that redneck asshole a handy on national tv? When Kris Kartrashian was talking about her allergic reaction, I really wish they would have shown a pic of when her lip was freakishly swollen in the Dominican Republic episode. Just because that was awesome. Kardashley's outfit was horrific and Jerod is so boring that zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........

This show read like a PSA to me: If a man only compliments your appearance, calls you trophy wife material, equates you with a carcass hanging on his wall, and says he's in love with you after some text messages and one date, major red flags. When you try to cool things off and his immediate response is veiled threats interspersed with bouts of begging to give him another chance, red flag. If he assumes that any interest you showed via text messages translates into being owned by him forever and not having the prerogative to change your mind at any time, for any reason, red flag. If a man takes a break-up worse than Ashley I, MAJOR RED FLAG. My only hope is that any women Joe meets watch this show and run for their lives. He has sociopath written all over him. Not that Samantha is all that. Way to pussy out of actually breaking up with Joe. At this point the only way she can redeem herself is if she walks down the beach in full Wonder Woman costume, thus proving to me that she really is the secret love child of Linda Carter. Justin aka Busted Michael Anthony Hall really needs some breathable beach clothes, shampoo, and a clay masque to bring the grease level down. When a bed and two nightstands with lamps looks like heaven (I'm looking at you, Guadalajara Fantasy Suite), the digs on the beach must be absolutely atrocious. At this point, my only hope is that Nick sticks around long enough to gather sufficient material for another epic takedown of his fellow contestants on the way out.

Giant self-proclaimed feminist lady: you are not a feminist. A feminist doesn't think that an empowered woman is a woman who manipulates a man because she's too pathetic to straight-out dump him. Samantha is an idiot and definitely not a feminist. A real feminist doesn't willingly enter into this Fleiss cesspool of misogyny, especially after seeing a real empowered, educated, career women (ahem, Bachelorette Ashley) humiliated via editing. As for Joe and Joooleia, I can't even.