Thanks for the good account of where you're coming from. I definitely get what you're saying.
This right here sums it up for me. You believe there's no difference between these two things and I think the difference between them is the only thing that matters. For me, it even affects how much my arm hurts, actually.
Had I been Amy and felt hurt at Jill's hamhanded comment, I would have tried to put it out of my mind while I coped with my initial grief. And after that was done, I'd have gone to her, and explained exactly why it upset me and why I thought similar things would upset others.
Then I'd respond to Jill further based on how Jill responded to me. If she tried to understand what I was saying, apologized and said she'd try to remember and think twice about things like this the next time, then we'd be cool (at least until she kept on doing it). If she blew me off and showed that she truly doesn't give a shit about others' feelings, then I'd walk away from her.
It's those responses that would matter to me. Not the original incident, which happened in the heat of a confusing and fraught time for everybody. The kind of time when a helluva lot of people make big errors in what they do and say.
I've seen plenty of cases in which people -- including me -- have responded in massively hamhanded ways to big events. People way older than Jill and presumably way more sophisticated about the ways of the world, too, in many cases. That's a kind of mistake that I truly think anyone at any age and level of sophistication can make. I don't know if there's anyone who doesn't just respond wrongly sometimes when it's important not to -- and for me the question is always, What does the person do after the event if somebody points the problem out to them?
Washing my hands of the person right then and there? Not an option, as far as I'm concerned. In my opinion, that makes me an equal contributor -- or even a bigger one -- to the problem.
Now I agree that it's quite possible that Amy did start out by telling Jill how bad that post made her feel and why, and asked for an apology. And it's perfectly possible that Jill couldn't comprehend what she was asking or laughed in her face or refused to renege. We don't know this whole story. And I don't know what these people are like in real life. Jill may be a really massive jerk. It's quite possible. And if that's went down, then I'm fully on board with Amy being pissed off. (Although I'm never on board with putting cryptic nasty messages on the internet that just may be about your friends and relations. Keep that shit private, is my feeling.)