Tyrone Biggums

Please God, DirecTV, sign a new deal with A&E so we don't have to hear Sticks and Tom stumble through that read every 10 seconds in between begging people to watch that horrible Live Rescue crap nobody wants to see. (Oh, and why don't Ashleigh and Sticks just bang and get it over with? It's pretty clear that's what at least she wants to happen.)

At the risk of sounding excessively like a hater, I look forward to Bobby joining Hanson's reunion tour as the fourth, unknown Hanson brother once this show is over with.

These two are a microcosm of everything the Food Network has become. Take two people with zero food authority (ha), let them host a show, and CAMP IT THE HELL UP TO EIGHTY. The show itself is forgettable, but these two make it intolerable.

She writes romance novels where the main characters are actually foods, instead of people. Sure makes "layers of flavor" a lot more interesting.

I'm gonna be the turd in the punch bowl here, apparently, but God, what a chore it was to watch that show. Between the high-priced ingredients and Martha's sneering, arrogant ass (worse than Conant, Zakarian or Alex have EVER been), it was like having to watch that stupid commercial of hers for 60 minutes. Credit to Chopped, though. It took them 35-ish "seasons" to fully jump the shark.

Alex AND Carl the Cuban in the final two. I didn't know which overexposed, rammed-down-my-throat jagoff I wanted to lose more.

I'm fired up for June 5, just so they'll STOP. AIRING. THE. GD. MARTHA. STEWART. AD. WITH. THAT. STUPID. RAP. SONG. EVERY. FIVE. SECONDS. "I'll be the judge of that." Yeah, you do that. Maybe they can put Alex, Martha and LBH all on the same show, just to get all the smug, condescending bitchiness on the same dais.

Hashtag quit worrying about being stupid, cute over-the-top stage kid and actually focus on baking, chick. It's good for her that she's up against somebody who can't do basic math, which is, you know, PRETTY EFFING IMPORTANT for baking. Also, they said the kid with the glasses was the best, after his twist is just a piece of sliced lemon to which he DID NOTHING? Screw you, show. This is awful.

The show's...fine, I suppose. I've seen worse. The rap at the end of each stop is wack, though. They need to reach out with the stick with the hook on it and pull him off stage.

The contender seemed to make food that they loved this week (one of the judges even called it "a journey"), and Alex made a bunch of boring, homey stuff that even seemed to have them nodding off from time to time. Alex wins by many points, and the contender is all like, "but at least I got to compete with an Iron Chef!". Screw you, show. I'm out. Too much Alton, the opening competition is moronic, two judges waters down the show, and it's like season 9 of Scrubs. It's skating by on having the "Iron Chef" name.

He's also judging someone he beat on HBC (Cheryl), and she's better than he is. By miles. That has to be a bit awkward.

No joke. The constant kissing of her ass and featuring her on EVERY show (Cooks vs. Cons, Beat Bobby Flay, whatever else) drives me nuts. She's worse than Hannah Hart. Barely. I knew as soon as it came down to Alex vs. Antonia last night, Alex was going forward. Alex could have pooped in the middle of her food and the judges would have raved about how they loved eating it. Enough already. We get it. I guess I better get ready for more of this stupid "I.C.A.G." bullshit, and for my blood pressure to shoot up another 100 points.

Elizabeth got all artsy-fartsy with her meal. You'll notice a lot of "I like" in the THs. Nobody GAF about what you like, Elizabeth. You were given a challenge, and (largely) ignored it. I still think Fleeky should have gone, but I agree.

I knew Fleeky was beating Elizabeth before they even cooked anything. They totally gave her the winner's edit with the "OMG there's no way she'll ever beat her" nonsense. Can I just watch one of these effing shows where they're not spending an hour kissing Alex Guarnaschelli's ass? I've come to hate her almost as badly as Hannah Hart. "ICAG"? FOH.

This is the one condition on which I would allow Pah Stahl back on FN/Star. If he came on the show and hit Matthew with one of his pies -- preferably with an anvil in the middle of it -- he would forever redeem himself, in my book.